Not a Dream: A Romatic Fantasy Comedy in Three Acts or Your Money Back (Act I) [W/T]
an excerpt

“Kain… Master… Kain…” Alice sighed, kicking her feet and laying her head on the cold table. I’d never seen her this upset before without bursting into completely irrational tears. This girl was usually like a walking billboard for whatever was on her mind but today I was having trouble reading her. All I knew was that she seemed upset about something that was probably far out of my scope of expertise. I was a teenage boy, not a psychotherapist. Talking to me about girl problems was probably like asking a two year old about rocket science; all we knew is that it all goes ‘boom’ at some time or another.

I took a fry from the basket and popped it into my mouth before using the bottle and squeezing some of the ketchup in my mouth after it; Alice looked up and gasped before snatching the bottle from me and covering the fries in the red sauce and shoving the bottle at the waitress who just happened to be walking by. Her hands gripped the edge of the table in sudden anger, “What’s the matter with you? Do you even have any manners? You just do what you want to don’t you?”

Uh. Yeah. Pretty much.

“But you’re all lively now, that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. This must be what it feels like to drink too much on Christmas eve. Right before passing out, of course.” I simpered softly, taking another fry and holding it closely in front of my eyes before shoving it in my mouth and chewing while making as many faces as I could think of. “But who said you had to cover all the food in this much ketchup? I wanted it on that particular one, not the whole basket. That’s completely disgusting you know…this stuff is full of sugar and salt. It’ll only raise your blood pressure and kill you before you hit forty. Unless you already have, old woman.” I added snickering.

Alice glared at me and grabbed her soda a little too roughly and it shook, dripping on the table. She kept quiet for now while she dapped at the wet spots on the table and chewed on the end of the straw. I could sense the death threats coming, but at least she was starting to forget about whatever she’d been trying to brood about. It was just not right seeing her look so serious, it was similar to seeing a chimpanzee at the zoo reading a book. Only this one had better-looking hair; it had better be with all the time she spent in front of the mirror in the morning. Some of us liked getting to school on time and not being held in detention, m’kay?

“I have no idea how old you are, you should tell me. After all, who knows how much time we’ve got to pal around like this? One day you’ll be back to your own world and off in some random part of the cosmos taking away the souls of an ancient, dying race who call desperately to us for help. With our limited intellect and loud head-splitting Hip-Hop music we’ll never get the message and will have effectively doomed a sentient race to extinction.” I reached across the table and snatched the soda from Alice, putting my own straw in the cup and beginning to drink it. “This is bad for you too. It’s full of high fructose corn syrup, poison… bad for your teeth too. Just let me finish this up for you, don’t mind do you? Please and thank you.”

“I’m not falling for this,” Alice whispered, her face torn between anger and trying to look like she was having fun; “This is all a plot so you can win the bet and get that new video game.”

“Touché”

“Trying to act all smart, what an idiot. You’re just incredibly lucky that someone out there favors you. You’d have been working in a coal mine somewhere if it wasn’t for them… you’d be the resident canary.” Alice added, smiling sweetly. “Watch out for those cave-ins; they’re simply quite unpleasant.”

“You’d know that wouldn’t you? The root of all evil is lecturing me on the wisdom of letting the forces that be handle my schoolwork while she goes out and infects death and disease all over the world.” I leaned back on my side of the booth and grinned over at her, “At least I can walk to school without diving into buses whenever I see a school bus.”

“Y-You jerk!”
“Hn, that the best you got dead girl?”
“What did you call me?!”
“Dead.”
“Oh.”

I burst out laughing; I couldn’t believe she actually didn’t get mad. It was all true so I guess there was no real reason to be angry. She was laughing too, a sound a I rarely heard. Alice was always screaming at me and breathing fire whenever I just teased her a bit. It was just too easy to mess with her. She was such a weird girl, crazy but kind of fun sometimes.
I heard the table bang as she started throwing a tantrum again but my eyes were full of tears; this was just so funny!

Rubbing at my eyes I saw that she was still tapping her fingers loudly on the table and glaring at me looking flushed. Most of the staff and a few of the other diners were staring at our table in mixed annoyance and fascination. We were making such a commotion that I just knew we were going to be kicked out shortly; either that or we’d be hired to attract more customers. The waitresses were covering their faces with the checkbooks to keep from showing that they were laughing and the cashier wasn’t even trying to hide that he was laughing.

“Hey miss. Do I look like a peasant?” I asked our waitress who was just passing by again.

“I’m sorry?”
“Do… I… look… like… a… peasant…?”
“Uh…”
“Whatever.”
“No, no… not at all, that’s just an odd question for a person to ask…”
“I’m surprised you don’t hear it more often, Miss.”

“You look like a fine young man.” The waitress smiled prettily and bobbed her head, “And you’ve got such a pretty girlfriend.”

Whoa, whoa. Pause. Rewind. Replay. Stop.

Time out. Number one, not my girlfriend. Number two, I was not a fine young man. It was comments like that that made my whole existence mostly pointless with me having spent most of trying to rebel against every single non-law-enforceable rule I’d ever known or been taught. Number she still hadn’t commented on my clothes specifically.

I pointed a finger at Alice, “Not my girlfriend.”

Alice made a noise that sounded like choking behind me and then the waitress began to giggle, trying hard to stop. I just stared, I was being honest is all and then the women started up all over again. They were way too easily offended or excited or whatever. When I looked across the table back at Alice her hands were bunched into fists on the table and she was biting her bottom lip looking murderous. She seemed to be perking up right away! Fun, fun, I tell you.

“I wanted to as you something.”

“Yes, sir?” The woman was still laughing and coughed when she spoke.

I took my gloves out of my pocket and handed them to her, she held them looking puzzled and cracking another smile as if she sensed another ‘joke’ coming. Trying to show that I was seriously I placed my hands on the table, making sure that they were well away from the knife and other pointy silverware that were still next to Alice’s twitching hands. “Okay, before you ask I’m not going to hold her hand or anything. This girl just might kill me for that, trying to say I was taking advantage of her maiden innocence or something equally stupid. Innocence is just a pretense cooked up by those who aren’t old enough or are too stupid to lie, steal, and cheat like everyone else.”

Another burst of laughter, now a few of the patrons were listening and not even attempting to pretend otherwise. See what I go through? I try to explain something to someone and I get that studio audience sound effect from sitcoms. I waited for them to stop so at the very least the young waitress who was drying her eyes on her apron could hear me. Ew. I officially hated this place, I hope this waitress broke down into tears, screamed, and realized how utterly pointless her life was and threw herself into the ocean once she realized that I only planned to leave a fourteen percent tip instead of the customary fifteen!

“Now…”
“Y-yes…?”
“…”
“What?”
“Stop ‘tee-hee’ing. It’s annoying.”

Pause for laughter.

“I want you to take those gloves…”
“Uh-huh…”
“And use a pair of scissors to cut the fingers off.”
“What? Why?”

“I’m going to go jogging in a tank top and shorts. While I’m freezing to death I want to accessorize properly.”

More laughter.

These people… so easily amused.

“No way, really?”
“No!”
“No?”
“There are far less painful ways to be a masochist than frostbite.”