Revenge of the Tubby Custard
an excerpt

Revenge of the Tubby Custard
NaNoWriMo 2007
by Ramon Chiratheep
http://www.summer-kiss.net

Our story begins on a warm (well, as warm as it gets in London, anyway) summer's day. At some obscure Post Office in Central London, a queue was slowly building up. An old man stepped up to the counter, pushing a wheelbarrow full of parcels all addressed to one person, at some distant corner of the world.
“Good evening,” the woman behind the counter cheesily grinned.
Oh, great. It was one of those happy happy happy people.
“Thank you for visiting the Post Office today. What may I help you with?”
“You can help me by sending these parcels.” He pointed at the wheelbarrow beside him. “What is the destination of these parcels?” She was still grinning.
“Timbuktu,” he muttered.
Not noticing his sarcasm, she carried on talking. “And what type of items are inside them? Are they something important? If they are, would you like to pay for special delivery to ensure they get there? Or make sure it's signed for? What about Next Day Delivery?” The Post Office woman was intent on making him pay the highest postage possible, but he wasn't having it.
“They are 'special' gifts, OK? And I would not like to pay for Special Delivery or make sure it's signed for or Next Day Delivery.”
“Are you sure?”
He glared at her. Finally, she got the message. All 12 parcels were stamped and sealed, and sent off to their final unknown destination. Dun dun dun.
“I think I'll get going now... Thanks for your help...”
The Post Office woman suddenly had a brainwave. No, not literally. “ Sir, hang on a moment... Did you know that the Post Office also offers broadband, mobile and banking services, as well as a bureau de change...?”
The man groaned and muttered a swearword under his breath.

At 5pm, the postal van arrived, picking up all the post. Among them were the 12 parcels that the old man had dropped off earlier.
“Now, be careful with these, OK?”
Sadly, something went wrong on the way from the Post Office to the airport. Something went very, very wrong. Actually, very, very, very, VERY wrong. The driver of the postal van had Kiss 100 up at full volume, and was yelling, “Under my umbrella, ella, ella, eh, eh...” so loudly that he didn't notice the pink goo that was on the road.
“Ew, what is that?” he thought to himself. He didn't have long to think, however, as the wheels of the van suddenly hit the pink goo and no longer had any control over his vehicle. “Brake, damn it, BRAKE!” he screeched, but to no avail. “Oh, Jebus, I can't turn! I am going to crash into the Thames!”
Hurriedly taking off his seatbelt, he opened the door and dived to the ground, only to be covered in the pink goo.
“This tastes like custard,” he thought to himself, but as his van crashed into the gate of Tower Bridge, scattering parcels into the Thames, he jumped up, yelling expletives.
Crash, plop and splash. There was a gaping whole in Tower Bridge where his van had been before. “I hope my insurance covers this...” he thought.
Inside the van, however, there was a different story going on. The toys inside the van had been affected by the power of Tubby Custard (that gooey substance that made the van crash in the first place) and had come to life, kicking and screaming.
“Bubblewrap's keeping us afloat!” A Scottish voice could be heard saying.
“But not for much longer,” Another Scottish voice stated morbidly.
“Oh, will you all SHUT UP and stop panicking?!” This time a rather hacked-off American voice spoke. “We have to get out of these parcels!” Struggling to get his way out of the bubblewrap, Sir Mac Taylor of the Crime Scene Investigation in New York the haggis sighed as he popped another bubble. “Haven't you toys learnt anything? Bubblewrap is not helping anything!”
Although he was just another toy, his tone of voice was very authoritative and everyone decided to do what he said. Everyone began to do whatever they could to get out of the bubblewrap, and slowly but surely, they freed themselves from the bubblewrap.
“What have we got to lose?” An octupus-type toy with a Norwegian accent, and all her tentacles flailing, was hard at work. “If we don't do this, we're all going to die anyway.”
Underneath the bubbles, there was a loud popping noise.
“Wait a minute, what's under there?” This time, a yellow toy with a deep London accent (innit, man) spoke.
“I don't know, but I think someone just farted.” The octopus toy was too preoccupied to think straight.
“...I know you!” one of the Scottish toys exclaimed. “You're that Pudsey bear!”
“Did you hear that...?” a blob shaped toy meekly asked.

Before any more conversation could continue, the popping noise suddenly grew louder and the toys found themselves being sucked into a sewage pipe. At least, I think it was a sewage pipe. It was disgusting, anyway.

Many miles away...
Round and round the sewage pipe goes... Where it stops, nobody knows...
Finally, the very smelly journey came to an end. The sewage pipe spat the toys out onto a pile of rather questionable solids.
“I... Think... I... Have... Caught... Something...” The blob toy coughed. “And I am meant to be the Flu Virus. I am meant to be infecting people, not the other way around.”
“What have you caught?” The flu?” The Bookworm/Prawn, floating next to the Flu Virus, grinned.
“Oh, ha ha ha, very funny.” The Flu Virus narrowed its eyes at the laughing Bookworm/Prawn.
“So, how many of us are still together?” Sir Mac of the Crime Scene Investigation in New York the haggis coughed, picking random bits of sewage out of his hair. He was not happy, not happy at all. Basically, he was not a happy bunny. Minus the bunny bit, because obviously he was not a bunny (haggises were better than bunnies).
There was no reply out loud, but everyone could hear a very clear thought that was counting all the toys present.
“OK, since no one else is going to do it, I might as well. Starting from left to right, one of you is Iona Macbath. My guess is that you're the haggis with the hat.”
“Aye, that be me.” replied Iona. “But who are YOU? And how do you know my name?”
“All in due course, Iona. Be patient,” the mystery thought answered. “Anyway, the white and fluffy haggis... You sir, are Sir Mac Taylor of the Crime Scene Investigation in New York. I salute you. If it wasn't for you, we would all be under the sea right now.”
Sir Mac Taylor of the Crime Scene Investigation in New York bowed.
The thought continued. “So you want to know who I am? I am Alanis the camel, but all this water has done something to my batteries and I am unable to speak. This is why you can only hear my thoughts.”
Everyone turned around to look at her. Alanis, unable to talk, simply smiled. She carried on with her train of thought. “Aha, we have bears in the big blue... erm... box! You, David are the Scottish bear... Do I sense Doctor Who in you?”
David nodded. “I was the original Timelord. That was, until David Tennant came along. I hate him.” David began to cry. Alanis patted him with her hoof. “There, there,” she seemed to say.
Suddenly, she gasped (inwardly, of course). “We have a celebrity in our midst! Fearneterry, you are the Pudsey Bear!”
Fearneterry sighed. “I wish people would stop referring to me as a celebrity. Just because I am named after Fearne Cotton and Terry Wogan...”
“Can I take your autograph?” Sir Mac Taylor of the Crime Scene Investigation in New York winked.
Fearneterry breathed in deeply before being overwhelmed by the scent of the sewage plant. “Ew, I wish I hadn't done that now.”
Alanis was still talking (yeah, yeah, yeah, thinking). When was she ever going to stop?!
“...Alexandra the orange/pink bear. Yes, I know you hate being called Alex. You came with Zoe The Bear, the purple bear, didn't you? At least you're not lonely, unlike the rest of us. Are you two all right on that (Imogen) heap? It looks like it's about to fall down.”
As if on cue, the pile of brown solids shifted, making Alexandra and Zoe The Bear slide down it. Ugh.
“Yay, more couples! Lily the meerkat, and Otter Von Bismark, the (this is so obvious) otter. Aw! I wish I had a camel friend with me!” Lily hugged Alanis. “You'll find someone soon, I promise,” she whispered.
“OK, on with the commentary. Cruella the 'Wicked' monkey is even here too! You must be so homesick, away from your West End stage and all that jazz.”
“Well, at least I am not getting covered in green face paint every night...”
“Yeah, that is actually a good point. I am actually shocked that there's a llama here. Alarm A Llama, you are the cutest thing I have ever seen! Sorry, didn't mean to offend you there, Tablet Brick Potato. You're the goat, I presume.”
Alarm A Llama and Tablet Brick Potato looked at Alanis strangely.
“Hmm, what is that octopus-type thing? I am having a bit of trouble reading your mind. Ooh, you're a cthulhu! I haven't seen another toy that could mind read as well as me in ages! The name's Invidia, too, if I am not mistaken. You're Norwegian, right? Pleased to meet you.”
Invidia the Cthluhu span around in circles aimlessly, happy to have found a fellow mind-reader.
Aww, you dogs are so cute. The lonesome one... You're Ashton! You've been travelling from Lancashire, haven't you? Were you named after the memorial, by any chance? And Chunky! I don't seem to be getting anything about you. Meh, I'll find out about you later.
MOOGLE! MOOGLE! MOOGLE! WOO HOO! Luci-Lu's a Moogle! We have another couple! PJ the raccoon and Duncan the Pegasus! I feel like dancing now.”
“Please don't,” said the squirrel.
“Oh, fine then. You must be Skippy, the red ninja squirrel in disguise. Gosh, you're tiny. Hey, you can ride on My Humps if you want.”
Skippy climbed onto Alanis's back gratefully. “Honestly, I thought I was going to get squashed,” he admitted.
“And let us not forget our final members of the group! Poor, poor Browneyes the rabbit. You look so forlorn. Shoggoth, I'm afraid I can't work out what your name is...”
“That's because I don't have one,” he replied.
“Aha, that would be why. Our final members are Spam the Bookworm/Prawn and Lurgy the Flu Virus. Very appropriately named, I must say. So, judging by my calculations, we should have twenty three of us here, including me...”
“Wouldn't it have been easier just to say that?” Skippy piped up.
“Watch what you're saying, or you're not getting a ride on My Humps. You will just have to walk.”
“Fine. If I get squashed, it'll be all your fault!”
“Children, children!” Lurgy The Flu Virus spluttered. “Arguing is not going to help matters. What are we supposed to do? We can't just stay in this dump forever.”
Spam the Bookworm/Prawn sniffed herself. “That doesn't smell good.”
“Too right, it doesn't.” Spam the Bookworm/Prawn kicked Lurgy the Flu Virus in the shin. Well, somewhere around that area, at least.
The kick started off some sort of chemical reaction in Lurgy's brain (well, he was a flu virus).
“We all want to go home... Right?”
Iona Macbath the haggis, Sir Mac Taylor of the Crime Scene Investigation in New York the other haggis, Alanis the camel, David the Scottish bear, Fearneterry the Pudsey bear, Alexandra the orange/pink bear, Zoe The Bear the purple bear, Lily the meerkat, Otter Von Bismark the otter, Cruella the 'Wicked' monkey, Alarm A Llama the llama, Tablet Brick Potato the goat, Invidia the Cthluhu, Ashton the Lancashire dog, Chunky the other dog, Luci-Lu the Moogle, PJ the raccoon, Duncan the Pegasus, Skippy the red ninja squirrel in disguise, Browneyes the rabbit, Shoggoth the, er... Shoggoth and Spam the Bookworm/Prawn yelled, “YES!”
“It is a good thing I kept some of this, then,” Lurgy the Flu Virus triumphantly waved a sachet of Tubby Custard triumphantly.
“What is that?” Iona Macbath the haggis, Sir Mac Taylor of the Crime Scene Investigation in New York the other haggis, Alanis the camel, David the Scottish bear, Fearneterry the Pudsey bear, Alexandra the orange/pink bear, Zoe The Bear the purple bear, Lily the meerkat, Otter Von Bismark the otter, Cruella the 'Wicked' monkey, Alarm A Llama the llama, Tablet Brick Potato the goat, Invidia the Cthluhu, Ashton the Lancashire dog, Chunky the other dog, Luci-Lu the Moogle, PJ the raccoon, Duncan the Pegasus, Skippy the red ninja squirrel in disguise, Browneyes the rabbit, Shoggoth the Shoggoth and Spam the Bookworm/Prawn wondered.
“It's Tubby Custard! It can guide us to one particular place on earth.” Lurgy the Flu Virus danced.
“But where should we go?” Skippy the red ninja squirrel in disguise asked. “We all want to go back home, but our homes are all in different places, and it can only take us to one place. We can't exactly go to one person's home and expect to be welcome there, can we?”
Everyone started arguing over who should go where with the Tubby Custard.
“I should go home because I'm sick. And it's my Tubby Custard!” Lurgy stated.
“And Lurgy's home is my home too!” said Spam.
“So you're saying we're worthless because we don't have Tubby Custard? That we deserve to die?”
“No – that's not what I'm saying – “
“SILENCE!” Sir Mac Taylor of the Crime Scene Investigation in New York shouted above the noise. “If we're going to hell, we might as well do it together.”
Browneyes the rabbit looked like he was about to cry. “But where should we go? I miss my mummy!”
Luci-Lu the Moogle furrowed her brow, deep in thought. Suddenly, a lightbulb shone above her head.
“Hey, where did you learn to do that?” A confused Otter Von Bismark asked her.
“No idea,” she muttered. “But what I do know is that I know where we could go, that is, if we know how to get there. Do you know what I'm saying?”
“WHAT?” Iona Macbath the haggis, Sir Mac Taylor of the Crime Scene Investigation in New York the other haggis, Alanis the camel, David the Scottish bear, Fearneterry the Pudsey bear, Alexandra the orange/pink bear, Zoe The Bear the purple bear, Lily the meerkat, Otter Von Bismark the otter, Cruella the 'Wicked' monkey, Alarm A Llama the llama, Tablet Brick Potato the goat, Invidia the Cthluhu, Ashton the Lancashire dog, Chunky the other dog, PJ the raccoon, Duncan the Pegasus, Skippy the red ninja squirrel in disguise, Browneyes the rabbit, Shoggoth the Shoggoth, Spam the Bookworm/Prawn and Lurgy the Flu Virus asked.
“I know where we could go if we know how to get there, but we might not know –”
Alexandra the orange/pink bear interrupted her. “– I think Luci-Lu's trying to say that she knows where we should go.”
“WHERE?!” Iona Macbath the haggis, Sir Mac Taylor of the Crime Scene Investigation in New York the other haggis, Alanis the camel, David the Scottish bear, Fearneterry the Pudsey bear, Zoe The Bear the purple bear, Lily the meerkat, Otter Von Bismark the otter, Cruella the 'Wicked' monkey, Alarm A Llama the llama, Tablet Brick Potato the goat, Invidia the Cthluhu, Ashton the Lancashire dog, Chunky the other dog, PJ the raccoon, Duncan the Pegasus, Skippy the red ninja squirrel in disguise, Browneyes the rabbit, Shoggoth the Shoggoth, Spam the Bookworm/Prawn and Lurgy the Flu Virus practically screamed in her face.
“Before the postal van crashed, all of our destinations were the same place, right? Why don't we all go there? I mean, if the van hadn't crashed, we'd all be there by now, so it counts as our new home...”
Again, Alexandra interrupted her. “She's saying we should all go to our final destination.”
Luci-Lu glomped Alexandra. “I talk too fast sometimes,” she admitted.
Iona Macbath the haggis, Sir Mac Taylor of the Crime Scene Investigation in New York the other haggis, Alanis the camel, David the Scottish bear, Fearneterry the Pudsey bear, Zoe The Bear the purple bear, Lily the meerkat, Otter Von Bismark the otter, Cruella the 'Wicked' monkey, Alarm A Llama the llama, Tablet Brick Potato the goat, Invidia the Cthluhu, Ashton the Lancashire dog, Chunky the other dog, PJ the raccoon, Duncan the Pegasus, Skippy the red ninja squirrel in disguise, Browneyes the rabbit, Shoggoth the Shoggoth, Spam the Bookworm/Prawn and Lurgy the Flu Virus nodded in agreement. “But where was our destination?”
Zoe The Bear the purple bear searched her pockets. “Do we even have it any more?”
Lurgy the Flu Virus searched his pockets too. “If we had our final destination with us, our future owner could get rid of my cold...”
“And she or he be able to make me talk again...” Alanis thought out loud.
“She or he may be able to make me happy too,” Browneyes looked as if he was about to cry.
“So, basically, we all need her/him. It was a great idea, Luci-Lu, but it's useless without the address,” Duncan the Pegasus looked defeated.
“What, you mean this?” Luci-Lu pulled out a scrap of seriously crumpled paper from behind her bat wings.

'Jasmine Henriksson,
31 Ox House
Ox Lane
Oxford
OXO CU83

Dear Jasmine,
I hope these toys find you in more or less perfect condition. Some of them need a little bit of fixing and TLC, but I know that you're the perfect person for the job. I wouldn't have sent them to you otherwise. I hope they can finally be loved...'

Iona Macbath the haggis, Sir Mac Taylor of the Crime Scene Investigation in New York the other haggis, Alanis the camel, David the Scottish bear, Fearneterry the Pudsey bear, Alexandra the orange/pink bear, Zoe The Bear the purple bear, Lily the meerkat, Otter Von Bismark the otter, Cruella the 'Wicked' monkey, Alarm A Llama the llama, Tablet Brick Potato the goat, Invidia the Cthluhu, Ashton the Lancashire dog, Chunky the other dog, PJ the raccoon, Duncan the Pegasus, Skippy the red ninja squirrel in disguise, Browneyes the rabbit, Shoggoth the Shoggoth, Spam the Bookworm/Prawn and Lurgy the Flu Virus screamed and ran around in circles in celebration.
“So, Tubby Custard ready?” Sir Mac Taylor of the Crime Scene Investigation in New York asked.
“Does dry Tubby Custard count?” Lurgy the Flu Virus looked scared now.
“No, you need water,” Otter Von Bismark the otter said.
“Well, we're in a sewage plant,” Lily added.
“NO. NO. NO. NEVER. Never ever in a million years!” Iona Macbath the haggis, Sir Mac Taylor of the Crime Scene Investigation in New York the other haggis, David the Scottish bear, Fearneterry the Pudsey bear, Alexandra the orange/pink bear, Zoe The Bear the purple bear, Otter Von Bismark the otter, Cruella the 'Wicked' monkey, Alarm A Llama the llama, Tablet Brick Potato the goat, Invidia the Cthluhu, Ashton the Lancashire dog, Chunky the other dog, Luci-Lu the Moogle, PJ the raccoon, Duncan the Pegasus, Skippy the red ninja squirrel in disguise, Browneyes the rabbit, Shoggoth the Shoggoth, Spam the Bookworm/Prawn and Lurgy the Flu Virus retorted.
“It's a good thing I'm a camel, then,” Alanis thought.
“But where are we going to put it?” Spam the Bookworm/Prawn asked.
“What about that big blue box that the bears were in earlier? I think it is still there.” Tablet Brick Potato the goat pointed with his horns.
“By the way, does anyone know what happens when this Tubby Custard is made? I know it shows us the way, but how?” Lurgy the Flu Virus pondered.
Iona Macbath the haggis, Sir Mac Taylor of the Crime Scene Investigation in New York the other haggis, Alanis the camel, David the Scottish bear, Fearneterry the Pudsey bear, Alexandra the orange/pink bear, Zoe The Bear the purple bear, Lily the meerkat, Otter Von Bismark the otter, Cruella the 'Wicked' monkey, Alarm A Llama the llama, Tablet Brick Potato the goat, Invidia the Cthluhu, Ashton the Lancashire dog, Chunky the other dog, Luci-Lu the Moogle, PJ the raccoon, Duncan the Pegasus, Skippy the red ninja squirrel in disguise, Browneyes the rabbit, Shoggoth the Shoggoth and Spam the Bookworm/Prawn suddenly realised that they had no idea.
“Meh, we're all going to die anyway,” Invidia laughed.
The sachet of Tubby Custard was poured into the big blue box. Alanis added her water, and then, the strangest thing happened.
Suddenly, the big blue box exploded, and in its place, this yellow trail stood before them. But that wasn't the weirdest thing. Flying above them, was Eleanor, the Amazing Flying Balloon Helicopter (Wo)Man.
“What the hell are you?” Iona Macbath the haggis, Sir Mac Taylor of the Crime Scene Investigation in New York the other haggis, Alanis the camel, David the Scottish bear, Fearneterry the Pudsey bear, Alexandra the orange/pink bear, Zoe The Bear the purple bear, Lily the meerkat, Otter Von Bismark the otter, Cruella the 'Wicked' monkey, Alarm A Llama the llama, Tablet Brick Potato the goat, Invidia the Cthluhu, Ashton the Lancashire dog, Chunky the other dog, Luci-Lu the Moogle, PJ the raccoon, Duncan the Pegasus, Skippy the red ninja squirrel in disguise, Browneyes the rabbit, Shoggoth the Shoggoth, Spam the Bookworm/Prawn and Lurgy the Flu Virus were in a state of shock.
“I am... The... Amazing... Flying... Balloon... Helicopter... Man! On helium!” This squeaky voice answered.
“That is grammatically incorrect.” Invidia the Cthluhu was not impressed with Eleanor, the Amazing Flying Balloon Helicopter (Wo)Man.
“I will show you the way to Jasmine Henriksson,” Eleanor, the Amazing Flying Balloon Helicopter (Wo)Man stated dramatically.
“I do not care about your grammar as much now.” Invi the Cthluhu shrugged.
Eleanor, the Amazing Flying Balloon Helicopter (Wo)Man motioned for everyone to follow the trail of yellow stuff.
“What is this? It smells like piss,” Iona Macbath the haggis, Sir Mac Taylor of the Crime Scene Investigation in New York the other haggis, Alanis the camel, David the Scottish bear, Fearneterry the Pudsey bear, Alexandra the orange/pink bear, Zoe The Bear the purple bear, Lily the meerkat, Otter Von Bismark the otter, Cruella the 'Wicked' monkey, Alarm A Llama the llama, Tablet Brick Potato the goat, Invidia the Cthluhu, Ashton the Lancashire dog, Chunky the other dog, Luci-Lu the Moogle, PJ the raccoon, Duncan the Pegasus, Skippy the red ninja squirrel in disguise, Browneyes the rabbit, Shoggoth the Shoggoth, Spam the Bookworm/Prawn and Lurgy the Flu Virus wrinkled their noses in disgust.
“That's because it IS piss. My piss, to be exact. It will lead you to the Witch of Ox. Follow the Yellow Piss Trail!” Eleanor, the Amazing Flying Balloon Helicopter (Wo)Man flew high above them. “Besides, I can't smell it, I can fly! Only you can smell it.”
“Follow the Yellow Piss Trail, follow the Yellow Piss Trail... Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the Yellow Piss Trail!” Cruella the 'Wicked' monkey sang. PJ the raccoon and Duncan the Pegasus hit her over the head with a random piece of sewage.
“Just because you were in 'Wicked' does not give you the excuse to turn everything into something Oz-related.”
“Let's get ready, ready, let's get ready, ready, let's get ready to rhumble...”
“I. Hate. You.”
Sir Mac of the Crime Scene Investigation in New York was getting angry again. “We have all stepped in this trail of yellow piss...”
“IT'S THE YELLOW PISS TRAIL!” barked Eleanor, the Amazing Flying Balloon Helicopter (Wo)Man.
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. Well, we've stepped in the Yellow Piss Trail for a reason, and that reason is to find this Jasmine Henriksson person. Cruella does have a point; this is turning into the Wizard of Oz.”
Iona Macbath the haggis, Alanis the camel, David the Scottish bear, Fearneterry the Pudsey bear, Alexandra the orange/pink bear, Zoe The Bear the purple bear, Lily the meerkat, Otter Von Bismark the otter, Cruella the 'Wicked' monkey, Alarm A Llama the llama, Tablet Brick Potato the goat, Invidia the Cthluhu, Ashton the Lancashire dog, Chunky the other dog, Luci-Lu the Moogle, PJ the raccoon, Duncan the Pegasus, Skippy the red ninja squirrel in disguise, Browneyes the rabbit, Shoggoth the Shoggoth, Spam the Bookworm/Prawn and Lurgy the Flu Virus ignored him.
“We're off to see the Witch, the Wonderful Witch of Oz...” sang Cruella the 'Wicked' monkey.
“Wait, that can't be right...” Alanis the camel thought.
“But it is right,” Cruella the 'Wicked' monkey retorted, and stuck her tongue out.
“Who created this Yellow Piss Trail, anyway?” Alanis thought innocently.
The Amazing Flying Balloon Helicopter (Wo)Man pointed towards a sign that seemed to have materialised out of thin air, and coughed.
'Rules for the Yellow Piss Trail
1.You do not doubt the power of the Yellow Piss Trail.
2.You do not ask about the creation of the Yellow Piss Trail.
3.You must follow the Yellow Piss Trail, even if it means you end up very smelly and covered in maggots...'
4.You must worship Eleanor, the Amazing Flying Balloon Helicopter (Wo)Man, even if it means you die in the process.
5.All Tubby Custard must be kept securely onto your person at all times.'
“MAGGOTS?!” Invidia the Cthluhu cried. “No! You have got to be kidding me.”
“They are just maggots.” Eleanor, the Amazing Flying Balloon Helicopter (Wo)Man scratched her armpit, pulling out a maggot from it. She ate it. “Mmm, tasty.”
As she was scratching her armpits and eating maggots from it, the sign for the Yellow Piss Trail rules suddenly dropped onto Iona Macbath the haggis's head, knocking out his stuffing.
“I'm fine, honest!” He said. “That hurt, but I didn't feel a thing!”
Sir Mac Taylor of the Crime Scene Investigation in New York the other haggis, Alanis the camel, David the Scottish bear, Fearneterry the Pudsey bear, Alexandra the orange/pink bear, Zoe The Bear the purple bear, Lily the meerkat, Otter Von Bismark the otter, Cruella the 'Wicked' monkey, Alarm A Llama the llama, Tablet Brick Potato the goat, Invidia the Cthluhu, Ashton the Lancashire dog, Chunky the other dog, Luci-Lu the Moogle, PJ the raccoon, Duncan the Pegasus, Skippy the red ninja squirrel in disguise, Browneyes the rabbit, Shoggoth the Shoggoth, Spam the Bookworm/Prawn and Lurgy the Flu Virus screamed.
“What?”
“L-l-look at your reflection in the piss...” Lily the meerkat said. “Boy, there's a sentence I never thought I would say.”
Iona Macbath the haggis looked at his reflection in the piss and recoiled with horror. “B-b-b-but it is flat!”
“No kidding,” PJ the raccoon and Duncan the Pegasus sniggered.
“TOYS! Concentrate!” Eleanor, the Amazing Flying Balloon Helicopter (Wo)Man screeched.
“Eleanor, the Amazing Flying Balloon Helicopter (Wo)Man, or whatever your name is, look out!” Iona Macbath the haggis, Sir Mac Taylor of the Crime Scene Investigation in New York the other haggis, Alanis the camel, David the Scottish bear, Fearneterry the Pudsey bear, Alexandra the orange/pink bear, Zoe The Bear the purple bear, Lily the meerkat, Otter Von Bismark the otter, Cruella the 'Wicked' monkey, Alarm A Llama the llama, Tablet Brick Potato the goat, Invidia the Cthluhu, Ashton the Lancashire dog, Chunky the other dog, Luci-Lu the Moogle, PJ the raccoon, Duncan the Pegasus, Skippy the red ninja squirrel in disguise, Browneyes the rabbit, Shoggoth the Shoggoth, Spam the Bookworm/Prawn and Lurgy the Flu Virus cried out in alarm.
“What - ?”
“Just bloody watch where you're going!” Iona Macbath the haggis, Sir Mac Taylor of the Crime Scene Investigation in New York the other haggis, Alanis the camel, David the Scottish bear, Fearneterry the Pudsey bear, Alexandra the orange/pink bear, Zoe The Bear the purple bear, Lily the meerkat, Otter Von Bismark the otter, Cruella the 'Wicked' monkey, Alarm A Llama the llama, Tablet Brick Potato the goat, Invidia the Cthluhu, Ashton the Lancashire dog, Chunky the other dog, Luci-Lu the Moogle, PJ the raccoon, Duncan the Pegasus, Skippy the red ninja squirrel in disguise, Browneyes the rabbit, Shoggoth the Shoggoth, Spam the Bookworm/Prawn and Lurgy the Flu Virus screamed.
Bang. Crash. Squelch.
Eleanor, the Eleanor, the Formerly Amazing No Longer Flying Deflated Balloon No Helicopter (Wo)Man had crashed into a lamp post, and had fallen down on top of Iona Macbath the haggis.
“My luck is just getting worse and worse,” He moaned. “Now, can you please get her off me?”
“Is she dead?” David the Scottish bear prodded Eleanor, the Formerly Amazing No Longer Flying Deflated Balloon No Helicopter (Wo)Man with a stick.
“Yes, it would seem to be so.” Sir Mac Taylor of the Crime Scene Investigation in New York sighed. “The victim seems to have suffered a concussion to her head, fatally damaging her brain stem and...”
“So, in simple terms, she has died.” Luci-Lu the Moogle glared at Sir Mac Taylor of the Crime Scene Investigation in New York.
“...Er, can you get her off of me, please?” Iona Macbath sighed wearily. “It's not that I don't love dead bodies, it's just...”
“She gives you the tingles in a silly place?” Alanis the camel grinned wickedly.
“NO!” Iona Macbath was really getting annoyed now. And an annoyed haggis is rather scary, to be honest.
Finally, the toys took the hint. Sir Mac Taylor of the Crime Scene Investigation in New York the other haggis, Alanis the camel, David the Scottish bear, Fearneterry the Pudsey bear, Alexandra the orange/pink bear, Zoe The Bear the purple bear, Lily the meerkat, Otter Von Bismark the otter, Cruella the 'Wicked' monkey, Alarm A Llama the llama, Tablet Brick Potato the goat, Invidia the Cthluhu, Ashton the Lancashire dog, Chunky the other dog, Luci-Lu the Moogle, PJ the raccoon, Duncan the Pegasus, Skippy the red ninja squirrel in disguise, Browneyes the rabbit, Shoggoth the Shoggoth, Spam the Bookworm/Prawn and Lurgy the Flu Virus lifted the body of Eleanor, the Formerly Amazing No Longer Flying Deflated Balloon No Helicopter (Wo)Man off of Iona Macbath the haggis and threw it into a bush.
“I feel a little strange...” He sighed. “Something's missing in my stuffing.”
“Your brains?” Fearneterry the Pudsey bear laughed.
“Actually, that is true...” Iona Macbath felt the spot where his brains usually were. It was hollow.
Alarm A Llama the llama and Tablet Brick Potato the goat were quite concerned. “What else are you missing?” they asked worriedly.
“I have no stuffing. I also have no heart. My brains are gone, or have been eaten. I have this overwhelming sense of fear now, and I really, really, just want to go home...”
“We need to get you to a doctor!” Ashton the Lancashire dog pricked his ears up, ready for action (no, not that kind of action).
“The nearest thing we have to a doctor is the Witch of Ox.”
“But Eleanor, the Formerly Amazing No Longer Flying Deflated Balloon No Helicopter (Wo)Man isn't here any more to guide us.” Skippy the red ninja squirrel in disguise looked around in dismay.
“But we have the Yellow Piss Trail!” Sir Mac Taylor of the Crime Scene Investigation in New York the other haggis, Alanis the camel, David the Scottish bear, Fearneterry the Pudsey bear, Alexandra the orange/pink bear, Zoe The Bear the purple bear, Lily the meerkat, Otter Von Bismark the otter, Cruella the 'Wicked' monkey, Alarm A Llama the llama, Tablet Brick Potato the goat, Invidia the Cthluhu, Ashton the Lancashire dog, Chunky the other dog, Luci-Lu the Moogle, PJ the raccoon, Duncan the Pegasus, Browneyes the rabbit, Shoggoth the Shoggoth, Spam the Bookworm/Prawn and Lurgy the Flu Virus pointed.
“We don't need Eleanor, the Formerly Amazing No Longer Flying Deflated Balloon No Helicopter (Wo)Man! We have this!” Otter Von Bismark the otter grinned.
Just as he said that, a pink splodge fell on top of his nose. “Is that what I think it is?”
“IT'S A TUBBY CUSTARD STORM! Run!” Lily the meerkat yelled urgently.
“Run towards that wooden thing!” Lurgy the Flu Virus coughed.
Iona Macbath the haggis, Sir Mac Taylor of the Crime Scene Investigation in New York the other haggis, Alanis the camel, David the Scottish bear, Fearneterry the Pudsey bear, Alexandra the orange/pink bear, Zoe The Bear the purple bear, Lily the meerkat, Otter Von Bismark the otter, Cruella the 'Wicked' monkey, Alarm A Llama the llama, Tablet Brick Potato the goat, Invidia the Cthluhu, Ashton the Lancashire dog, Chunky the other dog, Luci-Lu the Moogle, PJ the raccoon, Duncan the Pegasus, Skippy the red ninja squirrel in disguise, Browneyes the rabbit, Shoggoth the Shoggoth, Spam the Bookworm/Prawn and Lurgy the Flu Virus all ran like the wind, before the Tubby Custard storm got into full force, covering everything in a pink, sticky goo, freezing all those affected to the spot.
Luckily, Iona Macbath the haggis, Sir Mac Taylor of the Crime Scene Investigation in New York the other haggis, Alanis the camel, David the Scottish bear, Fearneterry the Pudsey bear, Alexandra the orange/pink bear, Zoe The Bear the purple bear, Lily the meerkat, Otter Von Bismark the otter, Cruella the 'Wicked' monkey, Alarm A Llama the llama, Tablet Brick Potato the goat, Invidia the Cthluhu, Ashton the Lancashire dog, Chunky the other dog, Luci-Lu the Moogle, PJ the raccoon, Duncan the Pegasus, Skippy the red ninja squirrel in disguise, Browneyes the rabbit, Shoggoth the Shoggoth, Spam the Bookworm/Prawn and Lurgy the Flu Virus were unaffected, as they were standing under this big wooden structure.
“What is this wooden thing?” Invidia the Cthluhu asked, before kicking it.
“It is... It is... It is... A TREBUCHET!” Browneyes the rabbit said triumphantly.
“What is that?” Spam the Bookworm/Prawn asked.
“It is an old war catapult.”
“What does it say on it?” Alanis the camel thought to herself. “We don't want to go setting it off now, do we?”
Everyone ignored her. Most of the toys climbed up on the catapult bit, whilst Chunky the dog read out the notice pinned onto the side of it.
'Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Fusce ac augue in orci ultrices volutpat. Quisque erat erat, ullamcorper id, pharetra molestie, varius vitae, risus. Vivamus id quam viverra metus sollicitudin blandit. Phasellus erat arcu, auctor sit amet, ornare id, viverra ac, lacus. Praesent a nisi. Donec ut eros. Ut tempor ligula vel elit. Aliquam erat volutpat. Phasellus ac quam. Integer tincidunt. Vivamus semper suscipit velit. Duis scelerisque viverra diam. Fusce sapien.
Aenean consectetuer. Vestibulum vitae magna. Suspendisse ullamcorper, sem vel eleifend eleifend, elit libero luctus risus, a accumsan lectus orci ac sem. Duis lectus. Vivamus ultricies, nisi sed pharetra mattis, nunc nunc consequat nibh, eu tincidunt nunc felis dictum dolor. Vestibulum ante ipsum primis in faucibus orci luctus et ultrices posuere cubilia Curae; Pellentesque quis diam. Donec sed turpis. Vestibulum eu mauris a nisi imperdiet iaculis. Suspendisse aliquam, diam egestas aliquam porta, nulla est dapibus magna, vel ornare lacus purus molestie ipsum. Nulla vitae nibh et velit sollicitudin vestibulum. Nunc vulputate. Nam et augue. Sed ultricies tellus at lectus. Nam gravida varius lorem. Suspendisse dui. Sed ornare, justo quis scelerisque scelerisque, mauris dolor tincidunt pede, ac viverra ante turpis vitae felis. Phasellus rutrum lacinia odio.
Morbi aliquam molestie nulla. Integer eu quam. Donec massa. Fusce nunc nulla, lacinia quis, bibendum quis, fermentum eget, ipsum. Sed auctor tellus a nisi. Sed in diam ut nibh vestibulum commodo. Fusce ante sem, porta in, porttitor nec, adipiscing quis, arcu. Proin ut justo eu leo fringilla mattis. Aliquam libero magna, porta non, cursus non, eleifend quis, tellus. Sed vel nisl eu elit auctor pretium. Nullam aliquam tempus ipsum. In convallis quam at dolor. Sed eu massa. Vestibulum sed tellus nec tellus dignissim blandit.
Pellentesque habitant morbi tristique senectus et netus et malesuada fames ac turpis egestas. Praesent vitae magna quis nunc porttitor euismod. Nunc ut nulla a nulla pharetra imperdiet. In ut sem. Sed posuere scelerisque quam. Nunc quam erat, fringilla ut, porta at, ultricies et, eros. Quisque lobortis. Nunc purus. Mauris feugiat luctus nibh. Nulla pellentesque velit id urna. Donec pulvinar. Cras quam tellus, vulputate quis, euismod eu, blandit sed, lectus. Duis sem. Etiam mi. Sed eu nunc sit amet quam cursus ultricies. Sed at mi at est aliquam fringilla. Curabitur mollis erat sed nisl. Vivamus interdum, diam a eleifend ullamcorper, velit purus consequat lorem, sed cursus arcu nunc quis sapien. Integer commodo elit vel orci. Donec sagittis.
Duis id eros a nisi faucibus vestibulum. Aenean dolor. Proin lobortis. Morbi lacinia, purus a rutrum volutpat, metus magna rhoncus diam, sed scelerisque leo eros a nisl. Curabitur turpis elit, pretium vel, suscipit nec, cursus ut, turpis. Donec arcu nunc, varius non, varius vel, molestie eget, dolor. Donec augue. Fusce in metus a purus malesuada pretium. Curabitur sagittis nisi in dui. Nulla sapien urna, dignissim in, sodales rhoncus, convallis et, nulla. In non elit at neque accumsan fringilla. Curabitur eleifend velit.
Sed massa nulla, viverra auctor, tristique eu, elementum in, mi. In molestie quam porta velit. Mauris orci erat, tempus in, vehicula id, vulputate ultricies, mi. Aliquam tincidunt malesuada tortor. Vivamus aliquet varius ante. Vivamus adipiscing erat porttitor justo. Quisque laoreet turpis. Nunc id neque. Vivamus posuere tincidunt nunc. Ut volutpat auctor augue. Donec mauris lacus, iaculis eu, molestie at, auctor a, libero. Etiam aliquam.
Etiam aliquet. Aliquam nisl. Aliquam sem lorem, nonummy nec, blandit sed, elementum nec, mi. Morbi leo sapien, vulputate nec, pulvinar ac, rutrum sollicitudin, nisl. Nullam nulla lorem, tincidunt blandit, sodales vitae, fringilla condimentum, est. Praesent ornare. Vestibulum a leo non nibh vestibulum porttitor. Aliquam nonummy, leo viverra tincidunt porttitor, nibh dolor lobortis mi, ultrices blandit urna dui sed ante. Aliquam sagittis posuere risus. Donec sollicitudin adipiscing orci. Curabitur at eros nec est elementum posuere. Nunc accumsan venenatis massa. Nunc ante arcu, aliquam eu, ultricies eu, malesuada ut, lorem.
Duis pellentesque interdum diam. Morbi tristique, lectus sit amet mattis molestie, pede massa laoreet risus, et imperdiet risus magna tincidunt pede. Ut sed libero et ipsum posuere tempus. Suspendisse a sem porta risus vestibulum rutrum. Integer mollis accumsan orci. Duis odio. Pellentesque elementum. Etiam euismod porta dolor. Nunc tellus sem, aliquet a, interdum quis, auctor ut, orci. Donec nibh justo, varius posuere, dignissim id, feugiat in, erat.
Suspendisse tincidunt interdum neque. Nunc blandit tempus nunc. Nulla vulputate nulla vitae nunc. Ut turpis. Donec leo odio, mollis ut, laoreet convallis, malesuada non, libero. Vestibulum mi urna, gravida nonummy, lobortis id, fringilla sed, nulla. Nunc sollicitudin felis et pede. In turpis turpis, elementum a, mollis vitae, posuere vitae, leo. Praesent ante elit, congue sed, commodo ac, tincidunt ac, justo. Nam consectetuer purus sed lacus. Vestibulum volutpat nulla at pede.
Sed malesuada arcu ac quam. Cras vel nisi quis tortor ullamcorper consequat. Vivamus erat tellus, malesuada ac, consequat sed, imperdiet et, nisi. Proin nisl purus, facilisis vel, hendrerit blandit, lobortis vel, odio. Etiam blandit, turpis eu consequat elementum, nibh purus fermentum erat, vel vehicula metus orci sit amet ante. Donec vitae pede. Morbi quam. Nam bibendum mi quis quam commodo scelerisque. Vestibulum pulvinar. Sed scelerisque. Integer sed erat sed turpis eleifend faucibus. Nulla varius adipiscing nisl. Sed leo turpis, facilisis sed, cursus quis, pharetra et, risus. In hac habitasse platea dictumst. Suspendisse quis sem nec mauris molestie sollicitudin. Phasellus bibendum. Ut nulla. Integer volutpat. In tincidunt metus vel tellus. Nunc laoreet turpis sit amet metus.
Integer consequat nibh a neque. Duis gravida dui id lacus. Nunc rutrum, magna eget pulvinar bibendum, velit risus hendrerit erat, id auctor tellus felis eu nisi. Fusce auctor arcu tristique ante. Aenean ante. Donec consectetuer eleifend velit. Vestibulum ante ipsum primis in faucibus orci luctus et ultrices posuere cubilia Curae; Praesent quis ipsum. Phasellus elementum. Vestibulum a urna. Nam pede lectus, vulputate eget, porttitor sit amet, egestas nec, risus. Nam in ligula quis nisi auctor mattis. Integer quis diam. Aenean massa. Integer eget turpis. Phasellus sagittis quam. Fusce id tortor quis justo pharetra pulvinar. Nulla sollicitudin eleifend ligula.
Pellentesque tincidunt. Suspendisse potenti. Pellentesque vitae nibh. Sed dictum purus ut dui consequat placerat. Sed eu massa. Nulla sed magna. Ut.'
“Er, what now?”
“No idea, but it sounds like Latin.”
"It probably IS Latin. Whatever it is, don't read it again. It sounds dangerous.” Alanis the camel looked worried.
Chunky the dog muttered underneath his breath, “You're not the boss of me...”
'Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Fusce ac augue in orci ultrices volutpat. Quisque erat erat, ullamcorper id, pharetra molestie, varius vitae, risus. Vivamus id quam viverra metus sollicitudin blandit. Phasellus erat arcu, auctor sit amet, ornare id, viverra ac, lacus. Praesent a nisi. Donec ut eros. Ut tempor ligula vel elit. Aliquam erat volutpat. Phasellus ac quam. Integer tincidunt. Vivamus semper suscipit velit. Duis scelerisque viverra diam. Fusce sapien.
Aenean consectetuer. Vestibulum vitae magna. Suspendisse ullamcorper, sem vel eleifend eleifend, elit libero luctus risus, a accumsan lectus orci ac sem. Duis lectus. Vivamus ultricies, nisi sed pharetra mattis, nunc nunc consequat nibh, eu tincidunt nunc felis dictum dolor. Vestibulum ante ipsum primis in faucibus orci luctus et ultrices posuere cubilia Curae; Pellentesque quis diam. Donec sed turpis. Vestibulum eu mauris a nisi imperdiet iaculis. Suspendisse aliquam, diam egestas aliquam porta, nulla est dapibus magna, vel ornare lacus purus molestie ipsum. Nulla vitae nibh et velit sollicitudin vestibulum. Nunc vulputate. Nam et augue. Sed ultricies tellus at lectus. Nam gravida varius lorem. Suspendisse dui. Sed ornare, justo quis scelerisque scelerisque, mauris dolor tincidunt pede, ac viverra ante turpis vitae felis. Phasellus rutrum lacinia odio.
Morbi aliquam molestie nulla. Integer eu quam. Donec massa. Fusce nunc nulla, lacinia quis, bibendum quis, fermentum eget, ipsum. Sed auctor tellus a nisi. Sed in diam ut nibh vestibulum commodo. Fusce ante sem, porta in, porttitor nec, adipiscing quis, arcu. Proin ut justo eu leo fringilla mattis. Aliquam libero magna, porta non, cursus non, eleifend quis, tellus. Sed vel nisl eu elit auctor pretium. Nullam aliquam tempus ipsum. In convallis quam at dolor. Sed eu massa. Vestibulum sed tellus nec tellus dignissim blandit.
Pellentesque habitant morbi tristique senectus et netus et malesuada fames ac turpis egestas. Praesent vitae magna quis nunc porttitor euismod. Nunc ut nulla a nulla pharetra imperdiet. In ut sem. Sed posuere scelerisque quam. Nunc quam erat, fringilla ut, porta at, ultricies et, eros. Quisque lobortis. Nunc purus. Mauris feugiat luctus nibh. Nulla pellentesque velit id urna. Donec pulvinar. Cras quam tellus, vulputate quis, euismod eu, blandit sed, lectus. Duis sem. Etiam mi. Sed eu nunc sit amet quam cursus ultricies. Sed at mi at est aliquam fringilla. Curabitur mollis erat sed nisl. Vivamus interdum, diam a eleifend ullamcorper, velit purus consequat lorem, sed cursus arcu nunc quis sapien. Integer commodo elit vel orci. Donec sagittis.
Duis id eros a nisi faucibus vestibulum. Aenean dolor. Proin lobortis. Morbi lacinia, purus a rutrum volutpat, metus magna rhoncus diam, sed scelerisque leo eros a nisl. Curabitur turpis elit, pretium vel, suscipit nec, cursus ut, turpis. Donec arcu nunc, varius non, varius vel, molestie eget, dolor. Donec augue. Fusce in metus a purus malesuada pretium. Curabitur sagittis nisi in dui. Nulla sapien urna, dignissim in, sodales rhoncus, convallis et, nulla. In non elit at neque accumsan fringilla. Curabitur eleifend velit.
Sed massa nulla, viverra auctor, tristique eu, elementum in, mi. In molestie quam porta velit. Mauris orci erat, tempus in, vehicula id, vulputate ultricies, mi. Aliquam tincidunt malesuada tortor. Vivamus aliquet varius ante. Vivamus adipiscing erat porttitor justo. Quisque laoreet turpis. Nunc id neque. Vivamus posuere tincidunt nunc. Ut volutpat auctor augue. Donec mauris lacus, iaculis eu, molestie at, auctor a, libero. Etiam aliquam.
Etiam aliquet. Aliquam nisl. Aliquam sem lorem, nonummy nec, blandit sed, elementum nec, mi. Morbi leo sapien, vulputate nec, pulvinar ac, rutrum sollicitudin, nisl. Nullam nulla lorem, tincidunt blandit, sodales vitae, fringilla condimentum, est. Praesent ornare. Vestibulum a leo non nibh vestibulum porttitor. Aliquam nonummy, leo viverra tincidunt porttitor, nibh dolor lobortis mi, ultrices blandit urna dui sed ante. Aliquam sagittis posuere risus. Donec sollicitudin adipiscing orci. Curabitur at eros nec est elementum posuere. Nunc accumsan venenatis massa. Nunc ante arcu, aliquam eu, ultricies eu, malesuada ut, lorem.
Duis pellentesque interdum diam. Morbi tristique, lectus sit amet mattis molestie, pede massa laoreet risus, et imperdiet risus magna tincidunt pede. Ut sed libero et ipsum posuere tempus. Suspendisse a sem porta risus vestibulum rutrum. Integer mollis accumsan orci. Duis odio. Pellentesque elementum. Etiam euismod porta dolor. Nunc tellus sem, aliquet a, interdum quis, auctor ut, orci. Donec nibh justo, varius posuere, dignissim id, feugiat in, erat.
Suspendisse tincidunt interdum neque. Nunc blandit tempus nunc. Nulla vulputate nulla vitae nunc. Ut turpis. Donec leo odio, mollis ut, laoreet convallis, malesuada non, libero. Vestibulum mi urna, gravida nonummy, lobortis id, fringilla sed, nulla. Nunc sollicitudin felis et pede. In turpis turpis, elementum a, mollis vitae, posuere vitae, leo. Praesent ante elit, congue sed, commodo ac, tincidunt ac, justo. Nam consectetuer purus sed lacus. Vestibulum volutpat nulla at pede.
Sed malesuada arcu ac quam. Cras vel nisi quis tortor ullamcorper consequat. Vivamus erat tellus, malesuada ac, consequat sed, imperdiet et, nisi. Proin nisl purus, facilisis vel, hendrerit blandit, lobortis vel, odio. Etiam blandit, turpis eu consequat elementum, nibh purus fermentum erat, vel vehicula metus orci sit amet ante. Donec vitae pede. Morbi quam. Nam bibendum mi quis quam commodo scelerisque. Vestibulum pulvinar. Sed scelerisque. Integer sed erat sed turpis eleifend faucibus. Nulla varius adipiscing nisl. Sed leo turpis, facilisis sed, cursus quis, pharetra et, risus. In hac habitasse platea dictumst. Suspendisse quis sem nec mauris molestie sollicitudin. Phasellus bibendum. Ut nulla. Integer volutpat. In tincidunt metus vel tellus. Nunc laoreet turpis sit amet metus.
Integer consequat nibh a neque. Duis gravida dui id lacus. Nunc rutrum, magna eget pulvinar bibendum, velit risus hendrerit erat, id auctor tellus felis eu nisi. Fusce auctor arcu tristique ante. Aenean ante. Donec consectetuer eleifend velit. Vestibulum ante ipsum primis in faucibus orci luctus et ultrices posuere cubilia Curae; Praesent quis ipsum. Phasellus elementum. Vestibulum a urna. Nam pede lectus, vulputate eget, porttitor sit amet, egestas nec, risus. Nam in ligula quis nisi auctor mattis. Integer quis diam. Aenean massa. Integer eget turpis. Phasellus sagittis quam. Fusce id tortor quis justo pharetra pulvinar. Nulla sollicitudin eleifend ligula.
Pellentesque tincidunt. Suspendisse potenti. Pellentesque vitae nibh. Sed dictum purus ut dui consequat placerat. Sed eu massa. Nulla sed magna. Ut.'
And, just like that, the whole world seemed to shiver and shake. Ashton the Lancashire dog, Chunky the other dog, Iona Macbath the haggis, PJ the raccoon, Duncan the Pegasus, Browneyes the rabbit, Shoggoth the Shoggoth, Spam the Bookworm/Prawn, Lurgy the Flu Virus, Alarm A Llama the llama, Tablet Brick Potato the goat, Alexandra the orange/pink bear and Zoe The Bear the purple bear, the toys that were on the catapult bit, were suddenly thrown up into the air and flung somewhere many miles away.
"See, I told him not to read it,”Alanis smiled smugly.
“Alanis, that sort of behaviour is not helping us at all,” Sir Mac Taylor of the Crime Scene Investigation in New York reprimanded her.
“Well, what else are we meant to do?” Lily the meerkat asked.
“We could always follow them...” Skippy the red ninja squirrel muttered, and then hid in Alanis's fur.
“Well, I'm not reading it,” Alanis said with disgust. “I don't know what might happen.”
“Why does it always have to be me?” Sir Mac Taylor of the Crime Scene Investigation in New York sighed. “OK, here we go...”
He proceeded to read from the notice.
'Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Fusce ac augue in orci ultrices volutpat. Quisque erat erat, ullamcorper id, pharetra molestie, varius vitae, risus. Vivamus id quam viverra metus sollicitudin blandit. Phasellus erat arcu, auctor sit amet, ornare id, viverra ac, lacus. Praesent a nisi. Donec ut eros. Ut tempor ligula vel elit. Aliquam erat volutpat. Phasellus ac quam. Integer tincidunt. Vivamus semper suscipit velit. Duis scelerisque viverra diam. Fusce sapien.
Aenean consectetuer. Vestibulum vitae magna. Suspendisse ullamcorper, sem vel eleifend eleifend, elit libero luctus risus, a accumsan lectus orci ac sem. Duis lectus. Vivamus ultricies, nisi sed pharetra mattis, nunc nunc consequat nibh, eu tincidunt nunc felis dictum dolor. Vestibulum ante ipsum primis in faucibus orci luctus et ultrices posuere cubilia Curae; Pellentesque quis diam. Donec sed turpis. Vestibulum eu mauris a nisi imperdiet iaculis. Suspendisse aliquam, diam egestas aliquam porta, nulla est dapibus magna, vel ornare lacus purus molestie ipsum. Nulla vitae nibh et velit sollicitudin vestibulum. Nunc vulputate. Nam et augue. Sed ultricies tellus at lectus. Nam gravida varius lorem. Suspendisse dui. Sed ornare, justo quis scelerisque scelerisque, mauris dolor tincidunt pede, ac viverra ante turpis vitae felis. Phasellus rutrum lacinia odio.
Morbi aliquam molestie nulla. Integer eu quam. Donec massa. Fusce nunc nulla, lacinia quis, bibendum quis, fermentum eget, ipsum. Sed auctor tellus a nisi. Sed in diam ut nibh vestibulum commodo. Fusce ante sem, porta in, porttitor nec, adipiscing quis, arcu. Proin ut justo eu leo fringilla mattis. Aliquam libero magna, porta non, cursus non, eleifend quis, tellus. Sed vel nisl eu elit auctor pretium. Nullam aliquam tempus ipsum. In convallis quam at dolor. Sed eu massa. Vestibulum sed tellus nec tellus dignissim blandit.
Pellentesque habitant morbi tristique senectus et netus et malesuada fames ac turpis egestas. Praesent vitae magna quis nunc porttitor euismod. Nunc ut nulla a nulla pharetra imperdiet. In ut sem. Sed posuere scelerisque quam. Nunc quam erat, fringilla ut, porta at, ultricies et, eros. Quisque lobortis. Nunc purus. Mauris feugiat luctus nibh. Nulla pellentesque velit id urna. Donec pulvinar. Cras quam tellus, vulputate quis, euismod eu, blandit sed, lectus. Duis sem. Etiam mi. Sed eu nunc sit amet quam cursus ultricies. Sed at mi at est aliquam fringilla. Curabitur mollis erat sed nisl. Vivamus interdum, diam a eleifend ullamcorper, velit purus consequat lorem, sed cursus arcu nunc quis sapien. Integer commodo elit vel orci. Donec sagittis.
Duis id eros a nisi faucibus vestibulum. Aenean dolor. Proin lobortis. Morbi lacinia, purus a rutrum volutpat, metus magna rhoncus diam, sed scelerisque leo eros a nisl. Curabitur turpis elit, pretium vel, suscipit nec, cursus ut, turpis. Donec arcu nunc, varius non, varius vel, molestie eget, dolor. Donec augue. Fusce in metus a purus malesuada pretium. Curabitur sagittis nisi in dui. Nulla sapien urna, dignissim in, sodales rhoncus, convallis et, nulla. In non elit at neque accumsan fringilla. Curabitur eleifend velit.
Sed massa nulla, viverra auctor, tristique eu, elementum in, mi. In molestie quam porta velit. Mauris orci erat, tempus in, vehicula id, vulputate ultricies, mi. Aliquam tincidunt malesuada tortor. Vivamus aliquet varius ante. Vivamus adipiscing erat porttitor justo. Quisque laoreet turpis. Nunc id neque. Vivamus posuere tincidunt nunc. Ut volutpat auctor augue. Donec mauris lacus, iaculis eu, molestie at, auctor a, libero. Etiam aliquam.
Etiam aliquet. Aliquam nisl. Aliquam sem lorem, nonummy nec, blandit sed, elementum nec, mi. Morbi leo sapien, vulputate nec, pulvinar ac, rutrum sollicitudin, nisl. Nullam nulla lorem, tincidunt blandit, sodales vitae, fringilla condimentum, est. Praesent ornare. Vestibulum a leo non nibh vestibulum porttitor. Aliquam nonummy, leo viverra tincidunt porttitor, nibh dolor lobortis mi, ultrices blandit urna dui sed ante. Aliquam sagittis posuere risus. Donec sollicitudin adipiscing orci. Curabitur at eros nec est elementum posuere. Nunc accumsan venenatis massa. Nunc ante arcu, aliquam eu, ultricies eu, malesuada ut, lorem.
Duis pellentesque interdum diam. Morbi tristique, lectus sit amet mattis molestie, pede massa laoreet risus, et imperdiet risus magna tincidunt pede. Ut sed libero et ipsum posuere tempus. Suspendisse a sem porta risus vestibulum rutrum. Integer mollis accumsan orci. Duis odio. Pellentesque elementum. Etiam euismod porta dolor. Nunc tellus sem, aliquet a, interdum quis, auctor ut, orci. Donec nibh justo, varius posuere, dignissim id, feugiat in, erat.
Suspendisse tincidunt interdum neque. Nunc blandit tempus nunc. Nulla vulputate nulla vitae nunc. Ut turpis. Donec leo odio, mollis ut, laoreet convallis, malesuada non, libero. Vestibulum mi urna, gravida nonummy, lobortis id, fringilla sed, nulla. Nunc sollicitudin felis et pede. In turpis turpis, elementum a, mollis vitae, posuere vitae, leo. Praesent ante elit, congue sed, commodo ac, tincidunt ac, justo. Nam consectetuer purus sed lacus. Vestibulum volutpat nulla at pede.
Sed malesuada arcu ac quam. Cras vel nisi quis tortor ullamcorper consequat. Vivamus erat tellus, malesuada ac, consequat sed, imperdiet et, nisi. Proin nisl purus, facilisis vel, hendrerit blandit, lobortis vel, odio. Etiam blandit, turpis eu consequat elementum, nibh purus fermentum erat, vel vehicula metus orci sit amet ante. Donec vitae pede. Morbi quam. Nam bibendum mi quis quam commodo scelerisque. Vestibulum pulvinar. Sed scelerisque. Integer sed erat sed turpis eleifend faucibus. Nulla varius adipiscing nisl. Sed leo turpis, facilisis sed, cursus quis, pharetra et, risus. In hac habitasse platea dictumst. Suspendisse quis sem nec mauris molestie sollicitudin. Phasellus bibendum. Ut nulla. Integer volutpat. In tincidunt metus vel tellus. Nunc laoreet turpis sit amet metus.
Integer consequat nibh a neque. Duis gravida dui id lacus. Nunc rutrum, magna eget pulvinar bibendum, velit risus hendrerit erat, id auctor tellus felis eu nisi. Fusce auctor arcu tristique ante. Aenean ante. Donec consectetuer eleifend velit. Vestibulum ante ipsum primis in faucibus orci luctus et ultrices posuere cubilia Curae; Praesent quis ipsum. Phasellus elementum. Vestibulum a urna. Nam pede lectus, vulputate eget, porttitor sit amet, egestas nec, risus. Nam in ligula quis nisi auctor mattis. Integer quis diam. Aenean massa. Integer eget turpis. Phasellus sagittis quam. Fusce id tortor quis justo pharetra pulvinar. Nulla sollicitudin eleifend ligula.
Pellentesque tincidunt. Suspendisse potenti. Pellentesque vitae nibh. Sed dictum purus ut dui consequat placerat. Sed eu massa. Nulla sed magna. Ut.'
...Nothing happened.
“I don't think it will work for you, Sir Mac Taylor of the Crime Scene Investigation in New York,” David the Scottish bear remarked.
“And why not?” He demanded.
'Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Fusce ac augue in orci ultrices volutpat. Quisque erat erat, ullamcorper id, pharetra molestie, varius vitae, risus. Vivamus id quam viverra metus sollicitudin blandit. Phasellus erat arcu, auctor sit amet, ornare id, viverra ac, lacus. Praesent a nisi. Donec ut eros. Ut tempor ligula vel elit. Aliquam erat volutpat. Phasellus ac quam. Integer tincidunt. Vivamus semper suscipit velit. Duis scelerisque viverra diam. Fusce sapien.
Aenean consectetuer. Vestibulum vitae magna. Suspendisse ullamcorper, sem vel eleifend eleifend, elit libero luctus risus, a accumsan lectus orci ac sem. Duis lectus. Vivamus ultricies, nisi sed pharetra mattis, nunc nunc consequat nibh, eu tincidunt nunc felis dictum dolor. Vestibulum ante ipsum primis in faucibus orci luctus et ultrices posuere cubilia Curae; Pellentesque quis diam. Donec sed turpis. Vestibulum eu mauris a nisi imperdiet iaculis. Suspendisse aliquam, diam egestas aliquam porta, nulla est dapibus magna, vel ornare lacus purus molestie ipsum. Nulla vitae nibh et velit sollicitudin vestibulum. Nunc vulputate. Nam et augue. Sed ultricies tellus at lectus. Nam gravida varius lorem. Suspendisse dui. Sed ornare, justo quis scelerisque scelerisque, mauris dolor tincidunt pede, ac viverra ante turpis vitae felis. Phasellus rutrum lacinia odio.
Morbi aliquam molestie nulla. Integer eu quam. Donec massa. Fusce nunc nulla, lacinia quis, bibendum quis, fermentum eget, ipsum. Sed auctor tellus a nisi. Sed in diam ut nibh vestibulum commodo. Fusce ante sem, porta in, porttitor nec, adipiscing quis, arcu. Proin ut justo eu leo fringilla mattis. Aliquam libero magna, porta non, cursus non, eleifend quis, tellus. Sed vel nisl eu elit auctor pretium. Nullam aliquam tempus ipsum. In convallis quam at dolor. Sed eu massa. Vestibulum sed tellus nec tellus dignissim blandit.
Pellentesque habitant morbi tristique senectus et netus et malesuada fames ac turpis egestas. Praesent vitae magna quis nunc porttitor euismod. Nunc ut nulla a nulla pharetra imperdiet. In ut sem. Sed posuere scelerisque quam. Nunc quam erat, fringilla ut, porta at, ultricies et, eros. Quisque lobortis. Nunc purus. Mauris feugiat luctus nibh. Nulla pellentesque velit id urna. Donec pulvinar. Cras quam tellus, vulputate quis, euismod eu, blandit sed, lectus. Duis sem. Etiam mi. Sed eu nunc sit amet quam cursus ultricies. Sed at mi at est aliquam fringilla. Curabitur mollis erat sed nisl. Vivamus interdum, diam a eleifend ullamcorper, velit purus consequat lorem, sed cursus arcu nunc quis sapien. Integer commodo elit vel orci. Donec sagittis.
Duis id eros a nisi faucibus vestibulum. Aenean dolor. Proin lobortis. Morbi lacinia, purus a rutrum volutpat, metus magna rhoncus diam, sed scelerisque leo eros a nisl. Curabitur turpis elit, pretium vel, suscipit nec, cursus ut, turpis. Donec arcu nunc, varius non, varius vel, molestie eget, dolor. Donec augue. Fusce in metus a purus malesuada pretium. Curabitur sagittis nisi in dui. Nulla sapien urna, dignissim in, sodales rhoncus, convallis et, nulla. In non elit at neque accumsan fringilla. Curabitur eleifend velit.
Sed massa nulla, viverra auctor, tristique eu, elementum in, mi. In molestie quam porta velit. Mauris orci erat, tempus in, vehicula id, vulputate ultricies, mi. Aliquam tincidunt malesuada tortor. Vivamus aliquet varius ante. Vivamus adipiscing erat porttitor justo. Quisque laoreet turpis. Nunc id neque. Vivamus posuere tincidunt nunc. Ut volutpat auctor augue. Donec mauris lacus, iaculis eu, molestie at, auctor a, libero. Etiam aliquam.
Etiam aliquet. Aliquam nisl. Aliquam sem lorem, nonummy nec, blandit sed, elementum nec, mi. Morbi leo sapien, vulputate nec, pulvinar ac, rutrum sollicitudin, nisl. Nullam nulla lorem, tincidunt blandit, sodales vitae, fringilla condimentum, est. Praesent ornare. Vestibulum a leo non nibh vestibulum porttitor. Aliquam nonummy, leo viverra tincidunt porttitor, nibh dolor lobortis mi, ultrices blandit urna dui sed ante. Aliquam sagittis posuere risus. Donec sollicitudin adipiscing orci. Curabitur at eros nec est elementum posuere. Nunc accumsan venenatis massa. Nunc ante arcu, aliquam eu, ultricies eu, malesuada ut, lorem.
Duis pellentesque interdum diam. Morbi tristique, lectus sit amet mattis molestie, pede massa laoreet risus, et imperdiet risus magna tincidunt pede. Ut sed libero et ipsum posuere tempus. Suspendisse a sem porta risus vestibulum rutrum. Integer mollis accumsan orci. Duis odio. Pellentesque elementum. Etiam euismod porta dolor. Nunc tellus sem, aliquet a, interdum quis, auctor ut, orci. Donec nibh justo, varius posuere, dignissim id, feugiat in, erat.
Suspendisse tincidunt interdum neque. Nunc blandit tempus nunc. Nulla vulputate nulla vitae nunc. Ut turpis. Donec leo odio, mollis ut, laoreet convallis, malesuada non, libero. Vestibulum mi urna, gravida nonummy, lobortis id, fringilla sed, nulla. Nunc sollicitudin felis et pede. In turpis turpis, elementum a, mollis vitae, posuere vitae, leo. Praesent ante elit, congue sed, commodo ac, tincidunt ac, justo. Nam consectetuer purus sed lacus. Vestibulum volutpat nulla at pede.
Sed malesuada arcu ac quam. Cras vel nisi quis tortor ullamcorper consequat. Vivamus erat tellus, malesuada ac, consequat sed, imperdiet et, nisi. Proin nisl purus, facilisis vel, hendrerit blandit, lobortis vel, odio. Etiam blandit, turpis eu consequat elementum, nibh purus fermentum erat, vel vehicula metus orci sit amet ante. Donec vitae pede. Morbi quam. Nam bibendum mi quis quam commodo scelerisque. Vestibulum pulvinar. Sed scelerisque. Integer sed erat sed turpis eleifend faucibus. Nulla varius adipiscing nisl. Sed leo turpis, facilisis sed, cursus quis, pharetra et, risus. In hac habitasse platea dictumst. Suspendisse quis sem nec mauris molestie sollicitudin. Phasellus bibendum. Ut nulla. Integer volutpat. In tincidunt metus vel tellus. Nunc laoreet turpis sit amet metus.
Integer consequat nibh a neque. Duis gravida dui id lacus. Nunc rutrum, magna eget pulvinar bibendum, velit risus hendrerit erat, id auctor tellus felis eu nisi. Fusce auctor arcu tristique ante. Aenean ante. Donec consectetuer eleifend velit. Vestibulum ante ipsum primis in faucibus orci luctus et ultrices posuere cubilia Curae; Praesent quis ipsum. Phasellus elementum. Vestibulum a urna. Nam pede lectus, vulputate eget, porttitor sit amet, egestas nec, risus. Nam in ligula quis nisi auctor mattis. Integer quis diam. Aenean massa. Integer eget turpis. Phasellus sagittis quam. Fusce id tortor quis justo pharetra pulvinar. Nulla sollicitudin eleifend ligula.
Pellentesque tincidunt. Suspendisse potenti. Pellentesque vitae nibh. Sed dictum purus ut dui consequat placerat. Sed eu massa. Nulla sed magna. Ut.'