Excerpt: Breathe

Starring out the drizzled stained window she sat lifeless and still. She was shrouded by her worries and scars all wrapped up in a hand knit tattered deep green shawl her mother had passed on to her both literally and emotionally. On the end table next to her sat a mini coffee warming plate, a gift from her overly perky and optimistic niece, on it sat a cup of liquid cooking its way to a condensed liquid version of the coffee bean. The cat whimpering to be fed was nearly the only sound audible besides the hum of the vacant refrigerator sat in the corner preening herself as if the hunger in her stomach could be satiated by a distracting activity. Mail accumulated in the mail box accumulating for nearly a week, yet no one seemed to notice, no one seemed to care. It seemed to be a metaphor for her life, unattended and unnoticed. Not even the mail man picked up on the fact that inside her motionless body, Constance was screaming for help.
Born in upstate New York, Constance spent all of her time by the lake. She was addicted to water and loved the sound, smell and every possible activity that had anything to do with water. She was one of five children and she was prideful to be right smack in the middle of all of her siblings. She thought of herself as unique and the center of the cookie, the frosting, the best part! She would tease her brother and sisters about this even though inside she was pretty sure she didn’t matter nearly as much as they did, she seemed to be the most ignored and the most forgotten. So the lake became her refuge. It was powerful, majestic and cooling on her skin on those rare hot days. Her older brother Tommy made a swing for her from a tall tree hanging over Lake Ontario so she could swing hard and wide and then jump into the water. It felt a little like free falling or she imagined falling out of an airplane. Constance was petrified of heights, but she loved that swing, mostly because Tommy made it for her. While she always was taught to share her limited possessions, Constance felt a twinge of envy when anyone else enjoyed that swing, especially after Tommy was killed. She didn’t want anyone else to have anything to do with the gift intended for her. She felt that that was her connection to Tommy and she was afraid that the wear would disconnect her from her brother.
Sara, Tommy, Constance, Matthew and Nathan all grew up in the same lower middle class family, each had very different experiences. The filters in which they viewed their family seemed to be as unique as the fingerprint which rests on their thumb, none seemed to have the ability to see another’s path which unfortunately separated them later in life.
Sara was born first; her name might as well have been Sarah Bernhardt for this is who she was. Sara spent most of her time looking in her mother’s dressing table mirror, using a hairbrush as a microphone in order to belt out the latest song she had memorized from the radio. She was constantly looking at herself in the mirror. Trying different combinations of the clothing available to her from her mother, grandmother and her sister, she’d create costume and then dream that she had a stage in which to perform her latest wonder and dazzle her adoring crowd. Sara knew that one day she would find her name on the marquee and once that happened she would never look back. She saw her childhood as training and once she completed her school work and after her chores were completed she dove right into what was important singing, walking correctly, and learning how to please the crowd. Sara made her siblings be her crowd and her heart broke if their enthusiasm waned in the least. Her pout would give them a clue that they better pour on the praise or live with her wounded ego. Her need for the footlights became like an addiction and she craved to perform regardless of venue. Sara would beg to be allowed to try out for the school musical, but her mother wouldn’t allow it. Sara was needed at home. Finally Sara lied to her mother and told her that she needed to stay at school because she was having difficulties with her studies. Her mother of course relented. Education was the foundation of success. So Sara tried out for the play, beating Katie Benson for the lead role. Katie ALWAYS got the lead, so Sara was particularly prideful about defeating her enemy. Sara decided she’d tell her parents what she was up to right before opening night and she knew they couldn’t possibly be angry with them for lying, she would dazzle them of course and all would be fine! That didn’t happen of course, but that is another part of this tale we will return to later.
Tommy was born Thomas Addison Barkley, Jr. His father Thomas Sr. was more than delighted to have a son. It was important to him to carry on the Barkley name and now he had the ability to do it. Tommy was intelligent in books, and smart in the world. His charismatic smile finely plastered on the most handsome chiseled face could not have been more attractive if an artist had created him in his imagination. Tommy was the boy ever mother wanted her daughter to marry and part of him knew that. His ego was not inflated though, his humility was apparent and his heart quite large. He was a boy scout without joining the league and everyone who met him knew he was destined for great things. Tommy’s passions did not include anything typical. His father insisted he play football, which he did only to please his father. Tommy was good at it too, he won all American in high school and eventually was offered football scholarships at a University most people dream about getting into. Tommy worked hard, played hard and laughed hard. His passion was words. He loved them and if you couldn’t find Tommy, you could be sure his nose was in a book. The local librarian knew him by name, and knew that when Tommy left with a dozen or more books, he’d be back in two or three days to exchange them for new ones. Tommy had read every single book in the Carterville Public library by the time he was thirteen. His favorite section was the philosophy section. He read those books at least fifteen times each. Tommy’s thirst for knowledge and learning never ceased until the flame of his life was extinguished all too soon.