Academy of the Rose
an excerpt

Annie idly flipped through one of the magazines put out for patients to read. As though the staff thought people would enjoy reading news about some B-grade celebrity. From a year previous, at that. Stifling a yawn with the back of her hand, she wondered just how much more of this waiting she could take. A month beforehand she had gone through some rather vigorous tests. It wasn’t until this morning that she had heard anything back from her doctor, and she had almost given up on ever knowing the results.

Her nose crinkled up as she flipped past a page illustrating yet another movie star falling into the trap of bulimia, or anorexia or whatever eating disorder was the flavour of the month. Noting mentally that it was only a few weeks ago that this movie star had “come out of the closet” announcing her battle with the disorder, sporting a healthy glow and several more kilos than she had carried the year before. She cast a scrutinizing glance over the images, wondering to herself how people could put themselves through such a traumatic experience.

Frustrated, she tossed the magazine onto the coffee table and tried to get comfortable in her chair. The rigid, high back was giving her a crick in her neck, and she could feel her buttocks going numb. You would have thought better seating would be offered, but apparently putting patient’s into the greatest amount of discomfort possible was a theme in this practice. She glanced over at the receptionist out of the corner of her eye, and caught the bottle-blonde eying her with a mix of obscene curiosity and pity. Annie shifted again, trying to curl her left leg up beneath her. She groaned as the pressure on her rear increased and put it back down. The blonde, with a smirk, said something to the guy she’d been on the phone to ever since Annie had arrived at the surgery. Laughter soon followed, a high-pitched sound that grated on her already frazzled nerves.

It wasn’t that Annie was overly concerned for her own health. If anything, she had managed only to view the last few months from a distance, as though she were watching a virtual simulation of a future possibility in her life. Disconnected from the reality going on around her. No, her nerves were on edge due to the overwhelming reactions of her family and friends. She had long since grown tired of hearing their empty platitudes. Expressions of concern for her health. Pleas with her to slow down, to stop pushing herself so hard.

Now she could no longer stand to see them. Refused to answer her mobile. She knew this only made them worry for her more, but at least some had learned to give her the space she so desperately craved. It was only a few who failed to get the not-so-subtle hints. It seemed to her that whenever she pulled her phone from her handbag and flipped it open several new voice messages were waiting for her. Annie was already beginning to dread the action so much that often days passed before she would check her phone.

When she had received the call to come to the surgery, Annie had been in the process of deleting the seventh phone message her mother had left for her that morning. She tried hard not to seem to eager, and had sat there letting it ring for several moments before pressing the green button and holding the phone to her ear. The woman on the other end had been curt in leaving her message, but her disconcern for the feelings of patients did not bother Annie overly. She was merely glad to have heard from someone. The lack of news only served to cause more speculation about what was wrong with her.

“Ms Dawson?”

Glancing over at the door to the doctors’ rooms, Annie looked at the tired face of her family doctor. Dr. Horne had been her mother’s doctor when she had given birth to Annie and her sisters. He had been her doctor when she had broken her leg as a child. Dr. Horne was a fixture in the town, until the day he had been asked to mentor a young woman fresh from college he had been the only doctor the small town had known. He smiled in her direction, his watery blue eyes betraying the solemnity of the moment as he ushered her through the swinging doors, and down to his rooms.

She followed him quietly, his quiet demeanor impressing upon her the importance of this next few minutes in her life. A strange thing began to happen to her, the contents of her stomach began to churn and she felt her skin prickle cold, despite the warmth from the building’s heating system. Annie wondered about this silently, why it was that she now felt such a sense of foreboding crashing down over her head. Hesitation at the door almost prevented her from entering the clinically bare room, nearly kept her from falling into the chair Dr. Horne pulled out for her. Barely hearing his soft voice as he bade her to relax, before closing the doors.

Wringing her hands in her lap, she found herself uncomfortably trying to find somewhere to look as the doctor opened her medical file and began to read the notes in the front. No matter how hard she tried though, she couldn’t help her eyes being magically drawn to the pages with their hastily scrawled writing. The hand writing of doctors’ was hard to read at the best of times, and she was grateful she couldn’t read them upside down. Best not to know too much at this stage. Something told her Dr. Horne could break whatever news he had to in a much more reassuring tone than the cold hard facts ever could.

After what seemed like an eternity, he carefully returned the notes to the folder. Studiously making sure they were neat and tidy. This in direct contrast to the painfully messy writing upon their pages. Resting his elbows on the desk, he steepled his fingers together with his lips pressed against their tips. The gaze he settled upon her was unnerving. Gone was the carefree smile she and so many others had grown to love. Only to be replaced by pale, tight lips that seemed to have worry etched into their corners. She returned his gaze awkwardly, trying not to focus too hard on the lines creasing his face, but finding nothing else to concentrate upon.

Whatever news he must have, she found herself thinking, things can’t be good.

With her mind now racing through all the painful twinges she’d experience the last few months she could feel her worry growing exponentially. All the migraines, and constant feelings of tiredness, and most especially; the nausea. His silence was only making it worse. It felt to her as though he was struggling to find the right way to impart his news. Eventually his sigh broke through her reverie, dragging her back from her thoughts before she could dwell too long upon what might have been wrong with her.

“Annie, I’ll be straight with you. What we’re dealing with here isn’t going to be the walk in the park you’ve been pretending it will be. No, no… I know what you’ve been telling people. Gossips will always speak a little too loudly you know.” Frowning slightly, he reached over and covered her hands with one of his “Its time you stopped pretending.”

“Its easier this way, doctor.” She said quietly, trying to blink back the tears that threatened to spill down her cheeks. Already she knew what he was going to say. Dread wrapped his icy fingers around her heart, gripped tightly and squeezed until she thought it would burst. Avoiding his concerned gaze, she looked down at the floor. Pretending to be mildly interested in the patterns in the linoleum. Unfortunately, Dr. Horne knew her better than she had realised.

“Come now, you’re not a child anymore. This won’t do. Look at me, Annie.”

Painfully, she flicked her gaze up to his face, her eyes darting straight back down again as though she were a chastened puppy. Withdrawing her hands from his, she folded them tightly into the folds of her dress. She had worn her bright, cheery, summer dress despite the cold outside. Hoping that it might provide her some luck. Although she knew not why. She sensed, more than saw, the doctor shake his head sadly and lean backwards in his chair. Jealousy gripped her briefly as she noted the doctor had a well cushioned leather chair that looked oh-so-comfortable.

“Annie. Annie, listen to me. There’s nothing that can be done to change what happened. Its too late for that now, you’ve left it for far too long. Annie?”

Closing her eyes, she had dropped her face into her hands. Annie didn’t acknowledge the doctor as he gently placed his arms on her shoulders, squeezing them reassuringly. He started talk to her about the paths available to her, what few options she had left. He said nothing of the scandal that would rock the small town to its core. Did not need to remind her of the chill, knowing looks she would have to grow used to on the street. Dr. Horne thought them too, but was far too kind a soul to breathe a word. He could only shake his head sadly as the young woman took from him the collection of pamphlets he had gathered together for her.

Annie walked from the surgery as though in a haze, and as she walked she felt her life tumbling down around her. Her mother sat waiting for her outside, her eyes betraying the displeasure she felt despite the concern she showed outwardly.

“Come, Annie… Let us do what must be done.”