Excerpt: George A. Tanimura and the Gaypocalypse

World War III started because some dumbass shot another dumbass and the whole world decided to go and get pissy about it.

True story.

I’m not telling you this to try and make you laugh, I’m telling you because it really happened and you of all people should just… Just know that, would you? It really happened. All of it, I mean it, some Chinese kid decided it’d be a grand idea to shoot this minister Chowmein* guy and make a big show of it and shit and the whole world just went to hell about it. I mean really went to hell, that shit went bad so quick it was pretty amazing.

Yeah, yeah. No, really, you want the story? I mean, I wasn’t there, but everybody knows the general story. No, I’ll lay it out for you, here goes: P’s Repub** gets all pissy, US gets all pissy right back and all the sudden everybody’s CIA is after everybody else’s CIA. Nah, they didn’t want any shit, see? But they weren’t gunna take any either, you know that, I know that, guys never take that sorta shit. So they all went after everybody else, and I know you’re thinkin’ war, you’re thinkin’ soldiers and guns and big platoons and babies crying and all that, but there wasn’t any a that, not even. Nah, see, ever since the Cold War everybody’s been all “MAD” on everybody else so they din’t wanna pull out their guns or anything cuz they thought that as soon as they did that, somebody was gunna drop The Bomb and then we’d all be fucked, which is pretty much what happened anyway, but I’m getting to that. I’m getting to that. Lemme finish.

Look, lemme start from the beginning. The beginning, way back, I’m talkin’ the first. F-25: the biggest, baddest rock we’d ever seen, big shitfest of a Christmas present from outer space. Crashed right near… God, what was it, this tiny little island near Guam. Or maybe it was Guam?*** I don’t remember. The point is it plowed straight into us. And by us I mean Earth. And by plowed straight into us, I mean it plowed straight. Into us. Just… CHA-CHOWM.

Like that. Only bigger.

The point is, that happened and then whadya think. Well, earthquake. Big one, actually. And a shitload of tsunamis. A shitload. …tsunami. I guess. You don’t put the end “s” on Japanese words. They don’t do that, bet you didn’t know. Bet you just go around saying “tsunamis” and “kimonos” and “kamikazes” like all the others. Well, now y’know. They don’t do that. So… Shitloads of tsunami. Whatever I was saying, what was I saying? Uh… tsunami and then the…

Uh…

Oh, right, so there’s the earthquake and the tsunami, and that shit’s pretty bad… Anyway, but the really bad thing is that a whole assload of sea water gets vaporized into the atmosphere. Yeah, that was pretty bad. Yeah, cuz see, turns out when that happens, these things called salt clouds form, right? These great big floating islands of putrid shit that just sorta float around and rain down on the lushest forests in the world and turn the soil into just… Like nothin’. And they started raining on Indonesia and all over South America and guess what happens when you poor a bunch of salt water on a rain forest? Yeah, that’s right, it dies. And that’s what kids. That’s right, it’s bad.

Anyway so that happened. Oh, and all those tsunamis ended up submerging… God, pretty much everything. Like, think of every single coastal port in existence and it was under about a mile of sea water a day after F-25 hit. Yeah, y’know why they called it F-25? Cuz the first scientist who saw it said “fuck” twenty five straight times. It’s true.

S’pretty much what everybody else did too, though. Can’t really blame the guy. Sometimes there’s just nothing else to say.

So it ended it up that if you woke up on Christmas Day, 2020, either you were under water or everybody else was. And so everybody started to get a little freaky. You gotta think, seriously, every port that wasn’t inland pretty much got…just…washed away. And so, y’know, so did international commerce, that was a serious bummer.
Anyway, like I said, shit like this happens and people just get…freaky. Like you don’t even know. They just get weird. And some guy in China decided it’d be a great idea to shoot senator whomever in the name a capitalism and you can imagine how that all went over. Not great for those of my audience who ride the shorter bus, and they just went ahead and blamed America, cuz, I dunno, after Bush 2 I guess it became this weird kinda fad. It was… I dunno, everybody always gets all touchy when I say this, but it was really stupid. The whole thing, honestly. I mean, everybody knows China has no issues with punishment, I mean they got the whole thing down to this like…artform. I mean, I dunno why they didn’t just publicly castrate the guy or whatever they do with all their other criminals. I mean, scandal is scandal, but he wasn’t working with the US or anything. It was kind of like everybody was mad about something that day so they decided to just be mad at each other to avoid wasting time trying to actually fix anything. I dunno. You probably don’t think it’s that simple, but it probably is. Things tend to be a lot simpler than you ever think they are. I mean, at least, if you’re smart. Smart people always tend to think other people are as smart as they are.

And the thing is they’re just not. Smart people tend to think people’ve got, like, all these complex motive and all this intelligence and shit and they just don’t, honestly. People are really stupid. I mean, you’d have to be, to be a politician. You think I’m joking but I’m not.

Anyway, China got mad at the US and the US got all mad because China was mad and then they just kind of started fighting. I mean, I guess it was more complicated than that, but I’m not gunna go into that – it didn’t make sense when it was happening and it doesn’t make sense now. Everybody was flipping out and then the NUSSR reformed – or, I mean, I guess you’d say the USSR reformed and became the NUSSR but whatever. Anyway, that happened, and everybody kind of started flipping and the US and China were being all pissy at each other and so China basically started making a lot of friends the US didn’t like and being just… I don’t even know. I mean, nobody had any money and everybody was all freaky and things just happened. And then that guy shot that other guy and whatever. Shit hit the fan. Everybody sent their little James Bonds after everybody else’s Dr. Octopuses…Octopi? I don’t really care. Whatever. You get it. The point is, it got really shitty for a while there. I mean really shitty. Hell, they almost completely forgot about us. Everybody did. The whole world went to shit. Or war. Or whatever, maybe they’re the same. US and China were fighting. All a Europe stated fighting. Koreas started fighting. Cuba started fighting everybody. And it just kinda went. You didn’t really know what was happening until afterwards, cuz it was all secret, so you never knew who was winning or losing or what was happening. It was just… God. So stupid. I really can’t even tell you, you’d have to have been there, and I know you weren’t, cuz if you were, I wouldn’t have to say any of this to begin with.

Anyway, like I said, the Koreas were fighting, and Kim Il Whatever thought it’d be a good idea to drop The Bomb. And so he did and then everybody was like, “oh, this is fucked. And we should knock this shit off.” And so they did.

No seriously, that’s how it happened. Really stupid. So stupid, Christ, you don’ even know. But here we were and the world was just this smoking pile of horseshit and it was mostly our own damn fault.

And then when we thought it couldn’t get any worse, Y-03 hit.

…yeah.

That sucked.