[TOPIC] Child Abuse

Based on what I remember from working a daycamp where we had a yearly lesson on "warning signs"...
*Unexplained bruises/marks, or ones with stories that didn't match (You won't typically run into a doorknob hard enough to get a black eye, for example). Burn marks, especially if they're in places that don't make sense (arms, instead of fingers, etc).
*More scars than are normal (though this could just be klutziness... Goodness knows, my bicycle and I added a number of those to my elbows and knees over the years!)
*Clinginess, or a reluctance to go with whoever it is (parent, grandparent, etc)
*Being too willing to do whatever people ask. Doormat mentality.

Googling child abuse warning signs gets a fair chunk of good sites with a bit more details as well. I'd say also check the image search, if you can handle graphic images, and look up child abuse cases. Just have a box of tissues handy, they're horrible.
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~Jami~
InSANo ML- San Antonio, TX
As the lights go down, the hearts go up.
As the lights fade, the imagination grows.

The effects on the child will also depend a HUGE amount on the child's personality, etc. It's like with any wounded creature - you become very good at hiding and blending so as not to stand out, and when you do stand out, it's very difficult to feel safe because you feel you've attracted attention to yourself. How the child behaves in public and at home are two very different things in most cases. If you can give more hints on the child's personality, I might have more ideas for you.

First thank you both so much!!

The character in question is actually a young man (early 20's) who came out of an abusive home. So far, I've only figured out that only his mother was around and that she was the one who physically abused him, but I'm not sure how or why (maybe he reminds her of his father). He has a close friend (a girl), who had been his girlfriend for a while, but that didn't work out. They've been friends for a while, and while she's the only one who knows about the abuse (I might change that), he seems to avoid her more than he should.

I know that abuse victims are very clingy, but I guess I would prefer if he was more hermit-like than clingy.

I'm still working things out, so a lot could change, but I know that I'd like him to be a little out of touch with the rest of the world, especially this girl. Could you see an abuse victim turn into a hero during, say, the apocalypse? Does his despondency necessarily mean abuse? I'm still not sure.

And I'll be sure to bring the tissues!!!

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Inirac

They can be not-clingy too, depending on when the abuse happened.

If it happened early enough, they'd have trust-issues. Trust-issues means it's unlikely for one to feel close to another, nor less want to be near another for very long.

If you need something to go with, how about this: His mother was raped and bludgeoned over the head by her rapist, putting her into a coma for a few months. When she comes to, she's at the hospital, and, ta-da, she's pregnant. Her parents had decided for her that she should keep the child anyway because of their religious standings/background. While she had been in a coma, all she could think of / remember was being raped, and she relived it in her coma state over and over. So, when her child was finally born -- your MC -- she looks at him and finds him to look more like his father.

In such a situation, the mother would probably refuse to give him up, but complain about him at any given time, and verbally abuse him a great deal, maybe even stooping so low as to physically abuse him. If he has his father's eyes, why not make it that she tried to cut one of his eyes, leaving a scar and him blind in one eye?

Ah, your story, though. ^_^

One of the things that teachers are told to look for is unusual knowledge that could be gained through that type of abuse.

A sexual abuse victim will know more about sex; a victim of beating will know about how beatings are performed, with what and for what offenses (X strokes of the Y for offense Z), and so on.

Buddies welcome, scripts discussed, etc :)

Not necessarily. Speaking from experience, if you are dissociative you tend to become remote as you say "out of touch" with the rest of the world. My mother was physically abusive and I was described as a quiet child keeping to myself. In memory I was always looking for places to hide. Up a tree, going for solitary walks, etc. As for an abuse victim turning into a hero - like anyone, some people may become a hero, others not - you make your protagonist what you want him to be. I know a lot of abuse survivors (emotional, physical, sexual, otherwise) becoming suddenly very strong and outward to protect others if they see someone else being hurt. It can be a way to become more empowered after being disempowered for so long.

Don't worry too much what the "classic" signs are. Everyone is individual. A lot of the classics say that abuse victims go on to be promiscuous or abusive. I am neither, in fact, frigid would be closer to the truth. So let your character tell you what they are.

Good luck,
Jane

Thank you very much, Jane. When researching, it's sometimes hard to forget that everyone is individual because search terms need to be generalized. While these are regrettable circumstances, I greatly appreciate your input.

Good luck on your story,
inirac

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Inirac

I'm with Jane - don't work too hard to keep your MC in a box with boundaries defined by what adult survivors are supposed to be like. We are all over the place - yes, it's true that some of are abusive and that some of us enter into relationships as adults where we will be abused, but there are plenty of us who turn out surprisingly well-adjusted considering what our childhoods were like. A child's basic temperament is a huge factor in how they're going to respond to abuse. Some kids are very resilient.

Your MC could be very self-reliant, having learned at home that he really can't trust or rely on anyone but himself and that no one will take care of him or keep him safe. (Of course, it wouldn't be unusual for him to be clingy and needy, either. And it wouldn't be unusual if he is someone who tends to avoid emotional intimacy most of the time, but then becomes clingy when he finds someone he does trust.)

It can be desperately depressing to have that sense that there is no one in the world who will protect you or who can be trusted*, but it can also lead someone to cultivate an amazing strength (and also compassion), so I wouldn't be the least bit surprised to find that the person who saves the world is an adult survivor of abuse.

* Of course, you don't have to have been abused to have that sense of alienation. See the world of existentialist philosophy.

Drink coffee. Do stupid things faster and with more energy.

I can't answer the question, but I do have a new one of the topic.

Basically, I have a minor character (a girl, about 4) who died as a result of physical abuse from her mother. My FMC wants to help her, so she promises to help the gil find her Mommy. The girl blames herself (it's all my fault), and has the determination of a child's logic. SHe can also constantly hear her mother's voice blaming her for everything, etc. What do you think would be the best way for the FMC (a sweet teenager) to get her to forgive herself and let her spirit rest?

Or, how do you convince a little kid that it's not their fault that Mom was mad/upset/sad/hurtful/abusive? And, is it realistic for a little kid to think it's their fault, somehow, that a parent is abusive?

Thanks for your help.

-stranger

Very realistic for someone to blame themselves. A friend of mine who was physically abused but still loves her family would often make excuses for her dad: "He's so tired!" "He was stressed from problems with work and then he came home to us fighting" etc.
This is especially the case if a mom is telling what a bad little girl her daughter is, saying this is what she deserves, etc. A four year old, though might not think "this is my fault" but "I was bad and mommy had to punish me"
Not sure that it works for the FMC to convince the girl it's not her fault if she is perpetually a four year old. Maybe saying something like "no, you are a good little girl, and sometimes people get so hurt inside that they feel like they have to hurt others."
There are some books about dealing with abuse for young children, though I'm not sure of the titles. Maybe contact a local play therapist?

To the other poster with the rape/coma/pregnancy story...the only thing about that is that coma patients have a lot of drugs going through their system, so if the child survived that pregnancy at all, he would end up special needs most likely.

of course that is realistic. and quite common.

i am 32 years old and while some of the abuse i encountered i now realise is not my fault, some in particular i still "feel" responsible for though i "know" to say i'm not. things people have said to me run along the lines of -- if this exact same thing happened to someone else, would you blame them for it?

peace

thank you for sending me a copy of your book. i'll waste no time in reading it. [moses hadas]