Excerpt:

Captain Kirk stood tall, his chest puffed wide, his hair falling in luxurious locks down to his shoulder.
“I am the captain!” he declared.
“I believe that’s captain morgan’s line,” sir, pointed out the red shirt.
“I am still the captain!”
“As you say sir.”
“I - the captain - must now know how the hair spell goes!”
“Well, sir.”
“The captain is pleased.”
“Yes, sir.”
“The captain will now have woman.”
“They’re all hiding from you, sir.”
“The captain will now have you turned into a woman.”
“…Sir?”
“Grow breasts, man!”
The male stared at him, nondescript brown hair hanging in front of nondescript brown eyes as he wore his nondescript puzzled look. :”With all do respect, sir… hell no.”
”… the captain will now turn gay!”
The man just blinked.
“The captain commands you to bring him Legolas!”
“Sir… I don’t think he’s gay…”
“The captain declares one does not have to be a gay elf to love the captain! For the captain is awesome! And besides, have you seen that man’s hair? It’s freakin gorgeous, dude! He’s practically a girl!”
“Sir? You stopped saying captain.”
“The captain has done no such thing! Now go bring me the manflesh that looks womanly.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Oh, and can you pick me up a coke while you’re out there?”
“Diet?”
“The captain is unconcerned for his figure! … but yes. The captain would be pleased by a diet. With a serving of doooooooooooom!”
“Of course, sir.”
“Hairy doom! Captain Picard shall rue the day he failed to wear the captain’s wig and insulted him with his baldness!”
“Of course, sir.”
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The battle warred around him, always a million miles away, never touching, never hurting. Always just beyond the periphery. A sword lashed at his face, to be knocked aside by a bullet. A bullet whizzed by his ear to be deflected by a sword. All lf it was worthless. All of it was meaningless. All of it was way too dramatic. And all of it, as he let himself reemerge with the world, would go to waste before his might.
He let out the battle cry.
“Yo yo, peeps! D-vader is in teh House!”

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She stared at him,her eyes narrowing and teeth gritting even as her fingers began to flex and her tail began to twitch.

"You defowled my home, boiled my fish, tangled my yarn and stole. my. catnip!"

Her claws unsheathed, silvery bits of bone poking from her finger tips as she lunged forward. "You. WIll. DIE!"

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(Spocks)

"It makes me want too... dance! And sing, and hold a little girl in my hands... to kiss her on the forehead, toss her out a window - and get me my own man!"