The Terrible Terrible Terrible Terrible Terrible Terrible Grump
an excerpt

Cooper simply raised his eyebrows and went back to busying himself with smoothing out the ancient piece of paper in front of him. I peeked over his shoulder to see what kind of other-worldly scroll he was laying out so importantly.
It was Across The Universe. By The Beatles. And, judging by the ads that adorned the top and bottom of the paper, it looked like it had been printed off of lyrics.com!
“Um, Cooper?” I asked. “I don’t mean to undermine your sudden need to, ah... roll with the oldies, but shouldn’t we be thinking about getting going?” He sighed with exaspiration.
“That is exactly what I am doing,” Cooper burst out. “We must sing this magical song into the mirror, concentrating all of our power onto being transported to Eldoria!”
“Magical song?” I stammered. “Across the Universe? By The Beatles?? Maybe magical for getting stoned,” I added in an undertone.
“In order to travel to Eldoria,” said Cooper slowly, turning around again, “Yes. We must sing Across The Universe, by The Beatles.”
“Wait, the whole song?” cut in A.J. “That’s frigging really long! You guys have to sing that whole song, like, every time you want to go back to Eldoria?” A.J. wasn’t exactly the best singer. He’d never really found his voice.
“Or, I supose,” said Cooper in a tone dripping with sarcasm, “we could just take a space ship, as Master Zero has already suggested, if that seems like such a more reasonable option!”
“Really?” I asked, and A.J. perked up visibally as well. “Because honestly, my vote would be with–”
“No, of course not really!” yelled Cooper, now completely losing his cool. “Now just take one another’s hand and sing the song!” said Cooper, holding out his hand.
“Aw, man,” said A.J., “We’ve got to hold hands, too?” I laughed, and Cooper furiously took my hand held the lyrics out in front of us like a piece of chorus music. I held out my other hand to A.J., which he reluctantly took. I didn’t hold on very tight. His hand was all sweaty.
“So, how’s this one go?” I asked, just as Cooper was about to start singing.
“Really now,” he said, looking rather put out, and letting the music drop. “Don’t tell me you haven’t even heard it before?”
“Is it the one with the Bum-BAH! Bum-BAH! in it?” I asked. “I know that part.”
“That,” said Cooper, actually shaking a little, “Is The Long And Winding Road,” he said through clenched teeth. “And Phil Spector added that part, anyway!”
“Okay, let’s just get this over with,” said A.J., squirming his sweaty hand around uncomfortabely.
“Really, though, how does this one go?” I asked again meekly before Cooper could start singing. He hummed a little bit of it.
“Oh, okay,” I said. “Just sing in a meandering and tuneless way. Got it.” Cooper sighed in exaspiration and held up the song lyrics once more. We began singing:

“Words are flying out like
endless rain into a paper cup
They slither while they pass
They slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow waves of joy
are drifting thorough my open mind
Possessing and caressing me

Jai guru deva...”

“Wait, what’s that last part?” I asked.
“Really now, Zero!” yelled Cooper, completely exaspirated. “We’ll have to start all over now!”
“Oh, great!” said A.J.
“Sorry!” I yelled, “I couldn’t understand what it said! I didn’t want to get it wrong and end up in Dimension X by accident!”
“‘Jai gu-ru de-va,’” ununciated Cooper. “And then ‘Oooom.’ Do you think you can manage that part?” he said, shaking his head with exaspiration.
“Yeah, that part I think I can manage!” I grumbled.
“And then the next part is, ‘Nothing’s going to change my world,’” continued Cooper with increasing sarcasm. “Do you think you’ll have any trouble with that part?”
“No, I think I’ll be fine,” I muttered through clenched teeth.
“And then the part after that is, ‘Images of broken light,’ especially tricky, and taxing to your obviously worldly lyrical repitoir, but–”
“Yeah, I’ve got it!” I said impatiently. For a guy who was so anxious to beat the clock in saving his Princess earlier, Cooper sure liked to take his time with his sarcasm now. Finally we started singing again. A.J. was really squirming his sweaty hand around now, and I couldn’t wait to let go of it, get out of this smelly bathroom, and get on with the adventure.

“Words are flying out like
endless rain into a paper cup
They slither while they pass
They slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow waves of joy
are drifting thorough my open mind
Possessing and caressing me

Jai guru deva
Ommm...”

We continued to sing the rest of the song. I had to fight back feelings of silliness, meandering like a restless wind inside a letter box, and remind myself to concentrate on Eldoria. Eldoria. How could I concentrate on something that I had never even seen before? Instead, I started concentrating on the quest ahead of us. On the hope beyond hopes that I would be throughly impressing Lisandra in a few moments time with my heroics. And my Mom said A.J. and I weren’t going anywhere in life, I thought dismissavely. Well, I don’t know what his woodland ass is going to do when we get there, but I’m going to show everyone that I don’t need college in order to–
And then it happened. Right around the “shines around me like a million suns and calls me on and on across the universe” part, I felt this rippeling, shimmery sension in my midsection. I instantly tore my thoughts back to Eldoria. I didn’t want to accidentally transport myself to College.
The feeling slowly spread through my entire body, and as we repeated, “Jai guru deva,” over and over, I actually felt myself begin to disapear! As I looked in the mirror, I saw the fact confirmed for myself right before my eyes. I felt myself being gently sucked into the mirror, like a thousand pieces of star dust... from a very long distance away, I heard a toilet flush, and a stupified voice yell, “What the–??” I felt A.J.’s sweaty hand slowly slipping out of mine...
Then we landed in an unceremonious heap in the middle of a dark forest. I propped myself up, disentangling myself from the other members of our party and looking around at our surroundings. It appeared to be daylight far overhead, but the ancient trees that surrounded us cast such dense shadows that it felt as much like midnight as ten o’clock in the morning. I looked down at the damp patch of moss I was resting my hand on, and withdrew it instantly. The ground around it was teaming with nameless little crawly things. Just then, a long tounge shot out and snatched them all up.
“Ahh!” I shouted.