Not My Body
an excerpt

NEW NEW NEW EXCERPT
((The ending will probably be something like this:))

The most horrible thing happened to me today, and I guess it is only a harbinger of things to come. I was walking the Philosophers’ Walk, all alone! Just enjoying the sunshine, grinning at the boys, and walking with as long a stride as I could. And I ran into Sariah.

Before I remembered that I was not supposed to know her, I yelped, “Sariah!” She turned to look at me, puzzled, but at least smiling a little. Then I had to fumble for what to say.

“I met you at the party, remember? At the castle? You probably don’t recognize me, I was in a costume. I’m ….” Here I really did flounder, because I had forgotten my name, and no doubt that made me seem uber-suspicious. “…Katja! You were dressed in that black dress with the cutouts and you were with that wheelchair girl.”

She glared at me so fiercely that I stepped back. Her hands balled into fists, and she pushed her face up into mine – so strange to be taller than her! – and she said, “Don’t you dare call her that! Do you know she died? She died in that horrible place! At least she had one amazing night. Anyway, I hope it was….” She turned away but not before I saw the light glint suspiciously from her eyes. She was crying – because of me! Humbled and sad and glad, a thousand words fired through my neurons, and none came out. She couldn’t know that wheelchair girl did not mean anything bad, it was what I called myself, ever since Ben.

I knew I shouldn’t, but I ran after her. “Wait! How do you know – how do you know she died?”

Without looking at me, she said, “I tried to go see her. They told me.” She kept walking.

I stopped and let her go. My throat closed up, like I’d swallowed a balloon, and I had to swallow and swallow. “It was an amazing night!” I called after her. “I know it was!” She didn’t look at me, only walked faster, and I realized that I could never be her friend or tell her how much that night meant to me or tell her that I hadn’t died.

That explains why she never came to visit me, of course. She did try to visit me, and they told her I died, because, what else would they tell her? That is what they’re telling everyone. Tippi died, Tippi died, and, in a way, Tippi did die. Ohgodohgod.

I wrote a letter to Sariah. I wrote about how much the night at the castle meant to me, and I wrote that I didn’t mind dying because that night was worth dying for, and I wrote that I would love her forever. Then I asked a stranger at a cafe to write a note to attach to my letter, so it would be in different handwriting, as if from my parents:

We found this letter in Tippi’s things and are mailing it to you so you will know how much you meant to her. Thank you for befriending our daughter on one of her last nights on earth. We know it made the remainder of her life happier, and one of the last things she mentioned was to tell you thank you.

Of course I forgot that I do not know where to mail it.