Excerpt: Finding Jane Doe

December 2009

To Whom It May Concern:
I am writing this letter in an attempt to make a record of my unremarkable life. Someone once said that we live our lives in quiet desperation. I can attest to that. I am a thirty-something female living in New York City, thought not a native. I am single, with no children and not many living relatives.

I live alone. I do not have many friends. I am very shy and awkward around others and making friends is very difficult for me. Those who come into contact with me believe me to be snobbish, uppity, and self-centered since I keep pretty much to myself. I bury my nose in a book because I have no clue how to approach you and small talk is excruciatingly difficult for me. Much of the time I feel as though I’m invisible to you.

I came to New York in search of a career in publishing, my dream job, but due to my lack of social skills, network connections and my sever shyness, I was unable to suffer through the interview process required for such a position so I have thus since given up on my dream job and settled for the mailroom. I invisibly rub elbows with high level executives handling top notch authors. I handle incoming manuscripts sent through the mail, secretly hoping that I have touched the next Great American Novel, that I have in the smallest fashion been a part of this coveted members only club.

I am the girl you vaguely notice in the café reading a book. I’m the girl you bump into in the elevator. I’m the one who sits alone in the corner of the restaurant. I’m your upstairs neighbor who never has visitors, never makes a noise, never even goes out after 9 pm. I’m the one who never looks up and never, never ever looks you in the eye. You might see how desperately lonely I am, how much my soul longs to connect with someone else, anyone else.

But I’m not writing this letter for your sympathy or your attention. I’m writing this because someone has to draw your attention to the real state of affairs in this world. We’re so afraid of being hurt, or being taken advantage of that we’ve lost sight of what’s important: human interaction, mutual respect, love. We’re all so focused on making our next dollar that we’ve lost focus on our interrelations. And this is the example we’re setting for our children, our next generation, our future. And our children are angry, depressed, acting out – killing each other; in our schools, play grounds, on the streets and even in their own homes.

Our government officials are spending so much of our money and so much time seeking power that they’ve lost sight of what the people really want and need. Mr. President, have you ever gone two weeks in the dark because you just couldn’t afford your power bill? I have. Mrs. Speaker of the House, Do you know what it is like to go without eating for several days because you just can’t afford to buy groceries this week? I have. Sirs and Madame’s, Have you spent your Christmases, your Thanksgivings, you Easters and Valentines alone because you had no family, no friends, no significant other who wished to spend them with you; every holiday, every year for your entire adult life? I have. Do you know what it’s like to make New Years Resolutions every year to make friends, find some one special, reach out to someone, attempt for that new position, reach for your dreams only to realize at the end of yet another year that you’ve accomplished none of the resolutions. I do. And so do the many other thousands of invisible people out there. I know I’m not the only one but I am alone.

Every day I wake to a bleary existence no matter whether it’s spring or fall, sunny or cloudy, warm or cold. I wake from my beautiful dream world and step into the muck and manure of a world in which I no longer see beauty. I watch the news in horror of what we’re doing to each other; rape, violence, theft, neglect, abuse, crimes against humanity. What will future generations say about all that we are? In this day of technological advancement, everything we say and do is being record for posterity; emails, twitter, myspace, flickr, utube, cell phone video cams. It’s instant messages, texting, tweets, instant this, instant that. We no longer have the time to connect. We no longer take the time for our fellow human being. We no longer take time for ourselves. When was the last time you really looked into another’s eyes? When was the last time you truly looked into the eyes staring back at you in the mirror? When was the last time you walked in another’s shoes? We instantly pass judgment instead of giving someone the benefit of the doubt. When others judge me as being snobbish, I know they are quick to judge. They overlook all other possibilities. They miss out on making a friend. Judge not least yea be judged. It is not God who does the judging. It is others. It is ourselves. We show ourselves to be someone who feels the need to judge others. We are then passing judgment on ourselves without even being aware of what we’re doing.

How can we expect peace in the world when we are filled with chaos ourselves? How can we expect someone else to love us when we don’t love ourselves? Most of us are not even aware that we don’t love ourselves. Love is definitely not something we can define, not truly. It’s something abstract until we feel it and then we can’t even be sure. And how many of us grew up in less than loving families, watched our parents fight more than they got along, endured abuse and neglect and spent more time with outside caregivers and various teacher than we were allotted with our own parents? How can we expect lasting change in this world when we’re not willing to make changes in our own lives? It’s always up to the other guy to do the changing.

It’s too late for change for me. You may off handedly say that as long as I have breath in my body that it’s not too late for me and never think any more of it. But I say to you, it is too late for me. I’ve given up hope. I’m making final plans for my life. They consist of taking a plunge off of the roof of my apartment building one year from today, Christmas Eve. I want to see one more Spring, one more Fall. I want to enjoy this Christmas and not have to endure another one alone. I want to see the flowers bloom and the trees change color one last time before the end. I want to enjoy my days as though they were my last because I plan for each calendar day to be the last I experience. I have found that this have given me a sense of relief and freedom. I’m free to enjoy each day knowing it will not come around again next year. I don’t have to plan for a future I don’t intend to have. No more saving for retirement or a rainy day. No more putting off the things I want, the places I want to visit, the words I need to say. I do what needs to be done now because in my mind, there will be no tomorrow. Music sounds sweeter. Foods taste richer. Smells are more intense. Colors are more vibrant. Words have more meaning. And wounds hurt more deeply. But this has also given me a gift I hadn’t expected. I no longer seek material comfort. I do not need to surround myself with material possessions. I will not need them where I am going.

But of course, you will say that I am going to hell. Hell is not a concept I believe in. If our God is an all loving God, then why would He condemn his children to such a place? Would you condemn your own child to such a place? Hell is what we, ourselves, create here on Earth. God welcomes all His children home to heaven. He may weep when we feel the need to hurt each other, abort our children, kill ourselves, but He loves us none the less. I may be wrong and may end up in hell for an eternity but my faith is strong enough to give me the wherewithal to take my own life. It is my life after all.

My dying wish for you is that you find a way to experience to good that has come from my decision without having to make the decision yourself to commit suicide. Find the beauty in every day. Look for the good in others. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Love yourself. Find peace within. Find joy in the small things. Live for today. You’ll never know when it is your last. But most of all, Love. Live as though there is no tomorrow, Dance as though no one is watching, Love as though you’ve never been hurt.

My best to you and yours.

Merry Christmas,

Sincerely,

Jane Doe

This letter is a paid advertisement by an anonymous reader calling herself Jane Doe. U.S.A.Today does not endorse the opinions of this author, nor does U.S.A.Today support the actions being considered by the author. We here at U.S.A.Today suggest the author seek medical attention and/or counseling before undertaking such actions.