Family Matters: Book One of the Farthendur Files
an excerpt

Excerpt One

* * * * *

Emomancers, dark, bleak Magi that usually start training their mastery of the Emotive Arcane spells in their teenage years, draw miserable spells from the collective magical power of their own Angst Fluxes. The seminal work of Emomancy, the dread Emonomicon, is a tome of such despair, that anybody who reads a copy of the work will become depressed to the point of suicide, unless read with thick rimmed glasses complimented by a long fringe. There is a much discussed couplet that even to the most powerful Emomancers remains a mystery: “Slash my wrists and black my eyes, but in strange eons even Death can cry”.

* * * * *

Excerpt Two:

The man walked out to the breakfast table, and he poured some Magi-Flakes into his bowl. “Full of Arcane Goodness! ” as the box proclaimed on the package.

Charlie shook her head at Malkalith. “You know Magi-Flakes are bad for you” she said.

“No they’re not” said Malkalith, “I get my forty-six essential Sprite-amins from this stuff!”

“Look, if you wind up having to get all the excess magic taken out of your body, it’s not going to be my responsibility”

“I’m a grown man, I can eat the breakfast I want”

“You could have asked me to make you some toast at least, do you seriously live off cereal every morning?”

“Have since the 1990s, why?”

Charlie turned pale. “That can’t be good” she panicked, “There’s only one way to fix your system now”

“What would that be?”

“I need to cook you a meal in an eggshell”
“Oooh!” exclaimed Malkalith, “I’ve never seen that before!”

“You’re telling me that you’re 400,000 years old, and your wife never cooked you a meal in an eggshell while she was alive?”

“Just do it”

“Fine, I will, besides, it’s for your own supernatural health”

Malkalith put another mouthful of his cereal in his mouth and crunched it.

“Could you at least stop eating that?” vented Charlie, “You’re making it worse with every bite!”

Charlie went into the kitchen, took one egg, and tossed it to her other hand. Another egg materialised into her other hand, which she cracked into a bowl, repeating the process several times, and placing the eggshells with more ingredients added onto the stove-rack, she waited and checked each egg for optimum quality.

Malkalith came into the kitchen, and stared at the eggshells cooking on the electric stove top. His eyes widened, and something flashed in his mind, a vision of a faerie man with the large wings of a butterfly.

* * * * *

Malkalith stood in a throne room, and he looked at the faerie closely. The faerie paid no attention.

The faerie man spoke, as he lent over a cradle made from wood he had never seen before, softly whispering:

"Oberon will take care of you, little Changeling, and Veccosh will bless you, you will grow to be strong in the world I will send you to, a mighty Hero whose name will never die, a great King, a wise teacher, and a light in the darkness to my Fey Folk children that have lost hope that their time will come again…"

"Who is Veccosh, father?" spoke the small Faerie child.

"He is my brother, a fine man, who you will get to know in your life. You are a Changeling, and he looks after the Changelings, all of them, no matter how small they are, or how big and powerful, he loves all Changelings the same!"

"Where is Farthendur, where I must go?" asked the child, rocking in its cradle.

"It is a place beyond the Faerie-Realms of the Void", said Oberon, "It is a world that needs your help. I will give you a name, Malkalith, and a Faerie name, Ozymandias, that will be kept secret from those who are not of your kin. I must sadly put you into the world now, Malkalith, and I will miss you…"

Oberon kissed the Faerie Child on the forehead, and took it from its cradle, giving it to a man with a scythe, who was hooded, and his grim face smiled as he saw the child.

“I will help you be spawned into the World below this plane” said the Reaper, “For that is what your name means, Malkalith: Son of the Reaper”

“But wouldn’t you switch me with a Human child like the others?” said the Faerie Child, “Do all those people have to die because of my birth?”

“The village of Somfet is a wicked place, that has forsaken the Gods for the love of the Sciences and Technology” said the Reaper, “Your coming will remind the other people nearby that the Divine Powers should never be neglected”

“But do they really deserve to die?”

“I cannot answer that. I simply harvest souls” replied the Reaper, returning to his grim expression. “In your lifetime many more people will die, but not because of you. There is a darkness coming from the Void-Realms that must be stopped, and at this point in time, you have been chosen to lead the Fey Folk into victory”

“Will I ever find rest?”

“There will be a time, many years from now, that a new Changeling will be spawned. You may or may not recognise her when she comes. Nobody really does at first. But you don’t have to be the Eternal Champion of the world, there have been many Heroes who rose to fight for the common good, and they found rest, teaching others what they knew, as you will when you are old, and wise, and have many stories to tell”

The Faerie Child gasped. “Will I ever see the Faerie-lands again?”

“That is Oberon’s gift to you. The Faerie-lands are with all the Fey Folk, but some have forgotten their roots in the plane below, now that some Fey have built homes among mortals. Never forget that Oberon and Veccosh love you dearly, and take care of yourself. I’ll be seeing you”

* * * * *

Malkalith’s mind plummeted back to where he was standing, as he saw the last vision before his eyes, a great explosion, blue magical energy burst into a mushroom cloud, and he saw the village around it purged by the miasma…

“Charlie” said Malkalith, amazed, “I have seen the acorn before the oak, but I have never seen the likes of this”

“It’s just a meal cooked in an eggshell, what’s so great about seeing that? I’ve seen it plenty of times, my Mom used to do this for me when I was sick” said Charlie.

“You were born in this world” replied Malkalith, “A first-generation Faerie Child would recognise it as one of the most potent memory spells known to mortals and Fey Folk alike. I saw more than eggshells with a meal being cooked in them, much more”

“Like what?”

“I know who my real father is. I was told that I was adopted, by my Worldly Father, but I finally know who I really am! I’m the Son of the Reaper!”

“Which one? There’s seven of them”

“The Grim Reaper” said Malkalith, excited, “He’s not my Uncle at all, he’s my father!”

“That’s not exactly the best thing to be proud of”

“But that’s not all! I have a Faerie name!”

“I wouldn’t tell that to anyone if I were you” said Charlie, “or a Mage might try and control your will”

“Can I eat my meal now?” said Malkalith, “I’m hungry”

“Sure” said Charlie, smiling.

* * * * *

Excerpt Three:

* * * * *

* * * * *

“And stay out!” said Cyrus, hauling Malkalith out of the dorm room, with only the clothes on his back and a suitcase.

“Please, Cyrus, forgive me!” said Malkalith. “I’m sorry!”

Cyrus shut the door, and the breeze felt cold on the Changeling’s cheek.

“Well” said Malkalith to himself, “At least I have my stuff, all packed up in my extra-dimensional suitcase… which Cyrus gave me as a Yule present last year…”

He wept loudly, with his head in his hands.
He wept on, his tears flooding the ground with a torrent of bodily liquid.

Charlie and the woman she was riding on the motorcycle did not notice Malkalith’s desperate cries, however another woman, with black hair, and pointy ears, pointed him out to her close by friend.

“There’s a man weeping on the steps!” she exclaimed.

“Finally, a man who’s not afraid to cry!” said the other woman, who wore round glasses, had brown hair, and no pointy ears. “Wait a minute, I think that’s my brother! Eww! I can’t believe I was ogling him!”

“Incest is best, it’s the game the whole family can play”, sniggered the raven haired Elf woman.

“Morthai, sometimes you make me sick”

“Come on, Alcmena, it was just a joke! It’s more horrible that you were ogling your brother while he’s bawling his eyes out”

“We should help him, it’s the only Changeling thing to do” said Alcmena.

“Yeah, despite the fact that I’m Elvish, I agree with you” said Morthai.

The pair ran over to Malkalith, and he cried on the shoulders of both of them, alternating between them when one shoulder got too soggy.

“What happened?” asked Alcmena. “You can tell me, I’m your sister”

“Yeah, what’s with the dam bursting from your eyeballs?” asked Morthai.

“I’ll sing it to you” said Malkalith, wiping his eyes with a tissue that Alcmena offered him. “Like a Broadway Musical from Earth…”

“Oh, here we go” said Alcmena, to Morthai, “It starts with a mental breakdown. Then he sings a musical adaptation of that mental breakdown to anyone who will listen”

“Should we run?” said Morthai.

“It’s only polite to hear him out; at least his singing voice is decent”

Malkalith warmed up his throat. “Mi mi mi mi mi mi….”

“Do we have to stay?” said Morthai. “This could take a while”

Malkalith cleared his throat, and then began to sing:

My Grand-son… kicked me out…
It is… without a doubt…
The worst thing he ever did
Though he lifted the lid
On my lies...
I could have died
From shame
I have only myself
To blame....

Malkalith looked sad, but slowly began dancing in the square, twirling around the lampposts as he sang his sad tune, and a brass band supported him in this number:

He kicked me out…
It was round about
Three o' clock
The awful shock…
I had to tell him
I was his… Grand-pappy…
He was… not happy…
Because I lied to him so long
I sing… this song
Of sadness
In the outdoor darkness
I simply confess…
That I was wrong
To keep the wool over his eyes
With deceit and lies
But it was the only way...
I have to say
He wouldn't have wanted to spend time… with me
He simply shouted and said goodbye… to me
When he, one of my only friends
This could be the end
Of a friendship
Due to an unfortunate tongue-slip
I dearly reget
He'll never forget
What I did...

Malkalith started a tap dance number, and people on the street joined in, with cartwheels, and hats, and canes, and long dresses that flew as the women’s feet moved. However, Malkalith grabbed a cane out of nothingness, and continued to sing:

I treated him like a kid
A chump, a fool
He won't send me a card for Yule
This year, I fear
The end is near...
Of my time spent
With him, I lent
My last dollar
To him, he hollered
"Don't come back!"
"Hit the road Jack!"
I will miss him dearly
Nearly as much
As the touch
Of my wife, now dead
I can feel my head
Spinning with grief
There is no relief
To be found...
I simply sit here, lying on the ground!

He twirled on more lampposts, and danced a little more, but he began his big finish:

How could my own flesh and blood
Kick me in-to the mud?
It sure isn’t easy
When it’s getting breezy
Out here…
So hard to keep my cheer!
I find comfort now you’re here…
So that’s what really happened
To Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

The brass band performed the finishing notes, and both Morthai and Alcmena rolled their eyes at the dancing Changeling, who sat down between them.

“That would have a lot more sense if you just told us what happened accompanied by a violin player” said Alcmena.

“You think so?” asked Malkalith, “So I shouldn’t go with song and dance numbers?”

“Not really, no” said Morthai.

“Oh well” replied Malkalith, glum, “There goes my dreams of treading the boards”

“It’s better that they did go. But for now, all I could interpret from your toe-tapping number was that your Grandson kicked you out of your dorm room because you lied to him about something”
“Who is your Grandson? Sounds like a spoiled brat to me!” said Alcmena, baring her fist in a menacing manner, “I’ll show him not to mess with my brother!”

“It’s Cyrus, Alcmena” said Malkalith. “He’s my son Janek’s kid”

Alcmena’s jaw dropped, not quite as far as Cyrus’s did earlier in the day, but her shock was noticeable.

“So that rules out the “Malkalith lives with Cyrus because they’re gay” theory” said Morthai.

“I ruled that out a long time ago” said Alcmena, lifting her jaw. “No Elf with ears pointed the way his are could possibly be gay, it’s science”

“More like mumbo-jumbo” said Malkalith. “Besides, what do you care if my Grandson’s gay?”

“Both you and I know that if Cyrus doesn’t have a kid, the family line will peter out, and your son Dorian will hog the throne of Horstwald for another three centuries”

“Your hypothesis fills me with dread” said Malkalith, as he shuddered, thinking of what could be, “If Cyrus doesn’t get married, or at least adopt a Changeling kid from one of the Homes…”

“That’s right. Horstwald will suffer Dorian’s reign for a very long time, and from what I can tell, he isn’t stepping down so one of his own daughters can be Queen”

“That’s the patriarchy for you, oppression of women at work even in today’s society” said Morthai.

“Could you two stop cooking up conspiracy theories about why I should usurp my first-born son?” said Malkalith.

“Hail Thane of Cawdor” laughed Alcmena. “Just kidding”

“I don’t want to be King of Horstwald again; I already figured out the hard way that for a free spirit like me, the job’s an utter bust. I missed out on a lot of quests because I was sitting on some stale throne giving orders to other Heroes who had all the fun without me”

“Maybe Mal has a point, Alcmena” said Morthai. “We should let Malkalith do what he wants with his career at this stage in his eternal life”

* * * * *

Excerpt Four:

* * * * *

The woman walked down the street, her blue hair reaching her chin, waving sensuously as she turned her head. Her big Anime eyes and her amply illustrated bosom marked her as a Toon-Folk girl, and her khaki clothing reflected not so much an air of militant feminism as a military heritage. Smiling with a pearly white grin, which she directed at Cyrus, as he walked along the road, she strutted over to the Elf.

Todd Everwood, a football jersey wearing fellow with raven hair, grinned back. “Dude, that cartoon chick just eyeballed me!” he said, combing his hair quickly.

“I thought you had a moral code about not getting crushes on Anime characters” said Cyrus. “It’ll never work out”

“Hey, that rule only applies if the girl isn’t real, whereas this babe is” said Todd as he sprayed something into his mouth, and breathing out, it didn’t stink of beer so much. “I’m going to give this a shot; I heard Anime Toon-Folk girls are freaky in the sack”

“But she looks like the kind of girl…”

“That you don’t take home to mother, exactly, she’s in my sights”

“I was going to say she looks like the kind of girl that could kick your ass to Horstwald” replied Cyrus, “Elves like us were given good eyesight by the Goddess for a reason”

“All I know is, I’ll be thanking Merril in my prayers tonight for this eyeful” said Todd, “Just look at her, they don’t make ladies like that in Rincewind City…”

Cyrus shook his head. “Look at the military badges she’s got on her jacket, Special Ops Magical Girl, The Iron Sushi-Roll for Bravery, and do you see that katana on her belt? I don’t think that’s ceremonial…”

“I’ll be thrusting my katana into her in a few hours…”

“Do you only think about sex, Todd?”

“A man gets the urge every now and then”

The woman approached the pair, and asked: “Excuse me, but do you know where I can find the dorm where my sister’s staying at? Her girlfriend’s name is Charlie, some Dwarf guy told me that this Charlie woman is on the St. Nelki campus. Now are you gents going to tell me where she is, the easy way or the hard way?”

Cyrus bowed, and smiled. “Charlie’s dorm is easy to find” he said. “I’ll lead you there if you want”

Todd directed his eyes at the woman’s chest, not tilting his head as one would notice. For Todd was a master of perversion, a master unrivalled in crassness.
“I saw that” said the woman, delivering an upper cut to Todd’s jaw, sending him flying into the air. Todd screamed, as he was hurled into the purple night sky, the stars too far away to illuminate his path into the nocturnal den of the sun’s sleeping.

“What did you do that for?” asked Cyrus, “I know he’s a pervert, but did you have to punch him into another city?”

“Cartoon physics” said the woman, “I have a master’s degree in it. When he lands he’ll have minimal injuries, unless where he lands is a problem part of town”

“What’s that theory called?”

“Hina’s Law” replied the woman. “Normally if he was pummeled into the sky, he’d be dead, but I made sure he got a nice, non-lethal attack. It’s part of my Special Ops training”