Excerpt: The Bookreviewer's Son

"Good Morning, this is Jack Bristling with your favorite WZZQ program, Morning Coffee. My guest today for our Book Chat segment is Ruta Lindstrom whose diet book, COLOR ME SLIM, was released some years ago.

“Ruta has a little boy with her, a grandchild?”

“Oh thanks, Jack, for letting all your listeners in on my advancing years. No, this is my friend.”

“What’s your name kid?”

The boy sat there quietly just looking at Bristling. To break the awkward pause --- silence is not conducive to good radio --- I jumped in with both combat boots and said, “It’s a secret, Jack.” I even winked at him although I felt like a cheap Sarah Palin imitation. Nix that, I’d rather be Tina Fey, even a cheap Tina Fey imitation.

“And Ruta is drinking tea this morning as is our little mystery man. So Ruta, by the looks of you, the COLOR ME SLIM plan must work. Tell us about it."

"Thanks for inviting me on your program, Jack. But I was invited here to talk about my most recent book, REVIEW, which is an anthology of the best book columns I’ve written for the Iowan across the years.”

“Yeah, but Ruta, there’s nothing as intriguing as a diet even if it isn’t a new one so tell us a bit about that first, OK?”

“Alright but very briefly, the basic premise is quite simple. Most diets don't work because either they're too complicated or they get boring and dieters just can't stay with the plan. The COLOR ME SLIM plan addresses both issues by ---"

"Excuse me, Ruta, while we break for station identification, you're listening to WZZQ radio in Ames, Iowa, your news and entertainment station. Tonight on Pick Your Disc, Horace Van Buren will be taking your calls for Celtic music from 8:35 until the calls stop coming in. This afternoon on Talk of the Talk, the topic of discussion will be a new type of golf club, the kind you use to hit the ball, not where you go to bemoan your high score afterwards, heh, heh. Then on the noontime program at twelve we have a repeat performance of "Dowsing for Water on the Radio", which, if I may say so myself, might actually play better on the tube. So back to this revolutionary dieting plan, Ruta."

"Yes, well, thanks again, Jack. As I was saying the COLOR ME SLIM plan addresses the issues of complexity and boredom. Each day on this plan is different, but by using color as a code, it's very simple to ---"

"Ok, Ruta, and by the way, that's a really off name, Ruta, I don‘t think I‘ve ever heard it before. Bet the kids called you Rootie-Tootie at school."

"Yes, Jack, well don't forget that in Swedish, a bristling is a very boney fish. I think Ruta is a lovely name and, while were at it, my married name, Lindstrom, is lovely and so much easier to live with than my maiden of Kazlauskas, which means Smith in Lithuanian but most Americans can‘t pronounce. People say silly things like “alphabet with a K’ instead. But I bet you get called Jackie Wacky a lot. Now if I might just say a few words about the COLOR ME SLIM plan and then talk a bit about REVIEW? I do believe that's why I was invited on your program?"

Of course, there’s a nice pregnant pause here. Why do we use that phrase even when the pauser is a man?

"Yes, indeedy, now I understand your agent is married to another writer, do you think she can give you the attention your book needs or are her other clients just sidebars to her real life? And it’s Wacky Jack."

"Uh, Jack, I don't know, you see I've been more involved in my own life and my own book than in my agent's life or her husband's books. Wait a minute! Hold on! I don’t have an agent.”

"Oh sure, hey I didn't mean to say that your book is less important than any of those other ones this agent might be promoting, but what prompted you to write on this subject? Let's start with that."

“If you could just remind me, Jack, which book are you asking about? REVIEW or COLOR ME SLIM?”

“Sounds like you have a lot of books under your belt, Ruthie, especially for someone who claims not to have an agent.”

“Please don’t call me Ruthie. Now which book?”

“Well, excuse me! Let’s go for diets, more interesting than a book about books”

"If you say so. OK, I've always been interested in food."

"It couldn't be that diet books sell better than any other genre?"

"OK, that too. But mine was a bit different from most, if not all, other diet books, different even than other diet books that base the plan on color. And let us not forget that it was --- it still is --- a parody."

"Tell me more about other plans that are based on color, haven't heard of that. I’m sure my regular listeners, a sort of fan club I have, would like to hear about those."

"Well, most are based on a mix of colors, such as the Rainbow Diet."

"So your plan doesn't mix colors?"

"Well, in some ways and in some few parts of the plan, let's just say it's different. If I could just outline the basic plan, it might move the discussion forward."

"Ok, Ruta, let's start with you telling the listeners what your favorite color is."

"Uh, it's purple."

"That’s so weird! What made you pick purple?"

"Hmm, well, Jack, I just like it."

"You know, Ruta, I've been hosting this morning talk show for years and I don't think I've come across that as a favorite color before. It's unusual to say the least. Now most people like blue, and red seems to be the second most popular favorite color, and then I've discovered that people who favor yellow are usually single. Isn't that interesting?"

"Yes, Jack, very intriguing, now my plan ---"

"Sorry it's time for another station break, Ruta. You're listening to WZZQ in Ames with Jack Bristling, I’m your host, folks. Later today Horace Benson will be hosting the music call in program so you'll want to listen in or maybe call in. But the person who always calls in about the Catalani intermezzo can just give it a rest. Hey! Just kidding folks. But we don’t have that intermezzo no matter how stunning the listener tells us the cello parts are. Tune in at 7:00 tonight for Calling Horace. This afternoon’s news magazine will deal with the important issue of school lunch times. Should schools have kids eating lunch as early as 10:30? Tune in for that at 2:00. Well, Ruta, back to you. Since you're concerned with food issues, what's your stand on early lunch times in the schools?"

“My husband and I don't have children ---"

"Oh, was that a choice or the luck of the draw?"

"Uh, that's a really personal question, isn’t it, Jack?"

"Well, most of us do have kids, one way or another, so I just wondered."

"Well, yes, but many people are overweight, it's a great problem, not just in this country, but in the developed nations worldwide. It can effect one's fertility so my plan might be of interest to your listeners. It starts on the premise that one should eat ---"

"Has Weight Watchers endorsed your plan?"

"No, but I have used some techniques that they also incorporate into their plan."

"No copyright issues?”

"Actually this information was included in my original version of the book in the mid-1970s and Weight Watchers added it to their plan from information gleaned from the internet. Information that is readily available to everyone."

"So, could you sue Weight Watchers?"

"No, I hadn't planned on it. But COLOR ME SLIM is different in so very many ways from Weight Watchers ---"

"Hey, Ruta, you should rethink suing, you might make big bucks, megabucks. Everyone wants megabucks."

"Yes, but I've no idea who put this tiny bit of information on the internet and Weight Watchers didn't get it directly from my book."

"So, the original book ---"

"COLOR ME SLIM ----"

"Yeah, its pre-internet. How did you put it together, Ruta? I mean there were computers then surely?"

"Well, Jack, there were, but I certainly didn't have one as I wrote this in the mid-1970s when very few people had them. Certainly the concept of the home computer or the personal computer belongs to the late 80s and the 90s."

"Do you have a computer now or are you one of those techno-phobics?"

"Oh yes, I wrote all the reviews contained in REVEIW on my computer. It's a new technology for me. I was more or less still a card-carrying Luddite ---"

"A Luddite? Ruta, you'll have to tell the listeners what a Luddite is."

"Uh, It's to do with Ned Ludd who destroyed machines in Nottingham, England, when machines took over hand work such as lace making in the early part of the 19th century. Ludd felt that machines were taking over people's livelihoods. Then other craftsmen in other parts of England followed his example, and, though they were repressed, the name stuck. Therefore those who don't rush forward on every new wave of technology are called Luddites."

“Whoa, Ruta, that's a bit more than I bargained for, you must be quite a history buff. And I understand you lived in England. In Nottingham?"

"Actually, yes, in Nottingham and Derby, before moving back to Wales."

"So, are you English born?"

"No, I'd just lived a lot of different places, as had my husband, Steffan, so it was no surprise that we didn't exactly settle down to one place straight away."

"How did you end up in Iowa then?"

"We more or less threw a dart at the map ---"

“And your husband’s name is Steffan, I have a friend named Steffan.”

“I don’t think your Steffan is my husband, Jack. But speaking of names I was surprised to hear in your adverts that you have two on air personalities named Horace.”

“Why’s that?”

“Well, Jack, Horace isn’t exactly a common name, it’s a bit unusual.”

"Well, so is Ruta. Gee, this has been all very interesting, but it looks like our time is up. Thanks for coming on Book Chat, Ruta."

"It’s certainly been an experience, Jack"

“My next guest is Friedl Bartz who's self-published a book on box elder bugs and their habits. Tune in for that tomorrow during the Book Chat portions of Morning Coffee with me, Jack Bristling."