Excerpt: Stricken

As they turned in to the cemetery she looked at all the little gray gravestones amongst the knolls of green grass, the scene seemed to contradict itself in every way imaginable. The hearse stopped in front of a green tent and they pulled into place behind it. Once the family car stopped Allie and the rest got out and went to the seats under the tent. The coffins were carried to their respective places in front of the crowd of people. The preacher emerged out of one of the cars and walked forward to say a few words over the bodies and offer a prayer for the family. As Allie sat staring at the cold white face that used to be her husband she was taken back to the beginning, back when they first realized there might be something there that meant much more than their mere friendship.
She loved the bus rides home after school each day. Every day Justin would do something new and intriguing, at least it was new and intriguing to her. The first time she realized he was doing such things with the intention of getting her attention she was elated, the emotions she experienced that day were the complete opposite of what she was feeling at the funeral. When the bus stopped at her house after the long trip, during which they shared the head phones of her CD player, he put his feet up on the seat across the aisle to block her path. Looking at him she couldn't help but laugh. The look on his face was priceless. He was pouting and giving her the puppy dog eyes while trying not to laugh. She pushed her knee against his leg trying to nudge him out of the way. “What?” he asked her putting on his best act of innocence to date. “This is my stop. I need to get off the buss,” she replied with laughter in her voice lining her every word. “Why?” he countered obviously playing with her. She hesitated not really sure of a good reason to make him let her leave him for the day. Justin took advantage of that pause to press on, “Just come home with me.” Everything in Allie urged her to sit back down and go home with him as he requested. Knowing that her parents would freak out with worry and a search party would be organized an hour after her not showing up at home she shook her head. “I can't but you could come over later and hang out,” she offered. Moving his feet to let her pass he nodded, “Ok, I will.” As soon as Allie stepped off the bus she all but ran all the way up to her house. Replaying the song they had been listening to on the ride she waited for Christian to get home so she could confide him him and tell him everything that had happened that day. That was just the beginning of their relationship though. Christian was treated to many more stories of Allie's experiences with Justin on the bus. He had walked the three miles from his house to hers that night and they spent the night playing games and watching television. A couple of weeks later he dedicated one of their frequently listened to songs to her. They were listening to her favorite that day, Backstreet Boys. Managing to hear the entire CD before the bus stopped Justin told her to skip back a few tracks until she landed on their popular song “You are My Fire.” When the CD stopped on that song and Justin told her she should listen to it her heart felt as if it stopped and plummeted to her stomach. He was trying to convey a message without coming right out and saying it. Listening to the song she watched him as he played with his backpack. As soon as the song was over she took off the head phones. “Was that a message?” she asked him not sure how to word her suspicions. He didn't say anything but looked at her silently. “Come on Justin. Were you trying to tell me something with that song?” she prodded. With a slight nod he grinned nervously. Allie felt her nerves begin to blaze as she was sure her cheeks blushed a bright red. Justin leaned his head back on the seat casually and stared at the top of the bus. “You want to go out with me Allie?” he asked her. She nodded enthusiastically before remembering that he wasn't looking at her, “Yeah, of course. I would love to.”
As soon as the bus opened the doors Allie took off at a run to tell her brother everything that had just happened. She did not even say another word to Justin. As she ran up the driveway her mind returned to the day at hand. She saw the pail white face with the closed sunken eyes laying in the casket and she inadvertently sobbed aloud. Everyone around her within ear shot turned their attention to her at once. Christian put his arm comfortingly around her shoulders. Catherine place her hand on Allie's hand and someone behind her rubbed her back soothingly. An eerie music began to play, a music that Allie was sure would haunt her for a long time, from some unknown source as they held vigil over Justin and baby Casandra for a few minutes. Rustling and sniffles could be heard throughout the area. People moved uncomfortably in their stiff seats trying not to think of just how sad and distressing the situation was. While others wiped their eyes with tissues and sniffed back their sobs. Allie looked around wishing she could be one of those strong wives she had always admired who didn't cry at the funerals of loved ones. At that point she only imagined that their hearts were callous and cold, she wished with everything in her that she could build a wall of stone around her own heart so the pain wouldn't hurt quite so much, so she couldn't feel her heart shattered into innumerable pieces.
As she sat there wishing that she could simply replace her heart with a brick or build such a thick wall around it that nothing could ever hurt her again she watched the lifeless face in front of her that would never speak words of love to her again. She knew that this would be the last time that she would ever see him and she didn't know how she was ever going to get past that. If only he had not assumed that it was all his fault. If only he had let her take the blame instead. She was stronger, she had never been diagnosed with depression, she could have handled such a burden on her shoulders. They could have tried again, given one of the numerous children who don't have a home a chance to begin again with a new family. They could have had a family even without the ability to reproduce from their own DNA. Allie wondered if part of the problem was that he had no brothers to carry on the family name and without procreating the McKinnon would not have a lineage after his generation. Looking momentarily at Mr. McKinnon she felt a moment of unfounded hatred for the man. If he hadn't constantly badgered Justin about having a little boy then none of this would have ever transpired. Allie had been able to talk Justin out of feeling too bad that their child was going to be a girl but when he realized that they weren't going to have a child at all she wasn't able to talk him out of that depression as she was in a hospital bed not able to do much at the time. Realizing that she had started to glare at Mr. McKinnon Allie turned to face the front again.