Here's what's happening now:
_________________
“Up you go Golden Boy.” Autumn said, leaning over and flicking his ear. “You think that Winter won’t spit in your eye?”
“I guess you’re right.” Michelle straightened up his chair. “I wouldn’t want to go blind from the venom.”
“That’s what I thought.” Winter gave him her best evil grin.
“Oooh, scary.” Said Diane. “The wrath a Winter is a treacherous thing.”
Winter snarled at her.
“Whatever, Winter.” Autumn grinned, throwing an arm around her sister.
“Oh my God,” Summer suddenly gasped as they pulled into the parking lot. “Look what the cat dragged in.”
Michelle glanced in the direction that Summer was gaping in. “Ah!” he exclaimed. “Do not let her see me!” He ducked down in his seat as far as he could go.
“Oh wow.” Winter’s eyes widened. “I can’t believe it-“
“-its Margaret Malloy.” Autumn finished the sentence.
“Quick, into the restaurant.” Diane hissed, throwing the door open and dragging Autumn out of the car as well.
Summer shut off the engine and hopped out of the car, Michelle was practically sprinting towards the restaurant doors.
“Michelle!”
He stopped dead frozen in his tracks.
________________________
Suggestions, please?!
-LW
----------
~Lone Writer~
50,513 / 50,000
Nov 2, 2009 - 13 03
I'd love to help you and can probably do so, but I don't think you've give us (at least not me) enough of the story to know what's going on?
Why does Michelle hate Margaret so much?
But, based on my guessing... here are some options.
Michelle hides in the bathroom until someone tells her Margaret is gone.
Margaret and Michelle have a big confrontation.
Margaret ignores Michelle and Michelle looks like an idiot for being melodramatic.
Margaret notices everyone running away from her and feels good because she doesn't like them either / bad because she just wants to be their friend / mortified because the guy she likes saw it happen...
Michelle trips over something in her mad dash for the door and gets injured, possibly prompting Margaret to be nice or mean.
Good luck!
----------Another new excerpt! This one is about faeries.
8,194 / 50,000
Nov 2, 2009 - 13 23
Why does Michelle hate Margaret so much?
But, based on my guessing... here are some options.
Michelle hides in the bathroom until someone tells her Margaret is gone.
Margaret and Michelle have a big confrontation.
Margaret ignores Michelle and Michelle looks like an idiot for being melodramatic.
Margaret notices everyone running away from her and feels good because she doesn't like them either / bad because she just wants to be their friend / mortified because the guy she likes saw it happen...
Michelle trips over something in her mad dash for the door and gets injured, possibly prompting Margaret to be nice or mean.
Good luck!
Oh Michelle is a guy for one, sorry I didn't realize I hadn't made that clear. And Margaret is his ex-girlfriend and nobody likes her because of what she did to Michelle. What I need to figure out is, what exactly did she do to Michelle? Thanks for the help!
~Lone Writer~
----------~Lone Writer~
50,513 / 50,000
Nov 2, 2009 - 14 03
Happy to help!
Reasons guys leave girls that are the girl's fault (among others):
1. she cheated
2. they think she cheated
3. she was too demanding
4. she was mean to his friends and/or put down his friends
5. she made him jealous on purpose
6. she put him down a lot, telling him he wasn't good enough for her, etc.
Given the context, I say you have a couple of clear choices for after Michelle stops dead in his tracks (and certainly many many more).
1. He stops, straightens his spine, and continues to walk away, essentially giving her the brush off.
2. He turns around and is mean.
3. He turns around and is aloof, or even tries to be nice / play it cool, etc.
4. His friends intervene, not allowing Margaret to get close or even speak to him.
I'd love to know what you eventually have them do. :)
----------Another new excerpt! This one is about faeries.
45,099 / 50,000
Nov 2, 2009 - 15 18
Maybe she didn't actively do anything? Maybe she was just a neurotic basket case and it took him freaking forever to get away from her, and it wasn't until he did that he realized how much she messed him up for other relationships. If you were his friend and had to watch all that wouldn't you hate her?
That's my two cents anyway. And also good for dramatic tension, because if she'd cheated or something unless he's a wus he could easily be slightly nasty or walk away. If she was harsh and you want him to have grown he'd have to take the high ground. If she was just a flake, he wouldn't want to be mean, but he wouldn't want to talk to her either.
Did any of that make sense?
----------NoVA ML
2009- Witching Time
2008-Phaedra's Light
2007-Dying to be Immortal (never move and try to start a book three days later)
2006-Thistles in Spring (worst title ever)
53,342 / 50,000
Nov 3, 2009 - 04 33
Jules,
That made a whole LOT of sense. You managed to explain in a few simple words why this meeting is so awkward. She is, obviously, not playing with a full deck, but she is nice and lovable. He cares a lot for the nice lovable side, but can't cope with the looney tune side. He just happens to be such a nice guy that he can't bring himself to hurt her just because she can't seem to understand that she is a fruit cake.
The others, seeing how the situation is ruining him, want her to ' buy a farm ', but they know that would destroy him. That leaves the others caught between the proverbial rock and hard place. To compensate, they try to keep the two separated, and run for the hills when the separation fails.
There was a movie entitled " The Greatest Show on Earth ". One of the interesting points that came out of the movie was that the loving one always hurts the one being loved. That leads to the questions:
" Does she love him?"
"Does he love her?"
"Does the love hurt?"
"Who hurts whom?'
"How is the hurting done?"
"What happens to the one who gets hurt?"
This could get very dark very fast.
BeaJay -- The Wordsmith Wannabe
----------BeaJay -- The WordSmith Wannabe
2006 - "The Vision of Second Samuel"
2007 - "Second Samuel's Vision Revealed"
2008 - "Perry Normel fun with Liu Syd Dreaming"
2009 - "Winning by Way of Losing"
8,194 / 50,000
Nov 3, 2009 - 05 40
Thank you guys so much for your help! I think I can combine all of your suggestions into one epic confrontation scene. As son as I've fixed it, I'll put it in my novel excerpt for all of you to see! :D
----------~Lone Writer~