"Okay, yeah I was really thin. I had kids that randomly walked up to me and asked me if I was anorexic. But I ate really badly. I should be morbidly obese, but I’m not, I just have a super fast metabolism. Which people say is good, but you are always hungry and you always have to pee.
Then again, I like being able to eat whatever I want whenever I want and even if I didn’t get any exercise; I would still look like this. "
Do you want to COUNT how many times I switched tenses in that paragraph! Which one do I use? It's not *really* a retelling of anything, so present? But aren't they usually in past?
AHHH!
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54,665 / 50,000
Nov 10, 2009 - 17 11
i'm a past tense person, through and through. I think it's easier to read. That's what i would go with for the above
----------Sarah
"She said she cried at least once each day not because she was sad, but because the world was so beautiful and life was so short" - Brian Andreas
69,948 / 50,000
Nov 11, 2009 - 13 09
Hi Adj, I've just read your extract. Congratulations, it's perfect. Hang on, you'll say, can any writing be perfect? Yes, it can, when it's in the mouth of the main character. It's like reported speech without the inverteds. You've caught a 'voice' perfectly. This is a self-conscious girl who's being frank about herself. Forget tense and grammar and all those 'writerly' things. Just think 'character'.
Don't change a thing.
Good luck with your (her) story.
----------MJ
69,948 / 50,000
Nov 11, 2009 - 13 15
Again, Adj, Sorry, I missed your inverteds first time around. It works just as well with them, but there is an argument for this little piece being an internal monologue, which is best used when there's no-one for your character to speak to. So, it works either way - as speech or as i.m. Interior monologue is often neglected, but it can serve a very valuable purpose, because you can indulge in all sorts of fanciful, risky, daring, honest debate, since it's all going on, safely, in your m.c's head.
----------MJ
130,528 / 50,000
Nov 15, 2009 - 08 14
Then again, I like being able to eat whatever I want whenever I want and even if I didn’t get any exercise; I would still look like this. "
One thing stood out to me:
But I ate really badly.
Badly means - to be doing something that is bad, wicked, or otherwise criminal -- in other words she is eating while getting ready to rob the bank;
or to not do something well, to do it poorly -- in other words she rarely eats at all and may go days with out food, which seems to be the opposite of what you are intending to say here.
This implies that your character is some sort of evil villain because s/he eats something or that she does not eat anything at all. Changing the word "badly" to a word such as "a lot", "more than I should", etc. will sound much better and make more sense.
For example:
But I could never stop eating.
But I ate so much more than I should.
But I ate a lot, really, I did.
But I ate like a horse. I just couldn't get enough food.
Each of those not only reads better, but it actually means that your character is over eating, not getting ready to rob a bank or hiding in a closet not eating for days on end.
Your excerpt would sound better like this:
Past:
"Okay, yeah I was really thin. Kids would randomly walk up to me and asked me if I was anorexic. But I ate so much more than I should. I should have been morbidly obese, but I wasn't. I just had a super fast metabolism. People say that is good, but I was always hungry and I always had to pee. Then again, I liked being able to eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted and even if I didn’t get any exercise; I would still be thin. "
. . . OR . . .
Present:
"Okay, yeah I'm really thin. I have kids randomly walk up to me and ask me if I'm anorexic. But I eat a lot, really, I do. I should be morbidly obese, but I’m not. I just have a super fast metabolism. People say that is good, but I'm always hungry and I always have to pee. Then again, I like being able to eat whatever I want, whenever I want and even if I don’t get any exercise; I can still look like this. "
Yes, it does make a difference which you use in your story and where you us it.
In the past tense, your character sounds like an adult reminiscing about her teen years, and mournfully wishing she was as thin as she was so many years ago..
Whereas in the present tense, she sounds like a 14 year old trying to justify her physical appearance to a school guidance counselor, who has just told her she needed to see a psychiatrist to find out why she isn't eating.
Changing the tenses, changed the reader's mental image of the girl. In one tense she is a young girl, while in the other tense she is and older woman. In one tense she was speaking in self defense, in the other she was thinking about things that happened years ago.
So, is your story about a teenage speaking about this past week, or a woman talking about way back when? That will determine which tense you are writing here.
----------Please Buy My NaNoWriMo 2008:
50,022 / 50,000
Nov 15, 2009 - 10 24
Tense matters. Always, regardless of voice. If this is part of a speech or an internal monologue (and by that I mean separate from the main narrative) taking place in the present of the book, use the present tense. If this is part of the main narrative, it should match the rest of your novel. If you're asking about the tense of your manuscript as a whole, it's up to you, although the vast majority of fiction is written in the past tense, and that's what people are going to be used to.
I disagree. While this is correct from a strictly syntactical standpoint, this is written in a specific voice: that of a fourteen year old girl, who is going to use badly exactly like she has. While it may be more "correct" to say "poorly," most (and I say most, because I know I wasn't typical) teenagers are going to say "I eat badly," not "I eat poorly." I don't find it confusing, and I think anyone reading it, especially in your target audience, is going to be confused about your meaning.
----------http://tiredace.wordpress.com