Excerpt: Roses in December

In the bathroom Astrid leaned against the wall, needing the chill of its tile to keep her steady. Even after four months, even though she was only in the company of her husband, the bathroom still put her stomach in an uproar. Every time she went to bathe, went to dress, went to wash, her face paled and her hands held the tremor of a shake.

Cesar perched himself on the edge of the bath tub and crossed his arms over his chest. “Nothing is wrong juvali.”

“If nothing was wrong, you would not be acting this way.”

He shifted slightly, uncomfortable. “There is nothing wrong with me if there is nothing that you wish to tell me.”

She frowned slightly. “I never said that there was nothing for me to tell you. You are putting words in my mouth.”

Cesar stood up, his arms falling to his sides, his skin warm as honey in the weak light. He advanced on her in a few slow steps, something unexpected and devilish taking light in his eyes. No less self-depreciating, no less angry and sad, but more…sly. More determined to shock her into doing as he wanted.

Astrid flattened herself against the cold wall more solidly, her breathing rising in tempo as he got closer and closer, as his face became darker and darker. Her nails were starting to scrape against the tile lightly. “What, what are you doing?” She demanded, trying to press back even more.

He smiled wolfishly, his beautiful face no longer comforting or soothing, but instead sexual, and almost predatory. “I do not think it possible for me to put words into your mouth.”

He braced his arms on either side of her and leaned close, their breath mingling and their eyes locked into each other. His forehead pressed against her own and their lips almost met. “I-I ask you again what you’re doing.”

“Manipulating you.”

Her eyes fluttered shut momentarily and her chest was starting to close up. She could feel the panic licking at her fingertips while the gold that fitted the rims of his irises called her in. “Manipulating me?”

“Yes.” Without waiting for a moment longer, Cesar surged forward till their lips met and his body followed the momentum, pressing against her. His abdomen curved naturally over the smooth, minor rounding of her belly so that they fit together more perfectly and their chests were molded together. His body radiated heat against her and his hair fell forward to brush her cheeks in silky kisses.

His tongue was hot on her lips and then smooth on her teeth, entering within seconds and not giving her any time to guard herself. His hands were on her shoulders and then in her hair, cupping the back of her head. He was fervent and beautiful and caressing in his passion. He was no longer worrying about providing for his family. He was a husband. He was a man.

She pushed him away.

At first she could accept it, knowing that it was the mouth of her husband that was on her. Knowing that it was just Cesar and that she would be safe and in control.

But then Astrid closed her eyes, too embarrassed to keep them open anymore. She lost her sense of Cesar and gained only that of Jethro. Suddenly she was back in her aunt and uncle’s house. Sunlight was shining through the newly polished window as she was fucked.

As the tile and Jethro’s fingers dug into her in likewise manners. As she withdrew and pulled back and stopped fighting and relented in the face of unending helplessness. As she cried and twisted in the bunched up fabric of her skirt. As the foot of the bathtub dug into her side.

The nightmare took over and she began to scream, slapping his chest with her palms and scratching at him with her nails. Her body bucked against his, trying to throw him off her, and tears burned trails down her cheeks.

Unintentionally her head slammed against the wall and she was momentarily dazed, but when that symptom had abated somewhat she continued fighting all the more, realizing that her attacker had been given even more time to do as he wished to her.

It felt as if there were bands of steel around her arms then – she could no longer move them or defend herself with them. She felt the other person force them to kneel on the floor and she shuddered and moaned when she felt their body encase hers in a cage of flesh and muscle.

“Astrid! Astrid!” Cesar was calling into her ear, but she only heard it as a whisper, and it took a long time to bring her back to the present. When Jethro finally faded into the recesses of time and history, Astrid was clutched in Cesar’s arms and kneeling on the bathroom floor. Her body’s trembles increased ten fold as reality set in and her face was pale. She began to sob into Cesar’s shirt, accepting what she had just fought against.

His voice was low and soothing and more than apologetic in her ear. “I am so sorry juvali. I am so sorry…I’m sorry.” He was dotting small kisses on the top of her head between phrases spoken in his native tongue.

Her face stayed buried in his neck. “Why would you do something like that? Why would you?”

Cesar relaxed his body against the bathroom wall and drew her with him. “I am so sorry juvali. I just…I just didn’t want to answer your questions. I wanted to distract you. I completely forgot what you’ve gone through, I just reacted as if… as if you were any other man’s wife.”

Her sobs were dying out into the shaking of her arms and core against him, but she still didn’t respond.

With a sigh he spoke again, beginning to rock them back and forth, and she could tell that it cost him a great deal to speak. “What you asked me before juvali…I am ashamed that I am not providing for you. I should be able to do everything that you need. Give you everything that you need. But I cannot, and that is very shameful. Rom men always take care of those under their protection. In that respect, I have failed you the most.”

Astrid’s voice was muffled as she answered him, her fingers curling around his biceps. “You are taking care of me.”

Her answer was a bitter laugh. “I let you give me money. I let you support me.” His lips thinned and a deep, abiding guilt colored his eyes. “I let you be violated.”

“You are taking care of me. You are not pushing me to put everything behind me. You are letting me grieve. You’ve accepted Marie into your life. Most wonderful of all, you’ve accepted my baby into your life. Just by doing that, I can never repay you.”

“But you are paying for things. You are providing for the family, not I. What I am doing is something any man can do. But I am not doing my duty by you.”

Astrid pulled away from him slowly so that she could sit on her own on the bathroom floor, then leaned against the bathtub. The last time she’d felt so panicked in the bathroom, the tub had only hurt her, provided an extra layer to her cage, another block to keep her from escaping the torture she’d endured. Now it supported her, giving her something to rest up against.

“Is money really that important? Its just a thing.” She was looking up at him, her eyes dark and wide in her pale face, her knuckles blushed red from their struggle, her skirt wrinkled and hitched up around her thighs. She knew that what he’d just said was wrong, that his actions made him a singular being.

Cesar stayed as he was, his hair mussed and his face dark with emotion. The left shoulder of his shirt was ripped and the color of his warm skin was bleeding through. “Juvali, it is very important. It gets me what you need to live. It allows you to survive in this world. If I do not have money, I cannot help you in the most needed ways.”

“Cesar,” She began slowly. “Don’t you understand? What allows us to survive in this world is not money. We survive because of family.” Boldly Astrid went to sit next to him and put his hand in her own. It was an incredible, brave juxtaposition to her earlier actions. “You are my family now.”

“Not your aunt and uncle? They are not your family any more?” Cesar slowly began to run his thumb over the back of her hand, afraid of scaring her away again.

Astrid remembered her uncle’s face as he told her she was going to be sent away. Her aunt as she placed the bottle of laudanum in her hand, telling her to use it as needed. The way her cousin had not hesitated to meet her eyes or got out to meet Jethro after It had first happened. “They are not close to me anymore. Not like you. Not like Marie.”

His eyes were liquid as he looked down at her. “Trust?”

Her breath caught in her throat. “Trust.”

Astrid found herself calming down more and more, till her head was lolling forward and Cesar was forced to tip her head onto his shoulder to support it. As if her sleepiness was contagious, his eyes began to close and dreams called to them both, there on the small bathroom floor of their old steamer ship, on the way to a new home.

Astrid woke up, the muscles in her neck cramping and urging her from the depths of sleep. She blinked blearily and rubbed at her eyes with one hand. Cesar was a warm body next to her, still slumbering, and she raised her head from his shoulder. They were both still leaning against the bathroom wall, and she realized that it had been hours since they’d entered the room.

The light bulb had burned out sometime during their hours of sleep, and the room was dark and lit only by a few shafts of moonlight. Cesar’s legs were stretched out in front of them and his arm was curled around her side, keeping her slumped against his shoulder. Her legs were folded beneath her and her hands encircled the flesh of his forearm. He smelled good, she realized, like man, and worn bolts of cotton cloth, and the dusky light of a European sunset.

Her feet were aching from their position and from her white wedding heels, so she reached down to unbuckle the shoes. They slid off her feet with little trouble, but her movements woke Cesar, as his eyes were watching her when she looked back up at him.

“We fell asleep.” She said needlessly, not knowing what else would be appropriate. He simply nodded and unfolded into a standing position.

He helped her stand, then stroked her hair. His eyes were black and soft, like velvet. “May I kiss you wife?” He asked solemnly, feeling the need to recant, to change the previous physical exchange by replacing it with a better one.

Astrid hesitated, her hand coming to rest uncertainly on his upper arm. They both knew that her issues had not been resolved. That what she needed was time, was to purge the hatred from her soul. But they were not dealing with her hatred or her sadness at that moment. They were dealing solely with her ability to trust and love without fear.

“You may.”

Cesar slowly lowered his head to hers and Astrid’s breath caught in her chest and her heart began beating madly underneath her skin. When his lips had last touched hers, he had been imposing some sort of will upon her, trying to push their relationship in the direction he wished. Now he was letting her make the decisions.

At first it was just the gentle press of lips, of him meeting her. His lips were hot and soft against hers. Her eyes left open, Astrid held herself stiff, then gradually relaxed as he didn’t move and let her decided whether to take it further. In invitation she opened her lips slightly, allowing entrance.

She let herself absorb the taste of him, dark and rich and aged, like cognac. His tongue was soft as it ran the length of her lips and then darted in quickly before slipping back out. Their mouths fused as her tongue carefully advanced to meet his at the edge of her lips and she felt his arms on her back.

Astrid closed her eyes, first concentrating on focusing solely on the man kissing her, then melted into the moment. The darkness now only alluded to what she could have and not what she had lost as their tongues played gently, as her chin tilted up for better access, as he pulled her closer with each second.

The kiss ended reluctantly, little by little, till it came full circle and was a wet press of lips only. He pressed his cheek against hers and held them there for a long moment, eyes closed, savoring the stillness, the taste of her in his mouth. Astrid held still, the palms of her hands warming against his upper arms.

“That was nice.” She said, the edges of her lips catching the corner of his accidentally as she spoke.

His mouth curved into a small smile. “You did well juvali.”

Her yawn forced their cheeks apart, so they pulled away completely. “I’m so tired.” Astrid volunteered, leading the way into the main room of their cabin. Her feet made the softest sounds as she went to check on Marie, who was still curled into a little ball, asleep. Cesar was taking off his vest when she turned back around, getting ready for bed.

Feeling more comfortable in the dark, Astrid took her belt off and folded it into he suitcase, then began to undo her dress, one pearly button at a time. She looked up to see that Cesar had stopped to watch her movements, and embarrassed, she stopped and turned around. The rustle of his clothing started up again, so she slipped her dress off, letting it pool briefly at her feet.

One long, silky stocking after another followed the dress into her suitcase, as did a garter belt and bra, before she turned around to see that he had changed into his night attire. ‘Trust. Trust. Trust.’ She told herself firmly, not allowing herself to turn into a shrinking violet, at least right away.

Cesar looked surprised that she had stayed in her slip and hadn’t changed into her nightgown, but he didn’t say a word as he drew back the blankets of the bed, waiting for her to climb in.

“You first.” She told him, another change from what was the usual.

He slid in as far as he could, then cast an expectant look at her, waiting for her to enter the bed as well. Astrid approached it slowly, slipping under the cold blankets without taking her eyes from his. She turned so that their bodies were flush, then waited till his hands began to make their way around her waist.

“Trust.” She whispered, not sure if she was speaking to herself or to Cesar. Her voice wavered as she gently placed one hand over his own.

“Trust.” He whispered back, pulling her more tightly against him. And in that way, on that night, they fell asleep.
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GLOSSARY
"Rom" = Short for "Romany", it simply means the race of peoples who have come to known as gypsies.
"juvali" = The Rom word for "wife". I'm sure there are many dialects, and this was only the one version that I found.