Excerpt:

Translator’s Note

Some of you may or may not know about the country of Zarbania. This is understandable because this is a country that is often missed by mapmakers when making a map of the Earth. This is, of course, by design. When looking at world politics, Zarbania just decided that it was easier to stay out of it if no one realized where they were. Because of this, the government decided to spend a lot of money to invest in the technology to make their country unable to be plotted on a map. This may sound like something that came out of Harry Potter, but actually, it turned out pretty well. It does help that Zarbania is an island.
Now you may be asking the question, “But if Zarbania exists, why haven’t I met or heard of any Zarbanians?” That’s a good question. When we travel, because no one has heard of us, we usually act loud, selfish and rude. Everyone assumes that we’re American. Unless of course when we’re in America, in which case we pick up an accent, say “G’Day mate!” and go to Outback Steakhouse and order grilled kangaroo and everyone assumes we’re Australian.
Of course, an even more observant person would ask the question, “But if you’re trying to keep Zarbania a secret, why would you go tell us about it in a book?” This kind of reader is very observant and should be able to pick up on a couple things that the kind of readers who asked the question in the previous paragraph wouldn’t. The answer is that this is classified as a “fiction” book by you guys and therefore, you won’t actually believe that this country actually exists. I can see the skepticism in your eyes right now. You think that I’m pulling your leg, that Zarbania doesn’t exist and that this book was actually written in English and I’m just pretending to translate it. I assure you nothing could be further from the truth. Of course, my assurance isn’t going to help in this manner, but I’m going to do what I can. Perhaps a postcard?
Of course, an even more observant person would ask the question, “But isn’t your last name ‘McTeague’? That’s an Irish last name, not a Zarbanian last name!” This kind of reader is very, very observant, more observant than the readers in the previous paragraph and even more observant than the readers from two paragraphs ago. This kind of reader is going to pick up on so much, that they are going to feel like they’ve learned enough and want to do some sort of mindless activity afterwards, like doing laundry or mowing the lawn. However, let me remind this kind of reader that despite the fact that I have a red beard, I am in fact a native Zarbanian and when I came here, my last name was in fact a Zarbanian last name. When I filled out my green card, I needed to pretend I was from another country, so I pretended I was from Ireland, and therefore had to change my last name. Happy now? (Probably not…)
Of course, an even more observant person would ask the question, “But I can see you. You’re writing this in a college dorm room in the U.S. In fact you’re writing this in your bed, half-naked.” This kind of reader is so observant, it’s starting to freak me out. I mean seriously, I just swept the room and found no less than 3 cameras, and now you’re telling me that there’s still more? I thought I was through when I found the ones in my pillow, my cell phone, and my stuffed Pikachu. I mean, seriously. You ruined Pikachu for me, now that I know that if I’m staring into my plush Pikachu’s eyes, it could be staring back at me. Oh, not only did I find the various cameras that were hidden around my dorm room, I found the tracking devices hidden in the anti-depression pills and the microphone hidden in my prepackaged pudding pods . Well, I’m going to tear my room apart board by board, and I’m going to find every one of the godforsaken devices, because if there’s one thing I can’t stand, it people who are so paranoid that they think that they need to monitor me to make sure that I’m okay. Geez. I hate paranoid people.

Um… yeah. I should probably just cut to the story by now. Yeah… *awkward*