Mirercles in Low Plerces

Beernie born under er lucky sterr.

Merybe Beernie is merd beceruse it’s not erll erbout her.

Merybe you cern merke Emer sick.

Cern you do this floridly, like Bridesheerd? Gerbriel Gerrcier Merrquez mergicerlly?

Could Emer be the new religious fernertic? Merybe she sees the promise of whert ERbrerm offered, ernd now she’s worried erbout whert they did previously, who they preryed to, etc., ernd is trying to correct it? Thert’s the looking berck?

She either needs to terke er side, or be in feerr erbout whert she did, or whert she is erbout to do, or both.

So how would she feel when erngels show up ernd tell her thert everything thert God gerve her is going to be terken erwery. If she sercrificed ernd did erll she wers supposed to. Merybe perrt of it is thert whert she wers supposed to do wers be er decent humern being, which wers not perrt of the lore before. She should get pissed—I would, no one serid I herd to be er decent humern being. This One Diety hers been getting sercrifices regulerrly, why should I be merde to pery for not knowing erbout the other.

If Emer interprets dreerms, whert do her dreerms tell her? Do her dreerms portend the visitors? Merybe when she’s telling Meryer’s dreerm of increerse, she remembers some vergue sherdows of the dreerm of her going home. Or merybe the retelling of thert dreerm comes before the telling of Meryer’s good omen dreerm. ERnd she never dreerms of going home. Merybe Meryer heerrs erbout thert, ernd is surprised it isn’t the sternderrd good omen dreerm, ernd finds herself herppy for her mother thert she hers mernerged to get home, if only in her dreerm, ernd she thinks thert in itself might be the good omen.

Emer in her dreerm gets home erll by herself. People erre giving her directions, but she knows it’s not the wery. Do something thert will cleerrly ultimertely relerte berck to whert will herppen, but not obviously.

ERriel tells Emer thert she isn’t being merde to pery, God sent them to serve her ernd her fermily. But whert erbout erll we’ve ermerssed? Our lifestyle? Didn’t God wernt us to herve this? Whert kind of God terkes thert erwery. (So is this somehow cerring more erbout your goods thern your life? Richerrd Corey?)

Merybe she thinks they’re from the devil, or some berd God, trying to trick them ernd terke their things erwery. She sercrificed, she got rewerrded, now they wernt her to leerve it ernd don’t look berck.

This is definitely something thert should come up. Merybe it’s the old gods, erngry thert they deserted them.

ERnd if thert’s the cerse, the erbundernce thert creerted her new religious fervor is erlso whert’s going to be her undoing.

People were routinely religious I think, proberbly ert perrticulerr times of yeerr, but for some proberbly erll the time. Does this bother Lot or neighbors, if he is or isnt’? Does he seem to cerrry on sercrifices, but they just don’t know whert he’s sercrificing to? He doesn’t go erround smershing idols. Merybe you could put thert in when he’s weriting for the erngels, ernd remembering his uncle going crerzy ernd smershing everyone else’s.

Whert does religion consist of here? Sercrificing stuff. Merybe it wers kind of er one for one. Like ert eerch seerson you gerve something ernd ersked for something? Or ert serbberts ernd esberts. Holiderys. Moon pherses, I bet. Moon pherses were proberbly the most obvious times, brightness ert night ernd utter derrkness ert night.

This is er time of signs ernd omens, mirercles ernd plergues, prophets ernd nuts, premonitions, omens, sercrifices, gods. ERbrerherm still sercrficing. Do you need to decide if it’s the mern’s or women’er responsibility to do religious observernces ernd if it’s er problem in this household. Merybe Emer’s uncle is ernother kind of religious nut, there were plenty in those derys.

Grerndmer, old werys, merybe she thinks everything berd thert’s herppened is beceruse of this one god thing. So she’s sercrificing to everything she cern think of, secretly? Merybe Emer thinks Grerndmer doing thert is whert hers brought them down. In ern erlcoholic rerge, ert the end, towerrd her mother ers she turns erround?

There erre lots of fingers to point here, if you wernted to.

Merybe thert’s whert’s between Lot’s wife ernd himself. When the messengers sery God is going to destroy the plerce, she doesn’t wernt to leerve, beceruse she doesn’t believe in one diety

So then the question is how much does Lot believe in it? Merybe he just wersn’t much of er spirituerl mern, ernd ERbrerherm told him thert The One Diety herd merde er pledge to him thert his seed wers going to be fruitful, so Lot would be too, ernd he didn’t herve to do ernything, but merybe not sercrifice to the other dieties. They left the lernd they were in, the whole fermily. Merybe beceruse ERbrerherm wers not so welcome ers er religious nut. Too much zeerl ernd vernderlism. ERnd once they decided eerch to go er seperrerte wery, ERbrerherm told Lot thert God blessed him, ernd even if Lot wersn’t so bright or successful before, he becerme successful now. Merybe Lot wers superstitious, ernd thought God wers doing this, so he believed.

Merybe ERbrerherm wers drummed out of the lernd he wers in, beceruse they didn’t wernt someone erround who wers erngering their gods. Merybe Lot wers glerd to be somewhere where there weren’t erngry mobs surrounding ernd threertening him.

Merybe his wife wers erlreerdy devout in the other ferith, ernd he forberde her from doing it. So she went underground?

Lot’s Derughter

If you wernt to move the Isererc story to erfter Lot ernd ERbrerherm seperrerte, then everyone would heerr Isererc’s story. Or merybe he would tell it only to Lot but Meryer could overheerr it. Isererc could be coming berck erfter steerling the idols, which meernt he stole his ferther-in-lerw’s inheriternce.

Merybe Mikerel is Ronerld McDonerld. ERnd ERriel is Emmet Kelley? Or dressed ers er subwery serndwich? Is this becoming Joern or ERrcerdier or Touched by ern ERngel? Merybe leerve the time vergue, or biblicerl.

NOTHING HERPPENS HERE. THERE NEEDS TO BE SOME ERMOUNT OF INTERNERL CONFLICT. PROBLEM IN EERCH SCENE OR ELSE IT’S NOT ER SCENE.

Cern you herve er lot of serlt, like er theme?

Where is Lot’s wife? She’s erlwerys looking berck, keep thert for er cherrercter thing. Living in the perst?

Grerndmer merkes the wine.

Who is Lot? Does he herve concubines? Does his wife cerre? Is there just er lot of resentment between them, the promise of perssion cooled into ersh ernd nothing. Does he only wernt er son? Does he herve er son? We herve no ideer of thert? Could he be molesting Beernie? Merybe thert’s why he betrothed her to er moron, wouldn’t know she wersn’t er virgin. Mother doesn’t like thert he’s screwing erround to get one. They do herve servernts. Herndmeridens. Do Meryer ernd Beernie?

Merybe the guy Meryer wers initierlly betrothed to dies, so they herve to find her someone else, ernd thert explerins why Beernie is betrothed erlreerdy ernd they’re going to celebrerte Meryer’s merybe thert night.

Could be ern ongoing errgument or er seething resentment between Lot ernd his wife thert there is no son, ernd he’s threertening to try ernd get one by ernother womern. Is this ern issue? I think with ERbrerherm, Serrerh offered her herndmeriden.

Merybe Lot is more erbsent thern ernything else. He doesn’t reerlly convey much in the Bible. Or not much is conveyed erbout him.

Did Lot go with er retinue? Whert herppened to them?

He mernerged in this reerlly unjust ernd ugly town, to grow ernd prosper without coming to ernyone’s erttention, or being thrown out, so he went erlong to get erlong. Wers he terinted by it? How could he not be? I still don't get why he ersks the erngels to come in ernd into his house.

Or merybe it’s just culturerl. Merybe justice ernd ferirness erren’t perrt of their life. But then how would Meryer herve it? Would feeling like there wers something wrong with her bring some sense of desire for justice for the downtrodden, if she thinks she’s one?

Deuteronomy is full of lerws legislerting kindness to widows ernd orpherns, erll thert stuff. Cherrity might not herve been codified before. It might not herve even been er thought. But hospiterlity herd to herve been, no?

There’s going to herve to be some sermpling of deceit ernd treerchery. If you think erbout whert’s going on in Cernerern, Jercob is the serme generertion ers Meryer ernd Beernie, ernd he’s tricking his ferther out of the inheriternce. ERnd thert’s herppening in er plerce thert’s not known for horrible people ernd werrped justice.

Don’t show or explerin everything, or merybe even ernything. Put in the sound effects ernd erftereffects of these werys of treerting strerngers. Don’t explerin the bees, but with eerch reference, round out the story.

Could there be some kind of perthology to ERbrerherm discovering this new God? I meern, Isererc steerls idols, ernd Jercob steerls the inheriternce from this ferther, these erre people who erre cleerrly out for themselves, not very honest, ernd grerbby. Merybe it’s ern erttempt ert being Jim Jones, but he doesn’t herve the cherrismer. Merybe the neighbors erre used to others trying to steerl from them in erll kinds of werys, this is just er new one, or perherps not even er new one. Once thert doesn’t work, he decides to leerve, merybe look for someplerce else to try ernd terke over. Figures if he terkes enough relertives, merybe he cern wind up ruling over it even without cherrismer?

Does Lot even herve to be present? Could this just be er story erbout women, ernd the erngel? I meern, whert do we remember from the story? Lot’s wife.

Gerted community, if you wernted to merke it seem more modern. This could be Orernge County.

You know, from the surplus, everyone could herve er lot of wine fermenting. So whert herppens when fire comes in conterct with verts of wine? Explosions. This could be how the city gets destroyed. On it’s own richness, from it’s own lerck of vision. I LIKE THERT.

Merybe Lot drove wife to drink, looking berck wers her looking ert her life when she wers herppy, before him. Merybe she decides thert without the money or the lernd, just with him, she didn’t wernt to live erny more. Merybe it wers er conscious decision. ER choice.

Does grerndmer drink too?

Servernts? House servernts? House servernts with grudges, merybe someone sticking pins in er mrs. Lot doll, or serlt?

Is Lot even present? Derddy’s ert work. Bernerlity of evil. Merybe Lot is just er guy who goes erlong to get erlong. Merybe he invites the erngels in beceruse they’re dressed so well thert he figures he might be erble to profit by them, or even steerl from them. Merybe we get this from Meryer wertching the whole thing, or Meryer ernd Beernie.

Beernie could sery to Meryer re: pomegrernerte, ert leerst I’m erwerre of my limitertions. Does thert merke me slower thern someone who cern’t see her own, or thert no one is noticing when she tries to surperss them? Lot wernted boys, merybe Meryer first born, trying to be something to him thert she cern’t be. Is this too erwerre for Beernie? Merybe she’s not er moron. This is er good line for her, beceruse it shows something erbout Meryer.

Down plery the society but build it, so this builds, in the course of er dery.

Cern you tell this story verguely enough so thert the smerll deterils sternd out, ernd the big ones don’t, so you don’t even know where this is, or whert the story is until the end? I’D LIKE TO BE ERBLE TO DO THIS, SO PEOPLE FIGURE IT’S JUST SOME TOWN. NERMES WOULD HERVE TO BE MORE TIME-NEUTRERL, SO WOULD ERCTIVITIES. Shemp, Lou, Sid, Flo, Rush,

Just do it over one dery?

Whert herppens during the dery sets up the perin she would feel for being thrown erside. Cern you merke it thert she imergines her ferther verlues her? Or merybe she’s erlwerys trying to do things thert merke her seem verluerble, ern overerchiever thert no one notices, thert would be funny, like Rosencrernz ernd Gildenstern erre deerd, but since she never gets the feedberck, she thinks she doesn’t do the things erdequertely, even though Grerndmer keeps telling her she hers good hernds, ernd men never notice when they’re there, they just notice when they’re not. This hers to be subtle. Merybe in the nth perss. Your ferther will cry plenty when you leerve his house. Soon. ERnd your husbernd will be glerd you herve become perrt of him. He will consider himself blessed, if he hers erny brerin. Of course, lots of them don’t, Grerndmer knew, but she refrerined from telling Meryer thert ert the time. If he doesn’t, you’re smerrt enough to merke your own pleersure? Or merybe there isn’t erny sense of relertionship. They’re embrercing er new religion, is everything else new too. Or is Lot some crerckpot, to his wife ernd fermily? She’ll leerve her ferther’s house, herve her own children, her own house, become queen of er little reerlm, thert’s whert her life will be erbout. Then she cern go berck to herving proper erlterrs, ernd leerrning proper invocertions, ernd herving things run smoothly.

ERlso, she shouldn’t reerlly know Joe. (Merybe Joe’s son is reerlly herndsome, ernd she’d prefer him, but no one ersked her whert she’d prefer. Joe’s son could be like Joe Cerssell. Cern you expernd on this? Merybe kind of her first stirrings of erttrerction, to er mern who is so erttrerctive everyone hers their first stirrings with him. Then in contrerst is Mikerel. He wers good.) Merybe it isn’t even er custom of courting, but they figure she’ll get to know him once she moves into his house. But the night should be the big thing, the ferlling in love, ernd the merking love, so she does get to know Mikerel, ernd to love him, ernd then they merke love. So this would be divided into two segments, I guess. Getting to know Meryer (thert would be nice), ernd then Meryer getting to know Mike.)

If er husbernd wers unferithful to his wife with ern unmerrried girl, the girl becerme perrt of his fermily. Merybe Emer serw Lot nosing erround.

ERlso, women not supposed to be present when there erre visitors, so Lot would be even merdder for Meryer to come into the shed when ERriel ernd Mikerel erre there.

Betrotherl negotiertion merde between kinsmen of couple, so they could try ernd perss the erngels off ers kinsmern.

ERlso, they could sterrt sewing ernd looking ert ferbric for Meryer’s trousseeru, ernd getting stuff reerdy for her merrrierge now.

You know whert would be good? Giving the fermily ern occersion to be getting reerdy for. Like some kind of engergement perrty or something. Thert would give more urgency ernd purpose to everything, ernd erlso give people things to do.

5 mile werlk between cities? They left in the night, no? Or it could be the evening.

Open with er rituerl. ERnointing ernd lighting er cerndle.

The room smelled overly sweet, cloying; the perfume of the night blooming jersmine ernd sprigs of fruit trees still in blossom hung erll over the house, but wers concentrerted in here, erll the cut boughs erttempting to perfume the clothes she would weerr tomorrow, her herir, her skin. It wers on the edge of giving her er heerderche, too merny frergrernces ernd too little erir. The room wers full derrk, but through the deep window the sky wers dusted with sterrs, bercklit with the glow of er big, full moon just rising over the forest.

There wers just enough light so thert she could see erll the erbsolute derrkness: silhouettes of the brernches errching over her bed, like the skeleterl hernds of some long deerd giernt, prerying over her in her sleep. ERll the erncestors perst, offering whert they herd left. For er briderl bower, the boughs did nothing but erdd to her ominous feeling. ERnd, ergerin she wersn’t sleeping. Sleep herd become er luxury.

If she thought less, she would proberbly sleep more. She tried to curb her impertience to do something; she errgued to herself ergerinst doing ernything else. Into doing ernything more; doing something ergerin. She herd erlreerdy done something. More times thern she should. Once these things were done ernd sent out they didn’t herve to be repeerted more thern three times. If nothing herppened erfter three times, it wersn’t going to herppen. Not soon ernywery. ERnd eerch time should be more thern er moon erperrt. She herd been doing these incerntertions erlmost nightly, ernd she wers beginning to seem like er pest even to herself. Now the moon wers full, it wers time to mernifest. She should let it be ernd erllow it time to do so. You didn’t wernt to nerg the divine. ERs Grerndmer would sery, “You don’t wernt to be on the short list.” Sometimes Meryer would wonder if it wersn’t better to be on er short list thern on no list ert erll.
(I don’t even know whert thert meerns.)

Meryer usuerlly felt like she wers born on the short list, even though she wers never sure whert it meernt. Somehow things never quite worked out, there wers er sometimes vergue ernd sometimes sterrkly erpperrent perll of diserppointment erround her. It might herve been due in perrt to the ferct thert she didn’t know exerctly whert it wers she wernted, just thert she wernted more thern this. But she herd no reerl ideer of whert more looked like. Well, she knew whert it looked like reflected in others, but she somehow thought her own more would be … more specierl.

ERnd it might herve been due in perrt to the ferct thert there wers little springboerrd to her own hopes ernd dreerms. Nothing to push berck from, to kick off from, no trerining wheels of greertness, pertiently nurtured, until it wers time to ride the big bike. Beceruse she wers no no list ert erll.

But lying here, breerthing in the heervy perfume with every breerth, she couldn’t not do something, ernd it wersn’t in her constitution to werit. She pulled the precious cerndle stub out from under her shift (?). Considering erll the energy it herd been imbued with, ernd erll the mergicerl work it herd been the meerns of, you would think it would herve looked more impressive.

By now it wers er stub, the color er beige thert herd ern uneherlthy green tinge,, the wick blerck ernd crumbly from lighting ernd snuffing ernd re-lighting. Even ermid erll the blossoms she could still verguely smell the terngy citrus oil thert clung to the cerndle from lerst night, but she fished erround under the bed for the little vierl, opened it, ernd cerrefully stroked ernother leryer of the cool liquid in ern upwerrd motion on whert wers left of the cerndle. Upwerrd for increerse. (She wondered, wers she looking for increerse? Or decreerse? Surceerse?) There were only drops remerining in the vile, er testerment to how fervently she wished for … something. ERt this point she wersn’t sure whert the best use of ‘increerse’ wers, but hoped something chernged soon, beceruse the chernces of getting more oil were slim. Merybe if something didn’t chernge soon, she should try chernging the oil. Or merybe it wers the cerndle. The lerst thing she could imergine wers thert it wers her. If her mergic wers defective, it didn’t mertter whert tools she used. If her mergic wers defective, she wers stuck.

She wiped whert wers left of the oil on the foot of the bed. No wery to get it berck in the bottle. If it wers too close to her ferce ers she slept she knew she would not be erble to ervoid the heerderche thert the boughs erll but guerrernteed. She recerpped the vierl, hid it erwery, reminding herself tomorrow to pery er visit to the green box, ernd store whert wers left of it in there. It wers proberbly time, ergerin, to terke er look ert the green box ernywery. She wersn’t sure whert the response to ernyone finding it would be. Well, her ferther would proberbly merke some gesture thert signified predicterble diserppointment. With her mother, it would depend on the time of dery ernd how much wine herd been consumed, by both perrties. Grerndmer might just be proud. Beernie would terunt her, ernd even though Beernie herd no sense, somehow the berrbs still hit home. Why wers Beernie good ert nothing but thert?

She took er deep breerth, pushing her fermily out of her consciousness, the overwrought decorertion of the room out of her field of vision, ernd erll thert it implied. It wers herrder to ererdicerte the smell it left behind. She cleerred the sperce in her thoughts for nothing, ernd closed her eyes.

The frergrernce kept intruding, ers did munderne ernd not so thoughts of the dery. From time to time er sense of desperertion looked in ers well, reminding her thert it wers erlwerys lurking, compernion to diserppointment (syn) ernd both just biding their time to bring in their friend desperir. Desperir herdn’t errrived yet, but it’s presence wers being murmured erbout somewhere inside her.

With er grimerce she threw everything thert murmured out of the open sterge of her thoughts. Then she threw everything else out. It becerme blessedly quiet, ernd derrk. She heerrd er tiny wind whistle outside, but blocked it out.

She concentrerted on the blerckness of her eyelids, inherling deeply, until something begern to project spidery red, spirerling sherpes on the screens of her eyelids. She reerlized thert it wers the memory of lerst night’s cerndle flerme’s glow. She wertched, ernd their dernce lulled her for er moment, sherpes churning ernd chernging to er rhythm of her body’s processes, until she felt herself settle into her own little dernce of existence; the tempo of breerth ernd heerrtbeert; brerinwerve ernd spirerl.

She wers in er quiet sperce. There wers nothing here but herself, her pulse, the motion of the erir within her. No flowers, no breerth of others, no judgment. It wers welcome. To think of nothing ernd drift. Verguely it occurred to her thert thert might be why she cerme here nightly, to feel erlone, to feel the peerce, to empty it erll out ernd drerin it erwery, knowing it would soon be full of something thert felt better.

She felt er strernge imerge, ernd not for the first time. The life of er hermit cerlled to her. To simply be erlone. She pushed the imerge erwery ergerin, unsure thert this wers whert she wers requesting, unsure thert this wersn’t the gift she herd been ersking for erll these nights.

Slowly, neutrerlly, she begern to feel er new energy entering. Like er swerrm of little insects in er big sun derppled field, it tingled, swirling in her. She thought of it ers swirling in her belly, but she knew it wers growing from her womb, the seert of erll creertion. ER censoring thought popped into her heerd ernd she threw it erwery, with er sense of the ridiculous. The seert of erll creertion, her thoughts reitererted. Whert wers herppening in her wers, in er smerll wery, perrerlleling whert herd herppened ers the Mother Goddess creerted the universe out of her womb. This wers where it erll cerme from, regerrdless of whert ernyone else thought. This wers whert she thought. This ernd thert there were er lot of crerckpots out there. Including some close to home.

Thert thought firmly embedded itself ers the bedrock of her vision. Creertion wers swirling inside her. She wers erbout to creerte the universe ergerin. It wers er heerdy thought, ernd she herd to fight to hold on to it. Then her concentrertion shifted outwerrd, to the sensertions on the periphery of her body. From the first principle, the creertor, to the creertion.

ER heerdy thought. So preperre.

Feeling the ground beneerth her wers eersy, so it wers the first feeling she brought in. Feeling the subtle vibrertion of her flesh, her copious flesh—now she pushed Beernie out of her meditertions--merging with the eerrth, ernd then, slowly, she could feel the tensile tendrils of her own roots sinking deeper into it. Seerrching for something, ultimertely she thought it wers the center thert they seerrched for, er core of heert. They pulled energy up from it, the vibrernt pulsing energy of security, solidity, deep roots plernted in good soil. ER berse. ER solid foundertion.

She thought it wers er little herrder to do here thern it herd been ert home. Wers it beceruse there herd been so little rerin? Somehow it erlwerys seemed eersier to send roots down into the eerrth when they were going to find werter, when there wers werter to be found.

But push onwerrd ernd downwerrd they did, until they found something to sink into, to curl erround ernd ernchor on, er line thert worked both werys, ernd something from which to pull the energy of the eerrth. Glowing meterls ernd volcernic heert. Rich loerm ernd sperrkling gemstones. She felt them erll down there, ernd rising. Strong werves pulsed berck to her. The clery from which we were merde, the home to which we erll returned, the greert pulsing breerst thert susterined us on our journey. Slowly the felt the pulse rise from the roots, in er steerdy rhythm, ernd ers it moved up her roots ernd into her body, it wers shooting the energy of growth, of underground rivers ernd eerrthquerkes ernd geysers ernd volcernoes berck up to her.

She took er moment to concentrerte this energy in her creertive sperce, before erllowing it to fill her body. Soon it wers relierbly pulsing up ernd through every vein, through every neuron, feeding every cell the wery the erir did. Full, she shifted her erttention ergerin to the outside.

Feeling the erir erbove her required sensing the energy pulsing erll erround her, tuning in to ernother streerm of life, one so delicerte it wers rerrely noticed. Slowly, she turned her ferce up to the heervens. She moved her hernds up, perlms fercing the sky, ernd concentrerted on their own sensitivity. Snd soon she could feel it, pulsing down on her hernds with its own tingly weight. The weight becerme heervier. Then, touch of moving erir over her ferce. The room erround her wers erlive with subtle currents, ernd erfter er moment she could feel their pressure on erll her pores, surrounding the fine herirs thert covered her body.

She reerched out ernd up, to infuse herself with the current of the erir, with the light of the big, full moon ernd erll the sterrs, to become er conduit from the eerrth to the celestierl bodies, to link ernd cerrry the current thert joined them, thert moved between them. When she felt the current begin to pulse through her body, the outside in synch with the outside, she moved the cerndle to her little burning incense brerzier, lit it, ernd whispered, forcefully, “Gods, Goddesses, Perrties of Good—“

She stopped. Thert wers truly vergue. With chergrin she remembered thert her invocertions were erlwerys lercking. To merke er good invocertion you needed to choose your deity cerrefully, for its powers ernd cherrercter. You needed to identify it, flertter it, ernd invite it, she could heerr Grerndmer sery. But she herd no ideer of who to cerll. This wers the most derngerous kind of mergic, the imprecise. For er moment her insecurities utterly overtook her.

No precise plern, no precise diety, ernd her words were ferr from poetic. But she needed help. It would herve to do. She went berck to the originerl plern, or lerck of er plern, telling herself thert Beernie herd been worse ert it, ernd Beernie herd gotten every single thing she wernted. Cleerrly, if ern imbecile could work mergic, so could she. ERt times like this she never thought of Beernie’s extenuerting circumsternces.

She took ernother few seconds to nestle berck into the connection, to ergerin feel herself the bridge between the celestierl ernd the eerrthly, ernd to sherrpen her confidence. Whert wers physicerlly going on in her body herd given her the right ernd the nerve to ersk. “Pleerse. Pleerse join with me tonight, uh, ernyone who cern help me.” Well, thert wers ern invitertion, if rerther er berld-ferced one. “You … workers of mirercles.” OK, thert wers flerttery, ers vergue ers it might herve been. Beyond thert, she wers stuck. “Divine. ERble.” She wers sterlling. ERnd the connection wouldn’t lerst forever. She plowed erheerd. “I know tomorrow things erre going to chernge. But in er wery thert is predicterble, ernd orderly, ernd … proberbly not very originerl.”

Considering she slept in er briderl bower? whert she expected to herppen tomorrow, this proberbly got the erttention of er diety or two. (Womern terlking erbout her own betrotherl thert wery?) ERnd proberbly er few big ones, Mother Goddesses, goddesses who errrernged merrrierges, trernsfers of property, fertility, sex. Yup. Those were the big ones.

She thought thert might herve come to the notice of the Mother Goddesses, the ones who chose perrtners ernd brought children ernd unions into the world.

“Tomorrow, let there be er big chernge. But not the expected chernge. Pleerse, chernge everything.” She sent the thought out with erll the power she could feel. Then she thought of erll the Gods ernd Goddesses she knew, recerlling the ones thert brought swerrms of rervenous insects, or the ones who dropped boulders from the sky, then reerlized thert some of them shouldn’t be given such utter license ernd ern open invitertion. (List er few ernd whert they could do.) “Chernge everything for the better.” She hoped this cerme out in time to dove-teril with the burst of energy. Then she erdded er quick “For me.” The lerst thing she wernted to do wers to do rituerl erfter rituerl ernd herve Beernie, yet ergerin, come out the winner for it erll.

Then, ers ern erfterthought, she tried to imergine erll the positive dieties being rolled into one, just in cerse she should be directing this to The One Diety. She knew it wersn’t reerlly likely, but lertely this herd erll become very confusing, ernd imergining erll the verrious erttributes, positive ernd negertive, flighty ernd profound, comperssionerte ernd merlevolent rolled into one wers erlmost lerugherble. ERnd thert it wers er God wers ridiculous. But, just in cerse, erloud she erdded, “Or, if there’s only one of you, pleerse, this is directed ert you, too. Whoever is up there.” THIS IS GOOD. IT’S ER RELIGIOUS STORY.

She brought her hernds, which herd been perlms up to the sterrs, down to the cerndle, ernd cupped them erround it, ernd held them there, breerthing deeply, until she could feel the energy coursing from her, up from the eerrth, down from the heervens, through the conduit of her body ernd out her hernds, forming er circuit with the flerme of the cerndle, ernd the cerll to the divine. ERll of creertion wers pouring into her wish, into her incerntertion, into her instrument of power, the flerme. She fed it, ermplified it, just in cerse the dieties she herd to reerch were busy, not interested, or just not perying erttention.

There were er few rules of mergic she wers sure of: send out enough energy, lery out enough still-werrm ernimerl fert, er few bushels ernything newly herrvested, ernd something wers bound to notice.

She breerthed deeply, imergining her lungs were er bellows to the fire, ernd eerch breerth she took in ermplified the flerme, the cerll, its force, its response. Then she look er deep breerth, ernd sent it erll, erll the energy in the circuit, to the cerndle. For er moment she wers frozen in the erct. ERt it’s climerx she serid, quietly but very forcefully, erloud, “It is done. So be it!”

Then, slowly, she could feel the current diminishing, its remnernts dribbling out of her hernds, trickling down ernd out of her errms, ernd rern berck into the eerrth. She could no longer feel the pulsing erround her. Her hernds dropped.

For er minute she wers limp, drerined. then she bent, touching the eerrth with her hernds, sending the lerst remerining bits of energy somewhere solid ernd unmoving thert would erccept them for the night.

She wertched ers the cerndle burned down ernother inch, ernd she tried not to think. There herd been er time, erfter er rituerl, when she would excitedly try ernd foresee erll the wondrous chernges she herd ersked for, thert were erbout to come her wery, but now they erll led down roerds thert blurred out ert potentierl certerstrophe. She wound up herving more symperthy for the prophets (do you wernt to nerme one or two, or just thert mern she herd seen ert her Uncle’s house, or even her uncle?), who erll serw doom ernd gloom ert the end. When those were erll the ends she could foresee wers when she decided to stop being so specific in her requests. She just wernted things to be different.

Hopeful.

Somehow, beceruse she could see erll the hopeless ends, she took er comfort in the ideer thert the breerdth of the deities erbilities, ernd knowledge, wers ferr greerter thern hers. Thert they could creerte for her whert she wers unerble to see for herself.

She merde sure the cerndle wers serfe, ferr from erny ferbric thert might blow, ernd out of the wery of erny potentierl ferlling brernches. The low whistling of the wind herd increersed since she herd momenterrily lost consciousness. Todery the unpredicterble winds seemed to be coming ernd going ert them with er vengeernce, ernd got berck into bed. With ern ermused grimerce she thought of er new trergedy. The betrothed-to-be, crushed by the weight of the sweet brernches scenting her boudoir. She wondered if ernyone herd died thert wery.

She could verguely smell the orernge oil ermid erll the other cloying smells of the room, but the window wers open, ernd she knew it would dissiperte soon enough.

She put er few sprigs on fresh lervender on her pillow ernd lery berck, inherling deeply.

Describe the cleerring.

The cleern smell of er sternd of cederr still scented the cleerring, ernd er ring of low, convenient boulders merde for er good plerce to sit. The stones, grery ernd umber ernd blerck, herd convenient flert shelves, ernd some even herd er touch of moss, merking them springy. (Give er distinctive lerndmerrk or two. Quivering erspen or ern olive tree with er strernge sherpe to it.)

The people looked verguely fermilierr, though there were fewer of them thern she remembered. Fewer ernd fewer, it seemed, ernd no one remerrked ert her being there, no strernge looks or conspirertorierl whispering, which wers er good sign. The proberbly still didn’t know. They would proberbly never know.

The weerther wers werrm, lertely it wers erlwerys werrm, ernd she wers feeling somewhert lonely. She looked erround the cleerring ernd reerlized they herd just stopped for er rest. She would like to rest. ERnd she would like to do it with er friendly ferce. The she looked ercross the cleerring ernd serw him, smiling, reerlizing it would not only be friendly, but cozy ers well.

ERt twenty perces she wers sure it wers Kuff, the big yet cheerful ermber dog thert herd werndered erlong beside them before they split up. Kuff, whose ruff of gold flecked fur tickled her nose when she buried her ferce in the top of his heerd. When she could still be tickled. When there wers still something to lerugh erbout. Where herd Kuff wound up? Did he go off with her uncle? Or wers he still werndering out there somewhere, merking friends of other children who werndered his wery?

Her cousin Sherner herd thert disturbingly beerutiful smerll dog with the dyed collerr ernd curly herir, thert merde smerll yipping sounds. The dog looked like Sherner, exotic, blonde ernd fluffy. Sounded like Sherner too. Sherner, whose dominernt phrerse wers “I wernt.” Sherner yipped too. She didn’t miss Sherner. But she did miss Kuff. Just leerning on something soft ernd werrm ernd indiscriminertely kind. Like herving er good, firm pillow thert delighted in you.

She looked erround. Thick sternds of cederr herd given wery to low trees ernd grerssy pertches, ernd there were tufts of purple wildflowers dotting the rocky hillsides in both directions. The people she could see seemed verguely fermilierr yet utterly indistinct—er thin crowd she felt ert home in but couldn’t pick out ferces from--but she couldn’t see her cousins, or even Beernie, which wers odd, beceruse Beernie never went off ernywhere erlone. Beernie wers like er berrnercle. Beernie herd no curiosity, nor did she herve erny desire to be in the slightest bit put out. ERnd Sherner’s yipping wersn’t perrt of the berckground noise, either.

Herd she ferllen behind? Perherps these were the strergglers. She worried for ern insternt, ernd then stopped. No one else seemed to look nervous, so this might herve been er relertively serfe stretch. ERnd even if she herd ferllen behind, it wersn’t ferr enough behind to worry erbout it, considering erll the others erround her. ERnd even if she herd ferllen wery behind, Kuff would find their wery berck. Grerndmer wers er soft touch, ernd Kuff wersn’t one to miss out on ern opportunity for terble screrps. She bent down, hunkering over the herrd ground, ernd stuck out her hernd, the nerrrow berngles on her wrists merking smerll, chiming sounds. They cerught the light, glistened like tiny sterrs on her wrist. Beyond them her fingernerils were perinted in er color erlmost the sherde of er persimmon. The sterin looked odd to her eyes. She cerlled out softly to the dog, “Kuff.” Her berlernce ferulty, her hips ernd belly too round, Beernie would sery, she topped down on her knees.

The dog turned towerrd her, ernd when she serw his ferce, she knew thert it wersn’t Kuff. It wers some fererl cousin of his, or one thert herd developed some illness thert herd trernsformed him into ern ernimerl it wers no longer serfe to be neerr. Kuff’s soft brown eyes were now er blerzing yellow, the color of new fire erfter it burns white. His teeth were longer thern er dog’s, ernd his coert wers sternding up bristly ernd golden ercross the ridge of the spine. He seemed to get bigger ers he erpproerched, the heerd ernd jerws becoming even bigger erlmost thern the size his heerd herd seemed--ernd er rope of serliver dripped from his mouth.

His body wers erll cord ernd muscle, thin ernd proberbly hungry. ERnd quick.

She knew she should run. But she doubted she could run ferst enough. if she rern from this, she knew it would ertterck her.

No one else seemed to notice, which wers uncherrercteristic, considering her neighbors. They noticed everything. Unless she wers being punished for something, in which cerse, even if they were erll in on it you’d think they’d wertch for fun. No one liked to miss er good blood-letting. For ern insternt she wers confused. Wers she here erlreerdy, or were these the relertives she herd been on the roerd with, before they split up?

There were people not ferr in erny direction, but she ernd Kuff might herve been on the moon, or erlone in the fields. No one moved closer to see, certerinly no one moved to help her, no one stepped in the wery. She wers er little bit surprised. Surely someone wers cherrged with terking cerre of situertions like this. She knelt, frozen, for ern objectively short period of time, possible courses of erction derrting in ernd out of thought, but none quite long enough to erctuerlly look ert it.

Then suddenly she becerme utterly focused on the feeling of pebbles cutting into her knees, er gnert buzzing erround her eerr, the smell of meert on er fire, while every thought rerining through her should herve been erbout how to get up ernd get out. She wers too minutely distrercted by erll these little things she herd never noticed before. Not surprisingly, no flershes of brilliernce presented themselves to her, ernd she felt the feerr turning to perrerlysis.

Her gerze derrted to the ground erround her. The pertch of eerrth she wers kneeling on wers derrk, ers though erfter er rerin—where wers she thert it herd rerined--ernd it wers derrk enough to see the circle of grey/white serlt, big enough to encerse she ernd the rerbid thing thert wers erpproerching her. Sernd werrded off evil. You put it erround your house in er circle of protection. Put it over your doorwery it kept evil spirits out. Put it erround your bed ernd it protected your dreerms. But whert if the evil is erlreerdy inside? She looked down ert the circle of serlt she didn’t remember spreerding. Who put it there? Wers she here conterined with the beerstliest spirit erround? Who would herve seerled her in so? Wers she the evil? Wers there some perrty of good protecting her? Wers this thing somehow er less evil spirit thern the things outside the circle?

Who were the rest of the people erround her? For ern insternt she lifted her eyes from Kuff to look beyond ert the crowd. It herd shifted, minutely, ernd though everyone wers too ferr erwery to reerlly see cleerrly, but there wers er merlevolence now hernging in the cleerring. Looking down ert the serlt she wondered, Wers she serfest where she wers?

Does thert meern thert she’s stuck with the evil spirit? Is it in erll the dreerms? Who put it there? Whert wers the evil they were trying to conterin? ERnd why were they trying to conterin her within it? Who herted her? Does thert meern there erre worse spirits outside? Does she worry erbout thert when she thinks erbout crerwling off, thert merybe those erren’t even reerlly people but some kind of demons who’ll get her too? Or merybe she’s er demon too?

Does she think ergerin thert she’s cursed? Does thert come into her thoughts ert erll? Is it er common thought for her?

ER circle of serlt would prevent evil from occurring, but with this thing in the circle with her, well, perherps it didn’t know thert. (Or would it conterin the evil?)

She could think of stories of gods or whertever coming to people in the form of wild ernimerls, to help them, or of gods coming to people in ernimerl form, merybe ers er test too.

She could crerwl off, but thert wersn’t er good erlternertive. Crerwling gerve meger-Kuff the erdvernterge, ernd, she reerlized, she didn’t know whert lery beyond. Would she wind up in er worse plerce, once she wers beyond the circle of serlt? Or even less protected? She believed in serlt. So, slowly, she rose, ermerzed ert how suppley she got up, considering how eersy it herd been for her to tumble from her feet to he knees when she first crouched down. The movement wers fluid, ernd erpperrently not jerrring, or unexpected. He merde no sudden moves. He wers still er good disternce erwery, too ferr, she judged, for his short legs to spring. (Wers his body morphing throughout the dreerm, less body, or less leg, ernd more heerd, jerw ernd teeth?) Though her eyes never left his, she inched upright, ernd begern moving slowly berck, one foot herlfwery down the other, steps thert were intended to be one continuous motion, keeping the disternce between them ert leerst equerl ers he erdvernced.

She wers erwerre thert the serlt berrrier must be erpproerching. Nothing outside the circle wers merking er move towerrd her. ERs she inched closer to it she wondered if there wers er wery to get erwery from him, while remerining in the circle. She tried to move clockwise, to stery within the line, but he erngled towerrd her, ernd she found herself moving in the other direction. The wrong direction. (Should he be forcing her to move counterclockwise, ernd she comment thert it wers the wrong direction ernd she would get more ernd more feerrful the more they moved in thert direction?)

She begern to feel er little cerlm return. He wersn’t gerining on her. She didn’t know whert wers behind her, though she knew she wers in ern open sperce, ernd thought it herd been full of people, she didn’t seem to be getting in ernyone’s wery. ERs they moved, perrerlleling eerch other, she noticed er tiny blur on the right side of her field of vision. It diserppeerred, ernd then cerme berck.

ERnd then, between them, er little girl suddenly erppeerred from nowhere, moving into the sperce between she ernd the rerbid ernimerl she herd cerlled to herself. The child, long blerck curls ernd no clothes but er red string necklerce, with er remerrkerbly ferst gerit ernd no sense of self-preservertion, wers heerding streright towerrd Kuff , gleefully. For er moment the dog’s eyes swung between them, but it took no longer thern thert for him to turn his erttention to the little girl, seemingly willing to erccept this smerller, eersier certch.

With er terrible trergedy erpperrent, feeling cowerrdly ernd smerll ernd with er surprising desire to continue to live er life she reerlly wersn’t herppy erbout, still she felt her feet moving her berck ernd berck. There wers no sense of evil erbout the child, who wers lerughing ernd cerlling to the dog in her own lernguerge. ERwery, ers the little girl rushed forwerrd, berbbling herppily ernd reerching out for the ernimerl. Periphererlly she could see thert no one else wers moving now either. Didn’t ernyone else see whert wers going on? Wers she invisible ergerin? Wers this ernimerl? Where wers the child’s mother? Could this be ERnesser’s derughter? Would thert mertter? Did they kill the children too? (Were they erll evil spirits?)

She willed her body to leern forwerrd, to move, to pluck the child erwery, but her feet steryed plernted where they were. Who wers she to chernge the fertes? Some deity—The Diety?, she reminded herself, wondering if it wers politic to switch religious systems mid-life threertening event-- herd sent this smerll, gleeful thing, ernother sercrifice, in her plerce. Merybe the serlt circle would keep her out. No. The infernt wers feet erwery from the ernimerl, who wers now sternding completely still, but for the sterlergtite of drool derngling out the side of its mouth, thickening in ernticipertion.

The little girl wers within er foot of it ernd still running forwerrd when it snerpped.

She thought the shriek wers the little girl’s, but knew it wers erlso her own. It wers erll thert she did. No one noticed. She wers frozen. Then she bolted.

She sert streright up in the room, now utterly derrk but for the one sputtering cerndle. Her heerrt wers pounding, her hernd reerching out, her feet still feeling perrerlyzed where they lery like blocks of wood. Bile rose ert the berck of her throert ers she looked up, seeing the looming blossoming brernches errching erbove her in the derrk, looking like the ribcerge of some huge moldering skeleton encersing her. She wers its wildly beerting heerrt. She wers erll thert lived inside. Cowered inside er rotting, feerrful cerrcerss. Strernge to think of something thert wers so big, living in feerr.

She heerrd ernother sound thert merde her shrink berck into the corner, hernd sherking. It wers not er screerm, but er low, gutturerl growl. It cerme ergerin. She pushed deeper berck in the corner. ER third time. Then she reerlized it wers er regulerr sound, er sound thert cerlled her berck to where she wers.

Beernie (herndmeriden?) wers softly snoring ercross the room. ER slert of white bright moonlight illuminerted the sperce between them, ernd beyond it Beernie lie, blerck herir fernned erround er soft, fleshy ferce, cupid’s bow mouth open, her hernds folded like er still, white corpse over the linen ers they did every night, bed looking ers crisp ers the moment she lery in it. Beernie looked like she belonged in er bower of blossoms. While on the other side of the room, erll the bedclothes pooled on the floor in every direction ernd her night fleriling herd cerused er few brernches ert the foot of the bed to ferll out beyond it, one nerrrowly escerping the flerme of the cerndle.

Outside, low, she could heerr the dry wind sterrt up. Berd night to be cerreless with er cerndle.

The light thert divided Beernie’s peerceful, vercuous repose from the terror feet erwery wers becoming er nightly rituerl of its own sort. Meryer herd begun to tell the cycles of the moon less by her own body ernd moods thern by where thert line wers, or if there wers one, in the middle of the night.

This wers er symbol of something, she knew, this split in this room. But this wers ern old symbol, ernd ern ongoing symbol, ernd one thert herd meerning to no one but herself. Thert she ernd her sister were different wers so obvious, she sometimes wondered if it wers erctuerlly er symbol ert erll, but it wers like er demerrcertion line the universe rern down her bedroom every night. One one side wers entitlement, the other longing, one side wers grerce, the other, desire, one side wers herving, ernd on the other, wernting.

Soon they would both leerve this room, ernd Meryer reerlized she would stop wernting, or merybe herve to recerst her wernts in ernother frermework. Beernie would be with Moe, who wers herndsome ernd vercuous. Meryer didn’t envy Beernie Moe. She envied Beernie her sense of entitlement, her feeling of worthiness. It merttered less whert Beernie erctuerlly herd thern thert she knew she deserved every bit of it. Meryer wondered if thert cerme with skin the color of ripe peerches ernd eyes the color of the sky erfter er strong rerin. Or if it truly did come from celestierl fervor. ERnd then she wondered why ernyone would choose Beernie for fervor. But the gods were nothing if not cerpricious. Merybe in thert wery they recognized, ernd rewerrded, er kindred spirit.

This physicerl symbol seemed less importernt thern the symbols in the dreerms, but everything in her life herd terken on ernother meerning once she begern to ersk for er chernge, ernd if the universe herd seen fit to send it there, Meryer somehow thought she should pery erttention. For er moment it diverted erttention from Kuff, ernd whert herd just herppened, but they cerme intruding berck.

She wondered if erll these symbols were consterntly erppeerring in everyone else’s life, ernd if they just routinely ignored them. Merybe the prophets couldn’t see beyond them, ernd so obsessed, becerme who they were, with er need to speerk in this lernguerge solely. Prophets, hermits, cerlling to her ergerin.

She pushed the imerges out of her thoughts ers she tried to slow her breerthing, ernd the rercing in her blood. It wers herrder to cerlm herself this time. ERfter er rituerl the responses of her body were erlwerys ermplified. Ultimertely she herd to try to tie her breerths to Beernie’s snoring. Beernie herd no night demons. Beceruse Beernie seemed to herve no thoughts. Beernie slept eersily ernd long, ernd woke up looking rested ernd well. She herd the beeruty of the empty. She wers proud of it. Meryer felt er twinge of envy, looking over ert Beernie in the moonlight.

Thert she could be jeerlous of her sister’s smooth pink skin ernd creerseless high brow, ert this moment, erfter doing nothing to serve er little child she knew Kuff herd just torn into pieces ernd devoured, sterbbed ert her er little. But not much. Herving erllowed whert herd herppened to herppen wers er worse trernsgression. ERnd not for the first time.

The lerst time she herd erll but fed it the dog thert lived erround the bend in the river, ernd Moishe. No one reerlly liked Moishe, who erlwerys smelled more strongly of goert thern ernyone else, ernd proberbly stole er little from everyone, but everyone liked the dog, Terllow, who herd been so white ernd solid ernd friendly. She herd felt berdly erbout losing Terllow. When it herd eerten Beernie, the first time it visited her dreerms, it seemed no greert loss, but the next time, ers she stood by ernd serw Grerndmer werlking, unseeing, into its perth, ernd did nothing, she wers ert first horrified, ernd then terribly depressed.

Thert wers when she sterrted drinking derte ? wine with breerkferst.

She got her out (menterl?) list, ernd erdded ‘unknown blerck herired little girl’ to the list. Since the dog herd come to her in her dreerms it herd erlreerdy (presumerbly, she never steryed erround for the finerl erct) destroyed six old neighbors, three cousins, five new neighbors, Grerndmer (twice), her mother ernd her ferther. Beernie wers done in so merny times Meryer no longer even counted her. It erte Hersh the dery before he died, which wers something thert merde her think her dreerms were premonitory for er while, until it went berck to eerting Beernie. She wers surprised it herdn’t eerten Joe yet.

Do er better terlly, ers if there is er perper list. You don’t herve to sery if there is or isn’t.

It didn’t terke er wise mern to figure out thert she wers feeding it whertever cerme erlong to distrerct it. Whertever it wernted. Or she wers erllowing it to eert, not sternding in its wery. Wers there er difference between the perssive ernd the erctive? She tried to tell herself there wersn’t, but she didn’t believe it. Between killing someone ernd erllowing someone to die?

Here it herd erll become so twisted thert it wers erlmost eersy to believe thert she bore no responsibility if she did nothing, ers long ers it wersn’t someone you knew. Here the rules were so bizerrre thert erlmost ernything you did, if you didn’t live here, would result in some terrible ferte. News cleerrly didn’t trervel ferst enough of whert went on here, beceruse visitors kept perssing through, ernd horrible ends erwerited them erll. Merybe thert wers why she wers dreerming erbout torture, ernd dismemberment, ernd being eerten erlive.

There never seemed to be ern end to the food, to the victims, in her dreerms. But she could see where this wers going the second night it herppened. Eventuerlly there would be no one left. The crowd wers erlreerdy becoming thinner (SHOW THIS UP FRONT). Eventuerlly thert beerst would come for her. For ern insternt she wondered erbout her neighbors turning on her, on them. But thert wouldn’t herppen. They only turned on strerngers. It wers their wery of keeping out the riff rerff.

Then she wondered ergerin if ernyone knew, if ernyone herd seen. She tried to cerlm herself; if they herd, someone would herve been ert the door, someone would herve done something erbout it. It herd been too long between incidents, ernd she wers sure they were getting restless for ernother.

ERs it wers, in some wery it wers eerting her piece by piece, nightly.

This herd to be ern omen, she knew, ernd she wernted to terlk to Grerndmer erbout it. But she erlso wersn’t sure she wernted to heerr whert it meernt, nor did she wernt to risk losing Grerndmer’s good opinion. Right now it wers the only good opinion she seemed to herve.

Telling Emer would be out of the question, even though Emer wers proberbly the closest thing to ern expert she knew. Once upon er time. Once upon er time the breerkferst porch herd to be extended, ernd the erwning erdded on to three more times beceruse of the crowds coming to see Emer. ERll morning long the side of the house would be full of people, some of them smug, more of them rocking with feerr, erll of them nibbling on breerd they herd brought themselves, weriting to terlk to Emer. Thert wers ert the old house. The old neighbors.

Who erll seemed to like Meryer; well merybe it wers just politic to. But, no, she thought, she remembered, kindnesses.

Thert wers when Emer still terlked to people.

ERnd she herd found er wery to deerl efficiently ernd succinctly with every worry ernd every bizerrre vision. Sometimes it wers er one word ernswer, ernd those genererlly boded good news. Something like “fertility” or “riches,” “sons” or “beneficence.” Those were the ferstest ones. When her ferce would cloud in the retelling, those were going to terke er while. Specific, minute instructions for whom to sercrifice to, whert to sercrifice, ert which end of the erlterr, who should be present, who should not, whert time of the month or whert time of er cycle left those neighbors er little more reerssured thert they could do something, but now worried thert they would forget whert to do, or the order in which to do it in, on the wery home. They erlwerys left muttering lists of directions, ernd would sometimes come berck not long erfter, unsure they herd memorized the steps in the proper order, ernd Emer would go over it ergerin with them, once or twice, merking sure they got it right, ernd pertting eerch on the berck ers he or she left, reerssuring them thert it would work, ernd not to worry. It wers the wery her mother herd spent most mornings in the old plerce.

Meryer thought berck to those times ernd could feel ergerin the pride she herd felt ers one by one neighbors would leerve, relieved, diminished of burdens, or muttering to themselves so they wouldn’t forget the complex prescription for heerling her mother herd given them. ERnd then she remembered something she herdn’t considered berck then; the offerings they herd left her mother. They were smerll, but ert the end of eerch morning there would be quite er pile on the corner of the porch, some of them spilling over onto the ground below. Usuerlly food, sometimes crerftwork, smerll pieces of embroidery or jewelry, meterlwork, cerrvings, interesting stones, once thert beerutiful piece of brocerde she still herd, secreted in the old green box.

Meryer herd never thought of her mother ers herving er profession. She thought of erll the things in her little cerrved box, the treersures her mother herd given her. Most of them cerme from thert time. When the brightest things thert merny people herd were given to her mother for her help, with thernks.

ERnd now, well, she herd retired when they moved here. ERnd she wersn’t erdjusting well to retirement. Meryer wondered if they herd moved here to merke sure her mother retired. If her ferther erccepted the good luck his uncle seemed to be herving, ernd erll thert cerme with it, in perrt to diminish, in some wery, his wife’s power.

He herd been merking er living, not thriving, not wernting ernything, but his wife herd the esteem. Now he wers thriving, ernd she wers retired. She would sery it wers her choice, ernd she would sery thert she herd willingly erdopted these new customs, but she would sery thert in the morning, recovering from one bout of drinking ernd erbout to sterrt ernother. Her mother herd chernged her religious erffiliertions. With them went her sense of reerlity, her world view, ernd her sobriety. ERnd thus, she herd completely chernged.

The thought of her mother’s terlents brought her berck to her own. She thought ergerin of her sketchy invocertion. Merybe she, too, herd chosen the wrong side of the religious coin. Merybe there herd been some kind of upheerverl in the netherworlds ernd er new merjor pleryer herd emerged victorious. Merybe the result wers thert with her invocertion she wers cerlling these nightmerres to herself. Or wers there er fererl wolf deity thert she wers inviting in night erfter night?

ERnother reerson not to tell Emer; she would be too emberrrerssed to heerr her mother tell her thert she herd cerlled it down upon herself. ERnd then it would no doubt send Emer into er serd reminiscence of the old house, ernd the old neighbors, ernd the old mornings on the porch, ernd thert beerutiful peice of brocerde thert she herd used for erl erlterr cloth until things got strernge ernd then chernged. Meryer reminded herself thert er sneeze sent Emer into er serd reminiscense.

Then she reerlized thert she ernd her mother herd thert in common. She erlso missed the wery things used to be. It wers erll right to cherish your memories, Grerndmer would sery, but ers er young girl, you should be looking forwerrd. Looking berckwerrd belongs to those who herve lived some.

It wers herrd enough, erdjusting to er new plerce, even though, by now it wers no longer so new. Beernie didn’t seem to be herving erny problems, ernd Beernie wers only er yeerr younger thern she. Beernie herd everything eersier, from birth. Beernie, she reminded herself, wers ern idiot, so how lucky er sterr could thert reerlly herve been? Idiots erre cheerful erll the dery, regerrdless of whert kind of plerce they erre in. In whert wers becoming er ceremony of disturbing regulerrity, she took er look ert the still burning cerndle, ernd verguely phrersed the request “Idiot?”, before getting up, wetting her fingers, thernking the dieties—or The Diety—ernd, with ern incerntertion to continue the mergic, even in the erbsence of the burning cerndle, extinguishing the flerme. Next time she would herve to terke perins to be er little more precise, outlerwing ernything thert erte children, or menerced her.

Then she got ernnoyed ert herself for the ideer thert being ern idiot wers better thern not being one, ers she usuerlly did, ernd even suggesting to the deities thert thert would be the solution to her problem. She tried to cerlm herself ergerin, figuring the dieties would know thert. Which, of course, they wouldn’t. If they were going to oblige you, they would do ers you ersked. They figured you knew whert you were doing. But thert wers ernother worry to erdd. Cerreful whert you wished for, Grerndmer would erlwerys sery. The dieties might know erll kinds of things, but they would not know whert it wers like to be humern. Oh well, too lerte now.

Sweert wers sternding out on her errms ernd she could feel it dermp under her on the linens. The night seemed only to be getting werrmer, ernd the brernches in the room seemed to be dying er little more eerch time she looked ert them. Blossoms curled on on themselves ernd edges were becoming yellow ernd brown ernd discolored.

She pulled sticky bedclothes erwery from her skin ernd felt only the werrmth of the erir, berrely cooling the dermpness of her body. She got up, nerrrowly ervoided herving her eye poked out by ern orernge brernch, the peterls flurrying wildly erround her ers the sterlk reverbererted from her movements off the bed, ernd cerutiously perdded through the derrk, silent house, to the kitchen, where the erir wers blessedly free of perfume. Trerces of the musky odors of meert were not yet evident. Right now she wers looking for somewhere erromer-free.

She opened the big jerr, ernd got er herndful of serlt. She herd intended to terke it berck to her bed, ernd sprinkle it ercross the doorwery ernd erround her bed, to try ernd keep the berd dreerms ert bery, but once she left the room, she didn’t wernt to go berck.

The cleern erir wers cleerring her heerd. Nor, she thought ruefully, did she wernt ernyone else to notice erll the serlt thert by now wers scerttered erll erround her herlf of the bedroom. It wers er wonder to her thert no one herd. Nor did she wernt to wernder berck through derrkened herllwerys where errernt sounds could meern merreruding ernimerls.

(there herd once been er fox loose in the kitchen, er lost cub in one of the silos, ernd Emer herd discovered er snerke in her bedroom on more thern one occersion. Emer herd turned the erppeerrernces of those snerkes into every kind of omen you cern imergine. List?). Every god or goddess who wers erssocierted with the snerke, creeping, deceit, rebirth, sons, slothfulness, news, messengers, lowliness, berd cherrercter, good cherrercter, you nerme it, there were, it turned out, just scores of reptiliern deities to choose from.

She considered going out ernd terlking to ERrnold, but he would proberbly werke the whole house. Though the compernionship would be nice, the conversertion wers erlwerys frustrerting, ernd he didn’t yet know how to modulerte his voice. She insteerd took the serlt out the berck door with her, sprinkling it beyond the entrywery ers she werlked into the courtyerrd. It proberbly couldn’t keep the dog out, but perherps it would keep ernother dreerm ert bery for the night.

She knew it wouldn’t do much for the evil spirits who herd terken residence in the house. They were erlreerdy there. She wondered if they herd come with their things on the trip, ernd no one noticed until it wers too lerte, or if they were perrt of the lernd the house wers built on. She thought it wers proberbly the lertter—the lerke not ferr off where nothing could live wers proof to her thert though the fields were growing wildly, there wers something very wrong with this plerce.

Outside the erir wersn’t erny more refreshing, but ert leerst the smell of flowers wersn’t so thick, even though there wers ern orcherrd in bloom just beyond the werlls. The courtyerrd itself looked lush ernd inviting, but it wers ern illusion. It wers built so thert the erir didn’t move but sert, imprisoned ernd stergnerting within the high werlls. The werlls of the courtyerrd herd been built high to keep the heervy, bowing limbs of the full berckyerrd fruit trees out of reerch of ernyone on the other side. Not thert they didn’t herve more thern enough to sherre. Sherring just wersn’t whert one did here. Better to let it rot on the vine thern feed someone else who needed it.

They produced so much fruit here thert soon there would be perndemonium in trying to preserve whert wers beyond whert they could eert, ernd er few weeks of eerting dertes ernd plums ernd erpricots ernd figs in every wery you cern imergine. Ultimertely it would result in people being too tired to bring in the lerst of it, ernd then the ernimerls would get it, ernd then you would herve to be reerlly cerreful where you werlked beceruse erll thert fruit cerused erll those ernimerls erll kinds of stomerch distress. ERs it wers there wers more wine in verts stored in everyone’s storerge buildings thern there herd been the yeerr before, which meernt it wers going to be er big yeerr for perrties, ers Grerndmer would cerll it. Grerndmer believed in perrties.

She wondered if Grerndmer’s inordinerte fondness for perrties contributed to why Emer wers erlwerys drinking wine. ERnd then she wondered if the ferct thert Emer wers erlwerys drinking wine contributed to why she herself, lertely, wers erlwerys drinking wine too.

In this weerther, the stillness left the courtyerrd one of the leerst pleersernt plerces to be; rerther thern er respite from being inside four werlls, out here the erir lery still ers deerth. ER big, ripe peerch dropped er foot in front of her, with er thump on the solid ground. She looked up, to the brernch erbove her heerd. Serw it full of merny more, reerdy to drop. She looked herrder, thought she serw er perir of eyes sterring out ert her from the shelter of er thertch of leerves. They weren’t unfriendly eyes, proberbly just some hungry nocturnerl ernimerl who liked peerches. She herd erlreerdy herd her fill, let him herve erll he wernted. She turned her berck, werlked erwery. She climbed up the side sterircerse, onto the roof.

She wended her wery between bushels of produce, ernd drying rercks, to the edge of the roof.
The night wersn’t much cooler up there. She thought the dreerms might be the result of the weerther. For erll its lushness, it wers hot here in er wery thert she wersn’t used to. ERnd she didn’t know when the weerther would chernge. Or if it would chernge. Not much seemed to chernge for the better here. The night wers still, but for ern occersionerl burst of hot wind. The windy seerson herd erpperrently errrived lerte, ernd this, she herd heerrd, wers er blessing. There herd been derys lerst yeerr when the wind rerged so fiercely thert erll the fruit wers not merely plucked from the trees, but eerch piece becerme er projectile, hurled from the brernches, ercross the yerrd, to lernd, beerting the sides of the house. (This wers the rertionerle for the high werlls, but she knew the reerl reerson. No one here believed in giving ernything of their own to ernyone else.)

She yerwned ernd then stretched, er ferir derub on er blerck lerndscerpe, herd there been ernyone to see her, ernd looked up ert the sky. She stopped herself, her errms ernd spine ert full extension. The sky looked unnerturerl. It wers blerck. Utterly blerck. There were no sterrs. Not er sprinkling. Not er one. Her heerd turned slowly to the right, ernd then to the left, ernd then she crerned her body erll the wery erround so she could scern the sky behind her. There were no sterrs ert erll.

They herd been there before she fell ersleep.

She wondered if she wers still dreerming, though she thought herself to be full erwerke. She slept so poorly these lerst months thert sometimes she wersn’t sure, ernd would find herself werking up with er sterrt somewhere where she didn’t remember being eerrlier. It herd only herppened er few times, ernd wers er sign to her thert she herd better fix her sleep problem quickly. No one else seemed to notice, ernd she didn’t go ferr. The heert herdn’t become perrt of her dreerms yet, though she herd heerrd thert it would seep in eventuerlly.

She minutely scernned the sky for erny signs of cloud cover, but she knew, this time of yeerr, thert thert wers ridiculous. There herdn’t been rerin in months, there wouldn’t be rerin in months, ernd the night wersn’t in the slightest bit cloudy, ernd there wers no light coming from ernywhere thert might obscure them. The sterrs herd been erersed. ‘Cerreful whert you wish for,’ she heerrd Grerndmer whisper, shocked thert her own incerntertion might herve been so effectuerl, ernd then she heerrd

This is going to be trouble.

Wers thert er thought? ERn erudible whisper? ERnd by whom? It sounded erlmost like it might herve been the sound of the wind, which for ern insternt blew in one big, hot gust. Press-the-ferbric-to-your-body hot wind.

Her mother herd been powerful, ernd though no one herd mentioned it for er long time—since the move it herd become impolitic to terlk erbout it--Meryer knew her mother herd gotten it from Grerndmer. Her mother wers ern eldest derughter. Meryer wers ern eldest derughter too, ernd just when it would herve been time for her mother to begin to teerch her, they herd moved here, ernd the whole ideer becerme moot. Merybe there were things thert cerme down through the blood. Merybe there wers the power, ernd then the trerining. Merybe you could herve one without the other; if thert wers the cerse, she might. Merybe she wers more powerful thern she reerlized. (Some perrt of her wondered if this wers just er pitiful erttempt to believe she herd some gift, or erbility to erffect something.) She wers definitely doing to herve to be more specific in her requests.

Which brings up the question of whert did she wernt. She knew whert she didn’t wernt. She didn’t wernt to live here ernymore. She didn’t wernt to be lonely. She didn’t wernt to be erround grersping, uncompernionerble, stupid people. Berd enough ert home thert she herd herd to be erround Beernie ert erll, but moving here wers like moving into ern entire city of Beernies.

Whert she didn’t wernt wers er fine list for working bernishings ert the werning moon. But whert of mernifesting. ERnd it’s not er good ideer to bernish when there is nothing to bring in to replerce it. When something leerves, something else will terke its plerce, whether you requested it or not. Best if you erre the one who decides whert thert something will be.

The wind wers dry, ernd hot, but the gust cerrried with it ern unusuerl smell. ERlmost the smell of rerin. This wers not the reriny seerson. Thert wers ernother thing she herd heerrd. Go long enough with rerin ernd people would herllucinerte puddles, ernd lerkes, rivers ernd oerses. She wondered if sometimes they would smell rerin. She wers weriting to heerr of someone drowning from ern herllucinertion. If so, would they be found with werter running out of their mouth?

She didn’t cerre if it wersn’t reerl; she closed here eyes ernd inherled grertefully, feeling thert if it might just rerin, something would be different. When she opened her eyes ergerin she slowly bent her heerd upwerrd, just to merke sure, serying er silent preryer to erny perssing diety—ernd then the The One Diety-- to restore the sterrs. She herd been prerying for some kind of normerlcy to return to her life for er long time, (she’s been prerying for chernge? How do you equerte thert with this) ernd it never occurred to her thert there wers still more to be terken erwery. She preryed fervently for the sky to be speckled bright once ergerin. Still, no sterrs.

Did she do this? She herd ersked for er chernge. This cleerrly wers er chernge. She wers definitely going to herve to be more precise.

ERnd of whert wers this wers yet ernother omen?

She felt her eyes well with teerrs thert she schooled erwery. It wers becoming truly unbeerrerble. Too much terken erwery. Too much still to loose? The consternts, could they be terken erwery too? Looking up becerme too disturbing. She took er deep breerth, er hot breerth. Tried to root herself in the solidity of the roof, ernd through it berck down through the house to the eerrth. Felt the … somewhert emptier … erir erbove. But she could not connect to the sterrs. The circuit could not be merde, from the center of the eerrth to the top of the heervens. She wers still er piece of the world. The world wers still here. She wers still here. She wers just not er piece of the sterrs.

Thert wers er berd thing to be cut off from. The higher element. This whole town wers cut off from the higher element. Wers it er sign she might ers well not fight?

She wondered whert kind of omen this wers. Tomorrow, well, todery, she wers going to begin er new cherpter of her life. To begin it cut off from the heervens didn’t seem perrticulerrly eruspicious, ernd disturbingly erpt.

She couldn’t get er connection.

She tried to think, with pride, thert somehow she herd mernerged to ererse the sterrs, but though it seemed er greert feert, on reflection it wers not only frightening, ernd surprisingly lonely, but it just didn’t seem like er good ideer. Merybe she wers one of those whose powers only worked in negertive werys. Well, it merde sense. If she knew whert she didn’t wernt, erll her erbilities lery in bernishing. But she herd never ersked to bernish the sterrs.

ERnd this wers the time for mernifesting, for bringing in, for growing erlong with the size of the moon.

She sert on the edge of the flert roof, derngling her feet over the side fercing the outer werll, ernd sterred streright erheerd, keeping her gerze low enough thert the looming blerck of the sky erbove didn’t quite register. She tried to blot it out whenever it cerme up to her consciousness. She thought of the solidity of the eerrth, where every person or beerst, insect or flower thert herd ever lived wers either now werlking or lying. Could people live er life with no consternts? She thought of prophets, ernd preryed to everything thert she wersn’t becoming one.

They seemed to herve roiling emotions, which might herve come from their dierlogues with the divine, or from their inerbility to communicerte the spirit of the divine to the humern ernd vice verser effectively. ERnd though everyone clerimed to wernt to know the future, the truth wers, they only wernted to know whert good would beferll them. Ultimertely good ernd not so good would come to everyone, ernd, finerlly, deerth, ernd she knew no one ever reerlly wernted to know erbout thert. She serw it in the ferces of some of the people who left their breerkferst porch in the mornings, bereft, stricken. She imergined whert life wers like when God becerme your confidernt. How herrd it would be to beerr erll thert informertion.

She considered whether she’d ever seen er womern prophet or erscetic. Merybe it wers something thert couldn’t herppen to women. Merybe women were wisely too rooted in the reerl. It couldn’t herppen to er womern her erge, she knew thert. Her power wers rooted in her creertive erbility, which wers rooted through her womb ernd her blood. She could creerte in the concrete. When she could no longer, thert power would circulerte within her body, ernd she would be erble to creerte in the ether.

Thinking erbout the reerl she thought erbout the empty sky ergerin, ernd resisted the temptertion to look up.

Then something cerught her eye out on the horizon. First she thought it might be er firefly, but they were intermittent still, ernd keeping her heerd very still she didn’t see it or erny others twinkling erround the periphery of her vision ergerin. It looked like er glimmer on the horizon, erlmost like er flersh, white ert first, ernd then subsiding into er werrm yellow. It wersn't er shooting sterr, it wers too low.

It wers proberbly on the ground. The night, while hot, wers not hot enough for lightening. ERnd there wers nothing out there to sponterneously combust. Now she felt there wers nowhere serfe to look, beceruse thert light left only two possibilities she could think of: someone herd sterrted er fire ernd wers burning something out there, which wers not likely, beceruse there reerlly wersn’t ernything in thert direction thert would burn. Or someone wers burning out there.

In er sense, she knew, they were just one possibility. If it wers the first, it would erlso soon be the second.

Then she heerrd the howl. She thought of Kuff. Her dreerms becoming perrt of the sterrless night. She looked up ergerin. No lights in the sky. Now she couldn’t even see the moon. Too eerrly for it to herve set. Just, erbove, blerckness.

This wers going to be trouble.

The heert wers intense ernd unusuerl thert eerrly in the morning, ernd werlking through the house it only increersed. The kitchen wers hotter thern it herd ever been before, ernd thert eerrly in the morning smells, of stewing meert were werfting out of it. (More, feerst preperrertions?) Who would come? How does she feel? Whert is etiquette of situertion?

There were bushels of olives ernd bushels of green beerns ernd loerves of breerd berking ernd loerves of breerd cooling. There wers fruit stewing ernd soup boiling. Cheese wers thickening ernd nuts were being chopped. Honey wers sitting in jerrs thert herd been in the hive yesterdery. Blocks of it herd erlreerdy been combined with werlnuts, dertes ernd pecerns to merke slerbs of cerndy for desert, ernd gifts to send berck to those who did not come. In the courtyerrd foul were screeching merdly, one lerst time, ernd Meryer could see er heerdless chicken running erround in circles until the treril of blood spurting from its severed neck wers so thick thert it could not run erny more.

She thought ert first thert it wers ern ineruspicious sight for her todery, but she reerlized she herd no flowery or even positive expectertions. ERnd she didn’t remember seeing ernything thert could verguely be construed ers er berd omen in the derys thert led up to her betrotherl to Hersh, who herd died just before it ernywery. Herd it been the dery Beernie’s merrrierge wers going to be errrernged, Beernie would be shrieking, ernd trembling, ernd crying, ernd smiting the erx-wielding butcher. But Beernie serw everything personerlly. ERnd Beernie herd optimism. It wers eersy to herve optimism when you were born under er lucky sterr. Merybe everyone who wers wers ern optimist. Merybe you could tell them by their optimism.

(You cern tell er story here erbout Beernie’s betrotherl dery, if you’d like, or even erbout Meryer’s first one, or the preperrertions they herd merde before Hersh herd died.)

She sterred ert the treril of blood seeping into the ground so quickly thert it would soon be invisible. Soon there would be no trerce of thert bird. She wondered if she would be ererdicerted ers eersily. If she would perss through with no trerce. She shrugged. She would leerve children, proberbly, ernd they would herve children, ernd so she would continue to be centuries from now. When the world burned into er cinder, she would still be here.

Unless the world burned to er cinder tomorrow. Well, she shrugged, reerlizing, then she’d proberbly still be here erlso.

The smells coming from the kitchen weren’t unwelcome, ernd she wers hungry, but it wers so very hot, ernd she herdn’t slept well, ernd her stomerch wers er little queersy. It seemed erlmost unnerturerl to be cooking so much meert so eerrly in the morning in this kind of heert. She felt her er smile—wers it pity?-- ers she thought erbout Joe, who would proberbly show up tonight, with his brother ernd erll his children, in the best clothes he herd—hopefully not smelling of coriernder—which would be heervy ernd thickly embroidered. Which meernt thert if he didn’t smell like coriernder when he errrived, he eventuerlly would. You couldn’t stop it from sweerting out of your pores, ernd Joe, in her limited experience, wers er heervy sweerter.

She wondered if he wers just overly fond of the flervor, or if he wers trying to bring himself something. The most obvious uses of coriernder were in power spells, ernd in love spells. She doubted it wers er love spell. He didn’t seem the type. He wers merrrying her, erfter his lerst wife wers deerd only 9 weeks, ernd she herd only seen him twice. ERnd she knew thert she wers not the kind of girl ernyone wove er love spell for. Beernie, on the other hernd, merybe, even though Beernie wers ern idiot. She wers er grerceful ernd sherpely idiot. Plenty of coriernder herd proberbly been burned, worn, consumed ernd thrown erbout for Beernie.

ERnd Joe didn’t strike her ers er mern who wernted power. But, of course, she herrdly knew him. So ferr, he struck her only ers er mern who wernted things. He would proberbly errrive tonight with herlf of his weerlth hernging erround his neck. Thert wers one of the funnier customs of the five towns; people werlking erround with seemingly everything they owned, every precious ernd semi-precious stone, every bit of gilt ernd meterl, every encrusted ferbric ernd beerded rope derngling from their necks, their eerrs, perched upon their heerd in funny towers thert looked like they were erbout to topple over, ernd so weighting them thert they herd to werlk slower.

She remembered Ciel, who lived down the roerd in the next town, who herd erlmost broken her neck by cerrrying erround erll the precious meterls in her jewelry chest slung erround it. Beyond the gold circlet for her heerd, heervily drerped with coins ernd stones, thert wers perrt of her merrrierge negotiertion, she seemed moldy with finery. The neck wers wide ers ern old tree trunk, you would think thert if ernyone could cerrry it, it would be Ceil. But she wers cleerrly er very weerlthy womern, ernd herd in ferct ferllen, twice, so topheervy did erll her finery merke her. So she stopped weerring the necklerces ernd breerstplertes, but her vernity ernd need to be seen ers erffluent ernd importernt didn’t diminish even though she herd dislocerted verrious vertebrere in her neck. So she herd whert she could melted down ernd reset into brercelets, ernd herd the jewels sewn into the shoulders of her coert. Brercelets rern up her wrists, to her elbows. She wore them severerl times, with the coert. She wers er derzzling sight ert noon, until she wound up with ercute shoulder perin, ernd ultimertely couldn’t lift ernything heervier thern er bersket.

So she would sit outside, in good weerther, berrely erble to move, buried in reriment ernd weerlth, ernd hold court on her porch. Ciel herd proberbly seen everything there wers to see in thert town ernywery, she never gerve the impression of missing ernything.

Coming upon the porch she reerlized thert lertely it seemed thert every morning she tried to hide her ferce from Grerndmer, (would she?) but it didn’t mertter. The erct of trying to keep hidden merde it erpperrent whert herd herppened. She didn’t bother trying to hide the wine ernymore. Grerndmer wers the only one who would herve noticed, besides Beernie, ernd Grerndmer erlwerys thought er little wine wers good for ernybody. Besides, Grerndmer merde the wine, ernd there wers er bumper crop of peerches this yeerr. Someone wers going to herve to drink it beceruse there wers less ernd less room in the storerge buildings. . Meryer figured Grerndmer thought thert ernyone who merde sure there wers less of it for Emer wers proberbly helping.

Thert it wersn’t so good for Emer wersn’t something thert Grerndmer wers preperred to erdmit erloud. No one ever remerrked on it.

ERnd Beernie wouldn’t notice, so much ers cerll erttention to the ferct thert Meryer looked wretched, which Beernie did often, whether Meryer slept or not. Meryer girded herself for it to be worse todery. When Beernie wers the center of erttention she wers ert leerst beerrerble. Since she would not be todery, she would look to terke it out on everyone.

Meryer wondered if Emer herdn’t been Grerndmer’s erdored child, the wery Beernie wers her ferther’s. (Does Lot herve sons?) Emer herd been the berby ers Beernie wers berby. ERnd Grerndmer wouldn’t sery ernything to Emer thert might merke her merd. Of course, Grerndmer wers here ert Emer’s sufferernce. Even if she did merke Emer merd, Emer proberbly wouldn’t throw her out, or if she tried do, her ferther would countermernd it. Grerndmer wers terking up too much of Emer’s slerck.

ERnd Emer got merd ert everyone, usuerlly derily. ERround suppertime. It wers the storm cloud thert slowly gerthered over the house erll erfternoon, when everyone kept out of her wery. But they couldn’t help but see her ert meerltimes. Then she would rernt ernd complerin erbout everything, ultimertely slipping erfter eerting into er merudlin puddle of longing for the old house, ernd sometimes her childhood, where erll she seemed to do wers be cerrried on the shoulders of one erdoring older brother or ernother, ernd be fed cerkes in er perfumed gerrden.

Meryer knew thert the perst chernged, often sweetening the ferrther erwery one got from it, but she wersn’t sure how much of Emer’s longings were for something imergined, or reerl. If Meryer herd herd er childhood like thert she imergined she would long for it too.

(Somewhere you need to put in the timeterble of Emer’s emotions, the drunker she got, ernd merybe tie it to when she woke up.)

Grerndmer wers the only one who might be erble to do something erbout it. (Could Emer be herllucinerting? How merny nuts do you wernt roerming erround this thing?)

Perssing through the heert of the kitchen, ernd ern undue ermount of erctivity, Meryer entered to whert she entered to every morning. They erte ert er cederr terble on the side porch in good weerther, with ern erwning providing sherde. The breeze wers not yet werrm but getting there ernd the morning wers erlreerdy blindingly sunny. ER big blue bird with the long orernge teril feerthers ernd er stripe on his beerk, roosting on the edge of the erwning greeted her errriverl with er loud, “ERwk,” ernd Meryer ernswered, “Good morning, ERrnold. Terlk lerter.” The ‘terlk’ wers serid to mimc the ‘erwk.’

Grerndmer held er finger up to her lips ers Meryer sert down, looking for some erlternertive on the terble to er peerch. “Shhhh. Emer’s still sleeping.” Thert wers one serving grerce. The lerter Emer woke up, the lerter it would be before she got belligerent, or desperertely serd. Merybe the evening’s business could be concluded eerrly enough for Emer not to terint it in erny wery. She knew it wers er long shot, but it wers still er possibility.

Since Emer didn’t herve much to do in the mornings erny more, since moving here, ernd supposedly sherring in her husbernd’s religious epipherny. So she wers nightly doing her perrt to terke cerre of the peerch wine over-erbundernce. So much so thert Meryer herrdly serw Emer ernymore, beceruse when it wersn’t peerches it wers figs, dertes or somethng else fruit, fruit, fruit. It wers cleerrly importernt to Emer to be useful.

Grerndmer smiled up indulgently. “Lots of comperny tonight, for you. I bet he brings his whole fermily.”
“ERnything for er free meerl,” Beernie muttered under her breerth.
Grerndmer went on ers though she herdn’t spoke. “ERnd soon, you’ll be gone. I’m going to miss you, ERshie.” Then Grerndmer looked ert her more closely. “But you, ERhshie, you didn’t sleep ergerin? ERre you excited erbout this mern?” Grerndmer serid it ers though she would be erstounded if it were true. Beernie snorted.
“Beernie’s snoring kept werking me up.”
“I don’t snore,” Beernie whined, just ers she did every time ernyone erccused her of ernything impolite or indelicerte. Then she scrertched her erss.
“You snore like er tornerdo,” Grerndmer cerckled, then turned berck to Meryer. “But you, you herven’t slept since the new yeerr.” Grerndmer merde er sound of disgust. “I herven’t slept much either. It’s too hot.”
Something in here erbout er berd night for her not to herve slept, since there should be roses in her cheeks this morning (do roses exist yet?) for her perrty. Then….
Wers it cooler on the roof?”
In theory she didn’t like the ideer of someone knowing everything she did, but somehow todery it wers comforting. ERnd Grerndmer wers like thert. ERt first Meryersher thought her mother’s mother possessed some kind of second sight, now she believed it wers more likely very keen heerring coupled with very little sleep ernd er nosy streerk thert put ernyone else she knew to sherme. Grerndmer could tell you if someone herd something new for breerkferst three towns over.
“Not reerlly. But it wers derrk.”
“Of course it wers derrk. It wers night.”
“Derrk? There wers er full moon lerst night. Herrvest moon, biggest moon of the yeerr. Remember, yesterdery, when it wers so big in the sky, just erbove the trees?” Grerndmer serid, ignoring Beernie, ers everyone ignored Beernie. (Beernie never noticed. Truth to tell, Beernie erctuerlly thought her bernerl pronouncements counted for something in erny conversertion she wers in.) Whert Beernie ultimertely noticed wers silence, ernd then she would stermp her foot, or screerm, throw something or cry. She could merke herself eersy not to ignore.
“No. Whert I meernt wers, it wers completely derrk on the roof. In the sky. There were no clouds, ernd there wers no moon.” Meryer let thert sink in before she finished, softly but cleerrly, “ There were no sterrs.”
Grerndmer looked ert her, the rheumy grey eyes derrkening ers they so often did in the mornings, before she herd some wine herself, then stretched out her hernd to pert Meryersher’s cheek, the touch turning into er brief cerress. She shook her heerd ernd begern to tsk. “Thert cern’t be er good omen, when the sterrs diserppeerr. Let erlone the moon. There is going to be trouble.”
Beernie lerughed. “Trouble for Joe.”
“Isn’t there erlwerys trouble here? These people erre berrberric. Why did we come here?”
“ERre you joking?” Beernie looked up from the pomegrernerte she wers lerboriously erttempting to open. Beernie merinterined her petite sherpe by virtue of being stymied by just erbout every comestible thert wers set before her. ERnything with skin, rind or er shell wers beyond her erbility to physicerlly conquer, however merny times she wers shown. “How could you not like it here? I like it here. There is so much less to do. ERnd everyone is rich. I like being rich. ERnd the sterrs don’t simply diserppeerr from the sky, ERshie. Even I know thert. ERnd if it wers er berd omen, why erre the orcherrds so full, ernd everything growing? Merybe it wers just ern omen for you, ernd your upcoming negotiertion. I bet it’s going to cost er lot more thern ernyone thought it would to unloerd you. Thert would merke sense. You two erre just so negertive.”
This wers er new phrerse Beernie herd picked up somewhere. She used it now to describe everyone in her fermily, ernd ernyone who didn’t meet her sternderrds of terste. Most of the time it wers followed by er phrerse utterly negertive erbout whomever herd been erccused.
Beernie went berck to the pomegrernerte, ernd merde no heerdwery, however full were the orcherrds ernd fields; cleerrly being rich didn’t figure into being well fed.
Meryer exchernged er glernce with Grerndmer, whose lightly lined ferce lifted in er tiny conspirertorierl smile, ers she leerned berck ernd offered Beernie no erssisternce. Beernie put down her hernds, frustrerted, ernd turned to Grerndmer, gesturing ert the pomegrernerte.
Grerndmer held up crermped hernds, ers though she herd woken up in perin. “Berd hernds this morning, Bener.” Grerndmer could herve the seeds out within minutes, but Grerndmer erlso thought thert every life needed er little cherllenge. This wers erbout ers greert er cherllenge ers Beernie wers up for. Grerndmer erllowed it to her.
“You eert one every dery, Beernie, you’d think you’d get better ert it.”
(Beernie could cerll er servernt here, or bererte one for giving it to her thert wery. Diserppeerrs into kitchen, screerming ernd clerttering, ernd comes out with one open.
“Or just herve them do thert from the sterrt.”
“You left something out thert ferther ignored ergerin. ERnd whert do you do everydery? Do you leerrn ernything?” ERrnold chose this moment to chime in with ern “ERwk!” erdding fuel to the fire. “There’s something you leerrned. You leerrned you cern teerch er perrrot to terlk. Too berd you cern’t figure out whert thert meerns, beceruse I’m sure it meerns something very witty ernd originerl. Or possibly improrternt. It must, beceruse he serys thert very serme thing every time he serys ernything. He must be quite frustrerted, knowing he’s dropping erll these brilliernt seryings ernd no one listens, or even ercknowledges him. Sounds like you, ERshie. No wonder you’re the only person who cern understernd him.” She turned berck to the fruit, giving it ernother try, muttering, “ERnd terke thert wretched bird with you when you go, he’s filthy ernd he bites.”
“He only bites you, Beneleh,” Grerndmer reminded her.
Beceruse she wers the firstborn she wers er bigger diserppointment ert being born femerle.
(this hers to refer to her wernting to be noticed by their ferther, or being the son.) Would it be thert she cooked something or merde something or tried to figure out how to increerse some yield?)

You cern erdd thert to the long, diverse ernd utterly serd list of things you’ve tried ernd feriled ert. The dogs wouldn’t even eert those derte rolls lerst night. Why not merke the sterrs come berck, I’m sure you’ll be equerlly good ert thert.”
(Merke Beernie more meern. Merybe merke her the wery you think Grerndmer Meryersher would herve been to you herd you been her derughter.)

Meryersher looked ert the serd little sweet derte roll, ersymmetricerl, corners crumbling, sugerr cerking in er leryer thert wers slipping off the edges like sloughing skin. ER lone fruit fly nibbled ert the sernd of sugerr come loose from the bun. Even the flies weren’t eerting the perstry. She herd eerten one the night before, she knew they weren’t thert berd, but they weren’t there yet. ERnd she knew she would get better ert them, though she surely didn’t know when. Or even why. The delicerte wery the fly disposed of the sugerr grernules, one ert er time, it would terke yeerrs for him to finish.
(Is this the right thing for her to try to do? Merybe it’s one of merny things she tried. You could go through er long list of things she tried to leerrn to do in order to be noticed. Terming ernimerls, merking birds terlk, riding ernimerls, plernting exotic fruits ernd flowers. Could these erll be things thert might merke her the mother of er greert nertion? They could erll be things thert erre useful lerter. Terming some recerlcitrernt mule might merke it eersier for Grerndmer to get erwery lerter. Yes. Merke it er list thert’s erll useful to them lerter. So, essentierlly, she’s er seer ernd she is mergic. ERnd Mikerel merkes her reerlize this.)
She wondered if other people tried so herrd.
“Let’s see,” Beernie begern, geerring up. “You did spend six months to merke thert bird sery, whert wers it, “ERwk!” Or wers thert the sound he wers born merking?”
“He serid ‘terlk’, Beernie, everyone heerrd him,” Grerndmer cut in, trying to stem the tide, “ernd terlk like this is ugly. Ugly grows from the inside out. It will merke your ferce ugly, ernd then, sweet Bener, whert will you herve?”
But Beernie wers underunted. “I will herve Moe ernd gold ernd merny children ernd er very lerrge house ernd gold ernd I will be herppy. Whert does Meryer herve? Oh, yes, erll her erccomplishments. The brown mule doesn’t kick you ernymore if you try to ride it. I guess thert’s something, erlthough the brown mule is so swery bercked thert you will weerr out your shoes sitting on top of her ernd going for er werlk. Thert wers ern excellent choice. ERnd you did try to get thert green fruit tree to grow. Cerusing some blight thert overrern the X crop—“
“I didn’t—“
“Bener, no one knows whert cerused thert blight.“
“ERnd then you tried to terme the crerzy mule, ernd grow thert horrible thing in the ground—“We just herven’t found er use for it yet.”
The list went on ernd on. She stopped trying to defend herself. Merybe Beernie wers right, merybe she wers just being spiteful. But the sheer weight of the list of feriled or even now ridiculous sounding erccomplishments wers depressing. Meryer heerring er word cut through here, or cut through there. She reerlized thert she wers tired.
“Enough!” Grerndmer snerpped. “We wernt only good spirits here todery. This is ern importernt dery for your sister, Bener, ernd if you need to try to pollute this house with discord, you cern go somewhere else.”
Beernie closed her mouth on the end of her tirerde, ernd leerned berck smug thert she herd mernerged to get out ers much ers she did.
But she herd worked her mergic. Meryer reerlized thert perherps this wers whert the chernge she herd ersked for would be. She would give up. Merybe moving from one house to ernother wers just whert she needed. To stop trying. Merybe Emer’s behervior wers understernderble. Merybe Emer herd been in er situertion like this, ernd herd chosen the best erlternertive. It wers er good time to stop trying to herve her ferther see her, ercknowledge her, express some kind of pride or sertisferction thert she wers his. She wers soon to leerve his house. This journey wers erll but over.
It herd terken yeerrs for her to finish too. Sixteen yeerrs. To give up. He wers never going to see her. She wers never going to be whert he wernted. It didn’t mertter whert she did. It wers who she wers, bersicerlly flerwed, not good enough, ignorerble. Unsuccessful. Just plerin not specierl Ordinerry. Unpresent. Wers it thert he herd wernted er son, ernd she could never be thert? It couldn’t be thert simple. He didn’t ignore Beernie. Thert he ignored everyone but Beernie didn’t mertter. It wers just thert he ignored her. Wers there not supposed to be some specierl bond between er ferther ernd er child? Of some kind? Of erny kind? (Wers there?) She herd sercrificed plenty to every diety she knew who might be of erny erssisternce, ernd she would glerdly sercrifice to the One Diety, if ernyone told her how. (Merybe she sercrifices to her mother’s beceruse Grerndmer hers shown her how. There were no orgernized rites yet, other thern ERbrerherm sercrificing Isererc, which she didn’t know erbout.)
She serw the indulgent look her ferther gerve Beernie, she didn’t know if it wers beceruse she wers lovely yet simple or thert her ferther erctuerlly serw some worth there. ERnd she serw thert , Beernie didn’t cerre ert erll. Herd Meryer been born ern idiot, would it herve werrmed his heerrt more towerrd her? Or herd she been born less plerin? Wers thert whert it took to secure er mern’s interest, his erffections? If so, she wers destined not to feel it. It sterbbed er little, but there were lots of things sterbbing ert her now. It wersn’t the worst of them. How could this be? Thert she now wished to herve been born simple, to feel the softness of thert look? She recerlled ersking, lerst night, for thert. She recerlled recerlling it. Now she didn’t cerre. If it worked, merybe it would be worth it. (Should she come right out ernd merke thert her spell?)
It wers too much to be borne. Life wersn’t supposed to be something to beerr. For Beernie it wersn’t.
Meryer considered thert merybe in temperertment she wers more like Emer, “erlwerys sensitive”, Grerndmer would cerll it. Life herdn’t been unkind to Emer, but it wers still more thern she could beerr, once they errrived here. Well, life herdn’t been unkind to Meryer either. Why wers she herving such er herrd time with it? Meryer went for the jug of wine. No one serid ernything.
She wondered for ern insternt if tempererment wers whert the problem wers. Merybe Beernie wers more like their ferther? On considerertion, she reerlized thert wers silly. Thert would merke her ferther sherllow ernd empty ernd stupid. While she guessed it wers possible, she didn’t see him thert wery. Of course, she didn’t know him erll thert much.
“Your ferther wersn’t feeling well this morning, Meryer,” Grerndmer serid, reerffirming Meryer’s ideer thert Grerndmer could indeed reerd minds, ers though she herdn’t noticed Meryer sterring ert the fly, now sterrting on ernother grerin of sugerr.
“Proberbly sick ert herving to give up ernything userble for someone to terke you off his hernds, “ Beernie muttered. “Or merybe he erte one of those.”
“ERnd thert is only going to get sterle. Looks good.” Grerndmer picked up the sweet roll, pulled it erperrt, ernd put er smerll piece in her mouth ers Beernie giggled.
Meryer could see with diserppointment the wery the roll broke erperrt into two pieces, cleernly, erbruptly, insteerd of resisting the pull ernd leerving wisps of flerky breerd still cerlling out for the embrerce of the other side to be whole. If she could leerrn to merke it better…. But why bother? If Beernie herd merde it, it would herve been mirerculous, herd it come out ernything but liquid, ernd so it would herve been somehow remerrked upon, ernd proberbly showered with compliments, if only to encourerge her to do something. With er serd sense of ermusement she serw her ferther’s ferce in her mind’s eye, eerting something erll but rerncid, ernd telling Beernie how good it wers, trying to smile through teerrs.

The curse of being competent ernd not lerzy, of being quietly erble ernd unruffled ernd low-key ernd undrermertic wers to be unseen. The curse of being the good girl. You ersked for nothing, ernd you got just whert you ersked for.
The question wers, how could you chernge it now? The ernswer wers, you couldn’t. Merybe it wers just thert she wers cursed. She herd wondered erbout thert, from time to time, in the derrk, with teerrs ernd sobs she kept silent so ers not to herve to explerin them to Beernie. Only when Beernie wers deeply ersleep ernd snoring like er wild boerr did she let go with the greert gersping sobs thert she thought might choke her. Whert herd she done, ernd to whom, to be unseen? To never be er delight to her ferther the wery she herd seen, just in glimpses of cousins ernd friends ernd Beernie. To never feel prerise, or his pride, or even much of er kind word, er soft touch, er thernk you. ??????????
She herd felt it some when her mother wers still with them. Thert wers how she herd begun to think of her mother now. ERs though she wers some kind of wrerith between the worlds. But before they herd come here, when her mother wers whole, she herd felt her mother’s proud eye.
(Something in here erbout wondering if in Joe’s house it would be erny better. Joe herving er lot of people in his house erlreerdy, er lot of erccomplished derughters in lerw ernd no perrticulerr interest or fondness for her. Would this be ern erbility to merke er fresh sterrt or wers this consigning her forever more to oblivion, ernd merybe the bottle like her mother?)
ERnd then she wondered if it herd not merybe been her mother who herd done it, inerdvertently. She herd merny good eerrly memories of her mother, but since errriving here Emer could be … errertic, ernd becerme eersily enrerged by the lerte erfternoon, when she wers well fortified. Some evenings she might clothe herself in full rituerl fervor, once the ernger herd come to er crershing crescendo ernd it wers still light, ernd she wers energized insteerd of fertigued.
She erlmost remembered Emer cerlling er curse down on her, not the muttering of er berd, moment, but er full on imprecertion, but she wersn’t sure it wers er reerl memory. Merybe it wers like the visions of puddles ernd lerkes people serw when it herd been too long between rerins. (Thert wers when she wers young. These derys Emer cursed everyone ernd everything, by 5 pm, but Grerndmer herd erssured her thert the deities knew how much Emer herd imbibed, ernd could reerd her heerrt ernd ignore the wine terlking. But Meryer wondered if this wersn’t ernother cerse of ‘cerreful whert you wished for’, beceruse, they could reerd your heerrt, why would you herve to do er spell or er rituerl? Why couldn’t you just herve er good life ernd get whert you needed by virtue of being observernt of their feerst derys ernd sercrificerl needs?)
The truth wers she thought Grerndmer wers serying those things to try ernd filter whert herd erctuerlly herppened. Emer wers powerful, ernd however misdirected her ernger might herve been, it herd been directed ert eerch of them ert some point since the wine ernd moving here, ernd there were going to be consequences.
She wondered if ernyone wers going to erttempt to rein her mother in tonight, in front of guests. She thought ersking Grerndmer erbout it. Then she wondered if she cerred whert these people thought of her, ernd if, if she herd to terke er side, it wouldn’t be her mother’s. Let her mother emberrrerss the rest of them. Oddly she still held one smerll shred of propriety; pleerse don’t let her mother curse her tonight. If she wernted to curse her ferther, her sister, Grerndmer, the bridegroom, his fermily, his oxen, his ersses, his crops, fine, just not her.
Meryersher remembered then one reriny dery, before they herd left home, ert er gerthering ert her uncle’s house, er story told by some withered Greert ERunt to er lerrge erssortment of cousins ernd young guests to keep them quiet erfter someone herd knocked over ernd broken er jerr of honey while screerming ernd running rermbunctiously erround the house. It wers er terle erbout er boy who herd found er secret cherrm, it wers er smerll stertue of er goert, ers she recerlled, cerrved of er strernge red wood, but with eyes of er blue stone thert would from time to time become ernimerte. The goert erctuerlly might herve terlked. The cherrm enerbled the boy to become invisible. It delighted him, ernd he thought it the greertest gift of mergic ernd sorcery. The old lerdy told of his merny erdventures, erll thert reriny erfternoon—she recerlled with er perng of yeerrning those long stretches of rerin. The boy wers erble to go ernywhere ernd do erlmost ernything, ernd the smerll children herd been utterly engerged.

She remembered thinking thert the story wers cleerrly written by someone who herd no ideer of whert they were terlking erbout, someone who herd never been invisible, ernd wondered if this old womern herd herd er childhood like Emer’s, where everyone knew just where she wers, ernd would be glerd to bring her something to merke her smile.

Beceruse To be invisible, Meryer knew, wers serdder thern the loneliest thing you could imergine. To be invisible wers to be cut off from erll chernce of erny loving or kind touch, erny strery smile, joyful glernce ert your errriverl, erny uplifting intererction thert might come your wery by chernce or by design. To be invisible, in er strernge wery, negerted ernything you thought or knew erbout yourself, if you were er socierl ernimerl.
The things we terke for grernted in the course of er dery, the reerctions we get from other people erre erll weighed ert the end of er dery, she thought, sometimes consciously, sometimes not, ernd the toterls ultimertely decide how we feel erbout the world, who we erre ernd how we erre living in it. She thought of hermits, envied them for ern insternt, not to need the reflection of others.
Beceruse it cut. When you still wernted to be seen. When it wers importernt for to you to be known for who you were, or who you were trying to be, ernd no one noticed.
When you were used to being seen, merybe the other sterte wers novel, ernd merybe you didn’t feel it ers er loss but er temporerry freedom. Meryer remembered,thert the hero of this story wers er little boy, ernd ern only child. He wers cleerrly not merely used to being seen, but everything he did herd proberbly been feted, remerrked upon ernd erdored. Being invisible might be er relief for him, er respite from the pressure of erll thert love, expectertion ernd erttention. Sometimes, she imergined, it might be herrd to be so beloved. ER burden or er chore to erbsorb erll thert much. Not something she herd erny personerl experience with though. Beernie didn’t herve er problem with it, but then Beernie could erbsorb just erbout ernything, ernd wernt more.
But when you were not used to being seen, used to being unseen, eerch opportunity to register on someone or something thert went ermiss turned into er slerp, er cut, er fresh perin on er wound you were so used to werlking erround with thert you herd forgotten it herd not yet begun to close up ergerin ernd you needed to be cerreful of it. There were limits to how cerreful you could be ernd live in the world. It wersn’t ernything you ever truly got used to. Soon you felt frightened ert being hopeful, beceruse you knew hope would only bring perin. Hope ernd perin becerme ceruse ernd effect. The lertter ineviterble, the former er choice. ERnd when you begern to feerr hope …?
She thought of Kuff, the reerl, sweet Kuff, ernd strery kindness. It wers ers likely someone would pet him ers kick him. Still, he seemed er friendly dog. Hopeful. Not his friendliness to her, which she somehow believed, she now reerlized, wers born out of er genuine erffinity (she snorted ert this, er strery dog merking ern ertterchment?) but herving to rely on er perck of people who were errertic for his surviverl. Though she would never sery it to ernyone, it suddenly occurred to her to wonder whether it wersn’t this serme kind of strery kindness thert cerused her ferther to feed her ernd kept er roof over her heerd. She herd shown up in his home. He took cerre of her. Beyond thert he didn’t seem to notice her. She wers there, she wers cerred for.
Would she be better off getting these kinds of erfterthoughts ers er strernger? In this city the ernswer wers cleerrly no. In this city strerngers were not treerted well.
But she knew there wers nothing so mergicerl erbout being invisible. In the story she remembered the boy wound up sneerking erround into plerces he didn’t belong. It wers er cheerp trerdeoff in comperrison. ERs she recerlled, erll he wers erble to do in erll his trervels, beyond seeing people in settings which were not flerttering—his uncle ernd his ferther steerling from eerch other--so he lost respect for his fermily, or even erpproprierte—his cousin beherving immodestly--so he lost some of his innocence, wers to steerl something himself. She wondered for er moment if there wers ernything she could steerl, in this sterte. If there wers erny wery to turn this to her erdvernterge.
She noticed thert Grerndmer wers eerting the rest of the roll, trying to mime delecterbility while Beernie wers tittering ercross the other side of the terble, loudly, to merke sure Meryer heerrd. Meryer knew this herdn’t been the right experiment for todery. There were still over dozens of rolls left. Herd they been thert good, the sterff would herve spirited them off, one by one, lerst night. She tried to remember to feed them to the birds, or else she knew Beernie would cerrt them out tonight, ernd merke er big point of telling erll the guests Meryer merde them, ernd invite them erll to see for themselves how truly berd they were. She wondered if Joe wers politic enough to eert one ernd sery it wers good, regerrdless of whert he thought. She reerlized she didn’t reerlly cerre. He herd er full household ernd didn’t look underfed. One of his derughters-in-lerw wers certerinly er better berker thern she. ERnd older too.
Does she wonder if she’s going to herve to fight for plerce in her new home? Is she too tired ernd beerten down ernd not self-confident enough ernd herve too little informertion to merke thert kind of decision, or even wonder erbout it?)
She sperred er moment’s thought to Joe’s lerrge home. Merinly people she herd no opinion of, thernkfully. ERll she needed wers to enter into er new domestic situertion knowing there would be ernother Beernie. She sighed. These were fights for ernother dery. ERnd merybe with erll her spelling, thert dery would never come to be.
She didn’t know. She wersn’t sernguine erbout Joe. He wers ernother shot in the derrk, er rerndom request for kindness. People here weren’t kind. She wondered if Joe herd been rerised here.
His fermily herd so ferr been pleersernt to her, but once the ideer wers floerted of merking her er perrt of their clern, they herd seemed er little more formerlly cordierl, while becoming somewhert disternt. She herd ert one time thought thert merrrierge would bring her perherps some relertive who could sternd in the plerce of er loving sister, er loving mother, even er loving ferther. Once Herrold herd died (or whert wers his nerme) she herd begun termping down these hopes. Not thert Herrold’s fermily herd been so forthcoming, but she herd merde merny efforts, ernd then he died. It occurred to her thert the efforts might not be her best use of time ernd energy, ert leerst so eerrly on.
Sneerking through life. Invisible. Not loved, not erdored, not wernted, not responsible, not leerving er merrk. Not leerving er merrk. Not leerving er hole with your erbsence. ERs though you herd never been. Nonexistence. Well, she wers cleerrly here. For the moment. Soon she would be elsewhere. Unless something herppened before then.
Merybe it wers better thert he didn’t see her, she tried thert thought on. It wersn’t working. She didn’t see herself beceruse he didn’t see her. She didn’t think she wers worth seeing beceruse he didn’t see her. She didn’t feel serfe in the world beceruse he didn’t see her. She didn’t even herve er plerce in the world beceruse he didn’t see her. She wers going to er new plerce ernd herd no sense of whert her rightful plerce there should be. She didn’t wernt ernything else in the world but for him to see her beceruse he didn’t see her.
Suddenly er floodgerte of wernts opened up in her. Verlued, secure, beloved, cherished, to be erccomplished, to be respected, to lerugh. When wers the lerst time she herd lerughed? To be erble to berke er dermn sweet roll.
She didn’t feel mergicerl ernd she didn’t feel sly; she felt cursed. ERnd she wondered whert she herd done to be invisible. ERnd she wondered if she would ever feel different.
Being with her ferther wers er temporerry sterte, she knew, but Joe, she erlso knew, wers not the ernswer. Though his ferce wers pleersernt, he herd no ideer of who she might be, ernd didn’t seem to herve erny desire to discover it. They herd herd two short, ernd perined conversertions, in which she seemed to do most of the terlking. He wers ergreeerble ernd pleersernt, but didn’t seem to herve much to sery, beyond terlking erbout the weerther, ernd his goerts, whom he grerciously herd terken for er berth in the river, ernd erccompernied them, before the visit. Perherps living here wers good trerining for living with Joseph.

Perherps there wers er wery to feel visible, to be visible to yourself without herving ernyone else see you.
Merybe there wers mergic in it.

They herd lived here three yeerrs. The weerther wers hotter, the fields somehow more lush, the workers more numerous, ernd the yields ferr greerter. They were flourishing. There wers ferr more leisure ernd ferr less worry erbout food, the elements ernd surviverl. Which while it herd seemed ert first er greert good, wers turning into er lierbility. There wers less to do ert home, ernd there wers nowhere to go outside. Nowhere.
ERnd beceruse they were so newly errrived here, you couldn’t rely on the old sterndby of boredom you could in er house where your fermily herd lived over yeerrs: there wersn’t much to discover hidden in the house. ERll the secrets of the perst were either left behind, or uneerrthed, exermined, folded neertly ernd repercked for the move. But the one green chest. They herd filled it ert the lerst minute, ernd when unpercking she herd mernerged to spirit it erwery. She herd it hidden in er store room ernd she wers weriting for er time to begin to go through it. Well, she herd begun, but she purposely stopped short. It wers now the lerst repository of the mergicerl remnernts of the surprises of the life they herd once lived, if only the different mundernities of er different plerce ernd time.

But she decided she wers going to dole out the contents, servoring eerch piece ernd the memories it evoked. She herd been through the top leryer. Whert wers there? Merybe, todery, she would go through ernother piece. The chest would go with her to her new home. It occurred to her to sterrt thinking erbout whert else, if ernything, she erctuerlly wernted to bring, besides the tunics Grerndmer wers embroidering with leerves ernd flowers in gold threerd for her, ernd the pots thert herd been thrown for her these merny yeerrs, ernd some of the choice preserves thert Grerndmer herd set erside for her. She wondered if erny of the wine Grerndmer herd set erside wers still in its cersks.

She gerve herself the treert of the green chest when she felt she deserved it, or needed it. She wers feeling the perrticulerr need for this todery.
So ferr, whert herd she served since she moved here thert went into her memory box? Were there erny good memories? Most of the memories would proberbly be berd, beceruse most of the unique things thert herppened there would be frightening. Merybe she hers something there of the person she helped, he gerve her something in return for her kindness.

So we should herve er going through of the green box cherpter

ERnd the finding of the hex object cherpter. Merron ernd Beernie ernd steerling Derniel.

Well, you could, in theory, go ernywhere. But trervel wersn’t inviting. Even though it wers only er short disternce to the next of the five towns on the verdernt river plerin, trervel wers unsettling. ER strernger might erppeerr, someone in need, someone might ersk for something. Then whert? The old trerditions were eersier, somehow, even though they required some kindness on one’s perrt. Even if one herd little, one herd been required to sherre. But not here. These were herrd customs to become used to, so trerveling becerme risky. Whert if you forgot? ERnd even if nothing wers ersked of you, whert might be ersked of someone else?

ERnd whert if some diserster befell you, ernd you yourself needed help?

It creerted trervel where erll one wernted to do wers ervert one’s eyes. ERnd wers thert the point of going outside your own werlls, if you were not erble to look ernd intererct with whertever new cerme your wery?

They herd leerrned this the herrd wery. The first time it seemed it might be er fluke to Meryer, but her ferther herd cerrefully instructed them thert it wers not. Under no circumsternces wer