It's a couple of two-bit thugs attacking one man in a rather narrow space. The scene isn't actually that long, but I find even after making some changes, I'm still using the words fist/fists, swing/ swung, and back (as in backed away, jumped back, leapt back, moved backwards) a lot. I've already managed to change or remove a few, but would like to cut it down a bit more.
Any creative ways to describe a fist fight without over-using those words?
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enTWINed, working title, 07
Sins of the Fathers, 06, won
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461 / 50,000
Jul 19, 2008 - 18 44
Most fights are very short and so you may want to cut even more. The other alternative is rather than describing each swing, capture the 'essence' of the fight in a more abstract manner.
----------"To practice any art, no matter how well or badly, is a way to make your soul grow. So do it." - Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. (1922-2007)
2006 - Famine: A Novel - failed
2007 - A Midsummer Night's Dream...IN SPACE! - on hold
0 / 50,000
Jul 27, 2008 - 22 03
Instead of "swing", use "flew", "ran at" "rushed toward" (I.e. his knuckles flew toward my face) for back maybe you could use the word recoiled in one of the places. Instead of fist describe his hand as something else- a mallet, a club. Establish the metaphor in one spot and then you can use variations of that in subsequent sentences.
These suggestions might not work but maybe it will get your own ideas flowing again.
50,121 / 50,000
Jul 29, 2008 - 10 58
Try make use of the surroundings. Since it's a narrow space the pressure should be intense, with every hit potentially deadly and no room to maneouvre. It can be intended (force him into a corner) or accidental (smash up a window and have the shattered glass cut someones cheek).
IMPORTANT: NOT to be confused with a crappy Jackie Chan movie, where every single piece of scenery is destroyed just for the heck of it
55,943 / 50,000
Jul 30, 2008 - 15 58
It really bugs me when a fight scene drags on and on, because a) that's boring, and b) it implies that fighting is itself not all that dangerous, and therefore, robs the scene of its drama. I mean, if you can slug away at another guy and have him slug back at you for three pages, then clearly fighting is no big deal. In which case why is it dramatic? Why is it worth three pages?
No. Fights should be (and are, in the real world) fast, brutal, and deadly. I mean, if I were to find myself in fighting in a back alley, and I should happen to land the first blow (unlikely, if you know me) and stun the other guy, you know what I'd do? I'd finish the bastard off as quick as I could. I wouldn't do what they always do in the movies, where the hero backs off until the bad guy can regain his senses and continue the fight. No way. If I stunned the other guy, even a little bit, I'd take as much advantage of that as I could. Grab him by the shirt so I could hit him hard several more times, until he fell down, then I'd stomp on his throat as hard as I could. Fight over.
Keep your fights short, and they'll be more dramatic, more realistic, more exciting, and there won't be time for repetitive language.
----------Wiry Fellows
A lively tale of adventure on the Pony Express trail. Because the mail MUST go through, no matter what.
55,943 / 50,000
Jul 30, 2008 - 16 00
Oh, and BECAUSE they're fast, brutal, and deadly, fights should also be rare. Characters should know enough to avoid them at all costs, because anything that's as unpredictable and as dangerous as a fight should be a last resort for any sane character.
----------Wiry Fellows
A lively tale of adventure on the Pony Express trail. Because the mail MUST go through, no matter what.
461 / 50,000
Jul 30, 2008 - 17 56
fights are not necessarily deadly - there are hundreds and hundreds of bar brawls that end with at the most a bloody nose for every fight that ends in death. But otherwise I agree with you.
----------"To practice any art, no matter how well or badly, is a way to make your soul grow. So do it." - Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. (1922-2007)
2006 - Famine: A Novel - failed
2007 - A Midsummer Night's Dream...IN SPACE! - on hold
51,949 / 50,000
Jul 31, 2008 - 07 35
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NaNo 2006: Steel Bars - 59,233 words
Screnzy 2007: The Enchanted Forest - won
NaNo 2007: Turning Beetles into Buttons - 51,949 words
Screnzy 2008: Simple Gifts - 43 pages total & Butterfly - 9 episodes ----------
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NaNo 2006: Steel Bars - 59,233 words
Screnzy 2007: The Enchanted Forest - won
NaNo 2007: Turning Beetles into Buttons - 51,949 words
Screnzy 2008: Simple Gifts - 43 pages total & Butterfly - 9 episodes