Sex Warp
an excerpt

“Huh. So, that girl Jessica likes you.”

“Are we talking about that now?”

“Yeah, try to keep up. What’s the deal there? You work for her dad. Isn’t that, like, incest?”

“I think the word you’re looking for is nepotism and, no, it isn’t like that. I thought I made that clear – she doesn’t interest me. She’s all yours.”

Jack instinctively wanted to deny his interest, despite already having professed his love – in French and more than once. He didn’t. But he wasn’t prepared to admit his interest either. He said nothing.

“You look,” Joe said, “like a guppy that’s jumped out of its tank. Opening and closing your mouth without saying anything.”

“When I have nothing to say,” Jack said, “I say it. I say nothing, I mean. The antecedent wasn’t clear. I say nothing. Not ‘nothing.’ I don’t literally say ‘nothing,’” and Jack clarified his meaning hear with air-quotes. “I mean, I don’t say anything. That’s anything, not,” air-quotes again, “’anything.’”

Joe waited until he was sure Jack was finished, then asked, “Are you familiar with Tourette’s syndrome?”

“Fuck, no,” Jack said.

-----

Jack pedaled as fast as he could to make it back to his dorm. The speed of his bike increased the wind chill and idly he wondered if, IF, he could remember any calculus there was some sort of optimum he should be striving for in terms of total time in the cold versus intensity of cold.

Ahead of him was one of the three traffic lights on campus. He ignored, as all bikers did. Besides, it was 2am and there was no traffic. Unfortunately there was a campus security officer, bored with nothing to do. He flashed his lights and siren and Jack stopped his bike, feet on the ground.

“I’ll need to see your license, sir,” the officer said.
“I don’t have a license,” Jack said.
“Some ID then.”
Jack showed him his college ID. The officer wrote down the details.
“Sir,” the officer said, “I have to ask – have you been drinking?”
“I. Have. Been. Drinking,” Jack said carefully.
“I’m going to need you to step off the bike, sir.”
Jack swung his leg over the bike and found himself looking up at it from the ground. He released his grip on the handlebar and the bike majestically toppled over to his left.
“Sir, I’m going to need you to take a field sobriety test.”
“No problem, officer. I love tests. Bring it on.”
“You’re going to need to stand up first, sir.”
Jack stood, carefully.
“Yes, sir,” he said, and snapped off a salute that he hoped was jaunty.
“Can you repeat the alaphabet –
“ABCDEF-
“Backwards, said the officer.”
“Backwards?” asked Jack.
“Yes, sir. The alphabet backwards.”
“I think so, let me try. ZYZXWvutsrqponlkjihgefedcba, how’s that.”
“Close, sir. Would you like to try again?”
“zyxwbvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba.”
“Very close, sir. One more go?”
“Yes, please,” Jack said.
“zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba.”
“Very good, sir,” said the officer. “On your way then.”
“Thank you,” said Jack, and set off for the dorms.