Our Covenant
an excerpt

“It’s my privilege to introduce our speaker for today. His name is Dr. Gable and he is joining us from the First Unitarian Society of Houston, where he is in his last year of settled ministry, before he joins the Unitarian Universalist Association in Boston, where he will be heading up our PR efforts. Please join me in welcoming Dr. Phil Gable.”

He looks to be about 60 or so. Bald as the day he was born.

‘”Am I good enough?’ Those four little words carry a lot of power. A lot of judgment. A lot of baggage. A lot of pain. Those four little words can cause even the mighty to question themselves. Time and time again throughout history this oft unspoken question haunts the souls of prophetic men and women. It haunts the souls of us right here in this very room. We rarely ask it outloud, and rarely quell it within our hearts.

Am I good enough?

All of us have an inner critic constantly critiquing us and judging us whenever we make a decision, and even when we don’t make a decision. Minute by minute, hour after hour, day after day, year after year, haunting us with the simple question ‘Am I good enough.’ Maybe it was one of the derivatives, just as dangerous. ‘What will people think of me? Did anyone notice that? What will happen if I do this? Am I doing right? What will THEY think?’

When we were children, we were one with the infinite energy of the universe. We would dance, we would sing, we didn’t have a care for what others thought of us, or what we thought of ourselves. We simply enjoyed the moment, we were one. No thoughts of the elusive “they” popped into our head.

But then once we hit a certain age, our parents began to intervene. We able no longer to dance if we were moved to do so, because what would other people think? We weren’t children anymore, and it was time for us to grow up. We longed to hear from our parents that we were being a good little boy or girl. They had the best of intentions for us, but it had a horrific unintended consequence - those four little words.

Am I good enough?

We started to hear those four little words pop up in other voices, usually sounding like our mother. ‘Why did you do that? What were you thinking? What compelled you do something like that? Did you think before you acted?’ We kept on hearing more voices, until they joined in a cacophony of self-doubt. Our ego had firmly taken control.

Dr. Wayne Dryer once told me that the ego edges God out. E-G-O. Ego. Once the ego has taken over, we cease to be connected to that spirit, to that life behind all life. And we worry what others think of us, and we internalize it, seeing ourselves as we think others see us. In the most negative light possible.

AM I GOOD ENOUGH?

I have a secret friends.

Everybody is good enough. You are good enough.

We were designed to be perfect. Would we have been created as imperfect?

We have to stop the ego driven question, “am I good enough?” Stop worrying what others think of your every action. You are. No one is focused on what you are doing - everyone else is just like you, wondering if they are good enough. The elusive “they” whose opinions we’re worried about? THEY don’t exist; a product of our uncontrolled ego.

Friends, it is so liberating to let go of this thought.

That doesn’t mean it’s easy. It’s taken you a lifetime to develop that ego, and its not going to disappear over night. But realize this; say it to yourself whenever those doubts pop back into your head. You are good enough. We are all good enough. And we will always be good enough.”

Wow.

Just. Wow.

That’s incredible. That’s exactly what I needed to hear, only more eloquently than I ever could have. Thank you good reverend. Wow. I need to stop asking if I am good enough. I need to stop telling myself that I am not good enough. That I should be better than this. That’s a horribly dirty word, should. That might be the most guilt-laden word in the English language. Should. So should be better? I am perfect. I was created perfect. I need to stop letting my ego get in the way of my sense of self worth. I am good. I don’t need anyone to tell me that. I need to reconnect to what makes me whole.
I should be able to live above what others think of me. AH! There’s that should again. I should eliminate the word should from my vocabulary.

Should. I just said I should do something. I can eliminate it from my mental routine, but I need to practice. I don’t need to beat myself up over it if I do use it though. That’s probably going against the spirit of what he talked about, not to mention that is just another voice telling me that I’ not good enough and that I’m doing stuff, doing something wrong. I am not doing something wrong. I am doing something right. I am good enough.

I am good enough to get a job.
I am good enough to lose the weight.
I am good enough to be my true self.

But why is it that I can think it, but not feel it?

I know this. But I can’t feel it in my heart yet. How long does it take to figure it out. The heart mediates between the brain and the hand. Wasn’t that from Metropolis? Maybe I need to use my head and my hands for this one to get my heart to align. I need to not only believe in it, but I need to act it too, and my heart will surely see the light.

Wow.

Oh. Time for the meditation. Its all dark. Deep breath. Exhale. When I breathe in, I breathe in peace. When I breathe out, I breathe out love. Breathe in peace, breathe out love. Peace. Love.

…

why is it others always seem to get into a zone of meditation and I can’t really hold it like the others can does that mean there's something wrong with me I don’t know if there is or not but I cant seem to ever get in the one like some of the people around me like look at Paul over there he’s always in the meditation zone why cant I be like that ill never know maybe I’m not good enough to be in such a meditative zone or maybe he has more practice than me or maybe he's just a better more spiritual person than me I don’t know but I do knot that I can never seem to get to into the meditative zone that I hear others talk about so much I wonder why that is I don’t know I must not be good enough to do the meditation like others maybe I missed some sort of important meditation lesson they had at church no one else looking around if someone else was what would they be thinking of be seeing me not meditating and not finding the inner connectedness that other people have I must not be good enough to do this.

Wait.

That was the ego.

I heard my ego. While I was trying to meditate. It was there. And it said I wasn’t good enough. It really is there.

Good god all mighty. How can I tackle that when I’m supposed to be sitting in silence that’s all I hear. Have I always been like that? Why can’t I be like those others who get it? There’s that comparison again to someone else.

Why do I have to compare myself to so everyone else that I meet I mean the only reason why I feel so fat all the time is because I am and because everyone else is skinny and I know when other people see me they see some big fat slob who is too big to worry about even taking showers daily so he must stink like a big stinky smell fat guy with bad teeth who deserves everything he gets because he obviously doesn’t care enough about himself and that’s what they are thinking I mean why would anyone want to sit down next to me because my fat would be invading their personal space and who would want to hug me if they cant get their arms around my stomach and why am I like this and why would they even look at me differently when they are totally right.

Blink.

I did it again. It’s a lot easier to hear that ego when you are aware its present. But how can I get away from it? I need to be aware of it and not beat myself up over it.

Oh. Is it already time for the last hymn?

…

“Wow.”
“Hmm?”
“Paul! That was incredible.”
“What was?”
“That sermon!”
“Really? I didn’t feel like it spoke to me that much.”
How could he not see that sermon for the glory that it was I mean what's wrong with me for seeing so much into that sermon and he must not have this problem that I do or else he would have listened to it and been deeply moved by it like I was so that means there must be something wrong with me because if he didn’t get moved by it I bet no one did and then I’m messed up and obviously at a flaw because- STOP. STOP IT. Not only should I not judge myself. So what is Paul didn’t get much from it? That says nothing about me or him. There’s no judgment implied in that simple statement. It’s a statement of truth. Truth has no judgment.
“I’m going up there to thank him.”
He shrugged his shoulders. “See you in the social hall.”

It seems like there are a few people less than normal heading out the front doors to greet the minister, and more heading out the back towards the social hall. It matters not to me - he’s on to something.

“Thank you so much. You really struck a chord with me.”
He smiled at me. “Thank you. I have to admit that the ego is never quiet. While I was up there giving the sermon, I could hear the voice inside telling me that the sermon was a bust and that I didn’t know what I was talking about. I caught myself, and that’s when I reached for the glass of water. Whenever I notice that my ego begins to take control, I silence it with a glass of water.”
“Why water?”
“Water flows to the deepest crevice. Water is pure, and we ought to be more like water. Without it there would be no life. It’s something that keeps me connected to the holy.”

There’s that holy water again. But I think this holy water is made holy with the message and the intent, rather than supernatural powers.