Excerpt: Intelligent Life & Other Myths

INTELLIGENT LIFE
“Greetings, worthless inhabitants of Earth,” said the figure on the screen, now realized to be an alien. The figure laughed in a deep voice, wiping its face with a green tentacle.
“I am Gergatriliponder the 592nd, ruler of Mars. Many of you are wondering: why are we being killed? I shall answer that now. Let me just say, I love you guys. This is probably your number one fan right here! I mean, look at what you have done- the iPod, the cell phone, the laptop. Of course, we Martians, being much more intelligent life forms, discovered these things billions of years ago, but you Earthlings have definitely passed our expectations in your accomplishments. So I think you guys, how do you say it? Oh yes, you guys rock!
“Now that I have said that, I must inform you that each and every one of you will die over the next thirty days, if all goes according to plan. I must ask you that you do not take your death personally because we are simply following protocol. Your loan taken from the Intergalactic Bank of Mars has been due for the last century, and a loan extension form has not been filled out. Millions of years ago, we lent your ancestors the atmosphere so that they could survive. You looked much different back then, being single-celled organisms. How did we know you would evolve so quickly? Oh, it does not matter.
“Now that your felony has been explained, it is my job as CEO of IBOM to wish you all a sudden death and a final goodbye. Remember: we do not hold any personal grudges against you, we are just conducting business. May your last month be speedy, and your underwear unsoiled.”