Confessions of Toaster Boy
an excerpt

This is supposed to help me. This. Writing to myself as if I don’t already know what I’m thinking. Fucking doctors. What is this supposed to do? I’ve already got thoughts swirling around in my head, everywhere I go, DISTRACTING. Now I’ve got to SEE them too? Swarensberg said that this is going to feel like “opening a dam”, “letting out the thoughts in my head like great bodies of water”. It’s supposed to “relieve pressure”.

I guess I can say that he might be on to something, because suddenly I feel just a little less angry about it.

So what can I say that I don’t already know? Or am I supposed to go on about things I already know? How exactly does this shit work? This is supposed to take me somewhere? Swarensberg said that I should pretend that I am writing to someone else.

Pretend. Yeah, like I’m twelve. EMBARRASSING.

Okay, here’s the headline: I’m a FREAK.

I’m a LOSER.

I hate EVERYONE!!!

ESPECIALLY YOU, DOCTOR SWARENSBERG!

***

Ok. In hindsight I can admit that the last bit came off a little harsh. I don’t really hate everyone. Never did. But I can confidently say that everyone certainly hated me.

No, I guess that isn’t true either.

I could lie, but then I would just be lying to myself, so what’s the point of lying?

My parents loved me. I guess. They PROBABLY loved me. Isn’t that the way things are in movies and shit? Kids get away with anything. A semi-grown child could be killing innocent strangers all over the place and his parents would fucking WORSHIP him. OH he’s our only son and could do no wrong! And so I have to believe that my parents loved me. Because if an only child can become a mass murderer, and still have somewhere to go for the holidays, then it should be only fair that I am welcome despite my little quirks.

In fact, that’s all it is. A quirk. That’s what mom kept saying to her friends whenever they asked about me. He’s just a little funny for his age. Still, here I am with weekly visitation rights to a fucking shrink. I’m too old for writing essays.