Open Palm
an excerpt

Amana went through the moves of Heian Shodan multiple times, focusing hard and ignoring every other thing. After she felt she had done it enough times, for the time being, she moved on to Heian Nidan. She did the same with Heian Sandan, Heian Yondan, and Heian Godan. She went on and did Tekki Shodan a few times and then went back to Heian Shodan, slowly going through them all, over and over, making sure she was doing every move. Any time she messed up, she did her best not to make any faces or noises, Noé always scolded her about that. And she really was trying to stop making them. But it just upset her so much. Karate was her life. If she could not do this well, then what was the point? If she failed at everything, then what is there to live for?
Amana sighed, “Damn it.” she muttered, “Freaking depression.” Why did it have to pop up so much? She sat down heavily, not pleased that her training had been messed up by emotions.
I know that a lot of things have not been going too well. I mean… the divorce, and classes, homework, the insanity of treasurer duties, work, worrying about everything, dealing with the counselor, trying to keep my half of the room clean, trying to attend both churches, trying to hang out with everyone who wants to hang out, trying not to forget anything or show any signs of stress, trying to be more spontaneous… it is hard, and a lot. A heck of a lot. Especially for someone who has yet to turn freaking twenty years old! But look, we have made it so far. And we are still chugging along. Yeah, it is tough. And it is not going to get easy. But we have friends who love us, the world’s most amazing boyfriend, and a strong spirit. Not to mention an awesome dojo family. We can do this.
Then a voice snuck in, from the back of her mind, dad is coming.
All the hope she had just built up crashed down around her. Tears began to leak out of the corners of her eyes, slowly making their way down her face, the drops getting larger as they joined with the sweat already on the way down. Self doubt rushed in, it never crept anymore, it rushed in like a circus, set up camp, and it took a war to get it out.
I just can’t do it. I can’t I am not strong enough. That was a load of horse crap I just said. I know it. There is nothing I can do. I suck at everything. Dad was right. I never will make anything of my life. I can’t. I won’t. There is no way. How could I? I mean, I mess everything up. There is not one thing I have been able to do well, ever. Maybe for a short period of time, but after a while, I screw it up. I always do. It is inevitable. Why do I even try? I always mess it up. What is the point of trying? It is just a waste of time and energy. I should just… I don’t even know.
The tears were streaming down her face now, freely flowing, her face was getting blotchy and her shoulders were shaking. She sat there in a pitiful heap, sobbing.
Noé had been on his way to surprise her with a visit, he passed her heaving body crumpled in the grass beside her dorm.
“Amana?” he asked softly.
She looked up, startled, brought back to reality by his voice, people could see her, could have been watching her. She flushed a deep red, embarrassed.
“Are you okay hon?” he asked, he knew she wasn’t, but he hoped she would speak about it.
She nodded, not wanting to tell him. Telling him would be speaking it aloud. Speaking it aloud would just make it her voice she heard saying her father’s words. She did not want that.
He came closer, gingerly touching her still quavering shoulder.
A sob escaped her throat and she succumbed to the tears again, her head shaking. “I…” she managed to croak between sobs, “I’m not…” the rivers ran down her face quickly, heavy with the constant supply of tears pouring from her eyes, “…alright.” Once she was able to fully admit that, the emotions took full hold of her and she could not speak any more, her body was wracked with huge sobs, shaking her form like a rag doll. She leaned against Noé, soaking the shoulder of his shirt.
He sat there holding her, stroking her hair that had fallen out of the tight bun it had been captured into. He rocked slightly, trying to comfort her.

They stayed that way for over an hour before her tears finally ran out. Her body still quivered, shaking with tearless sobs. Noé held her close. “It is alright. I’ve got you.” he murmured again and again, continuing to rock her defeated body slowly.
Finally her body and emotions allowed her to do more than bow to them. She pulled Noé’s safe and warm body to her, clinging to him in fear. “I am so scared.” she said quietly, so quietly he could barely hear her. “Terrified.” she added, her eyes two pits of despair.

“Hey hon.” he said, acting as if nothing had gone wrong, as if everything was perfect. It made her feel sick.
“Hey.” she replied, faking a smile as she hugged him, no warm feelings going into the hug.
“Ready?” he asked her.
She nodded, the faster they went out to dinner, the faster she could get back to her dorm and all of this could be over.
They headed to his car as he rambled cheerfully about random going ons of back home and she attempted to feign interest.
“Where do you want to go?” he asked her.
She shrugged, “Wherever.” she replied, she just wanted it to be done.
“What are you in the mood for?” he urged.
“How about Outback?” she asked, she had not been there since the previous fall just before winter break, so it had almost been a full year, might as well get her favorite dinner out of this horrible time.
He laughed, “That does not surprise me.” he said.
“I have not been in a year.” she said. She smacked herself internally. Why do you feel you have to explain yourself to him? Stop it! If that is where you want to go, what does it matter when you last went? He asked. You answered. Stop being that way. Do not be his victim.
“Alright.” he said as he drove in the direction of Outback Steakhouse. He kept asking her questions about silly things and she answered, short answers that got the question answered but did not go any further than needed.
“I wanted to talk about that phone conversation we had a while back.” he said.
Shit. She thought, of course he had to remember.
“I have been thinking about it a lot.” he continued.
I am sure. Trying to prove me wrong. Thinking of ways to make me feel like shit and like shutting up again.
“One thing you said, about me never saying I was proud of you, I have been thinking a lot about that. Trying to… well… prove you wrong.”
bingo
“And… well…”
No way. Is he… admitting he can not prove me wrong???
“Maybe you are right. But I felt it. I am sorry if I never actually said it. I meant to.”
Meaning to and actually doing it are two VERY different things, ass.
“You are an amazing young woman and I am very proud of you. Look at everything you have done. You got your Gold Award, you are doing very well in school, you did an amazing job at the pool this summer… and that is all you. I am not trying to take credit for anything.”
If you could you would. Admit it. Saying all this stuff does not mean anything. You were a jerk all my life and you still are. None of this crap changes anything.