Illusion
an excerpt

"I have a problem."

"Of course you do. That's why you're here."

A gasp. "How - how did you know that?"

"It's what I do."

"Right. Well, anyway, Mr... Mr. Slooth, it's about my husband, Frederick. He's gone missing. Completely. It's like he never even existed. The police won't investigate. They keep telling me I'm crazy. But I'm not crazy! This is real! It's a conspiracy! He's been abducted by the Zen Won Clan! They've erased all his records! I know it!"

"Get out."

"What? But... I can pay!"

"I can't help you."

"But you... you're an investigator!"

"No, ma'am. I'm a researcher. And I can't research people unless they show up in Yoogle. Watch." I typed. Nothing came up.

"But you don't know his name!"

"It doesn't matter. He's not there. You already said so."

"But... but... I don't think that makes sense!"

"Look, ma'am. Imagine I'm a tailor. You come to me. You tell me you're missing a pair of pants. You ask if I can shorten them for you. No, I can't. You don't have any pants, ma'am. Maybe you used to have pants. I don't know. I'm not a historian. I can't help you. I can't shorten pants that aren't there."

"Pants? I don't see -"

"And for that matter, I'm not a tailor. Even if you had remembered to bring the pants with you, I still couldn't help, because shortening pants isn't my job. Understand?"

"But why pants?"

"It's an analogy, ma'am. It's complicated."

"But my husband!"

"You don't have a husband. You told me so yourself."

"No, I have a husband! They just erased him!"

"Then I can't help you."

"Well... what kinds of things *can* you help with?"

"I do pure research. Abstract stuff."

"I was told you were a private investigator! The best!"

Not true. My father was a private investigator. The best. And apparently word gets around. But he didn't do that anymore.

"You've confused me with someone else."

"Look... I'm desperate. Nobody is listening to me. This is important! You're not the first private investigator I've talked to."

"How many of the others weren't private investigators either?"

"You're so confusing! Listen. What kind of pure research? What do you know about the Zen Won Clan?"

"I know what I've read." I read a lot. It's what I do.

"Well, could you... could you... theorize about how they might make... someone... disappear from society? Hypothetically?"

"Certainly. But it'll take time. And I'm not running a charity."

"I can pay!"

"That's good news. Please, sit down."

And that's how I got my first case. I mean, research project.