Excerpt: Orders to the Magician (Illusion II)

I got this problem. I haven’t heard from my brother since he left on some save our mom, save the world mission. He said it was necessary. Necessary for him to go at it alone and do what needed to be done. I trust he’ll take care of his self. It’s not the fact that several months have gone by and no word of him. I’ve managed to keep mom distracted, under the illusion that lets her believe we are both here when in fact there are times neither of us is here.

It helps, but it doesn’t, that her health is failing her. She is sick. Much sicker than she would like to let on but he says she is dying. Her sickness is no ordinary ailment and it is something she got years ago while in the Noft. He isn’t sure how it’s possible you’ve lasted this long but our theory is that it might be a result of our father, our biological one.

Mom doesn’t talk about him much. She doesn’t talk about much of anything anymore. She use to share wild stories with us but that stopped with dementia. She’s still young but her body and mind are aged like a ninety year old woman. The only thing that is holding strong, the thing he’s holding will be the key in saving you is your soul. Mom you still have that power don’t you? I want to ask her that sometimes. When she tells us stories that she says are made up I want to ask. I don’t. He gives me anywhere from a slight nudge to hard jab to remind me it isn’t about us.

But it is. Mom you’ve become a problem. I love you but I love my power. This power that you blessed us with and possibly our father is amazing. If you gave it up I could never understand why you would. I don’t possess that power, to see those things that you keep locked away in your private dungeon.

“Your mind traps you mother,” I whisper in her ear. She is sleeping again. Most of her days are spent like this. The home health nurse is passed out in the other room thanks to the sleeping pills I found in the medicine cabinet but she probably didn’t need it anyway. I had to be sure though. I needed this time to myself, just me and her, for what might be our last time.

I don’t think she’ll make it until you get there Phillip. I’m sure I don’t want you too. I waited. I listened to your thoughts never feeling comfortable about your estimations and the implications of what your trip might bring.

“What about us?”

Your face is still, you shrug but your answer is clear. I say it for you. You might not want to say but I need to hear it.

“We die.”

“It starts over,” you correct.

“But there is a chance that it’ll be different?”

“Yes.”

“Why don’t you just let me see what you do? Maybe you’re missing something that you can’t see because you’re too-”

“Bias? Of course I am. It’s our mother for Christ sakes! Felipe how many Magician’s have we had to kill in the last month?”

“You killed none,” I say my voice rising, “I made sure you wouldn’t have to.”

He sighs, “I don’t want to keep chasing, running, making up excuses with friends because of this power. This curse,” he mumbles the last words. I ignore his choice of words for our gift.

“So you’d rather give it all up?”

“No, I’d rather have a competent set of parents that could help us, especially one that knows what we’re going through, to be there. Remember the clinic,” he says reminding me, always throwing in my face and I shake the memory loose choosing to forget.

“It was a one time thing.”

“She completely freaked! Ever since then, they’ve come from all over and I don’t know who to trust anyone.”

“You trust her.”

“Meena is different. Her mother wants to help.”

“It’s probably her mother that has Mom’s power and you’re befriending her daughter.”

“They were once friends!”

“So she says. Mom can barely remember who she is when we bring her up in conversation.”

“Felipe I’m not going argue you with this, especially when our mother can’t even remember her own name some days.”

I shrug, “whatever Phillip.”

“Can I trust you to watch over her? Until I can reach the Order, I’m not sure how long it’ll take but I know once it starts you’ll know. That’s the only thing I can say from the memories I’ve seen.”

I nod. Knowing what he’s getting at and what he’ll start talking about if I don’t send him on his way now. I wave him forward, “I’ll take care of it. I’ll put the extra shell to use while you’re gone. She won’t notice the difference.”

“Rather mom knows I’m here or gone isn't what worries me. It’s you.”

“I’ll be fine.”

This isn’t his problem. He looks at me. Not sure but knowing he can’t simply stay another moment as the time is winding down. He’ll have to go. He leaves a day later. Our goodbye is brief and our hug even shorter.

“Take care of her. She has to stay alive until I can get to them,” he reminds me before disappearing. I wonder if he called our Dad, who’s still away on a business trip. He checks in regularly but as long as the nurse update is good he stays gone. It isn’t hard to make suggestive comments to be said by the home health aide. And that is my power in a nutshell, so limited yet useful. I can’t control people actions or thoughts but I can plant the seed and hope they’ll water the doubt, the love, the hate, the anger, any and all range of items that come to me.

“But now that doesn’t matter anymore,” I inform her, “I’ve given Phillip his time. And I know now. I want to live. I don’t want to fade back into non existent or wherever we go when your track is rewound anew. Why does it matter that the Noft no longer exist? Even if it did you still die. You die in every scenario. I still don’t understand. Why any of this is important? Why it has to happen? You don’t save the Noft, you live a little longer, but you still die young. Why fight what’s bound to happen?”

I sigh loud and she shakes, her breath stirs but it goes back to a comfortable rhythm.

“Mom,” I whine, “Phillip doesn’t tell me anything.”
She doesn’t move. I wish for her breath to just stop.

Make it so.

“I want to live,” a panic seizing me, my hand reaching for the pillow and I silently hope one of them will come and take this burden from me.