What Could Be
an excerpt

She let go of his hand and turned to walk away. She knew it was something that she had to do and she knew that if she didn’t walk away now that she may never again be strong enough to do it in the future. She put one foot in front of another and one-step led to the next step. She could do this, she was a strong person and she could do it without letting him see her cry. She would save those for the long trip to her future. She never turned her head; there would be no looking back.

He had never felt as empty as he did in this brief moment. Her touch had never elicited such a response before. He knew he had been a fool. Why did it take her walking away to allow him to finally feel everything that had been the last 10 years? All this time he knew she was special and unlike any other woman that he had ever known, he just couldn’t see beyond what he thought he needed her to be.

She sat in her car with the keys in the ignition. She was frozen in the moment that had just occurred. The moment that should have happened a thousand times in the last ten years that she had never been able to go through with. The moment where she finally stopped chasing the straight and went all in and finally put an end to the poker game that they had been playing for far too long.

The tears came before she could turn the key in the ignition. The tears were the kind of an infant that’s in an unexplainable pain. They were pure and primitive. The kind that would leave her fair skin blotchy and red and her head would feel like she was recovering from a two day drunk fest. They were the tears that one-day she would say cleansed her soul. She sat in car for hours mourning her loss and preparing herself to move on and forward.

10 years before

Raven was sitting at her computer trying to finish the last few paragraphs of her article for the impending deadline. She had officially been supporting herself as a writer for the last six months. She had been trying to free lance write since college but had her breakthrough six months ago when she had finally had a piece published in a small publication. Since then she had quit her job and had several pieces published and a few contacts at some decent magazines. She had finally gone all in and wasn’t about to look back, but her savings were dwindling and it was imperative for her to meet this deadline. She didn’t want to have to go to her mother to borrow rent money. She wanted to prove her mother wrong and that she could support her self with her “little hobby” as her mother called it. She wrote “How To” articles for men regarding women that she hoped would soon be picked up as a regular column with a Men’s magazine. She was currently working on an article called How To Be The Man She needs you to be and Still Be Yourself. She was having a hard time finishing it because, frankly, wasn’t even sure she knew what she wanted or needed a man to be. However, this is what the editor wanted so she damned well was going to be the one to write it.

She had been single for a very long time, now that she thought about it; she had probably been single for about 2 years. She dated but it was never anything that amounted to more than a few dates. It always ended up that the men she liked and would have considered for a long-term relationship were indifferent to her, however the men that could love her, she was indifferent to. It was a cycle that she didn’t seem to be able to break. She was 25 and pitifully single, no perfect relationship experience ever and she had ironically enough gotten her big break by writing a how to date article for men. She had written the article as a joke for her best friend whom was constantly complaining that men didn’t know how to date. Life was full of irony.

Raven’s phone rang. She knew who it was before she even answered. It was her mother. It seemed that her mother had not heard from her baby sister in a few days and her mother was worried. It didn’t surprise Raven at all; her sister went for days on end without having any contact with anyone. Her mother had that worried nurturing sound to her voice, so Raven knew that she would succumb to whatever ridiculous request her mother would make. Her mother wanted her to figure out her sister’s email password and send all her contacts an email to see if anyone knew where Susan was. Raven rolled her eyes and silently prayed that she would not be able to figure out the password and look ridiculous, but she also knew that she would have to try. Her mother would accept nothing less and she would never hear the end of it.

Raven amazed herself by succeeding on her second attempt at her sister’s password. Susan was so predictable. She looked at the inbox and decided to be nice and skip reading all her sisters emails. She was proud of her for leaving them untouched. She now had the impossible mission of coming up with an email that was worded in a way that would not make her sound insane. It took multiple attempts but she finally was happy with the wording.

Hey Everyone,

This is Raven, Susan’s sister. My mom and I haven’t been able to reach Susan in a few days and were hoping that someone on her contact list had been in contact with her. We are worried about her.

If you have heard from her, please email me at RavenJ@aol.com.

Thanks,
R

She called her mother to let her know that the mission had been accomplished and now all they could do is wait. Hopefully, this would temporarily sustain her mother and she could get back to work on her article.

She finished typing the last sentence of the article but was still not happy with it. She had perfectionist tendencies and was never completely happy with her work. She decided that taking a break from the article might be what she needed in order to get her creative juices flowing again. She decided to log on to the Internet to see if anyone had responded to her crazy email request for information on her sister.

It wasn’t a shock to hear the mail generated computer voice announce that she had mail. She clicked the icon and was surprised to see an email from an unknown source. She was a naturally curious person; you have to be in order to be a writer, so it took her all of three seconds to click on the link and read the email.

Raven,

I haven’t heard from Susan in over a week.

Susan speaks of you all the time. She goes on and on about how beautiful you are. So when I received the email, I thought I would take the chance to find out for myself. So are you?

I wish I could give you more information on Susan. If I hear anything from her or about her I will let you know.

Matt

The words “What a jackass” popped out of Raven’s mouth immediately after she read the email. Seriously, who hits on a girl they don’t know via the Internet that is worried and looking for their sister. This man, this Matt was incoercible. She damned herself for being slightly intrigued about this Matt guy. It didn’t help that she was bored and still hadn’t figured out exactly what that last sentence needed. She decided to send him a nice little email back. Maybe emailing a witty reply would help her feel witty enough to write the last sentence.

Matt:

Thank you for your prompt response. I would greatly appreciate any information that you obtain regarding Susan.

As far as my beauty is concerned, I must say that Susan is very kind. She is the true beauty of the family. So are you a true beauty?

Susan has never spoken of you, but from the email I can see you are quite the guy.

R

She signed off her computer and decided to call her mother to let her know about the email and that she still didn’t know anything. She prayed that it would be her mother’s voicemail that answered her call so that she could just leave a message and not have any other mission laid before her.

10 years ahead

Matt Stood in the park and watched her walk away. He wanted to run after her or at least yell for her to stop and come back. He had never seen that look in her eyes before and the words wouldn’t leave his mouth. His voice had rendered him helpless. His feet felt like they were cemented into the ground. If only he had a way to take back those last few minutes or just redo some of the past years. If only.

It took Matt what seemed like forever to finally walk from the park to where his car was parked. The drive home seemed like forever. He couldn’t get Raven and the way should looked out of his head. He could feel how hard her honesty had come to her and he didn’t say anything. He had just left her fluttering in the wind like a bird taking its first flight. He had been silent and she finally had just turned and walked away. I guess his silence spoke volumes that he hadn’t meant for it to speak. He was now driving to around aimlessly, finally feeling the extent of his loss not knowing what the hell to do. It was then that he remembered and he remembered it vividly.

10 years before

Matt was sending out yet another resume. He needed to find a job or start his Master’s program before his parents finally cut him off. They decided at 22, he needed to be serious; he had gotten his degree a year ago. They allowed him a year of traveling but now they were on his back to start life and stop sponging of them. So here he was sending out resumes for jobs that he had no interest in and playing on the Internet. He checked his inbox and noticed an email from Susan.

He and Susan had met in college. She was a nice little blonde with boobs that would make any man drool. She would never give him the time of day so they became friends. He read the email. It wasn’t from Susan but instead from her sister, Raven. Susan was always so annoyed with Raven. She claimed that she hadn’t had a date in two years and couldn’t understand why. She thought Raven was the “hot” one in the family. He always thought she was crazy because Susan was definitely one of the prettiest women he had ever met.

He thought about it and it seemed like forever since he had heard from Susan. Which really was not shocking. Susan was always busy trying new things and going places. He wouldn’t hear from her for a month and then out of the blue when he least expected it she would send him a crazy email that he only ever half understood. She definitely walked to the beat of her own drum.

He decided to email this Raven creature back; maybe it would keep him entertained for a few minutes and help him avoid the reality of needing to find a job.
He explained that he had not heard from Susan in a while and decided to push the envelope a little. Hey you can’t get slapped over the Internet so why not. If he were lucky maybe she would send him a nice little photo or at worst she would hit delete.
Within a matter of moments he received a response. He read the email and couldn’t help but laugh. She was exactly as Susan describe her “sarcastic and jaded.” After he read it he knew he had to get to know this creature. He loved a challenge and he knew she would be a challenge.

Raven:

No problem on the information about Susan. She is a bit sporadic.

As far as if I am a beauty or not (I prefer handsome), you will have to judge for yourself. I’ve attached a photo.

Matt

He sat at his computer waiting for a response. Hell, he had nothing better to do that he wanted to do anyway. He waited and waited and well to no surprise she didn’t email him back.

Raven

She had written and rewritten that stupid last sentence a dozen times and finally determined it would just have to do. She only had twenty minutes left to email the article to the publisher in hopes that it would get published. They told her what to write, she wrote it and then they determined if they would publish and pay for it. It was a frustrating cycle but one that she couldn’t change. She logged onto her Internet and into her email so that she could upload the article and submit it. She laughed as she noticed an email from Matt. This guy must be crazy. She quickly submitted her article and then went back to read the email.

She read the email and couldn’t believe this stranger was actually sending her a picture of himself. He must be insane. She decided to leave well enough alone and not even look at the picture. She did not need to know what insane man on the internet looked like, she should be concentrating on trying to locate Susan before her crazy mother started nagging her again. She decided to stop wasting time on the Internet and drive over to see if maybe her mother missed any clues when searching Susan’s apartment.

She returned home empty handed. She made dinner, returned phone calls and at 9 o’clock she was bored. She tried to watch television to entertain herself, but she couldn’t help but think about that email. She didn’t want to look at that picture sitting in her inbox, but her curiosity was getting the better of her. She lied to herself and decided she would check her email to see if there were any in there about Susan. She logged on to her email but there wasn’t anything new. The email left in her inbox was the one from Matt. She didn’t want to open it and click on the picture but she couldn’t help herself. She downloaded the picture and up popped an incredible looking man. He wasn’t the most handsome man she had ever seen, but he was nothing that she had expected. She wasn’t exactly sure why she had expected him to look like a token nerd, Susan never hung out with men that were nerdy, but for some reason she expected this nerdy internet guy. In reality, he had a sparkle to his blue eyes and perfect teeth surrounded by the perfect smiles and dimples that you could get lost looking at. Raven was out of control. She had to get rid of this picture and sign off immediately. Why on earth was she so affected by a stupid little picture? She was definitely not going to email him. She logged out and went promptly to bed.

She tossed and turned all night. She dreamt of that stupid Internet man. She woke up a thousand times and it took every fiber of her being to not check her email and send a response to him. Finally, in the morning and with a lack of sleep she gave into her urges and emailed him back.

Matt:

We are still looking for Susan. I guess she decided to leave the Country.

Anyway, you’re not too bad. I should have known. Susan wouldn’t hang out with someone that wasn’t cute.

I don’t know if you have seen Susan for a while, she’s changed her hair again. Here’s a picture. I think she might still be single as well.

She purposely attached a picture of her and Susan that had just been taken before Susan’s most recent disappearance. She was trying to be subtle, however, she knew she had failed miserably and sent the email anyway. All she could do now was wait.

Matt- 10 years ago

Matt was getting ready to leave for his interview when he noticed that he had an email. He looked and it was from her. He was surprised. He didn’t think she would respond. He didn’t have time to look. He would read it as soon as he made it back to his apartment. He needed to get this job that he didn’t want before his parents stopped paying his rent.

He returned from his interviewed pleased with himself. They had already scheduled the second interview, which was always a good sign. He grabbed a beer from the refrigerator and decided to read the email that had been waiting for him all day. He was curious to see what this Raven would have to say back to him. He couldn’t help but laugh when he read it. “Who does she think she’s fooling?” He downloaded the picture and up popped to incredibly gorgeous women. Susan had been right; Raven was breathtakingly beautiful. She wasn’t a model; she was more than that. You could tell by the picture that she didn’t realize how attractive she was, which only made her that much more attractive. She had blue eyes that not only sparkled but also drew you in. They made you want to know her. Her hair was long and a shade of chestnut that lack an adjective to describe it. He knew that he had to know this creature. What he didn’t know is how he was going to go about it without scaring her off.

Raven and Matt

Susan reappeared eventually. She had flown all the way to Vermont to meet some man she had meet on the Internet. She didn’t tell her mom or Raven where exactly she had met him, only that she had and after 5 glorious days together they had decided to get married. They planned to fly to Vegas in a month and make it official. Linda Jericho was not amused but knew there was nothing she could do to prevent it at least she had one almost sane daughter in Raven. Her only wish for Raven was to actually leave her house and date. She feared the Rave didn’t realize how special she really was and this made her incredibly sad and worried.

Raven and Matt had been sending emails back and forth for a few months. She knew she was insane but there was just something about this Internet man that she was drawn to. She couldn’t help herself; she looked forward to his emails. They were always filled with his daily adventures and his new job that he hated but endured. She would talk about the article she was pushing herself to write and sometimes he would add his two cents. She would never admit it, but he was actually the help that she needed. He encouraged her and just the idea of him made her creative juices stir.

Matt looked forward to Raven’s emails. She was unlike any woman that he had ever encountered. She was brilliant and just a little insane. She wrote these hysterical how to articles for men and he wasn’t all that sure she knew what she was talking about, but they were funny enough that he almost bought every word that she typed. He wanted to tell her that they needed to meet but he also didn’t want to do or say anything that would push her away. He had to be careful and broach the subject slowly. They lived in different states and many hours away. He was in Thousand Oaks and she was in Denver. This was going to take some planning on his part. He decided to tell her he was going to be in Denver for a business meeting and she needed to have dinner with him.

After a dozen more emails back and forth, and a few more days, Matt determined that the time was right to send the email that he had written days ago.

R

My company is sending me to Denver in a few weeks. I would love it if we could meet for dinner one evening.

M

He clicked on the send button, crossed his fingers and hoped for the best. The worse case scenario would be for her to say no. Which would leave him in the same place that he was currently inn. Nothing ventured nothing gained was his motto. Matt was the kind of guy who had lived a charmed life, and he was very aware that is what charmed. Matt would want something and Matt would get it. He had been brought up with the finer things in life but had street smarts and could charm almost any woman he came into contact with. Matt was the dangerous kind of man that knew the games he played.

She had just endured the day from hell. The editor had just rejected her third rewrite of an article that she had submitted a month ago and dearly needed to be published. If they didn’t decide to buy this article or one of her various other pieces, she would be forced to consider finding a real job or humiliating herself and asking her mother for money, neither of which was something she wanted to think about. She thought about checking her email to see if Matt had written her but she was to mentally tired to come up with anything witty to respond back with if he had. Instead she took a long hot shower and crawled into her bed with a towel still wrapped around her long wet hair. She knew she would regret it in the morning because it would be a tangled mess and would take her forever to get undone but for tonight she thought be damned her precious hair and hello sweet comfort of bed.

Raven woke with a renewed attitude and ready to face the challenges that the world held for her. It’s amazing what a good nights sleep can do for a girl’s attitude. She went into the kitchen, brewed her coffee and then went back to the living room to turn her laptop on. Next she headed to the bathroom to get a brush to try and get her hair to some form of normal. It was never good to go to bed with wet hair. She brushed her hair as she went back to grab her coffee and then headed for her email. She sifted through her email, deleting the junk, flagging the work email and looking for the one from Matt. She would read Matt’s first because she was more than positive the editor was going to hate her re-wrote and send more cruel words her way. She would save those for when she was more mentally prepared. After skimming through all the emails, she didn’t see one from Matt. She was disappointed. Matt hadn’t gone a full day without emailing her since his initial response to her email regarding Susan.

She was disappointed. She didn’t want to be but she admitted it herself that she was. She decided to go for a run. Running always helped clear her mind and put everything back into perspective. Denver was freezing in February so she bundled up, grabbed her headphones and headed to the door. She was going to run that man out of her mind or freeze to death, whichever happened first.

She only made it a mile when her overanalyzing finally got the better of him and she decided that she was freezing and needed a better way to distract herself. Why was she letting some man that she only knew from a few dozen emails worry her so much? It wasn’t normal and she needed to stop the insanity of it immediately. This was not who the type of woman to worry about a man calling or paying attention to her, let alone email her. She was a self-made woman, well sort of; she had her mom to fall back on. She was educated and funny and damn this man for getting into her head.

She arrived back home freezing and determined to face the editor’s email and begin to rewrite the article for a fourth and hopefully last time. She was bound and determined to work. She logged on to her email and opened the flagged email file. She clicked on the first email and to her surprise it was the email from matt, that just an hour ago, she was positive had not arrived. Now here it was in her work file. She opened the email like it was a Christmas present. She read it six times to be sure she had read it correctly. This email left her confused and definitely meant a call to her best friend. Work was just going to have to wait for the time being.

She had met her best friend, Bridgette while witnessing in a bar during college in Kansas. They had become unlikely friends because of their love for football, especially college football. They worked every Saturday, so they could make money and watch the games. It was enough of a connection to bond them together for what Raven was sure would be a lifetime. After college Raven moved back to Denver to be close to family and Bridgette went to medical school in Des Moines. Even though they were hours apart, they still were each other’s rock and tried to talk daily on the phone. They knew that if either one ever needed anything the other one would be there. They had always been completely honest with one another. It was a friendship that they both knew the value of.

Bridgette answered the phone to an overly excited Raven saying “He want to meet! What the hell am I going to do?”

No one other than Bridgette would have known who or what Raven was speaking of. “Slow down. Are you talking about that Matt guy?” She said this already knowing the answer. He was the only man that Bridgette had talked about in the last six months. She loved her friend but Bridgette was worried. She was worried that her friend might be putting all her eggs in one basket and putting too much stock in a guy she hadn’t met. She knew that no matter what she would be supportive of Raven and would cross her fingers that it worked out.

Raven explained to Bridgette “he emailed me. He is coming to Denver on business and wants to meet for dinner one night.”

“So what are you going to do?”

“I don’t know. What do you think? I mean I know it’s kind of weird to meet a total stranger that you’ve been emailing from the Internet. I know he’s a friend of Susan’s but I don’t know. I’m confused. There’s just something about him. I must be insane. How did I get like this?” Raven knew she wasn’t saying anything that Bridge, the name Raven had given her the first year they had known each other, hadn’t been thinking herself, but she said it anyway.

Bridge laughed and assured her that she was indeed insane but she would only live once so why not embrace the insanity and just go for it. It was just dinner and one night in her life. ‘What’s the worse thing that could happen?” Bridge asked.

Raven’s reply came quickly, “He could be a psycho serial killer that preys on random women that on the Internet or worse than that, I could like him. I mean I could really like him.”

“Raven, one day you are just going to have to trust yourself and trust others. Not all men are your dad and not all men are going to hurt you. You deserve to be happy and to have a good life and all the good things in life. If you never take a chance and believe in yourself then it can’t happen. How many times do I have to tell you this before you believe me?” Bridge felt for her friend, she knew all the heartache that her dad and various men had caused her, but she knew that Raven had to allow herself to heal and move on.

Bridgette could hear the fear and the sadness in Raven’s voice as she said, “I know you are right, it’s just hard. It’s hard to let people in and make them understand. I know I need to try but I’m just not sure I can make it through being hurt again.”

The call ended with Raven still not knowing still not knowing what to do. Should she take the risk or just put an end to all the silly madness of the email relationship? She did have another option. She could talk to Susan since she knew Matt personally. The only problem was that she would have to explain how she broke into her email and had emailed all her friends looking for her. Susan liked her privacy and probably would not be very happy that she had done it. It was too late now and she really didn’t regret it. If she hadn’t she wouldn’t be in this dilemma.

Raven finished the rewrite of her article, submitted it to the editor yet again, and then called Susan. The phone call went better than she had expected it to go. Susan was only slightly annoyed that Raven had figured out her password. She assured her that she would be changing it the second she got off the phone. She did, however, warn her that although Matt was extremely attractive and normally a nice guy he went through a million women faster than any other man that she had ever known and she had known lots of men. She explained that he was very aware of all he had to offer and he used it to his benefit and most women’s detriment. He knew every game and had a sixth sense that just made him deadly. The conversation left her more confused then when it had begun. On one hand Susan knew Matt when they were in College and weren’t all men players in college and didn’t men miraculously mature after college. The other factor was that it was just dinner, one little harmless dinner. It wasn’t like they were ever going to amount to anything. Who was she trying to fool she was hoping for more, so much more. She was certain now that she needed someone to commit her to the nuthouse.

Matt waited all day and there was still no email from Raven. He worked in a constant state of distraction. He couldn’t help but wonder why the hell she wasn’t answering. It was just dinner! It wasn’t like he was asking her to meet him at a hotel for a night of wild casual sex although he knew that was a very real possibility if that’s what he decided he wanted but he would never suggest it over an email. He was smart enough to just suggest dinner, he knew how the game worked. Why was this girl getting under his skin? He knew he could date any woman that he wanted in Thousand Oaks and he had tried over the last few months but no woman had held his attention for more than a night. Raven was constantly on his mind. She was beautiful, smart and she could make him laugh through email. She was rare. He had to meet her.

After two days of waiting, the answer to his email was finally in his inbox. Destiny laid in his inbox, now all he had to do is open it and read.

M

Dinner would be great. Let me know when you will be in town and I will try and be available.

Do you want me to invite Susan to join us? I know you haven’t seen each other in a while.

R

It wasn’t the exact response he had wanted. What was she thinking, if he had wanted to see Susan he would have called her and asked her himself. He tried to figure out what game she was playing, because girls were always playing a game. She was definitely a hard woman to figure out. He closed his email and decided to respond to it later.