Excerpt: He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

Was it possible my mother was the least sympathetic person on the entire planet? You’d think a woman whose husband cheated on her with a hotter, younger, and exceptionally smarter version of herself, would at least show some understanding about heart break. But not my mother. After weaselling the full story of the unexpected break up out of a teary eyed, miserably broken version of myself, she did not show a single drop of sorrow or sympathy. She simply pursed her lips in that pondering fashion, titling her head to one side and managing to look my directly in the eye as she said, “I did tell you that boy would be trouble, Ellery-May.”

Which of course, was true. The very first moment she’d laid eyes on Shannon with his immaculately styled hair and beautiful smile, she’d been sceptical about our relationship. No sooner had he disappeared from sight, she whispered harshly, “Never trust a man with blonde eyelashes, Ellery. There is something incredibly unusual about a man with blonde eyelashes. And those green eyes? By God, he looks like a snake! Stay away from that boy or there will be trouble, I’m warning you now.”

Although after a very long year her predictions had proved to have some truth behind them, the newly vacant hole in my heart didn’t need to hear her remind me so. All I really wanted was for her to open up her arms and envelope me in a nice, big, motherly hug while wiping my salty tears and telling me no boy would ever be good enough for me anyway. And then we were supposed to eat a pint of ice cream together straight out of the freezer and discuss how revolting men were from their body functions to the hair on their feet. That is what I’d surely imagine a regular mother would do after finding her daughter’s heart having just been stomped all over; not remind her that she knew it was coming all along.

But unlucky me, I didn’t have a regular mother.

After a series of ‘I Told You Sos’ in much vaguer form (eg, “I never liked him to begin with, did you know that?” and “Its common knowledge that boys who look like him are never good news”) and a lecture about my own stupidity for not following her advice in the first place, she went on to further butcher my already crucified heart by announcing the most disastrous news; that she and her boyfriend of six months, Mr. Sam Nottle, had decided to get married.

It was not her announcement that was the actual surprise; my mother had been engaged more times than I could count on two hands; but it was her extremely poor timing. The last thing I needed to hear, after my plans for the most amazing summer of my life had been brutally murdered by the one person I truly loved, was that there would be a wedding in the works. All the talk about cakes and dresses and engagement parties and romance, it only made me think about how pathetically tragic it was that my boyfriend had dumped me on the very first night of our summer vacation. To add insult to injury, my insane mother, who had a strange obsession with wind chimes and like to dance naked in thunder storms, could entice a man enough to want to marry her after a short six month relationship. If there was ever a deep blow to my weakened confidence, it was right there.

But like I said, my Mom being engaged wasn’t really a rare occurrence. Ever since her spilt with my Dad, it is like she’d been on the search for the perfect man to replace him. There had never been an actual wedding though, after eleven different engagements over the nine year separation; just big, ritzy diamond rings, and a lot of preparation for ceremonies that never occurred. I could tell by Sam’s very placid nature that he wouldn’t be the one to finally tie my mother down. I’m sure if he wasn’t my Mom’s boyfriend, I would like him very much; he’s a solid man, quite cute for old guy with gray streaks creeping into his dark hair and a very reserved smile. Noah got along with him famously, mainly because they shared an intense love for dirt bikes that would bond any boy and step father. I did give him credit for how pleasant he acted towards me, even though 95% of the time I practiced my hostile little bitch act on him. Sometimes I thought I should be nicer, and other times I even felt sad that he would soon have his heart crushed by Mom when she inevitably dumped him. And other times, I really didn’t give a toss.

Just like last night. After my Mom so selfishly announced her plans for another wedding (with Sam in tow, looking oh so nervous as to what my reaction would be), a fresh set of tears sprung to my eyes, my broken heart throbbed a little more painfully, and I screamed like a total banshee about how plainly self centered I thought she was. Sam, who had probably been expecting a little tamer reaction, instantly turned a sickly shade of green, probably at the thought that if all went to plan, I would effectively become his step daughter. My Mom wasn’t nearly as concerned however – she pretty much ignored me, giving her husband to be a glowing smile and a quick peck on the cheek, before she wafted calmly into the kitchen asking, “Anyone interested in an herbal tea? It’s very good for calming the nerves.”

Needless to say, I kindly rejected her offer.