The Complete Idiot's Guide to The Married Man
an excerpt

Life is a constant parade of things that we never meant to do. No one ever meant to spill coffee down the front of a white shirt. No one ever meant to drive a rented car into the back of a parked bus. No one ever meant to buy a pair of pants that made their rear end appear to be three sizes larger than it actually is.

No one ever meant to embark on a relationship that would be rocky even during the best times before ultimately ending badly. However, all of these things do happen, and usually when we least want or expect them.

The following is a guide to surviving something that every woman swears she will never do but many women find themselves doing anyway, becoming involved with a Married Man. Ironically, most of the Married Men with whom these women become involved also swore at some point in their pasts that they would never cheat on their wives. The Universe is enjoying a good laugh at all of our expenses, but since the Universe is considerably larger and more powerful than we are, it is, perhaps, wisest not to attempt to dissuade it from its enjoyment of our trials. It has given us chocolate, alcohol and many pretty shoes in return for keeping it amused. We should be grateful.

If you find yourself involved with a Married Man, the facts of your situation are as follows:

1-You will be subject to emotional turmoil the likes of which cannot be found in any other relationship.

2-You will spend a great deal of time asking yourself why you are willingly subjecting yourself to said emotional turmoil.

3-Your use of profanity as a result of the emotional turmoil to which you are willingly subjecting yourself will grow louder and more colorful than it has ever been or will ever be at any other point in your life, with the possible exceptions of giving birth and hearing someone else yell "Bingo" when you only needed one more number.

4-You will consume larger amounts of chocolate and alcohol, and purchase a far greater number of pretty shoes, during the course of this relationship than you normally would during any other equal period of time in your life.

5-Your relationship will end badly. Please do not think you will be the exception to this rule. There have been approximately six exceptions to this rule since human beings first walked the planet. Given these figures, please accept upfront that you are not likely to be the seventh, and plan accordingly.

6-The echo you hear at the bad end of your relationship will be the Universe laughing at you. Do not take this personally. It’s just what the Universe does when its inhabitants make complete fools of themselves.

This is not to say that your relationship with a Married Man will be nothing but misery, heartache, confrontation, temporary separation, reconciliation, drunken bouts of profanity-laced chocolate consumption, and questioning the meaning of life and your place in it. These activities will most likely only take up approximately eighty percent of your time.

But then, is any relationship ever entirely perfect?