Excerpt: Defense Mechanism

Preface Excerpt:

There are probably a lot more people I have no bothered to personally mention – sorry – you are just not worth the effort to write about. Everyone else in my life besides those mentioned were just passing faces that in all honesty I have no recollections of names to attach. But it is important for the rest of you to know that never did one of you pull something over on me. I saw you put those items in my locker and backpack. I heard you talk about me behind my back. I felt those paper planes hit me on the back of my head. Don’t for a second think any of you were sly or funny or even cunning.

The decision to end my life involves no second or third party.

For those who have read this – whether addressed to them or not – please try and understand. I am not a weak person who has merely given up on life. Rather I have speeded up the process of arriving to the after life. Every one will die eventually; I have just punched my ticket in before the due date. None of you will probably have any idea how hard it was to go through with this. I mean this in the literal sense. This was not a spur of the moment idea thought up doing a bad day. I had more than enough time to think about this, especially doing the time of cutting through my wrists. All I had was that stupid pink lady daisy razor. I killed myself with a pink razor decorated with plastic daisies. It took hours just break through the skin. Maybe drinking poison would have been easier or perhaps hanging myself from the ceiling fan would have a wiser choice. Too late now. Heh. Death by fruity razor, heck of a way to go.

I guess this is the part I say goodbye and just for dramatic effect I’ll say, until never again.

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Chapter 1 Excerpt:

“Come on guys, we have to think of something to do. We are not going to spend the last few days of vacation sitting on our butts.”

I didn’t know how to respond. Going out and doing something sounded good in theory, but in actuality it might end up back-firing on me. Spending my days outside in the fresh air, instead of being locked up in my room, allowed no time for wallowing in self-pity. But going out meant going out and socializing; I don’t think I can actually do both. Most places I went to doing the summer required just one. Things like seeing a movie meant just actually going out whereas going to a party meant I had to mingle with the crowd.

“Isn’t there a concert or something playing?” I asked, hoping for the first. Concerts didn’t really require socializing; everyone was just there for the music and nothing more.

“I heard from Mel there is a rave this weekend at the Downtown District,” I stifled a grumble at Eden’s suggestion.

“At the Sunset? You know cops bust those parties up quick.” Levi did air-quotes as he said, “Too much violence.”

Parties held at Sunset only lasted a few hours at most before people got too out control. It was ridiculous to go since most of the time by the time you got there, it was being broken up. In all truthfulness, the gatherings did usually end up on the violent side. I remember being an eyewitness to a guy being stabbed on the left leg over a lost game of cards or dice. Scary stuff.

“But I want to dance.” Putting on her pouting face and puppy-dog eyes, she kneeled in front of me, while reaching out for my hand. “Dance with me Nalani,” she wined.

I didn’t stand a chance against the look on her face; which is probably why Levi was avoiding looking directly at her. Once you looked at her, you were a goner. She took my hand and pulled me to my feet as I groaned in disapproval. Her hips sway to the imagery music inside her head. I try to keep her rhythm, but I’m failing horribly. I feel so foolish. Chancing a glance at Levi, I see that he is having the time of his life watching and laughing at us.

“I quit.” Moving quickly, I dodge Eden’s grip of death and plant myself back on the bench. “If you want to dance that badly then just dance with Levi. I’m sure he’ll love to.”

The words were innocent enough. I didn’t realize the full implications they held until several minutes later, when they both looked like deer caught in headlights. I couldn’t take it back now, even if I wanted to. It surprised me to realize that I didn’t want to take back what I said. Part of me – a selfish and immature part – wanted to see their reactions. Would they act on impulse, or would they hold back for my sake? More importantly, how did I want them to react? Neither possibility can satisfy me. If he declines than it would just mean their sparing my feelings at the sacrifice of theirs, but if he accepts than that will make me… a complete idiot. Curiosity killed the cat and because I was curious of their actual feelings it was going to kill my heart. I should have kept my mouth shut and just danced with her myself.

Eden extended her hand in front of Levi. “Dance with me?” Her slim hand slightly faltered; almost as if she was afraid of his possible rejection. Somehow I doubt it is the rejection of a dance that is surging through her mind.

But he didn’t reject her.

Levi didn’t think twice about it before clasping his hand over hers. Was he that anxious for the chance of physical contact with her…or am I just being that paranoid? I think I am insane. Friends dance. It is normal for friends to dance with each other without having romantic feelings for each other. Their random dancing moves didn’t constitute anything other than total wackiness.

I laughed and clapped on encouraging them. “Shake those money makers!” From doing the moonwalk to doing the robot and everything in-between, both of them moved like a couple of baby monkeys. It has to be a heck of sight to behold for passing bystanders.

The random acts of jumping around ceased and then I noticed that Levi had placed his hand around hers. The contact seemed to shun them this universe and separate them to a place where only they existed. He swung her body towards him in a twirling motion, holding her now by the waist, they moved to a slower rhythm of music. I can see it all. The way she looks at him through lowered lashes, the way his fingers play with the hem of her shirt and brush against her skin, and the way their bodies look so comfortable in each others hold. They looked like long-lost lovers reunited and never wanting to let go of the other ever again: so spellbound in their own little world that they have completely forgotten that I am sitting here watching them.

Hello! I am sitting right here! Can’t you see me? I’m right here!

I had to bite my tongue from screaming those words out loud. I knew prompting them to dance was a bad idea. The warm, burning, sensation was spreading fast through my veins and to my heart. Every nerve in my body was shaking now and I can feel my eyes on the edge of spilling tears. I took a deep breathe: it didn’t help. If anything I thought I may be hyperventilating.

With a roll of nausea at the back of my throat, I moved away as fast as I could without making myself sicker. I needed something to take this overwhelming feeling away. Looking around, I spotted Eden’s abandoned skateboard from earlier. Without a moment’s hesitation I took it under my arm. I lied one time; I don’t know how to skateboard. When I first met Levi and Eden I lied and told them I did. It was two-faced and made me feel like scum, but I didn’t care as long as they allowed me to bask in their sun. They seemed so cool – an untouchable type of cool – and all I wanted was to be a part of that. From the way they dressed, to the way they talked, to the way they presented themselves to the world without apology: it was all so mystifying. Unfortunately for me their looks came with a lifestyle that revolved around skate boarding, something I had no knowledge of. The second I fell flat on my face, my lie came undone. But our newly developed friendship didn’t. Neither of them cared that I lied and neither brought up the fact that I lied: it was as if it never happened.

They turned a blind eye and forgave me within a fragment of an actual second.

But now I can’t do the same for them. I can’t turn away and pretend not to notice the things I’m seeing. It makes me feel like dirt – worse than dirt – that I can’t do the same and turn that blind eye. It makes me feel guilty that I can’t allow Levi and Eden to develop their feelings for each other in spite of me.