Similar to the "rate the synopsis above you," I wanted to try this out. For those of us who have put up an excerpt, we could give a little encouragement or whatnot for the writing of the story.
The excerpt I currently have posted is around the midpoint of chapter one, but I don't think it should be too confusing. I didn't want to put up the beginning, though, because I wanted to show more of the magical realism, and there's maybe only one bit at the opening before it gets into the descriptions of the village. I'll probably change up the excerpt, too, as I get further into the novel.
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48,079 / 50,000
Nov 2, 2009 - 00 05
Hi ceramiccoconut! I really enjoyed your extract. Funny but serious, and the MC has a really strong personality, which is always good. I also like the strange limbo your character is in, it's the sort of place I imagine might actually exist. Keep up the good work!
The extract I've posted on my profile is basically just a short description of one of the MCs - a serving maid at Ithaka Palace, where she is expected to serve Penelope's suitors (I hope this makes sense, it's assuming you know Homer's Odyssey). The "triple challenge" is referring to a game the maids are playing - they challenge each other to make the suitors notice their existence, more or less.
----------Fruit you, you fruiting fruitster
25,500 / 50,000
Nov 2, 2009 - 08 27
very interesting, knightwriter. granted, slavery isnt something i love reading about, but the parallels to (and latent oddity of) Christian martyrdom make for a compelling read. had to finish reading it, even though it made me uncomfortable- thats what lit fic's all about, after all ^.^.
My excerpt is just the plain old beginning. Its essentially character development, but it also lays some groundwork for the trajectory of the story. Its pretty self explanatory, so I won't say anymore.
----------16,669 / 50,000
Nov 2, 2009 - 08 50
auddie: I love your descriptions of walking with the head down. It's written well, and a bit whimsical, but still asking big questions of society in general. I'm assuming you get into descriptions (or at least clues) of the MC next. I didn't read the synopsis before I read the bit, and I pictured it as a younger boy (probably because I could relate to the character). Then I read the synopsis and saw it was a young woman.
2,487 / 50,000
Nov 2, 2009 - 10 51
I like it. The voice is sort of cheshire-cat-esque, and I do love Lewis Carroll.
----------the world is ending and people are taking pictures
that won't last
10,103 / 50,000
Nov 2, 2009 - 11 46
I loved it! It's a little bit poetic and I love the feeling of actual thoughts, the kinda randomness of it that creates an image of small details. It doesn't feel like a first draft at all.
----------18,277 / 50,000
Nov 2, 2009 - 12 25
Hah! I love the MC! She's hilarious. The tension is intriguing, not to mention the conflict.
This is something I'd definitely buy if I picked it up in the book store.
51,877 / 50,000
Nov 2, 2009 - 12 35
edit: @citrusy's excerpt
Cool and strangely awesome. I just wish it was longer!
----------"This is going to be the worst day of your life. I'm bringing nunchuks." H. Freeman
10,090 / 50,000
Nov 2, 2009 - 12 28
Haha. I'm very intrigued by the first line of dialogue. Makes me wonder how the conversation could have possibly started. :)
18,277 / 50,000
Nov 2, 2009 - 12 44
The voice is incredibly developed, and it spurred me on. Also, the pacing is just right. You're good at not getting too introspective or caught up in the dialogue. Favorite part of mine's definitely the imagery of the street corner.
38,597 / 50,000
Nov 2, 2009 - 16 03
Short and sweet, really makes me want to know what happened before and what's going to happen next. Like the imagery with the cigar, fantastic
----------I see what you did there
5,661 / 50,000
Nov 2, 2009 - 16 13
Magestarium - Ooh, creepy and intriguing. I am already wary of this Father Gregory character, and can feel the character's disgust and fear every time they are near him. I also love the description of the parishioners being like sheep fattened for slaughter, and how the MC is above them and can see him for the wolf he is. Nice work!
----------"I don't much care where--" said Alice.
"Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat.
"--so long as I get SOMEWHERE," Alice added as an explanation.
"Oh, you're sure to do that," said the Cat, "if you only walk long enough."
7,242 / 50,000
Nov 2, 2009 - 16 24
Absolutely fascinating. You used very good imagery with the woman and the baby and mixed it with intense emotion. That's something quite rarely done well. Great job!
----------"Man is more himself, man is more manlike, when joy is the fundamental thing in him, and grief the superficial."
-G.K. Chesterton, Orthodoxy
7,500 / 50,000
Nov 2, 2009 - 17 13
Theology Geek:
I like the way you left a few loose ends in there, kind of flowing from one thought to another without much immediate explanation. it's very tangent-y, and gives some unique insight into the character's (possible?) internal conflict(s).
However, such a style would probably scare off flakier readers. Not that you wanted to impress them, I'm sure. xD
5,289 / 50,000
Nov 2, 2009 - 18 06
millemille:
I think your opening sentence is a little weak-- it shouldn't be needed. Otherwise there's some really good stuff going on; you've got a really great unified voice to your narrator, and you're doing a good job of avoiding an opening-paragraph infodump that your plot might risk.
6,641 / 50,000
Nov 2, 2009 - 19 36
jdmoore:
wow. I'm incredibly intrigued and I love your post-post modern style. I loved your apology for killing your characters and your own voice that was so prevalent. Your descriptions (especially the tie-ins to instruments) were beautifully done and I was really just floored by the presence in that opening excerpt. It does seem a bit heavy, but I mean, we aren't hear to discuss namby pamby BS, right?
----------Now I feel inadequate and don't want anyone to read mine but so it goes.
51,877 / 50,000
Nov 2, 2009 - 21 20
@Libertina:
Wowzers! I like everything about that. The black mass simile is to die for (get it when I say "to die for?"). If I was going to criticize, I'd say try to color up some of the sadness with imagery that strong -- I mean I know you can do it, ya just did -- brilliance like that is sort of wasted on apple pie, when there's apparently some pretty deep emotion going on just a few lines prior. I know I know, all I'm really saying is "you're great, now be better...." well it's true, you're great, and I'm hooked, but there's still room for more of that greatness to shine through. Keep it up!
----------"This is going to be the worst day of your life. I'm bringing nunchuks." H. Freeman
2,280 / 50,000
Nov 3, 2009 - 01 35
(I'd like to say that mine may or may not end up in the final version of the book. I wrote this during a word war earlier as part of a larger scene, and thought it'd make a nice preview of what you can expect in my thing ^^)
Anyway, nice. It took a little while to get going, it started slow, but once you got to the end... wow xD I loved that, especially since it's an old woman suggesting it. The only thing that'd make it creepier if if a /kid/ was suggesting it.
The description was also very good, it set a great tone for the rest of the excerpt. I might read more of this later on ^^
11,512 / 50,000
Nov 3, 2009 - 06 53
Dr. Paine: Your excerpt was really interesting. I really like the premise of your novel; it's really creative, and it's not something I would normally read, but what you've given me makes me wonder a lot about the experiment and what happens to the character who may or may not decide to move like he's been told. You get a good sense of how cold Susan can be as well. I like it!
----------Words: 11,512 (38,488 to go) || Chapters: 9 || MCs: 1 || Freak-Outs: 2 || Sanity Level: 89%
32,191 / 50,000
Nov 3, 2009 - 07 53
K Mae: I really liked your excerpt. You did a really good job of conveying the emotion of your character in that single moment. I can really identify and sympathize with her, which is always good (because I'm the kind of person who likes to sympathize with characters). Great job with showing instead of telling too. I also read through your synopsis and you seem to have a really interesting novel going. The excerpt fits in really well with your premise.
Good luck this month! :D
----------38,430 / 50,000
Nov 3, 2009 - 10 21
perfectisafault - Interesting excerpt. I liked the bit of stream of conciousness in the second paragraph about the futility of not being able to do anything useful in this life. I think we all feel that way a good deal of the time, and you did a good job conveying that. I think you should include a few more paragraphs though, so we can get more of a sense of the scene, but other then that, well done :)
----------~Nicole~
Nano2008 - Empty Eyes (68 K)
Nano2009 - Loss is a Four Letter Word
7,500 / 50,000
Nov 3, 2009 - 14 38
I think your opening sentence is a little weak-- it shouldn't be needed. Otherwise there's some really good stuff going on; you've got a really great unified voice to your narrator, and you're doing a good job of avoiding an opening-paragraph infodump that your plot might risk.
the opening sentance is in accordance wit hthe end of the prologue. =|
should've been more clear about that, sorry.
glad to hear the that voice is consistant, though. i always tend to struggle with that.
2,280 / 50,000
Nov 3, 2009 - 15 06
Not bad, though I think it could be a little more engaging. Right now it's just... there. Nothing overly exciting, it feels like I'm just reading a diary or something rather than someone talking.
Also, a slight wording error that you might want to look at:
"On the surface, I guess it’s cause you probably wouldn’t guessed otherwise."
Shouldn't it be 'wouldn't have guessed'?
52,258 / 50,000
Nov 3, 2009 - 20 27
Dr. Paine:
That was actually interesting. I ...don't really know what's going on. It's something about an experiment/test and this is the interview for it.
I'm actually really intrigued. It left me wanting to learn more about what the heck is going on. And I like the detail you put into Susan. *nods*
----------NaNo 2008 - The Hope That Follows (Epic Fail)
NaNo 2009 - The Escape Artist (50,060/50,000) [Not Finished]
34,003 / 50,000
Nov 3, 2009 - 23 02
Juniper34: First off, I'm new to this genre, so forgive me for a not-so-good analysis.
I like how you used everything around her - inside the car and out - to express both the time that was passing even as she drove to see her mother, and the act of being lost in her thoughts. How she seemed to want to push the man away but at the same time appreciated his words and actions really put a pin on how she was obviously torn and hurt by what was going on, but she didn't want to be lost completely.
There are a couple of minor grammatical errors that bothered me, but nothing that can't be overlooked.
As for anyone who reads mine - I've no idea if I belong in this genre, that's the real reason I'm posting here. I'm sure the lit fic people can tell me more than anyone if I belong in lit fic or not. My story has a mostly-fantasy based framework, but there is absolutely no plot, and the focus of the book is dreams that can relate to anyone anywhere, things that make people think. So forgive me if I don't belong here, but that's what I'm here to find out. ^^;
----------2007: FM: Lord Rising (still writing)2009: Somnium Mundi
4,178 / 50,000
Nov 4, 2009 - 11 15
Yume Nezumi:
Wicked! I like it! I think you do belong in LitFic or "Other" because your theme seems to fall under the Bizzaro category of fiction. I like the idea of the Creator being somewhat the keeper of dreams. And the description in the beginning was stellar! I suggest you check out the "None of the above" forum, I believe there's a section on "Bizzaro" in there, that can explain that category. Cheers!
----------I write because it's easier than saying the things I think about.
2,487 / 50,000
Nov 4, 2009 - 13 52
Amusing and funny. Yes, that's neoplasm, and yes, I'm posting twice. I'm such a rebel.
----------the world is ending and people are taking pictures
that won't last
18,277 / 50,000
Nov 4, 2009 - 15 46
Le-sac-magique:
I like it a lot. The voice reminds me of Confessions of a Wallflower, in the best way of course. Just try not to add to much other experimental stuff I think, because then it might become too foreign and seem gimmicky. I'm really interested in what this character has to say. Great piece.
16,606 / 50,000
Nov 4, 2009 - 23 06
@ citrusy
I've got one big problem with your story excerpt. =\
It's too short.
I really like what you wrote (Maybe because I'm partial to curse words. They make me laugh. >.>) and it would be fantastic to see a little more. It's like a teaser trailer. Now you've got me wondering about the setting, the reason your girl Livvy opened up with a roughly blunt/philosophical bit of dialogue. Good job~
- Kodu
----------22,492 / 50,000
Nov 4, 2009 - 23 06
-ciitrusy-
It's short, but I like the 'F-off' 'tood of it. It makes me want to get to know the person speaking. They seem interesting.
41,506 / 50,000
Nov 4, 2009 - 23 32
@kodukadvakch
Great dialogue. You have a very humorous voice, which I love. I think it's great for setting the tone of the story; you definitely got me interested in the brotherly relationship between Greed and Gluttony.
----------Cups of Tea Consumed: 49
Books Read During NaNo That Influenced My Plot/Characters: 10
Vlogbrothers Videos Watched: 34
Times Screwed Up in Class Because of Not Paying Attention: 15
Spazzes: 4