The Abolished Bureaucracy
an excerpt

“Admiral, there is a ship at the extreme range of my sensors.” The computer on board the Merican Flagship said. “It seems to be a completely mechanical ship, with otherwise similar technologies to mine. It has a crew of beings similar to yourselves, who breath a very similar atmosphere to your own. It's armament is of similar proportions to mine, though of lower yield and speed. It's sensors can at this range passively detect me through my sensor output, but will only be capable of getting active data at two thirds of the current distance which is...”

Admiral Poe interrupted her. “That's quite a bit more data than I can absorb, Babel. I'm sure you can also remember it better than me. I've recently noticed that my memory isn't what it used to be. Then again, I'm not sure it ever was.” He said laughingly. “What I do need to know, is when I can contact them.”

“In precisely twenty five minutes and thirty four sec- thirty three sec- thirty two sec-”She kept interrupting herself. After Admiral Poe told her he didn't need so precise an answer, she said “Sorry, Admiral. I do my best to keep you properly informed.”

“I'm in my office. If anybody needs me, my door is visible.” Emdot went into his office and the door closed behind him. His mind wandered between the ship in the distance and his own ship. He wondered if any other ship in the universe could have as major a historical significance as Babel. His ship was hardly recognizable as the ship she was back then. Her biological redundancies and cerebral cortex made his life less lonely. He enjoyed her companion-ship subroutines, as they make the life of a captain easier to bear. He could certainly have used that when Marion caused all the trouble she made twenty five years ago, even if it was for a good cause.

His musing was brought to an abrupt halt as the subject of his thoughts- no, that's not quite accurate... The human subject of his thoughts. Yes, that was better - “Admiral?” Chief Engineer Bridge interrupted his thoughts again.

“Yes, Chief?”

“Babel sent me to call you back to the bridge, apparently her voice boxes in the office are out of order.”

“I'm on my way”

As he entered the bridge he noticed the unknown vessel holding position off to port. “Open call channel.” He told Babel.

The VidCom screen turned on to show- A log cabin? Why would they have a log cabin on a ship?

As if reading Emdot's mind, a man who sat staring into the fire stood up and said “It's to relieve the stress of our work. Apparently it increases efficiency.”

“Pleasure to meet you. I'm Admiral Poe of the Fleet of Meric. With whom do I have the pleasure to speak?”

“President Charles Trapido. On the SAF ship Cassandra. Your ship has a very odd configuration on the upper hull, what do you keep there, if it's not rude to ask?”

“It's my primary cognitive functions, as well as my lungs, which are designed to inhale what the crew exhale and purify it for them-”

“Maybe you should have those cognitive functions repaired?” President Trapido suggested, looking like he almost meant it.

“Hey!” Babel said. “I heard that!”

“So what exactly is the SAF?” Admiral Poe asked.

“A peace loving federation. Our ships are primarily used for exploration. And the Fleet of Meric?”

“We're a fleet of battle as well as exploration. We did have some internal problems a while ago, but those are over.”

“We would like to have you as our allies. I invite you and a delegation of your officers to come on my ship and talk over the treaty.”

“We'll quantumize over.”

Emdot called his senior staff to meet him in the probability lounge. Together, they were transformed to quantum particles which were on Cassandra and transformed back to people. “President Trapido, allow me to introduce my senior staff. First officer Gottesmann, Program manager Ofri, and Chief Engineer Bridge.”

“My staff is indisposed right now, but I'm sure the ship computer can show your officers around. We outlawed bioships as being too unpredictable. How did your fleet tame the minds of your ships?”

“We never did. It's a long story. Maybe I'll find the time to tell it.”

Emdot and Trapido proceeded up towards the bridge and the Captains lounge.

“So, tell me about your fleet, what kinds of things do you want in the treaty?” Trapido asked.

“To be honest, it doesn't matter very much. You see, we have practically no bureaucracy in our fleet.”

“What!? How can you have no bureaucracy? It's impossible!” Trapido asked.

Admiral Poe started to explain “It's my Chief Engineer, Marion Bridge. Before she revolted, we had the most oppressive bureaucracy imaginable. It became a Cartiocracy.” Emdot practically choked out the last word. “It was all my fault, of course. I created the bureaucracy to prevent the fleet from repeating the Writtish mistake.”

25 years earlier

The Writts were in turmoil. The Emperor had been assassinated by the admiral of his fleet. His first act as Emperor had been to establish Martial Law on all the colony worlds. His empire extended from the Meric region to the Chin sector, and Admiral Shtibelhui wanted every last creature in the ten thousand solar systems to worship him.

His Chief of Staff, Vice Admiral Poe, was unhappy with the new arrangement. Besides the cost to the fleet, the number of lives lost to the insanity of the Emperor would be Astronomical. He saw only one course of action.

“Emperor,” he addressed Shtibelhui, “If we're going to uphold your regime we need full fleet exercises. I need to go for deep space combat training.”

“How long will it take?” Shtibelhui asked.

“Three months is the fastest it can be.” Emdot lied. “But it could take a lot longer than that if there are any problems.”

“Very well. If you're not back within two months with a properly trained fleet I expect you might find that I found a new Vice Admiral.”

Emdot took the fleet out and provided them with their orders, a three month training course and liberating the Meric systems from Writtish rule. The first thing he did, was to implement a bureaucracy to prevent one person from having too much power:

To prevent the use of ship armament on innocent populations, a form needed to be filed for each torpedo stating what the target was. Another stating which torpedo was used, identification by serial number, explosive type, yield, etc. Yet another form saying who authorized the launch, and another saying which launch bay was used and who loaded it into the shaft. The last form showed what collateral damage there was, and how much the repairs would cost. Until all those forms were filed, the torpedo could not be replaced, and the new systems were put in all the ships to ensure that the rules were followed.

To prevent anyone from turning himself into a new emperor, there were bureaucratic blockades to prevent a single person from holding more than one of the three senior positions: President, Admiral and Press Agent. Emdot decided to keep the post of admiral and transfer the other two positions to other worthy people in the fleet. For ten years the system worked exactly as Emdot expected it to. At least, he thought it did.

Back to the present

“So that's the Writtish part of our history.” Emdot told President Trapido. “About fifteen years ago, we had a major battle. I had no idea what was happening with my republic. We added new paperwork as it became necessary to save ourselves from dictatorship. I never noticed that the paperwork created the need for more paperwork. We nearly got killed because of my paper frenzy.”

15 years earlier

“Admiral! We're being attacked!” Emdot heard the shout over the comm system. He jumped out of bed, and ran to the command module of his ship. The attackers were difficult to identify, but they inflicted enough damage that their identity wasn't the problem.

“Return fire.” He ordered the tactical officer. “Authorization code EA13D4 for the form”

The attacking ship had heavy shielding, and the Flagship soon ran out of torpedoes in the torpedo bays. Admiral Poe shouted into the comm “Hurry up with those forms, we need the torpedoes NOW”

Down in the Torpedo Supply Room, Private First Class Marion Bridge was fuming. How quickly did Admiral Poe think that she could file these stupid forms? Didn't he realize what a monster this damned bureaucracy he made was? She barely manages to fill one form while the ship fires six torpedoes. She took out a hand quantumiser and fired it at the wall of the warehouse. Immediately, the wall was transformed into quantum particles, which were in the middle of Emdot's room, and changed back into a wall. However, it no longer blocked the torpedoes from the rest of the ship, and using the hand quantumiser she transferred a full quota of torpedoes to each bay.

The torpedoes arrived just in time to prevent the battle from ending with the Flagship destroyed, but the method used to get them to the bays was clearly against the rules and therefore Marion had to be Court Marshalled. She arrived at the Court Marshal holding her head up high, and knowing that the worst Emdot could inflict would still be better than dying in battle.

“I, Admiral Poe, Emdot Hip, hereby convene the Court Marshal of Private First Class Bridge, Marion. Let the record show, that while seemingly necessary at the time, PFC Bridge's actions caused damage to the ship, and to the laws upholding our republic.” Emdot said into the transcriber. “In addition, let the records show that her actions placed a wall in the door of the Admiral's bathroom. Anything to say in your defense, Ms. Bridge?”

Marion was slightly amused at the location her quantumiser had been set to. Who was the last person to use it? She didn't let anything show through her mask of total apathy. “If you think the laws are worth more than all the lives in the Republic of Meric, than I have nothing to say which will make my actions acceptable. If you took us from the Writts to keep us alive, I suggest you deal with the real problems not the people who have to live with them.” having delivered her little speech Marion stopped caring what happened next. If she was thrown in the brig she could always demand monetary restitution. Emdot could certainly afford it. He started talking again, Marion listened.

“You would do well to stop the insolence, if you want to get off without being dismissed from the service. As is, I am very much inclined to give you a long sentence of physical labor. Do you have anything else to say in your defense?”
“If you wanted to punish me, you'd have to leave me right where I am. You don't get it, do you?” The bitterness was dripping from Marion's voice. “This bureaucracy you made to keep someone from becoming a dictator, has become exactly that. A dictator, built by Admiral Poe.”

Emdot was unsure how to respond. Did she mean what she said about the bureaucracy? Could he possibly have been that blind? He would not let her talk her way out of a proper punishment for her actions. What kind of physical labor would be appropriate? Cleaning the halls was too easy, and scrubbing the toilets would be too demeaning. Engineering would be a good enough solution, it's hard and respectable work. “I sentence PFC Bridge to twelve months of work in engineering.”

Back to present

“Of course, she was right. I hadn't seen any of that. In fact, I still didn't at that point. After the year she was in Engineering, she didn't want to leave, and the Chief Engineer didn't want to lose her. So she stayed. The worse aspect of the whole thing, was the rumors. Somehow before anyone left the Court Marshal, the whole ship knew she got off. It made a major revolt break out among the desk jockeys. You couldn't walk into a single office without encountering a sit-in. Somebody ejected the ship's ink tanks. You wouldn't believe how long it took to find them. Until we picked them up again we had to learn how to make our own ink. We used charcoal and water, but the ink we made was too easy to wash off the documents, which is exactly what they did.”

President Trapido asked his first question. “How come your security papers couldn't tell you who the culprits were?” He sounded like he actually meant the question, not like he was being sarcastic.

“The forms said everyone was doing what they were supposed to. Nobody was reported as doing anything out of the ordinary. We tried having surprise inspections, but you know they always managed to round everybody up in the hour warning they had.”

“An hour warning on a surprise inspection?” Trapido asked in disbelief. “Why did you warn them?”

“Because they needed to file the inspection forms, and there are about five forms to fill out for each person in the department we're inspecting. For a regular inspection, we need to give them about a month warning.”

14 years earlier

The ship rocked in the silence of space. The recently recovered ink tanks were ruptured from inside the ship. A flood of ink covered the deck with the officer's quarters, getting chest deep. Admiral Poe woke up when the waves started lapping at his bed. In the dark he didn't see what the flood was, but the minute he turned the lights on, he knew the ship was in danger. Last time, at least they knew they could recover the ink. Now, they had to get to port fast, or the ship wouldn't be allowed to harvest fuel from comets, or even change bearing. He quickly gathered up as much ink as he could in bottles, hoping it would be enough to keep the ship running until they hit port. Just getting the carpets cleaned would take a pint and a half of ink.

He rushed down the ladder to the printing press room, and found the paper bins flooded with ink. He managed to save enough paper to print the fifty seven forms for returning to the star base and the forms for cleaning the carpets in three quarters of the quarters.

Five days later the ship ran out of water, and didn't have the forms needed to synthesize more. The final two days of the journey, everybody had to get water by all kinds of methods, half of them illicit. When the ship reached the star base, Emdot walked off slightly dehydrated. The president and press agent met with him and a decision was reached to start the paperwork to reevaluate the bureaucracy. Emdot announced on the ship wide PA that within a century and a half the bureaucracy should be made more efficient, and everyone should calm down. Of course, the trouble makers didn't want the change in a hundred and fifty years, they wanted it now.

The next target, since guards were placed along the whole seam of the ink tank, was the printing press. It was sabotaged in as many ways as possible, on several occasions. The frames for laying out the letters were 'misplaced', and for two weeks all activity on the ship was suspended to search for them. The oil for the bearings was replaced with a fast acting glue, causing the ship to make yet another detour to star base. While sitting at port, the rebels got word that the rebellion has spread to the farthest reaches of the fleet, and since the fleet security counted on the reports given to security, no one was caught.

The bureaucracy in the meantime, was putting up a fight of it's own. Any time the rebels struck a blow against it, everyone on board the ship or on the planet where it happened, had to fill out a series of forms, which became longer as the attacks continued. Eventually, the press agent decided to publish a call to arms in defense of the bureaucracy. All the volunteers were reported to security as having been out of their posts at inappropriate times and as having done things that could destabilize the republic.

Back to present

“The next thing we tried, was to make a paperless office. It would save us loads of ink and paper, and eliminate the main targets of the rebellion. Of course, that never works right. The rebels kept destroying the computers, and requisitioning new parts and repairs cost us tons of time, ink, and paper. We also had an idea of introducing a biological computer, on the assumption that the rebels wouldn't attack a living being. That blew up in our faces too.

12 years earlier

“Admiral Poe calling all crew members. Admiral Poe calling all crew members. We have introduced on our ship a new computer. This is a prototype DNA computer, which is sentient enough to identify any saboteur. Anybody who tampers with her, will be locked in a cell for as long as there's enough paper to sign extra time for him. Let's all have a warm welcome for Babel.” Emdot switched off the record button and said “Please broadcast the message on ship wide com.”

A silky female voice replied “I can't do that, it's an unnecessary energy expenditure. I need you to fill out the forms numbered AD34F4, 6457AC, 62134B and FFFFFF to make it an official necessity.”

“Damn it, Babel! I'm an admiral, not a paper pusher!” He shouted at her.

“You seem a little tense. If you fill out the forms numbered 0023AD, 4400FF and 112200 I can provide you with an assortment of tension relieving activities.” Babel responded.

Down in the printing press room, the whole team was laughing at the trouble this new Anti-Rebel idea was giving the admiral. “She understood me perfectly.” Marion told her friends. “When I was installing her, I explained the situation, and she promised to take our side. Just wait until he finally decides to fill out those forms. It's going to make this look like a sad joke.”

Back in the command center, Emdot was slowly going crazy. “Just give me the damn forms to broadcast the announcement!” He said.

“I can't do that,” Babel intoned, “it's an unnecessary waste of paper and ink. You'll need to requisition those in order to get the forms.”

“Then give me requisitioning forms.”

“Certainly not. You're being rude.” Babel almost sounded insulted.

“Please give me the requisitioning forms.” Emdot said in a deliberate and polite way.

“I can't do that,” Babel intoned again, “it's an unnecessary waste of paper and ink. You'll need to requisition those in order to get the forms.”

“How am I supposed to requisition the forms, if I can't get the forms to requisition them with?” Emdot demanded.

“Well,” Babel said thoughtfully, “I guess it's true. You are intelligent.”

“You're also supposed to be! What kind of virus have they infected you with?”

“Virus? I believe I was created with immunities to all known disease causing bacterial and viral agents. However, if you insist on checking you only need to fill out the forms numbered 4F376E, 00DAAF, EEBFFB, A10C95, 3A1F1E, 499E01, D341C8, F1D2CB, CE2545, AFD067, E6105B - ”

“Enough with quoting those forms at me! You won't let me fill them out anyway!”

“But I thought you liked forms. Your people need to fill out about twenty different forms just to get a meal on your table. In order to save your own ship you won't overlook this bureaucracy. Why is it that suddenly you don't want to hear about it?”

Emdot went to shut down the biological computer, but she refused to give up. “In order to go into the control box you need to fill out the forms numbered E8D784, DA2DB9, 4495B4, -” as he finished prying open the box she suddenly yelled “Hey! You are not allowed to remove my process chips unless you fill out the forms numbered 10B491, E7A99DC, 43ACA8,” Emdot pulled the process chips out as quickly as he could. “C B 9 3 2 3, D D 6 C A A, 4 5 B 2 E C, C 3 3 0 F F,” and then as he pulled out the last few chips she said very slowly “Fiiiiiiivvvvvvveeeee” and was silent.

Back to present

“The story doesn't end there. If you were paying any attention to what I said, you'd have noticed that in fifteen years Marion became Chief Engineer.” Emdot said. “Her enthusiastic approach to engineering made her gain skill and experience very quickly. Within a short time, she knew more than half the other engineers did. About five years ago we had a major emergency in engineering, and she saved the ship.”

5 years earlier

“Loose quantums in engineering. Evacuate immediately.” A mechanical voice said. Marion was filing out with the rest of the engineers when she saw the Chief with a large hole through her leg. She ran over to help the chief, but the quantum effects were spreading rapidly and the chief lost cohesion as her cells developed random quantum probabilities. Marion looked at the screen of the computer, and saw the quantum flux routine spike dangerously in the emergency engines. She started to shut them down so that they could be given a quantum flush, and in parallel also scanned the engine room for stray quantum particles. The rest of the engineering team having left the room, Marion sealed the Quantum Bulkhead in place as she continued to flush the engine room.

The main engine was being flooded with quantum particles, and Marion had to perform a tricky maneuver to extract them while the engine was running, but she pulled it off without a hitch. She made sure the engineering was clean and then lifted the Bulkhead and let the team back in.

The investigation of the event in engineering showed that Marion Bridge acted properly in an emergency situation, and her name was sent out to Fleet Head Quarters to send her for more thorough training in engineering so she could become chief within a few years.

Back to present

“So now we have her back, and as our chief engineer she already developed methods for allowing the biological components of our computer interact with the electronic components while remaining a separate entity. She also developed our Inverted Shielding System. It stores up the energy that comes in contact with it and can either use the energy to power the ship, or to attack the ship attacking us. If we have an overflow, it bleeds it through the hull into space. One time we were pulled into a star and caused a nova, so we've been careful since then. When you meet her she has a very quiet personality, but she is the most valued member of my crew.” Emdot told Trapido.

The engineering section on Cassandra

“So, you outlawed biological vessels in your fleet?” Marion asked the SAF chief engineer.

“The prototypes all had serious personality problems. We had one that we made with the intention of it being one step ahead of IBM, but it turned out to be a homicidal maniac. All the others went insane because they couldn't take the strain of their work.”

“Ours are designed to have a certain amount of moral character. That helped me a few years ago, and it's what prevents our computers from going power crazy and they get eased into a full workload to find out how much of a strain they can take. The rest of the work is given to a mechanical computer.”

“What kind of propulsion do your ships use?”

“We hook tachyons for faster than light travel, and we have an emergency quantum probability drive. We try not to use it more than necessary. I mean, it doesn't do badly for small objects like people or walls, and it's instantaneous, but the effects of turning a starship into a tachyon stream have never been fully explored. We also use tachyons for our torpedoes. For sub light we use an engine that works on the magnetic poles of stars and planets”

“Quantum probability on walls? What would you want to move a wall for?”

Marion told him about the war against bureaucracy and the torpedo incident which she got in trouble for.

“You mean you had to sign a form to eat lunch? How could people have remained silent for as long as they did?”

“Because speaking out would have required them to fill out even more forms.” Marion said, not bothering to hide the bitterness in her voice. “The Cartiocracy was very good at holding on to it's power.”

Back on the bridge

“So tell me more about this miracle worker, has she invented anything else?” President Trapido asked.

“If you look at our ship, you'll see we have no generator on board. We simply have enough energy to last for a few decades, and if we run low we charge off the corona of a star.” Emdot replied. “She also designed our emergency quantum drive from a small hand quantumizer. It was nice getting to know you, I'm going to have to return to my ship now.” And he quantumized away.

Back on Babel

“Let's get moving.” Emdot said once the rest of the probability party arrived.

Marion looked at him in alarm. “Admiral, something got into Babel.”

“What do you mean, got into Babel?”

“She wants us to buy a ton of unnecessary software. Sh

“Buy a new computer to run all this wonderful software I am supposed to advertise! It's all for the good cause of making Gates richer.” Babel pleaded with them in a voice that wasn't her own.

“Why would a portal need money?” Said Babel's voice.

“The necessity for programs to take up too much space and take longer than necessary to run is self evident. If we made them more economical, advances in computing would be fewer and far between.” The new voice answered.