The Illuminated Memoirs of Abraham Lincoln
an excerpt

Otto von Bismarck was a remarkable man. He was remarkably filled with hatred and loathing of all things. He was once one of the most fearsome leaders and monarchs in Europe, commanding all of what would be modern Germany and the surrounding areas. His defeat in World War I signaled the end of a great militaristic leader. After he was done with politics and the military, he turned to a darker art.

With the help of the Thule society, Otto von Bismarck became a warlock of immense power. He commanded spirits and demons, his iron will entrenching upon reality like a rapist in the night. He quickly was initiated into the deepest circles of the Thule society, and once he was leader of the Thule society, he turned his attention towards the lodge.

The lodge was instrumental in his defeat. It was an all out battle between the old boys in World War I, fighting an invisible and secret war that no one else knew. Gun and blade and fist collided between some of the most notable figures in history, and unfortunately, Bismarck was on the losing side for once. He despised losing. He hated it more than he hated the French. He had let the devil inside him and let his soul be consumed with mortal and supernatural hatred. He was less a man and more of a vessel for the workings of darker spirits.

Otto von Bismarck had been hatching a plan to prove the undoing of the lodge for over a century now. It took patience and waiting, waiting for the right moment to strike. He searched for weakness in the way a torturer searches for the perfect place to strike his whip. Otto von Bismarck was the whip of the devil, and he would crack the spine of anyone and everyone who stood in his way.

Otto von Bismarck had a way of twisting people to his advantage. He could control the minds of others and do so indefinitely. Such is the case of one Adam Weishaupt. Otto had taught the Bavarian how to control the gift that had already been given to him by the darkest powers. Otto had expanded his knowledge of the occult and the dark arts, teaching him techniques that he neglected to teach anyone from the Thule society. In teaching Adam, Otto had taken control of him and poisoned his mind with a power that Adam could not undo.

Adam Weishaupt was working out perfectly for Otto von Bismarck. He had ousted George Washington out of leadership of the lodge. It was the perfect move that had sent ripples throughout the entire organization. Many members left, the notable ones who had been around since it’s formation. Adam even managed to recruit the elusive and brilliant Benjamin Franklin to join the lodge. How he managed to get Franklin off the sauce and back into science, frankly, was amazing to Otto. That man was deeply into the sauce and other drugs.

With Adam’s influence, the rest of Otto von Bismarck’s plan would soon unfold. It wasn’t enough for Adam to set up a puppet regime with Otto as the secret ruler; Otto wanted to become de facto leader of the lodge and merge the lodge and the Thule society as one great organization. With his influence, power, and magical might, Otto von Bismarck would form a secret organization that would control the destiny of every state and government in the world. Soon no one would be able to sneeze without Otto knowing about it.

All the lesser secret societies had fallen to the influence of the Thule society: the Servants of Cthulhu, the Discordians, the Erisians, the Orthodox Erisian-Discordians (what a pain in the ass they all are), the Gnomes of Zurich, the Ancient Illuminated Seers of Bavaria, the Robot Sea Monsters, the Scions of Atlantis, the Freedom Fighters of the World, the Brazilian Nazis, the Knights Templar, the Vampires from Outer Space, the Plumbers, the Enigmatic Martians, the Network, the United Hackers of the World, the World Wrestling Federation, the various Triads, the Mafia, the Mormon Secret Police, the Children of Shangri-La, Big Tobacco, the United Covens of Wiccan Practitioners, the American Culinary Federation, the Warriors of Entropy, P.E.T.A., Green Peace, the Society for the Research and Development of the Paranormal, the Federal Bureau of Investigation, the Central Intelligence Agency, the Mole Men, the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, REO Speed Wagon, the Mall Ninjas, Japanese game shows, the Yakuza, the Indian Sufis, the Shaolin Monks, the Knights of St. George, the Highlanders, Immortals for Christ, Immortals for Satan, the Nietzsche Collective, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, the United States Supreme Court, Boy Scout Troop #23, all Flaming Dire Weasels, Democrats for Cthulhu, the KGB, the Third, Fourth, Fifth, and Sixth Reichs, the Confederate States of America, Columbian Drug Lords, the Red Death, the British Society for the Discovery and Pilfering of Ancient Egyptian Paraphernalia (B.S.D.P.A.E.P.), the British Society for Occult Studies, all Norwegian death metal bands, Smugglers Who Care, Monster Island, the Guardians of Candy Land, the American Animators Union, Disney, Iraqis Against America, the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, the Frenchies, the German Nihilists, the Union of Mad Scientists, the United Nations, the Hells Angels, the Credit Card Companies, O.P.E.C., and PetCo.

Despite Otto’s prowess and progress in attempting to control the aforementioned secret societies, the lodge also has influence in each of the aforementioned societies, as well as others not even listed. Thus, it is important to Otto von Bismarck to control the lodge and cement his grip on the rest of the world. Otto would stop at nothing, and indeed, he had special plans for a particular lodge member, or ex-lodge member now. He had a special hatred reserved for Abraham Lincoln.

That freedom loving ex-leader of America personally thwarted Otto’s plans. It was upon a rainy parapet on a crumbling German castle near the Rhine that Abraham Lincoln and Otto von Bismarck fought, saber to saber, in the year 1918. It was Otto’s tenacity versus Abraham’s massive size and strength. The two were equally skilled, and Otto had never met a foe in combat who was as skilled as him.

The rain came down rapidly at an angle. It seemed to sting Otto in the eyes. Otto could still see, and he remembered seeing the black coat, slacks, and top hat of his hated for Abraham Lincoln. The two were matched at the saber, parrying, thrusting, swinging, make riposte and counter after riposte and counter. The two neither gained nor lost footing, moving back and forth like a dangerous bridge about to throw it’s travelers down below. The cat walk of the castle was slick with rain, it was impossible to move with any speed.

Otto von Bismarck made a cut for Abraham Lincoln’s legs. Abraham leapt into the air and landed on the parapet and quickly leapt down with an overhead swing. Otto barely dodged the attack and lost his footing. He tumbled backwards onto the wet stone, and the point of Abraham’s saber was pressed against his throat. The chaos of battle can be heard all around: the constant explosion of the gattling gun, the yells and screams of men, the lighting and the rain all around, the world exploded into sound.

Otto von Bismarck looked straight into the eye of Abraham Lincoln and saw that his foe was confident and in control. If he wanted to, Abe could kill Bismarck with a quick press, which would lead to a slow bleeding death. But Otto saw that Lincoln was not going to kill him, something that he was going to use to his advantage.

“Are you going to kill me, Herr Lincoln?”

“Hardly Herr Bismarck. We are going to take you back and place you into an indefinite cryogenic storage, where you will not be able to hurt anyone anymore.”

“Don’t put me in ice; give me death, that much you can do to honor my war. Give me death Herr Lincoln, or you shall regret it.”

“I will do no such thing Herr Bismarck.”

Just then the vibration of an exploded mortar shook the wall, causing Abraham Lincoln to topple over, giving Otto von Bismarck enough time to scramble onto his feet and begin the gesturing and incantation to cast a spell upon Abe. He touched the tips of his index and middle fingers together and pointed them at Abe. He began speaking an incantation just as Abraham Lincoln regained his footing and begin to move across sure-footedly towards Otto.

Otto von Bismarck opened a window into his soul and darkness crept it. It was oily and delicious and made every nerve ending in his body ignite with perverse pleasure. He could feel darkness filling beyond the brim of his being, and the dark energy manifested outside his body as it overfilled. He was in complete control of all the energy he summoned. It shined and glowed with a light that could not be in a world that had applicable physical laws.

“Baphomet, hear my call. Give me the power to smite my foe so that your servant live to perform your great deeds. Channel your wrath through me and use my as your hammer so that my foe shall be smote.”

Otto von Bismarck channeled the dark energy through the opening his hands made and it surged forth at Abraham Lincoln. The dark energy surged all over his body, visually manifesting as bolts of lightning. Abraham Lincoln fell to the stony floor and gripped his body in pain. His yell could be heard above the sound of war ongoing around Otto. The dark magic had given Otto enough time to walk over to Abe to deliver the final coup de grace.

“Say good-bye, Herr Lincoln.”

As Otto von Bismarck was about the swing the saber and bite into the neck of Abraham Lincoln, a stray bullet hit Otto in the left side of his chest, narrowly missing his heart but bleeding and paining him nonetheless. The shock of pain and force of impact caused Otto to fall over the side of the cat walk into the grounds below. The spell that ensorcelled Abraham Lincoln wore off and when Abe looked over the side, Otto von Bismarck had vanished.

As accounts had remembered it, Abraham Lincoln routed the remaining soldiers and finished their conquest of the castle by the Rhine. They had taken the headquarters of the Thule Society and crumbled it to the ground. It was because Abraham Lincoln had led the attack on the castle, destroyed it, and somehow managed to survive a fight with Otto von Bismarck, that the German warlord had reserved his hatred and loathing for him. If Otto were to see Abraham Lincoln again, only one of them would leave alive.

And Otto would make sure it was him.