Things I've Learned about Me(n)
an excerpt

The two of them began talking privately, and as Maria found out more and more about him, she began to like him more and more. Still, a siren in her head would go off telling her that she was only headed for trouble if she continued on the course that she was. However, there was so much about him that she was looking for that she couldn’t shake him out of her mind.
Try as she might, knowing full well that it was headed only for bad, Maria continued to talk to James. Maria knew that she wouldn’t be able talk about James with her friends. Anyone she knew that was close to her would tell her that she was crazy and shouldn’t be doing what she was. She feared the reaction of those around her, so she knew she would have to keep him to herself.
However, the more and more began to learn about him, the more she knew that he was perfect for her – except the fact that he lived in Germany. There was nothing that she could do to help that. She knew that in this world that there was someone who complimented her and that even if that person was in Germany she would just have to deal with that. It was an obstacle for her, but it was one that she was willing to overlook for the time being.
Day after day she got to know James more and more. The issue with falling with someone on the internet is the problem of trust. Of course, one can’t see the person and can’t have a normal conversation face to face. Maria knew it was a problem, but she also know that with the information that she did have, she would have to be willing to give it a chance.
So, she gave it a chance. She and James talked to one another more and more every day. She worried constantly about what she was going to do if things every got serious between the two of them. She knew that she would consider traveling to see him if things did get serious enough. However, it wasn’t just a matter of traveling a few hours or even across state. It would be five-thousand miles travel that would have to happen. She didn’t know if she would be able to get to that point.
When things began to get more serious between the two of them, she began to worry even more about what she was going to do about the situation. She was really starting to fall, even if slowly, but her heart couldn’t stand being broken another time and she was scared and worried that that was exactly what was going to happen to her if she let herself get too involved. However, at that point in her life she was unwilling to give up something so potentially great.
She started to get to the point where she could barely stand not to talk to him, especially for a whole day. She was becoming addicted, and it scared her. It scared her more than she cared to admit. He said all of the right things to her, and she had trouble expressing in words how she felt for him try as she might. She wanted him to be able to trust her, and she hoped that by gaining his trust, she would be able to trust him even more.
Maria felt that there was something about James that she connected to that she had never connected to another person before. She thought that there were things that he understood about here that no one ever had before. She needed to be taken care of and controlled, but not in a bad way. She needed him to command her. She needed the control – if someone cared enough to control her, she felt that she would be able to be happy. She wasn’t sure why this was, and she wasn’t sure if it had anything to do with the way that she had been treated by men in the past, but she knew that when it came to doing something that he asked her, she had no objection to it. None of it was too extreme, or else she would have just told him no, as that was their understanding, but it was just extreme enough that it took her out of her comfort zone, but she was somehow comfortable out of it when it came to him.
Over some time Maria began to worry about the extent to which she was falling for James. She couldn’t help but fall for him more and more every day. It got to the point where it started to worry her. She knew that their distance from one another would make it next to impossible that over time that if they never got to meet that things would ever be easy between them. She felt herself wanting more and more from him, things that she could not have, every day.
He to admitted to the fact that he was unsatisfied that they could not be together. It was a strain for both of them. Finally the time came when they had to have a realistic talk about what the future could ever hold for the. Maria told James that at that point she was willing to do whatever she needed to make things work between the two of them. She was afraid to admit to him exactly how much she had fallen for him in such a short period of time, but she knew that she wanted nothing but honesty between the two of them.
The conversation finally came down to whether or not they should continue on the course that they were. Maria wanted to stay how they were, as frustrating as it was. She didn’t think that she would be able to let go of him. However, she had to ask the question whether or not it would be easier to feel the pain then or to prolong it and feel the pain later. James said that honestly he thought that feeling the pain then was he better idea. Maria knew that he was right, but it wasn’t going to make it any easier for her to let go.
She wanted to hold on to him as long as possible. But, James said that he was already sorry that he had hurt her and that he didn’t think he could continue to do so. She knew he was right. She also knew that when he apologized to her that he was hurting as well. The fact that he was hurting over the decision that they had to make only brought her more pain.
She had all she could do to not sob openly as they were having the discussion. In such a short time she had already grown to have such a connection as she had only found with few other people in her life, Troy being one of them.
James apologized a few more times to her and she couldn’t hold it in. She told him that if it weren’t for the distance between them that they would be together. They both knew it, however it was an obstacle that neither of them could do anything about. To let things go on as they were, to let them get more attached to one another was irresponsible and foolhardy.
So, Maria had to let him go. She had to let slip through her fingers the man who had made her feel more than she had felt in a long time. But, she knew she would only feel more for him over time. So, when she said goodbye to for him, she felt an all too familiar pang of grief and pain that she hadn’t wanted to feel. It was the same pang that she had managed to protect herself from for some time.
When Maria got home, she had already shed so many tears she knew she wasn’t fit to go anywhere or do anything until she had gotten more of them out. As soon as she walked in her door she crawled into her bed. At first she just cried. She cried out of frustration and she cried for the loss of him. She lay in bed for three and half hours. Every time she thought that she might be able to move out of bed, something pulled her back down and made her stay there. Every time she thought about having to move on, new tears would spring to her eyes.
She knew it was a ridiculous thought from the beginning that they could make it work over five thousand miles. She thought long and hard about what had gotten her to the point where she was even willing to take a chance on it. She knew that the connection couldn’t be denied, and that to do so was complete folly.
Laying in bed she thought about how hard she had tried so many times. She knew that all she wanted was to be wanted. She wanted someone to need her around, not just want her around. She felt that she was an emotional masochist. When things were hard for her, she was at her best. If something felt too easy, she had already run the opposite way. She could look back on so many other relationships that she had had and see that clear as day now.
When things got easy, she thought that they couldn’t possibly be right and she would get scared and run the other way. However, with James, things would never be easy and for some reason she wanted that more. She wanted to try with him. She wanted what he would be able to offer her that so few others had ever been able to offer her before. But, she knew that there was no point trying to make things work when they surely wouldn’t.
She wanted to remain optimistic. She wanted more than anything to be optimistic about the situation. However, she couldn’t kid herself and knew that to do so would only prolong the pain that she was feeling. She knew that there were differences between the two of them that would never permit for them to be able to be together even if there weren’t so many other obstacles in the way.
James was a fighter. He wanted to fight with the world. It had done him wrong and he had closed it off. He couldn’t see the good in things anymore and she had wanted more than anything to prove him wrong. She wanted to prove to him that there was still good in the world and she wanted to prove that to him with the way that she felt for him. However, she knew that she would never have that opportunity. He was broken and it only made her want to hold on to him even more. She was broken as well and that he could be the one to fix her. He already in a few weeks understood more about her and what she needed. She hated to let it go.
But let it go, she did. She let it go only with the hope that there was something else waiting around the corner. She knew how rare it was to find something twice. And she was sure that James was one of a kind. She only wished that she’d be able to find it again. Only, the next time she would need it to be closer to home.
She knew she would never be able to stop wearing her heart on her sleeve. She would never be able to completely give up the idea that someday she would find her other half. The romantic in her refused to give up on the idea. She knew she may have to hurt many more times before she did find it, but in the long run, she knew that when she did find it, it would have been worth all of it, and all the pain she had felt would be washed away by that person that she could give herself to completely and without any complications. James, just like the others had prepared her for that. It was just a matter of waiting it out.
Until then – whenever she closes her eyes, she sees his face.