Satisfaction Guaranteed
an excerpt

*** Warning: Bad language and gratuitous violence follow. If you don't care for this sort of thing, you should stop reading and go elsewhere. ***

"This stupid grass," Vivian growled. She looked around frantically for something to stand on. "Hey, Barbarian, give me a boost up."

Freddie hesitated only the briefest of moments, and Travis caught his breath. Please don't start again now, he thought. When Freddie turned his back on the Wizard, Travis' heart skipped a beat. "Aw, shit."

Then Freddie stooped and linked his hands behind his back. "All aboard the barbarian express," he said over his shoulder. Vivian tossed Travis a quick smile and a nod, then stepped onto the offered step. Her staff made the effort awkward, but with a bit of scrambling, she was seated on his shoulders, towering above the grass wall between them and the trolls.

And there they were. "Oh, man, are they ugly," she grunted as she raised her staff and pointed it at the approaching monsters. "I hope our good thief is out of range by now."

"Oh, I think you can count on it," Freddie said from down below. His day's growth of beard was rough against the insides of her thighs, and the sensation was electric. She jumped. "Arrgh!" she said. "Shut up while I aim!"

Freddie's face clouded. She felt him freeze, and she leaned over the top of his head. "It's your beard," she explained quickly. "It . . . um . . . tickles."

His eyebrows arched, but he kept his silence. His broad hands tightened briefly on her calves, and her staff wobbled. "Aw, jeeze," she whispered and raised the staff once more. "Okay, here goes nothing."

"We better hope not," Travis said quietly from beside her right knee.

Vivian took a deep breath. "Fireball!" she shouted.

The staff pulsed in her hands, and a painfully bright blue light exploded silently from its end. A six foot swath of grass just ahead of them slapped the ground, and the effect roared along below the roiling, expanding blue sphere. "Oh, gods," Vivian whispered. "That is so fucking cool . . ."

The fireball reached the trolls and exploded.

It was the best fireworks display ever. The air above the monsters was full of white hot balls, each full of Hell's own flame that geysered downward, slamming into the trolls and the ground, dousing everything within ten yards around in withering heat.

When it reached them, the roar was horrendous.

- - - - - - - - - -

"Better soften the ground a bit," Kim said.

"I'm on it," Mike replied.

- - - - - - - - - -

It might have been the excitement, but Travis thought he felt his feet sinking into the ground. It was a curious sensation, but he only noticed it for a moment. Then the blast wall reached them, and he was flying backwards, sprawled on a wall of hot wind. He hit the ground, hard. Vivian, still holding onto Freddie's neck with a vice – like grip, thudded to the ground beside him. For a moment, they all laid there, breathless, staring up at the sky.

Then Vivian began to chuckle. A moment later, Freddie joined her. Travis lay still, doing an inventory of pain and finding none. "Wow," he said. And then he laughed, too, and kept laughing.

The sound rolled out across the plain. Nena stumbled into the clearing a moment later. "Vivian! Oh, man, that was just totally AWESOME!"

"Wasn't it?" the Wizard said. "Boom!" she yelled, moving her arms expansively. "Buh – buh –boom boom BOOM!" Without thinking, she reached down and hugged Freddie's head. "Woo HOOO!" she shrieked.

Freddie's eyebrows arched again, but his grin never faltered. He didn't try to break away.

Nena watched this unlikely scene, her grin fading to a look of bemusement. Then her head snapped up. "Uh, guys . . ."

The troll was eight feet tall and as wide as a bus. It grunted in pain as it dragged its shattered leg behind it into the clearing. Much of its wrinkled green skin was burned away, and other bits hung in burnt, ragged patches. Smoke rose around it like a fog.

Freddie was on his feet like lightning, pulling his sword from the scabbard on his back with both hands as he rose. The troll bellowed, raising its tree as he came. There was a flash of sun on steel, a faint whishing noise and three dull thuds in rapid succession. The tree toppled backwards, still gripped by a green hand. The left arm, not quite severed, thumped against the troll's side, nudging the body right.

The armless troll stared dully at them with tiny, malevolent eyes. There was a wet, gurgling, sucking sound, and its head fell off. Green blood spurted everywhere, dousing them all. The thing's knees buckled, and the torso dropped, balanced on its knees for a bit, and then pitched forward.

The silence in the clearing was broken only by one of its feet that twitched violently in the trampled grass for a moment and then fell still.

Freddie the Barbarian didn't make it to the edge of the clearing before he puked.