Excerpt: Torn

She was taught that she was nothing.
That's what people teach.
They smile and say, "Look at you!"
as though they really see,
and a hug that ends
with running their hands down your arms
to prove their love.
But really, they're pulling off
parts of your skin.
Sometimes, she'll see herself
in their hands
walking away.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5h9yZq5J24A
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"Sure, you put on an outlandish outfit and you say, 'See, how you dress doesn't matter.' One day. How great for you. But you've never spent your life being told you were wrong for being who you are. You've never been taught that your very self is the cause of other's sinning, that by having the body that you have, you cause men to stumble. That sure, you're God's creation, but he must have created you wrong, because you're inherently evil-- cover up, hide, submit, be silent, be ashamed or else be ashamed that you're not ashamed. You haven't lived your life being told that God only cares about what you say and what you do and if you don't fit the bill, well, it's straight to hell for you."
"But that's not God." William replied. But there was something in his expression that was no longer so optimistic.
"What the hell does that matter? I hate that argument. It's a cop-out for all Christians. 'Don't look at what I'm doing because I don't represent God while I tell you everything that he thinks and is.' Christians represent God. And whether we like it or not, that representation matters a whole lot to what others think of Him."
William leaned back on the bench and sighed with emotion, his eyes on the sky. "You're right," he responded.
Toranse loosened her arms around her body in surprise. "I am?" She said. "I don't think anyone's ever told me that before."
He nodded wearily. "You're right, that I don't know what I'm talking about. You're wrong that I don't know what I'm talking about."
She waited silently for him to explain the twisted logic she'd grown accustomed too.
"Do you know why I have this outfit?" William asked. "I didn't go out and buy it today."
Toranse shook her head and shifted on her feet.
"Oh you can sit," William said, but Toranse shook her head. Right now, she didn't want to sit next to anyone.
"The reason I have this outfit," William continued, "Is because this is what I used to wear in my high school days. This was who I was."
"Oh?" So Toranse internally scoffed. "And?"
William looked at her. "This was who I was when I found Christ. I won't get into the story right now, it's not something that really matters to my point. But I met Him -- not physically, of course, but I met Him -- and it didn't matter from then on. You see, I had a good life. I've always known that I could be myself, but I wasn't secure in myself without God. This outfit was merely my insecurity. So when I became a Christian, over time, I found I didn't need to be this. I could dress in it if I wanted -- I hadn't felt the need until today -- but I didn't have too. Because it didn't matter what I wore."
"And that makes you understand me?"
"No. And yes. But no, in that, I have never had to be anything than myself. I was never forced. You, on the other hand, were." She cringed at his wording, knowing he wouldn't understand why she hated it. "You were taught a God that doesn't exist. And you're searching for the God that is."
"Are you saying I'm just insecure? That if I were really a Christian, I'd dress differently?"
He stood up and walked toward her. She didn't back away, her old anger kicking in and she looked him hard in the eye. "No," he told her firmly. "I'm saying that you know who God is. You've always known who God is, if you didn't, you'd be just another generic Christian.You're dress, your attitude, your....youness, that's all there. You just haven't accepted that it's okay. You're running from the God that is because you're afraid that He's the God that isn't."
"What?" Toranse asked, not exactly sure what he was saying.
William smiled. "One day it'll make sense."
"That's what you say about everything crazy that you say."
William grinned wider. "That's because it's true. As long as there are days, there are chances for all my logic to prove itself right."
"You think you know everything, don't you?" Toranse shot back teasingly.
"Nah," William told her. "Just most stuff."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Q2Gbp44S5s

--

She sat down on a bench, and Melissa followed suit, sitting on the other side. Toranse put her fingers to her forehead, unsure of how to begin. She decided that Melissa should begin, not her.
“So…” Toranse said. “Care to explain?”
Melissa sat in silence for a moment. “There doesn’t seem to be much to explain, does there?”
“What in the hell does that mean?” Toranse asked.
“You know what it means.”
“Well, pretend I’m stupid. Since that’s obviously what you believe.”
Melissa refused to respond, so Toranse continued. “Considering that you have nothing to say… that pretty much says it all.”
She got up to leave, feeling defeated. Maybe there was no truth in this goddamn world. “You know… I’m beginning to wonder if all the things you’ve said others have accused you of… all the times that you defended your innocence to those things… I’m beginning to wonder if all of them aren’t just true. You know… if you are an emulation of Christ… I don’t know that I want Him anymore.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K7v72M_pcIM