Excerpt: Beloved Pilgrim

Elisabeth stopped in the doorway of Elias’ chamber. He was not alone. She could hear the murmuring of male voices, one of them raspy, strained. Her brother’s. The other was so distorted that she did not recognize it at first. There was a desperate quality she could discern despite its lowness. She thought to step back out into the hall to grant whoever this was the privacy they obviously needed, but then she heard her brother say, as distinctly as his weakness allowed, “Hold me, I beg you.”

“Hold”? If he had said “embrace” it might not have seemed so odd. Any man might embrace another. A companion in arms or any friend. But “hold” implied something else. She could not help but stay rooted to the spot.

She heard movement. Someone stood and climbed onto the bed where Elias lay. She heard a sob that was muffled as if the person had buried his face into the shoulder or chest of another.

Her brother’s voice again. “Albrecht, my dear love. Don’t weep. Just kiss me.”

Albrecht! Elias wanted his squire to kiss him. She leaned forward to confirm that this kiss was that of a servant for his master. She saw in the dim light of the few candles that the squire lay fully on the bed, stretched alongside Elias. He was leaning over her brother. They were kissing, moth upon mouth. There was nothing chaste about it. She felt shock but she also felt warmth leap into her middle.

She recognized Albrecht’s voice now as he cried mournfully, “How can I go on without you? How will I ever be able to see the dawning sun or the scatter of stars in the night sky without dying for want of your arms about me?”

Elisabeth could not understand what her brother replied, but she could hear the attempt at consolation in the sound of his murmuring. Albrecht’s sobbing returned. It was not loud. It bore the awful restraint of emotion, of love that must be concealed. Her heart felt for the two. As surprised as she was, all Elisabeth could think of was how glad she was her brother had had a love like this in his life. It made her wince to realize that he, as close as she was to him, could never have exulted in his love, his joy, with anyone, not even his own twin. She backed away, resolving to share his love with him at least for the short time they had left.

She carefully pulled the door to her brother’s chamber shut and turned and strode down the hall.