Excerpt: The Seven Jobs of Felix Fardemon Fritz

The first guests appeared at around a quarter to five. Felix was so nervous that he ran and hid when he saw them coming up the path to the house. Mumbo was off somewhere doing something, and Rhoda was still in the upstairs room working on the last minute details of her dress / gown. Felix was all alone.
He told himself that it would be proper for him to come out only when all the guests had arrived, like Juniper Salad had done. On the other hand, he’d be expected to give that speech if he did that, and he’d just as soon have avoided that eventuality if at all possible.
So he forced himself to come out from behind the potted fern and approach the couple that the footman had just admitted to the house. It was time for him to be an extrovert and introduce himself, exuding confidence.
“So glad you could make it here tonight!” he said, holding out his hand in friendly greeting to the couple. The couple responded in kind (actually shaking hands, not just holding them out), and introduced themselves as the Van Der Bulls from number 656 on The Hill. Felix asked them to describe their house, and found out that it was one he had often noticed on his bike drives up to the mansion.
Not really knowing how things were done at these big society balls, he invited the Van Der Bulls into the parlor and they all sat down and started chatting. Inwardly the Van Der Bulls were rather surprised to find that the mysterious Mr. Fritz was so social and familiar with others whom he had just met. Inwardly Felix was pretty sure he was being too social and familiar with these people that he had never met before, but it really was the only way he knew how to be a host. So he pushed on with the small talk.
Other guests began to arrive, too many for Felix to get around to all of them as they came in, but it was okay because Felix found that they were coming up and speaking to him and introducing themselves and their families. Then the young ladies of New Portlidge high society began to flutter after him at a distance as he moved from room to room. He noticed, and experimented by passing through several rooms in quick succession. Sure enough, the gaggle was always there somewhere, definitely following him. It would only be a matter of time before they came closer and actually began to vie for his attention. Felix hoped fervently that Rhoda would be finished with her dress before too much longer.
Ah, there she was up ahead, standing at a window with her back to him. It was true, the dress seemed to fit her perfectly now. Felix jogged up to the window beside her.
“Hello, beautiful!” he greeted her cheerfully. She turned around.
It wasn’t Rhoda at all. It was Juniper Salad.
“Grk--!” Felix choked. Why hadn’t he noticed the blond hair? Or the height? Why had he just focused in on the dress as a big signpost that said “Here Stands Rhoda Sampson, greet her with an affectionate pet name”?
“Oh! Oh Mr. Fritz you startled me!” Juniper put a hand to her heart and smiled sweetly. No, it was more of a grin actually.
“Uh, you startled me too. I’m sorry, I thought you were somebody else. Ha ha! Goodbye. No wait, what are you even doing here? Were you invited?”
“Felix,” she nudged into him coyly, conspiratorially, “I wouldn’t have missed your party for the world.”
“Uhhh…” Now he was confused, on top of being embarrassed. “Okay… I didn’t think you or your grandmother would have appreciated an invitation.”
“Oh Grandmama didn’t come, she hates your guts.”
“Ah.”
“She doesn’t know I’m here.” Juniper said seriously, looking around. “But I just couldn’t stay away.”
“Couldn’t… Juniper, what are you talking about?”
“You know!” she giggled.
Felix regarded her in bafflement. He leaned forward slightly, discreetly, to see if there was alcohol on her breath.
Juniper closed the gap.
“Mmrf!” Felix recoiled in surprise, but Juniper put her hands around his head and continued kissing him. “Mrrrrf!!!!”
He finally succeeded in pushing her away, and wiped his mouth furiously on the sleeve of his tuxedo.
But the cameras were flashing. A personage as important as Felix Fardemon Fritz or Waldorf or whatever his name was didn’t throw a party without a few journalists prowling around. They didn’t feel the need to be invited either, they were no respecters of propriety. Felix stared out at the antique flash pans, momentarily blinded.
“No wait, it’s not what it looks like!” he said, raising an arm in appeal. “She’s my cousin!”
“Kissing cousins!” shouted one of the photographers, thinking up headlines.
“She kissed me! I’ve already got a girlfriend!”
“Fritz denies romantic involvement with Salad ingénue!”
“You’ve got another girl?” Juniper gasped.
“Playboy Heir a Heartbreaker!”
Felix had to get out of there, away from the cameras, away from Juniper! He pushed his way out of the circle and did his best to get lost in the crowd. He hoped desperately that Rhoda hadn’t seen any of that.
He bent his steps quickly in the direction of the makeshift sewing room, hoping that he wouldn’t be followed.
“Rhoda?” he knocked on the door.
“Yeah, I’m pretty much done, I’ll be out in a minute.”
“Can I come it?”
“Uh no, just wait a second.”
Felix crossed his arms and waited, scanning the hallway behind him in case someone might be looking for him. He was jumpy, edgy, skittish, and all those other words that mean basically the same thing. Finally Rhoda’s voice came through the door.
“Okay, you can come in.”
Felix opened the door and entered the sewing room. Rhoda was standing there wearing the newly altered dress, which now looked like it had been designed with her in mind. She also had a lovely peach colored headdress on, African style, in place of the usual white bandages.
“What do you think?” she asked, swishing the dress a little. “I made the headdress using the extra fabric I had to cut off from the bottom.”
“Rhoda!” Felix was just so relieved to see her that he couldn’t think of anything better to say. Then he registered what she had said and did think that he should reply. “You look great, really great.”
He sat down on a vegetable crate (they were in a storage room), and held his head in his hands, looking up at her. He was clearly upset.
“What’s wrong?” Rhoda looked at him with concern.
He sighed and shuddered. “Juniper Salad just kissed me.”
“What?” Rhoda sat down next to him.
“I thought she was you at first when I saw her, because she’s wearing the same color, so I went up and greeted her, and when she turned around and saw me she started acting all weird and coy, and pretending like we were an item or something, and then she lunged in and kissed me!”
“Oh.”
“I pushed her away of course, but then all these lights started flashing all around us, and these paparazzi people with antique cameras were in our faces making up headlines about me being a playboy and a heartbreaker and a kissing cousin.”
“Oh!”
“So I had to come and find you. I don’t know what to do, I don’t think I can go out there and face them again!”
Rhoda gave a “Yeesh…” of commiseration and kicked her feet together on the floor in front of her. Felix massaged his forehead.
“Isn’t this your house now?” Rhoda asked after a while.
“yes, and legally too.”
“Well, can’t you just order Juniper Salad to leave? And the paparazzi people too?”
“Do you think it would be possible to do that without making a scene?”
“I don’t know, do you think it likely to cause a scene?”
“I do. Juniper is apparently not in her right mind, and paparazzi people are not especially well known for their reasonableness.”
“Alright, well you can’t stay in hiding all night, this party is supposed to be for the purpose of introducing you to the other rich muck-a-mucks.”
Felix groaned, he knew she was right.
“That being said, there may be one way to deal with the situation that could at least put any rumors to rest before they see print in the morning.”
“What would that be?”

So Felix took Rhoda to the top of the stairs and called for everyone’s attention. He introduced himself formally to everyone in attendance, and also introduced Rhoda Sampson as his beloved girlfriend. The paparazzi were all over that news, and Rhoda grinned and posed for their pictures. Watching from the ground floor, Juniper took an immediate dislike to Rhoda, because as if it wasn’t bad enough that she apparently had the full attention of Felix Fardemon Fritz, she had also come to this party in the same dress that Juniper was wearing! The headdress was another thing, what a fashion statement it was. Juniper knew full well that Society Gossip would be buzzing with talk about the little fashionista, and it made her blood boil just thinking about it.
This was not over.
The ball went on until around eleven o’clock, and Mumbo, Rhoda and Felix left together at around midnight. Bromley, who also seemed to double as the chauffeur, gave the three of them rides to their homes.
“Thanks Bromley, thanks for everything.” Felix said tiredly as he got out of the car and stepped onto the cracked pavement of the driveway outside the apartment that he and Mumbo shared.
“Of course, sir.”
“Keep the home fires burning until next time, eh?”
“Yes, sir.”
Mumbo got out and yawned hugely.
“Goodnight Bromley.” Felix said, and started toward the door. Bromley pulled out of the driveway and drove away, reflecting on the extreme strangeness of Felix’s peculiar situation.
And so the little gray envelope that had come in with the other mail at the mansion that day remained forgotten and undisturbed on the hall table, until it was picked up by staff and placed in Mr. Fritz’s room to await his return in two weeks’ time.

Of course the next day’s issue of Society Who’s-Who had a big write up on the party, but fortunately the main picture on the cover was one of Felix and Rhoda standing on the stairs, with only a small box in the bottom right corner showing Felix being kissed by the likes of Juniper Salad. Inside there was a two page spread devoted to discussion of Miss Sampson’s stunning head accessory. She’d definitely made a good impression, whether Felix had or not.
Mumbo didn’t make it into the thing at all, as he’d spent most of the evening wandering around the dining area with a jar of peanut butter for dipping things in. When he hadn’t been doing that he had been embarrassing himself on the dance floor while most of the other people were attempting to dance the Charleston.
Juniper Salad, seeing Mumbo and not recognizing him at all from any of the previous parties, had figured correctly that he was part of Felix’s entourage. She chatted him up and was delighted to find out that he was actually Felix’s roommate. She’d proceeded to make pleasant conversation with him on the subject of Felix’s weekly routine, in the hopes that she would be able to continue her ruthless pursuit of him throughout the weeks intervening between his times at the mansion. She took fastidious notes during that conversation.