Excerpt: Meanderings

Do other people have daymares like me? I mean, I know lots of people daydream and whatnot, but what about the things I do? My brain clings to something and it just keeps running with it and every possible little thing that will go wrong. Because in my brain, my vision of the future, everything does go wrong. ALL the time.
I imagine conversations I need to have with people and the worst possible reaction. And I have the full conversation in my head. Screaming match and everything, when I’m just… by myself… in the bathroom. In my room. Silently fighting against… myself? My worst fears? My paranoia. And I end up shaken and sobbing.
Not sure if others have this kind of…violent encounter with their subconscious but these are really, really, terrifyingly common for me. Well, they used to be, but they’ve been gone for the most part since William and I started dating.
Hello, Paranoia Mine, it’s not been nearly long enough. And I can’t really say that I am happy to see you. You are, after all, the dark side of me I wish would just fall of the face of the planet and stop making me cry. Stop making me feel so very, very….horrible. Gut wrenching worry and physical pain manifestation. Die in a fire, Paranoia Mine. Die in a fire.

But, no. You’ve got me whimpering and in your grip again, and this time my mind is not the only battlefield you decided to tread on. You know what a weapon this body can be, and how this mind can affect it.

I know, Paranoia Mine, you will be the first to point out that I am to blame for a great deal of this hell you are pulling me through. It was me, who did not take her pills correctly for a full month. Or not take the pills, as the case may be. And it was me, who said to Will that I was finally ready to take the plunge and actually have sex.
But we did use a condom, and it didn’t even last for that long. It was the day after I finished my period which means I was not ovulating. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. PLEASE tell me it isn’t true. Please stop FUCKING with my mind and admit that it is NOT freaking POSSIBLE that I am pregnant.
Because it really isn’t possible. But, Paranoia Mine, you are clever and you like to needle away at my logic. Women can get pregnant at any time during their cycle. Sperm can last in the body for a few days before the cells die. My birth control was obviously fucked by my inability to take it daily. Condoms are NOT one hundred percent effective.
Thank you for that.
I really love your helpful regurgitation of health class.
I AM NOT PREGNANT.
Oh, but you are, Dominique.
I am NOT pregnant.
You should be bleeding right now if you weren’t.
My period has always been a little irregular. Stop it.
It’s evened out a lot since you were sixteen. What’s that slight ache in your stomach? The irritation in your bowels. You’re tired all the time, and prone to feeling queasy at work, aren’t you?
I shouldn’t have looked up early pregnancy symptoms online. My temperature is not up. My nipples are not darker. I’m tired because I’ve not slept enough in the past few days. I never sleep enough. Stop it. Now.
All in good time. Congratulations to the glowing mother to be.
STOP IT. Please… Go away.
Who are we going to tell first? William? Your Mother? Beth and TaNeesha? Your father? Devin and Alex?
Nobody. No. I AM NOT pregnant. Shut up. Please. Just don’t.
How will William react to learning he’s going to be a father? He doesn’t like the niece he is stuck with now. Won’t he resent you for forcing him into this situation? Because you ARE going to keep the baby, right. As much as you think most parents these days are idiots and shouldn’t be trusted with a child. You can’t turn it over to someone else.
William loves me. It won’t matter. It takes two people to get pregnant, which I’m NOT, and he would work through it with me, whatever my decision.
Would he? What would the diplomatic solution be? A hurried wedding, stealing TaNeesha’s thunder in being the first one married? She’ll love that. And that’s only if you KEEP the baby. Are you keeping the baby?
Yes…No…. I’m not pregnant, stop it.
Yes you are. What about your parents? How are you going to tackle that can of worms? Hmmm? They were less than thrilled when Alex was only suspected to be Kayla’s father. They were resistant to you even dating William. And you and I KNOW they will be upset at you wanting to marry someone who is SIXTEEN years older than yourself. You are, after all, the baby, the GIRL, and they don’t really want to lose all of their children. Not yet.
Even if I were pregnant, I would be scared, but I would talk to mommy calmly. I am an adult. I would tell her that I did use two different forms of protection. That I’d waited eight months to have sex. That I love William and it was my decision to take it a step farther and that I am going to take responsibility for my actions.
She’ll be pissed. Deadly quiet. When she does speak she will tell you exactly how much you have fucked up your life. How disappointed she is in you.
She will calm down eventually. I’m an adult. And I’m NOT PREGNANT. Stop it.
You could tell your girlfriends first. See what they have to say. After all they’ve had pregnancy scares in the past. It’s not like it is anything new for this group of friends. You’re just a pack of harlots and whores. But, oh, wont TaNeesha be upset. She wants a baby of her own so badly she can taste it. What with your botched early wedding and your pregnancy you’ll be lucky if she’ll even talk to you when you tell her the news.
She’d help me. She knows how much I’d be terrified and I’d need her.
But you’d have betrayed her. First her wedding. Then her baby. You’d be the symbol of everything she does not have. If she really cared about you wouldn’t she have kept in contact with you when she moved. Wouldn’t she still act like your friend after she started dating your brother. If you two were such good friends why aren’t YOU her maid of honor?
Stop it.
Lets hope the baby doesn't die of SIDS like Jamie and Justin’s did. It is a COMMON thing, you know. Can’t stop it. That’s if you even have the thing. Knowing your life, you’d miscarry. Probably late in the pregnancy. You don’t think that you’d be fertile, do you?
ENOUGH! Get out. Go. Stop it. LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.

And it doesn’t stop. I never does. It wont until I start my period or until it doesn’t come and I take the test. Even now it’s just needling at me. Making me feel sick on my stomach. It’s like a poison in my mind and I can’t find the fucking antibodies, anti-venom.
Oh my goodness I wish I could just stop this.