Hello!
I know there is a thread like this on the Fantasy forums, and probably on other genre forums as well, but that can get chaotic and messy. With so many people posting, sometimes at the same time, some people get more than one review, and others get skipped. I think with hour smaller numbers here, it wouldn't happen. Also, since we're from the same region, it wouldn't be a bad idea to help each other out.
Basically, post an excerpt of your novel so far in the Novel Info section. Then come here and review the excerpt of the person that posted last. That's it. Excerpts can be long, short, your best work, something you're not sure is good. Whatever. The only policy is honesty when it comes time to review. Point out the problems if any, give praise if needed, but be honest and helpful.
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80,835 / 50,000
Nov 4, 2009 - 18 56
Okay, Dayan, I'm no professional reviewer, but I'll take a shot at yours.
First of all, I want to tell you that I read your excerpt earlier this afternoon, before you proposed the review thread, and I was already planning to post and tell you that I liked it. Very atmospheric - we get the feel of not only the bookstore, but the world you're creating. I like the way it draws the reader into the story, giving plenty of information but in a way that raises a lot more questions and makes you want to keep reading to find out the rest of the story.
A couple of general comments:
- Like I said, you're presenting a lot of information! This passage is so dense with content that I had to read it several times to try to absorb every hint that you're dropping about the story. So if this is what you're going for - good job! As a reader, though, I'd hate to miss a clue, so it felt like a bit of work for me to keep track of everything you're telling us: Adrien's financial situation, his social situation, his magical abilities, his memories of his mother, his lack of interest in the pretty woman... etc, etc. That's a lot to throw at us in a relatively short section. I'd say it's fine as long as you're planning to build more on each point later on.
- Some of the wording seemed a little awkward to me. For example:
"...which allowed whoever stood where he was to see better into better lit places."
I get the idea, but maybe there's a more elegant way to convey this - I don't know, something like: "...which allowed him to observe all corners of the shop from this vantage point." Same number of words even!
And then you go on to say: "It could have been intimidating, but the intentional design prevented it from flourishing in the mind." What could have been intimidating? The dimness? And what was going to flourish in his mind exactly - the fact that he was intimidated by dimness? But since he knew that the arrangement was done on purpose, it didn't bother him so much? Again, I think I get the idea, but the wording could flow a little more smoothly. And then there's "Adrien's eyes weren't on them." Weren't on what? All the descriptive details you listed in the previous paragraph? The reference isn't quite clear to me. A few other sentences struck me with a similar feeling.
On the other hand, there were a number of phrases I particularly liked, including:
"...possessed of whatever self-assurance the other two lacked."
"...gifted enough to wrap the other two around his magnetic personality."
"...he had come back without any idea whatsoever of where he’d departed to."
"...and,” the syllable dragged on..."
Nicely stated!
- and some minor editorial points:
"...approach and as he turned the corner." should be "...approach as he turned the corner."
"...before leaving the isle..." should be "...before leaving the aisle..."
"...chuck it up..." should be "...chalk it up..."
Overall, very positive impression from me. Not sure this helps, but there you are.
Chris
----------Surge of energy, spark of inspiration.
64,003 / 50,000
Nov 5, 2009 - 18 37
First thing's first, you have a wonderful premise and setting. I like atypical fantasy worlds, and I'm slowly discovering the world of steampunk, so your synopsis and description definitely caught my eye for originality's sake. You also have a great grasp of imagery, with many of your descriptions allowing me to hear or visualize your world perfectly. And your character Plato seems a sort of charming rogue right now, leaving me with a lot of questions about his intentions. Good job at the intrigue. Just a few notes.
Your first few sentences are filled with quite a few adverbs. You have "unconsciously," "slowly," and "uncomfortably" all within close proximity to each other. My drafts usually start with adverbs, which I try to weed out over time by picking stronger verbs later on. For instance, instead of "uncomfortably tucked," you could leave it just as "tucked" or convey some of his discomfort with "crammed" or "shoved."
The darkness, as noted, was not entirely complete – a wavering glow leaked through a pattern of threadlike fissures surrounding the access doorway at the end of the container. Since you already mentioned the darkness, and not too long ago, you don't have to mention it twice. I'd start the sentence with "A wavering glow."
“You have my undying gratitude, my good man” he pronounced. “Wouldn’t you know it – I inadvertently found myself enclosed within the compartment after my cargo audit at the last stop,” he explained. This one's a matter of personal preference. I usually don't tag my dialogue very much. Here, there just doesn't seem any reason for the double tags, as there's no way the reader will forget who's speaking, and the words are all strong enough to convey Plato's tone.
Otherwise, very strong excerpt. It definitely had me intrigued, and I'd love to know where you go with it. Two thumbs up.
Amanda
----------2004: A Memory Not Mine (55K)
2005: Double Edged (76K)
2008: Empire Farms (64K)
2009: No Asylum (goal: 100K)