Excerpt: Crushing the Competition

However, my asshole ex is not nearly as interesting as talking to Jack about the worst judge in our district. Her name is Lou Anne Ross, but everyone calls her “The Peach Judge.” Throughout the first round of every tournament, without fail, she eats peaches. She doesn’t cut them up before she eats them, either, she just sinks her crooked teeth right into them, letting the juice slide down her chin and drip onto the ballots. I have ballots with peach stains on them. It’s unbelievably distracting despite how quietly she eats them. The worst part is that she’s a total stickler for eye contact, so you have to look at her. There is nothing worse than seeing L. A. Ross listed as the judge for your first round.
I am both proud and ashamed to admit that I even wrote a song inspired by her that has become quite popular in our district. It’s called “A Peach of a Speech.”

At ass o’clock on Saturdays
I put on my favorite suit
I watch the sun rise high
As my coach maps the route
And I sit on a bus for hours
While I think of my favorite fruit

Because speech is a peach
But peaches have pits
And I love to debate
But I mostly just sit
In the cafeteria
With my teammates
While I wait for my rounds
And to see if I break
Speech is a peach with a pit

On these early mornings
I walk through the halls
Of a school I don’t attend
And see people talk to walls
I think nothing of it
As I find an empty stall

And our parents just don’t get it
And our friends say we should quit
But where would we get peaches
If there were no seeds in the pits?

Because speech is a peach
But peaches have pits
And I love to orate
But I mostly just sit
In the cafeteria
With my teammates
While I wait for my rounds
And to see if I break
Speech is a peach with a pit

Because speech is a peach
But peaches have pits
And I love to debate
But I mostly just sit
In the cafeteria
With my teammates
While I wait for my rounds
And to see if I break
Speech is a peach with a pit
Oh, speech is a peach with a pit.