Evaluate the above poster's excerpt.

Oooh, sarah-flute, I am *very* intrigued by the novel you have going on! Your excerpt really drew me in. Raphael sounds very interesting, and I like your FMC's self-deprecating tone. When can I read more?!

My excerpt is available for any critique - would be happy to hear, good or bad!

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer:

Dark Willow: You called me a rank, arrogant amateur. Well buckle up, Rupert... 'Cause I've turned pro.

Magemanda,
Your character seems really good and likeable for numerous reasons. She's intelligent and witty, making the read so much easier; her little commentaries through the excerpt just make it more interesting to read. I read through the whole thing easily and loved your choice of words because they were used in such a way that even if you didn't know what the word was you still understood because the tone and the voice of the character is so strong.

If I found this book in the bookstore, it would likely be coming home with me!

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"Everything that doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger. And later on you can use it in some story." Tapani Bagge

~~ http://danaharding.wordpress.com

Dana,

Your post is far too short (so that's a good thing that I think that)! In that short time, you made me want to know more about your characters and the love triangle happening there. And I'm impressed by the ambitious scope of your novel: love triangle, dealing with a sibling's death, Nazi Germany...you definitely whet my appetite to find out more!

XannaDew,

I read your synopsis before but I only just saw the excerpt. (The synopsis is great by the way - I would so be leaving the store with that book! I think I need someone to write synopses for me, I have given up trying to make them work.)

Typo check - I think you mean chicken masala not marsala? The second is a type of wine if memory serves, so your spellcheck may have thought it was OK :-D

I was a little thrown by the detailed description of her actions when she was getting ready for bed, but I think with the line about her ex,* it works - from the mundane to the "huh??! yerwhat?", and the juxtaposition makes it both funny and a bit of a shock. It made me laugh even though, from the synopsis, I was expecting something odd/random to happen.

(*which I won't repeat here as I don't want to post spoilers but I think it's obvious which one I mean!)

Clean, easy reading prose and I am left intrigued to read more, so, good stuff :-)

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magemanda, your excerpt made me laugh! I really enjoyed it. This sounds like it would be very entertaining to read and I am curious to see how it all works out (and I must admit special interest in her success or failure because I am one of those woman who could/would never be able to undertake what she is undertaking! Without a spoiler I can't elaborate but just let me say if I did then the fire department and poison control would likely both be involved before the end of the day.

Definitely has me curious! Good luck with finishing it- I bet it's going to be very entertaining...would be very interested to know how it all works out.

sorry this isn't a more articulate critique been up all night the sun has now risen and I neeeeed coffeeeeee darrrrlinggggggg.

~bru

PS to the OP, sarah-flute thanks for starting this thread here in Chic-lit! so glad to see your excerpt is up! You know I am really looking forward to reading this...and that's all i will say for now because anything else I say will just cross the line into shameless flattery knowing well how you write from last year *laugh* :) Can't wait to see the finished product.

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"When your back's against the wall,
that's when you show no fear at all,
and when you're running out of time,
that's when you hitch your star to mine"~Keane

February, I really like your excerpt. It drew me right in. There was a bit of comic relief at the beginning (klingon?) but i had that sort of nagging feeling that something bad was happening. i have a pretty good idea of the basic plot, and it absolutely leaves me wanting more.

also, having spent a fair bit of time on message boards in the past 7 years, i could actually relate to that sinking helpless feeling you might get when one of your online 'friends' is in trouble.

i absolutely want to read more!

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Thank you so much divy! I just took a peek at yours and I would definitely, definitely want to read this.

I love your description of the woman your MC was analyzing and the end of the excerpt just completely got me.

I only wish there was more there to read! I want to know more about this 'curse'...!

Seriously.

Please extend your excerpt.

Thank you. :)

Don't make me beg. C'mon. It's not my style but this one time I might do it. :D

Keep writing!!! This sounds like a really fun read.

~bru

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"When your back's against the wall,
that's when you show no fear at all,
and when you're running out of time,
that's when you hitch your star to mine"~Keane

february, i'm apparently a sucker for a good ego stroke. I excerpted (is that even a word? it must be, i see no red line below it) the rest of that scene, and included my prologue as well, which details the sweater curse. i didn't originally include that, because it really doesn't have the same tone as the rest of the story (which is why it magically became my prologue. ta-daah!)

thanks again for the praise. it does wonders.

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*blushing furiously* thanks Bru!

(I'll pay you later, paypal OK? LMAO :-D)

I do hope people will find this thread useful! I know I have found its ilk to be really helpful and encouraging.

Divy, I was already grinning half a paragraph into your prologue. This is really promising stuff! I loved the concept and it made a great introduction to your book.

The 2nd half of the excerpt is cleverly written and manages to pull a few wry smiles and even a couple of laughs (whilst feeling slightly guilty laughing!) out whilst being in overall effect a punch to the gut (I am more or less bleeding for your FMC at this point). Some great descriptive language (I have a very clear idea of the girl in the sweater for example; without going overboard on the physical description I absolutely know who she is and what she looks like)

In short, I hope you weren't looking for constructive criticism, because I unreservedly loved this and would be taking it home with me to read were it not for the fact that this is NaNo and the rest of the book is yet to be written let alone published. Damnit.

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Sarah- I'm reading through your excerpt thinking 2 things 1.) I want your main character's hair. Seriously awesome description and 2.) it's a good excerpt because I think a lot of women are that way about their hair (always calling it messes and hiding it), so it's very relatable. I like how the potential MMC is grabbing onto that aspect of your FMC and making it a good part of the story. I don't know why I like it, but I think The one thing I did notice as I was reading through and then looking at your avatar, is that you have curly red hair that looked to be put into a ponytail. I just wonder about that. I don't want something so nicely written to be perceived as "Mary-Sue" chick lit.

kimby,

OK, first of all, just reading the synopsis had me hooked. Probably because I can personally relate to this character already. I, too, have caught three bouquets at the last three weddings I've been to, and I keep joking about it and wondering if the third time's a charm.

Off to read excerpt now ...

Done!

OK, now I'm dying to know who this MarvelMan is and why they're planning a virtual trip together! The map sounds awesome; I want one! I also want to know how she broke her nose! Is this the very beginning of the book or somewhere in the middle?

I definitely think you're off to a great start. The premise is fantastic. I'm a little jealous of your idea. =) Good luck with the rest of it!

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Kelly
2006 winner: "Serendipity is for Suckers" - Buy now at http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/serendipity-is-for-suckers/78...
2009: "Happiness Is ..."
*Writing is the flip side of sex – it's good only when it's over.
Hunter S. Thompson*

magemanda

I love that a common premise -- turning a boyfriend into a fiance -- can become a unique story based on the person telling it. What I've read so far is promising. I love the image of her mentally smacking herself in the head and I'm really interested in reading more about her mother's preparation of Thanksgiving dinner being akin to a military effort.

And I'm sure Robert has issues that should be interesting to explore. I like what I've read so far.

Minor technical note which is being really picky, but here goes. I like to see an actual space between each paragraph. I know you have paragraph breaks in your excerpt, but it looks like a big block of gray, since there aren't any full spaces between each paragraph. Picky, I know. It's just a personal preference.

I'll be watching your word count -- keep on typin' sister!

cg

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Cardiogirl: 19% body fat, 100% fun
http://www.cardiogirl.net

So do I!

Re: the MarySue potential - I know what you mean, and part of me worried about that, but to be honest my hair is only remotely like the hair I described (mine is a little ginger on a good day in the sun and frizzy more than curly!), and it's one of few things my character has in common with me so I think/hope I'm not treading down the Mary Sue path. (Though I think if I were changing the colour probably wouldn't help much and if I'm not then I should be OK...)

I did think of giving her an entirely different hair colour style, but the whole scraped-back-in-a-band thing is so common to women, and I really wanted her to have the kind of hair that could be relatively easily tamed but that would be a real feature if she was convinced to let it down. For now I just want to let her enjoy her awesome hair *laughs*

But anyway, I just wanted to say thanks for your review and that I definitely am bearing what you said in mind.

So yeah. Don't know if that made much sense?!

Cardiogirl: I've just finished your synopsis and I'm already giggling!

"That is how I would enjoy being involved, Girl Scouts of America – at an arm’s length away."

I wonder if this would sound a bit better without the "away" on the end which seems superfluous, though that said, don't delete it till December ;-)

I like how she's a little bit Imelda Marcos about her trainers!

Overall it made me laugh several times and between your synopsis and that excerpt, I'd definitely be thumbing through this if I came across it at a bookshop.

edit: purple crayon, I did try to read your excerpt to give you some feedback but I really struggled. I know it's not usual in a real book to add gaps between paragraphs but on a computer screen it generally is easier to read than if it's large blocks of text. I found I struggled to follow the dialogue too, just because it's a bit squashed up.

I hope you don't mind me saying... it's just that if it was a little more spaced out it would be a lot easier to read. I don't want you to miss out on being reviewed because of something that should be reasonably simple to remedy :-D

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Sarah-flute,

I really enjoyed reading your excerpt! I especially liked how you used the description of your MC's hair - which was great btw, I could really conjure up the mental image - to reveal information about her character. I love it when writers use things other than obvious descriptions of personality to provide characterization.

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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Dianne

NaNoWriMo 2009 - Ignoring June

sarah-flute,

thanks for the suggestion! I didn't even think about how hard that might be to read. It's fixed now, so hopefully more people will be able to read it.

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Kelly
2006 winner: "Serendipity is for Suckers" - Buy now at http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/serendipity-is-for-suckers/78...
2009: "Happiness Is ..."
*Writing is the flip side of sex – it's good only when it's over.
Hunter S. Thompson*

Thank you *blush* :-D

I'm going to review both Diannein and purplecrayon as PC got missed, but one at a time!

Diannein: straight off I am intrigued by the title. I don't know where it's the month of June or a person named June, and I do't know why she/it is being ignored. I can make a guess or two after reading the synopsis, but I don't know for sure and so you already have me hooked - nice job.

"As Karen prattled on about cute baby clothes and cute baby toys and cute baby noises"

This line made me laugh.

Also really liked "feeling more like a criminal than a customer" - it is so easy to imagine her feeling that way.

My only two nitpicks are:

"She returned her stare to the store shelves in front of her" - I'm too tired right now to make a better suggestion, but "returned her stare" feels little unnatural here. Maybe she resumed staring at the shelves, or... something else. But this construction is just a bit strange and it took me out of the moment.

The other one is I think as much as anything a matter of taste, but just in case... when you mention the storegirl's name is Karen, you then continue to refer to her as Karen; I can understand why you're not using pronouns, because you have two girls talking to each other, but it does mean that this (I assume, and I could be wrong) minor character's name is thrown at the reader several times in quick succession. I don't think it's intrinsically bad, I just noticed it and it took me out of the story as I read. You could maybe refer to her as the clerk on one of those occasions or the girl or rejig a sentence. Or you might be perfectly happy with the effect in which case ignore me!

Overall, I really like it, I'm really intrigued, I want to know if Jenna is pregnant, I want to know why Lucas is deserving of only fairly luekwarm praise, I want to find out in what way Bradley is toxic, I want to know how he is going to be part of the story, I want to get to know Jenna better... I could go on. You created a vivid scenario and a recognisably real character in the space of a fairly short excerpt. Really good, and I would certainly be tempted to buy this book from that synopsis and first page.

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PurpleCrayon - that is SO SO much better! Thanks for taking it the right way and thanks for making reviewing your excerpt a heck of a lot easier!

My review seems to have got quite long, hope that's OK, it is a long excerpt so it's not surprising I suppose!

The synopsis I thought was good - these are interesting characters. Adrienne is the one who has most of my sympathy first off the bat, but I am also interested in a slight overturning of stereotype that your glamour girl Fiona is also someone who is dissatisfied with her life.

"these four women have to learn for themselves what happiness really is and how to find it. In the end, they may just discover that friends are worth more than all the men in the world."

This is a great tagline and I like the sentiment, too.

You have a few occasions where you have a missing word or a grammar error which from the rest of your writing looks like a typo - ie the book follows, not follow, and when you write "even after an eight-hour tending bar" I'm assuming you intended to write "shift" or something similar in there? If you can find someone willing to line edit for mistakes it can be easier than spotting them yourself, plus it avoids the dreaded inner editor! Anyway, only typos, but it's easier to spot them in someone else's writing, so I thought I'd give you a heads up :)

Mason as the "gay best friend" is a bit of a cliche, but SUCH a fun one (I had a gay best friend infiltrate my novel last year and I don't care if it's terribly cliched, I LOVED writing him - I'm sure it's probably not PC to single him out so but it's true). I love that he has orange hair. For some reason I imagine him as black, and so his hair really would be wooeeee startling! But either way, I love the colour, and I just know he is going to be fun.

There's quite a lot of description, which is nice because you've done little pencil portraits of all these people and given good impressions of each of them, but some of your details could be more effectively brought out in the dreaded "show rather than tell" manner.

I think Mason might be a good example - the fact that he would couple non-matching neon socks with a suit, or that he would dye his hair orange, tells me about his character without actually saying "oh and by the way this is what he is like", and actually it does so more effectively than actually spelling out his attitude to life, if you see what I mean.

"But that was the problem – she was firmly stuck in the “Land of Friendship,” and there may have been no getting out of it."

The last bit of this doesn't quite make sense to me. Maybe you could say "she felt like there was no getting out of it" or simply that "there was no getting out of it"?? "there may have been no getting out of it" doesn't quite sound like it's written from her perspective. Maybe I'm being thick, but although I could see what you meant the actual words just made me go "huh?"

"The staff at Felice was basically one big incestuous, dysfunctional family. Everyone had dated everyone, everyone was sleeping with everyone.

Everyone except Adrienne, that is."

I loved these lines - that instantly gives me a feel for Felice as a working environment, and what Adrienne feels is her place in it.

Also loved:

"“Yes, totally fascinating. But will this wine be on the new menu?” Mason broke in. He poured himself another glass, and looked around sheepishly when he realized he had finished the bottle."

That is another lovely character detail that has come out totally naturally in the course of the excerpt, and as a bonus it made me laugh!

I really liked Adrienne joking about Fiona's craziness and then the next instant falling into a funk because Dean is meeting up with a woman in her apartment block of all places - that is a punch in the gut and you really captured it well.

Oh there are a bunch of lines or bits I could pick out, but this is going to get crazy long if I do, so suffice to say you have some really funny one liners and asides in there that I like a lot!

I don't think I fully have Dean figured out, but I'd definitely be interested to see how things pan out with him and Adrienne. I enjoyed reading it. Thanks!

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Sarah-flute, thanks so much for the praise! And I appreciate the constructive criticism. You made some excellent points. I'm going to store them away in my notes. I promised myself NO EDITING until after November 30th, so I will certainly take your suggestions into consideration in December. :)

And the title refers to something that will come along later in the plot. To explain it here would just take waaaay too long. However, I'm not in love with the title. It's just a working one and may change once I finish the story.

Thanks again!

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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Dianne

NaNoWriMo 2009 - Ignoring June

sarah-flute,

Thanks so much for going back and reading. I really appreciate it.

Yes, definitely some typos and stuff. I'm actually an editor for a living, but when I do NaNo, I kick my inner editor to the curb and worry about that stuff later. But it is definitely hard to edit your own stuff, so thanks for pointing out a few things!

I love the character of Mason, and I'm having fun writing him, but yeah, I don't want to get toooo cliched with him. We'll see how it pans out.

As always, I have to work on my showing, not telling. It is the part of writing I have the most trouble with, that's for sure.

Thanks again for reading and commenting!

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Kelly
2006 winner: "Serendipity is for Suckers" - Buy now at http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/serendipity-is-for-suckers/78...
2009: "Happiness Is ..."
*Writing is the flip side of sex – it's good only when it's over.
Hunter S. Thompson*

Just have to say I am loving the positivity in this thread, and thanks to all for your kind comments about my excerpt. I have some catching up to do in terms of reviewing the excerpts of other folks!

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer:

Dark Willow: You called me a rank, arrogant amateur. Well buckle up, Rupert... 'Cause I've turned pro.

I shouldn't worry too much about cliche in regards to Mason - he is such a likable character that I went from "cliche" to absolutely loving him in about 5 seconds *laughs*

I think you should take comfort from the fact that you clearly *can* "show and not tell" - the parts about Mason's hair and socks, and him with the wine just say SO much about his character. If you resist the temptation to go into huge "tell everything" detail then I'd lay money you'll find yourself just naturally portraying the character by their actions, because you did then and it was great.

Oh and by the way, I absolutely adore the title of your Lulu book, Serendipity is for Suckers - that made me laugh.

Dainnen: I can sympathise over picking a title - took me ages last year and I was still never satisfied... but Ignoring June is definitely intriguing. Like I said, I would definitely be adding your book to my must read list if I came across it in a store.

That's the worst thing about NaNo, reading great synopses and excerpts and then not being able to read the book *sulks*

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I've popped a new excerpt up as well :-)

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer:

Dark Willow: You called me a rank, arrogant amateur. Well buckle up, Rupert... 'Cause I've turned pro.

magemanda, i really liked your new excerpt (though i didn't catch the old one). I really got a clear insight into your MCs head (though i didn't catch her name- i have to say i had a terrible time with that too, writing in the first person, figuring out how to reveal the MCs name. I still don't think her last name is in my story :P)

the only criticism i can offer is that it seemed like the reveal of emily's intentions was a little abrupt. I would love to see her bitchiness exposed in a more drawn out way (though maybe you've already done that as the story progressed).

It definitely drew me in!

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divy-

Your descriptions are phenomenal! I struggle with that daily while writing, I'd rather write dialogue over prose, but I'm in total writer lust with your ability to paint a picture. The detail you put into Layla...I have no trouble at all getting a great image going in my brain. I know EXACTLY what she looks like, no question. and I hate her. already. haha :)

I am already broken hearted for your MC and i don't even know her name!
I have no criticism, really, in fact I cannot wait to keep reading.
Let me know if...I mean WHEN you publish, I will be the first in line.

Being a non-knitter I had no idea about the "knitter's curse" and wow, how interesting! I'm very excited to hear more...

The cover art is perfection, btw.

I'm glad someone else failed miserably to give any actual criticism to divy, lol - it's not just me who's aching to get hands on that book then! :-D

Jjacks - I enjoyed your synopsis. A funny premise in your FMC and then an interesting twist with her advising a film star. I'm already intrigued. By the way, I think you mean role not roll :-D

Your excerpt is really short - I would love to get more of a flavour of your novel but I enjoyed what I read.

Come December and editing time:

“Career,” he scoffed, “definitely career.”

I don't really understand why you used scoffed there - it doesn't quite sit right, for me. Something to look at when you come to edit. I'm sure there is a better suited word, or maybe leave out the speech tag.

Just a thought - when you're intro'ing your MMC, has it occurred to you to rejig it slightly so say something like "the kind of voice that was like butter, the kind of voice you would pay to listen to, the kind of voice that was... strangely familiar" - just a thought - that repetition could be well used for comedic effect :) (I may have got the original bits slightly wrong, please ignore that, I am editing this after closing your profile page!)

Carrie comes across as very prim on the phone which I found quite funny. I think it suits the piece by the way, so I'm not saying her primness is a bad thing! I'm imagining that when her computer throws a wobbly the real Carrie might turn out to be a little bit less in control! lol - I wait in anticipation!

I liked it!

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Thanks Sarah (I'm a Sarah too btw)

You're absolutely right about the "scoff" I knew what I meant, but just got caught up and didn't pay attention to the way it read...which, hello cardinal rule!

Also, you've nailed my MC.
I work for a company where I answer the phone all day and we have a little script we have to follow that makes us sound "prim and formal" so I thought that would be fitting for a telephone psychic to have the same sort of script.

I added a little more to the excerpt so hopefully you can gain a little more insight and realize that this "phone personality" is just an act.

As for your excerpt, I've read the other reviews of it (as well as the actual excerpt) and I have to say I competely agree with the comment about her hair. What a gorgeous description.
I need to know what box # she is! even if it is natural there has to be a L'Oreal dupe out there somewhere, right? haha :)

*grin* the closest I ever come to that colour is if I henna my hair, which also temporarily softens it and makes it really nice and shiny. If it wasn't so much faff I'd do it once a month, because I love the affect! It's still nothing close to the colour I imagine Sandy's (my FMC) to be!

I loved the addition to your excerpt by the way. More, more!

I just put a new excerpt up. I think I caught all the unfortunate typos... I hope I did!

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Sarah-flute,

I loved your excerpt. I could clearly picture the situation, and the players. Every gesture, her nervousness was crystal clear. It has a nice feel to it as well. I can't wait to read more!

~karen

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~Karen
2009: Prints of Tides OR All Roads Lead to Home(mystery/suspense)

karen:

One sentence in your excerpt 2 made me go HUH? - "Maybe she’d swear off men entirely, and just become a reclusive old cat lat."

Do you mean cat lady or is cat lat just a phrase I've not come across.

Your descriptions of Melody's state of mind were interesting - I liked particularly her looking into the rockpools.

Excerpt 1 was funny, some good spiky humour and chemistry between her and the reporter, I enjoyed that!

Melody is definitely an interesting character I feel I'd want to read about.

Sorry this isn't very in depth, but I am tired - wanted to get the thread moving again! I'll try and give a more thorough critique sometime when I'm not about to drop off to sleep! :-D

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Sarah-Flute:

It's a lovely excerpt, brilliant writing. :D The following comments are merely my opinion, and hopefully beneficially. I know it's only an excerpt, and that the full story is always better.

"Come on, give, where did you find someone selling frozen dairy products containing diet inducing quantities of chocolate and with E number infested sprinkles on top." This is a very witty line, super clever - except it's a bit of a run-on. And it takes more than one breath to get it all out. The length sort of draws from the cuteness of the line. I know you want to get all that description in - more words and all - but I would consider keeping your lines to where the reader can read it comfortably.

The dialogue is extremely well-written, and I felt connected to the narrator :D I'd love to read the rest of the novel - I already am cheering her on. I loved how relax the narration was, and how realistic her thoughts were. Wonderful.

Great job!!

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I asked Ring Lardner the other day how he writes his short stories, and he said he wrote a few widely separated words or phrases on a piece of paper and then went back and filled in the spaces. ~Harold Ross