Our Koloa Day's
Ice cream dripping down your chin, sweet little songs playing on the radio, pinapple juice rashes, bikes, and back roads. That’s what summer meant to me that year when we lived in Koloa. Summer had never meant as much to me as it did that year. Maybe it was because I only had half of a summer before I had to go to summer school. Maybe it was because it was our last summer in Koloa Town. Mostly it was because at fourteen years old I felt like my childhood was running away from me faster than a wild banshee on the war path. That summer in Koloa was my real life Neverland. Never before had I felt so free. I was a dancer, artist, extreme biker, movie historian, ice cream critic, soldier, and garden party host; all in one summer.
I know there are mistakes but do you think it could go anywhere?
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461 / 50,000
Apr 17, 2008 - 14 19
The first thing that jumps out at me is the number of words that are repeated many times:
summer: 7 times
Koloa: 3 times
Never: 2 times
Year: 3 times
Ice cream: 2 times
bike(r): 2 times
You probably want to 'tighten up' the writing a whole lot.
Secondly, I personally am not a huge fan of the 'looking back at innocence of childhood' nostalgic voice for a novel, but people have used it effectively.
My two bits. But the important thing is if this story draws YOU and is something YOU want to write about - if it sparks your passion, go for it and leave the editing and outside opinions for later.
----------"To practice any art, no matter how well or badly, is a way to make your soul grow. So do it." - Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. (1922-2007)
2006 - Famine: A Novel - failed
2007 - A Midsummer Night's Dream...IN SPACE! - on hold
51,243 / 50,000
Apr 17, 2008 - 21 30
At this point, I don't see anything that's a major writing "turn off." It's much too brief. :) I agree with lasalle, you could find some different words to say things so it doesn't get repetitive. Also, I wouldn't say "Neverland" and then immediately follow with "Never." I found that a bit distracting. (Remember to read it aloud. If you read that aloud it would sound strange.0.o) Other than that, let the idea progress a little more. I personally like your nostalgic feel. I'm curious to find out why all of those fun-sounding things happend in said summer. Good luck! :)
73,001 / 50,000
Apr 18, 2008 - 08 00
I actually really liked it. There is a little bit of repetition, but the question you'll have to ask yourself is are you using it as a device or are you using it as a crutch. I think it works well as a device to highlight the things or the events that will be most prominent in you story.
I think now, where I see this going is into some scene and character development where you draw up the strong attachments and the unique characteristics that could be lost in the transformation that this character MUST inevitably face and then wend you way through a really fantastic sort of real world story. It would be YA... You should write more...
----------Script Franzy Newbie!
2008 - ???
NaNo Winner
2007 - Zion Andrews
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Mini excerpt-
“The dead can’t die!” Maggie objected.
Dow sighed. “Oh now you’re just being didactic.”
3,802 / 50,000
Apr 21, 2008 - 20 42
Thank you very much for the helpful much needed critique and suggestions! I really appreciate it and try to use and apply all that you've said. If you would like to help me further let me know :)
51,243 / 50,000
Apr 21, 2008 - 21 14
Feel free to PM me whenever you post a new excerpt for critique! :) I'd be glad to help!
3,802 / 50,000
Apr 22, 2008 - 17 55
Thank you! I'll do that!