Excerpt: am i who i am?

Am I who I am?

My nails are hard and when they are this long I love to scratch them on the sandstone. It's not just any sandstone. I always go to the sunset stone that looks over the dark wood. We live in the dark wood of the forest. It's called that cause somehow the trees change colour and light seems to fade away from it like the light is afraid to enter.

Sunset stone said that there is a curse on the dark wood. I fit my paws into the groves I have made already. It feels so good.

“oh dear, you have been gone for too long” sunset stone says. “my goodness these claws have grown so long.”

“oh we've been hunting again Sandy, we only just got back” I say.

“the pack is home?” Sandy asks off handedly

“Mostly, Dad's not back yet.” I say as I run my paws back and forth. It feels like a massage and the tiny sand granules find the deep crevasses on my pads and the tiny hairs between tickle. “ho that feels so good Sandy. I really missed you.”

“i always miss you my dear, you are the only forest folk that will even bother to talk to me, let alone visit.”

“Really? Sandy I though the forest council come up here to have meetings? I thought I saw them once and decided not to come.” I trail off quietly, remembering that I wasn't aloud to be here let alone talking to anyone.

“oh dear they would so loved to talk to you. If you like to talk to them? Well they just sit here and discuss things about the forest. They don't for one second think to talk to folk like me. You know its becoming a lost art, a lost respect. I think you are the only one in all of the forest that still listens to the old souls.”

I lay still and flat on sunset stone. “why don't they listen to you?” I wonder out loud.” I couldn't imagine living in the forest at all without the advice I get from the different folk here”

“they just forget about us, dear. So caught up in all their worries, they forgot to look around and see that there is more then just folk like them.”

“is it a curse, Sandy? Did the witches make them forget?”

“no no dear, this is the kind of magic they did to themselves”

I lay my head down and look over the dark wood. The sun was setting and the twilight begun to match darkwoodness feel. As if this was the time when the dark wood embraced the entire forest. So in the morning when the moon sets, the dark wood would retreat back to its borders and brood under the sun until night again.

“what is the curse on the dark wood?” I ask again, expecting to be not told. For some reason sandy never let me know.

“dear I am glad you asked me again. I think it's time you know. Your father is... well he... your father did something bad a long time ago. He challenged the forest council and well... things got out of hand and some folk where killed. We old souls think your dad had a point, it's just that he is so... well he is so passionate about everything. So pointed and stubborn too. Maybe too sensitive I think. Anyway, the wizard was called to mediate a solution and that is when the pack was separated from the forest law and the darkwood was given as a place to hunt and live. Everyone was divided on it. It split us all in two.”

I was afraid to move. Never had Sandy talked to me like this. And I didn't want to spoil it, or interrupt her thinking. I knew what she meant by my dad being stubborn, but too sensitive? I couldn't see that. To me he was the most senseless of all the forest folk I could think of.

That's when I felt him. Like a bolt of lightning invisible to sight and sound and sent. It was like the dark wood changed and the silent call home was pulling me... there was trouble... again. I was torn. I couldn't be rude to Sandy. I would have to just get into trouble. So I prepared myself for it. I prepared for trouble when I get home.

“it might be hard for you to understand dear, and don't want to go into details because I know how much you love your family. Just realise that some hurts run deeper then the moment. And some fears are for things that may never happen. It turns folk into all kinds of nasty when they are pulling hurt and fear around them like a cloak. Please keep talking to the old souls, please keep listening to us dear. We are always here for you.”

“Sandy, thank you.” I feel a tightness in my throat and a sting in my eyes. I barely breath. There is a scent to Sandy I hadn't noticed before and it feels like her version of a hug. Somehow I get the feeling that we will never see eachother again.

Then there is a growl from the black behind me. I know that growl. I close my eyes from the beautiful setting sun and I turn my back on the dark wood to face the shadow with piercing red eyes and huffing wet breath. Even in the fading light this shadow figure keeps a darkness as if it lived in perpetual twilight. Always a silhouette and never allowed to show all that he is. I wonder what would we see if we saw all of him at once?

“what are you doing here, child?” he paces back and forth. I know not to speak, the opportunity for speaking is long passed. He has already made up his mind and he is already going to do what he had decided to do. My paws sink as if my legs have lost an inch and I cringe for the coming snaps and bites. Almost expecting to die. At least I got to see Sandy one last time.

“hold your ground wolf” Sunset stone speaks clearly and loudly.

My dad is so shocked he stand still, then his anger triples as he hates to be surprised. “i don't speak to rocks, this is none of your business.” he spits.

“then why start now? Just shut up and listen you old fool. This young pup has been visiting with me for a long time. She listens to us old souls. She is the one, you idiot. Under your nose all this time, your very own blood. And you are so blind to it so blind to her!”

“don't tell me about my own blood you flat crumbled heap! She isn't the one you think.”

the silence after his words grip me utterly. What do they mean 'the one'? I am drowning in scents and silent questions. Not even the stars or moon lift my spirits, not even the forest folk songs enter the emptiness that surrounds me. A deep rumbling builds in my gut. The kind of rumbling that I have been repressing forever. It's the pack anger my dad talks me about, the anger that makes us wolf. I don't know why I fight it, if that is what I am... all I know is that it isn't what I want to be...

I pull the rumble back down. Back you go. I feel hot and faint. Then his snout is in my ears and hot wet breath covers me. “stop fighting it, let it come, be the wolf you where born to be”

his growl tugs hard at the rumble. It wants to tumble out of me and leap from my cage that I stuff it into. No no no no no I don't want to be like him. Like you. Never never never. I run. I run so far and so fast I don't even realise that the air is carrying me. Or the trees are hiding my path. Or the earth is hiding my tracks. Or the flowers are hiding my scent. All the old souls are keeping me safe. I don't even know as I run from the rumble and my fathers rage.

~~

its been days. My paws are so tender all I can do is hobble at an achingly slow pace. I saw a stream last night and I have been making my way to it. I feel heavy with exhaustion. I am so confused. I let my head empty so the aching can stop. I give my thoughts up. I let the passing leaves wipe my face clear. The forest is so vast. I don't think the pack had ever been hunting this part before. I don't notice any scent lines or markings by my father.

All that I do notice is new. New scents. New colours. New forest folk. I haven't been polite and talked to anyone yet. I hope Sandy isn't mad at me for leaving without a goodbye. Maybe we already said our good byes when I think about it. But I can't think about it. It chokes me up and the saliva that had been bone dry in my mouth coughs up and slicks and unsticks my tongue.

I am over heated and dehydrated and I am bruised and saw from running. The leaves on the ground are very soothing. As if they understand my limp slow pace. As if they read the thoughts I am leaving behind me. Slowly I pick through. I smell the water. And just that scent washes me clear. I am so excited I stop with joy. And breathe the scent of water in deeply.

I hear folk moving about. They have been following me or moving out of my way for a while now. Maybe I am in more trouble, but I really can't see how any trouble can ever be worse then the trouble that comes from my dad. There wasn't anything in the shadows here that would scare me. I was too exhausted to be scared.

I didn't realise I was whimpering until I saw the stream with my own eyes and the soft whimper became a loud moan. I was careful though, I remembered to go slow. Drink slow, shallow slow sips. I stopped and rested on the edge. I looked, really looked around for the first time.

There was a green glow to this part of the forest. Like a mellow tinge with a light breeze. Maybe the winds here where coloured? It certainly felt like it. The sky was puffy with gold and orange. Spots of grey blue washed between. I didn't notice any shapes. The patch I saw was too small for reading stories.

The trees where all leaning into me. Like they had never seen folk like me before. I just let them look me over. The stream was fresh. Shallow. Fast. It was full of chatter. I wasn't up to listening just now. I let the chatter be a background song and noticed the other forest music. It was softly quiet. Arks of calls would come about like distant musings of distant cousins. Insects where particularly silent. So very different to darkwood. I wondered if the silence was a curse? It made me keep my voice deep to my throat.

I ventured into the stream, picking slowly and quietly through the icy cold cool. My paws felt at ease in the water and I let the cool wet cover my fur by laying lowly in the current. It felt so good to feel the water pull and tug at my fur. I let the aching thoughts and confusing pains wash away. I begun to feel numb but I didn't care. The water was lovely.

Then something splashed in my face. Then again. I stand up uneasily as if drained of all energy. Then another splash. It was a stone. Someone was throwing stones at my front paws. I pull my head back and I can't see for the water blurs my view.

“whatchu waiting forr ya stupid dog! Get out oaf thare befer tha spirits take ya!”

I shake my head and leap to the bank where the voice is, just so I can find out what all this trouble is for? Spirits? i didn't see anything or scent anything? But I find it so hard to move. Like I had become one with the water and part of me was aching to flow on, flow down the stream and keep flowing, keep running.

~~

I still feel heavy as I crawl out of the stream. The voice is there cursing and muttering, but not at me, at the water.

“whot ya do'n ta tha pour mutt anyways? Whot yas wont whif her? Off off is say get off her!”

little by little I begin to feel lighter and I begin to feel my senses coming back. I shake the water from my fur.

“arrrh look out with ya dog, don't cha get no water sprites on me! Mangy animal think yad know better by now. Wheres ya family mutt?”

I shudder and sneeze. The voice in me is still deep in my throat and I am not sure I want to talk to the croaky angry voice.

“looks like you been on tha run child. On the run for a while. I'm sorry kiddo. I knows I come off scary. Its just a defence, just a defence.”

her attempts to sooth me begin to work and then I wonder if she is working magic on me, I wonder if she is a witch.

“well lucky I come along pup, lucky for you I was here collecting muggworms and gillywarts. I saved yas from them water sprites. Looks like they got a hold of ya in the night dew and sent ya to their stream. If I didn't come along yas would a been trapped into the fae world for sure and good. Yas don' t want that kiddo, yas never wants to gets stuck in tha faes world. They all kinds of trouble and no end to it.”

I still my shaking and look at the witch with clear eyes. Sandy told me about witches. They was big trouble too. I didn't know if witches where worst trouble then water sprites. All I knew was that it would be less trouble then my father. She had long hair. Longer then her arms. She didn't brush it or tie it back. she was thin and bony. Her skin was like wrinkly purse that dropped and hang off her. Her fingers seemed unusually long. You think she was fragile old crone until you locked eyes with her. Her eyes burned into you with a force of a storm. I couldn't determine their colour only say a fierce black. Fierce enough to match my fathers red stare. That's when I whimpered out loud and found my voice again. Maybe I was no better off here after all.

I looked around for the water sprites, I wanted to say sorry or say something. There was one hanging like a drop from the leaves by my right and looked into her bright liquid blue eyes. It seemed like a friend reached in and gave me a hug. She smiled at me. Then the witch sent it hurtling back into the stream.

“begone ya disgusting sickly mites of deception!! be gone!”

I shook my head. Like a spell was interrupted and my mind snapped back into place.

“see ya gots to learn tha hard ways of it don't cha pup. Well come wit me child, before a flower talks you into being a pot.”

I look at her face this time, not wanting to look again into her fierce eyes. She had a long nose and bumpy skin with hair tuffs growing out of them. She wore a nasty frown as if the world was never going to be good enough for her. My father would say she would make a good wolf folk. Topical that I would find more wolf folk, when I that was just what I wanted to run away from.

“come on then dog, yas can't stay here and I expect yas want to make it up to me for saving ya likes I did.”

I hang my head and follow her. Her scent is so foreign to me that I feel it to be nauseating. I later learned that it was only her way of showing me the scent of old magic. Old magic had differences that most folk didn't understand. For some reason she wanted to learn me all I would of old magic.

~~

The old souls where faint here. It made me think of what Sandy had said about pain and fear. Maybe they had been silent for so long, they no longer listened for conversation? I missed being able to hear the rocks and earth and water and trees speak to me. It made me home sick. Being so far from everything that I understood. I didn't understand why water would want to cast me a spell or take me anywhere. And wanted the water to tell me itself. Why did I have to rely on the word of a witch?

Why did she seem to know so much about this place that the forest it's self would not tell me?

Everything was strange. And I wanted to learn for myself. Mostly I wanted to learn about what Sandy and Dad where talking about. But I ran away from that. And maybe I would never learn it now.

As I followed the scent I looked up and realised the witch was gone. I stopped. Too much wondering in my mind had meant I didn't notice her at all. I was relying on that putrid smell to pull me forward. Know I realised that there was a subtlety to the tones of her old magic. As I got used to it I could begin to decipher the currents and differences.

I had wondered onto an old track that she hadn't used in a while. I turned around to double back and there she was behind me. I almost jumped out my fur.

“whot cha thinkin fer so hard? Ther nothin more important then where ya place ya paws now pup. Crylesta! Ya never bin tauwt right hav ya dog?”

I squerm under her fierce scrutiny, as if suddenly I wanted to meet her standards of right. As if I owed it to her to be as right as she wanted me to be. As if being myself was not showing my appreciation for being saved from the water sprites. Somehow I was no longer 'the one' running from my dad. I was now a mutt, a dog, not right enough for the witch but having to make it up to her for being stupid and not knowing about water and tracking.

Suddenly I was no longer Sandy's friend and I was no longer a forest folk that talked to the old ones. I was no longer a pup in the pack, looked after and cared for by all. I was on my own. Running from the rumble, running from my father and now trapped in my own cage by the witch.

I was afraid what would happen if the rumble came out with the witch. I kept it deep and hidden so she wouldn't sense it like my dad did. Maybe she would want me to let it out too. And I don't know if I could stand it.

~~

We walked on through the forest. I noticed we passed the tangle of trees and vines to a place of no underbrush. It was clear through with soft padded needle carpet. The trees here reached up so high I couldn't even see. They where spaced out and yet you couldn't see far cause the body of the trees where so thick. I was brooding too much and keeping my eyes on the witch to talk to them or say a greeting.

The scents where beginning to seep through the old magic stench. I could make out different forst folk and I felt like a map of the area was beginning to form in my mind. Squirrels watched from high up in the trees and birds where fliting about fussing over the intruders walking the path.

I realised it was path. Even though it didn't look different to rest of the forest floor. It was path because this was there the trees let the folk walk through. There was a sense of forboding to walk anywhere but the path. We came to a larger clearing that looked like camp site. She stopped and made to rest.

“Best we get to formalities pup. Ya not look'n ya best are ya. There gunna be a meetin tonight and the folk hear abouts will be coming to see ya. Cha might wanna clean ya self en have a bite to eat. There is a travellers spring through there. En don't freat none kiddo there be no nasty little sprites round these parts.”

I am unsure about this turn of events. I didn't think being part of a meeting would be a good idea. But it would only be polite, as the old folk would say to introduce myself in a new area. What would this mean about my dad? Would I be bring the trouble if they knew my dad would be lookin for me? Was he looking for me? Maybe they would want me to pass through when they know the truth.

I follow the side path the witch had pointed to. And found soon long the way the springs she spoke of. I looked into the pool of heated waters. Steam gently rose and whispered into the air. I found a quiet voice in my throat and I spoke to old folk here.

~~

he almost anticipated that she would run. She had been fighting her magic for so long now that it would be getting harder and harder to keep it small. His only worry was for her safety when it did come. When it would come. He hadn't been able to teach her about anything until he knew she embraced her own magic.

Whitout her own magic strong in her first, she would be lost in everyone elses.

She would be dangerous.

And for this her father howled and chased her down. Cursing and steaming with fury he broke every barracade the old folk put up for her. They didn't understand. He realised now that no one would, simply because he had kept everything secret. He stopped talking to the idiots of the forest law. That never stopped them from being idiots. It just meant he didn't have to suffer there idiocy. But low and see that the suffereing has only begun.

Now they will all think that she will be the one. The one to bring the forest law together again. To mend the old magic with the new and to ease all suffering from the decention.

But they put too much of their lives into the folly of forsight. Holding on the future as if it was stable enough to be held.

It made the wolf so impatient and so curt that they all judged him with their small minds and never once considered themselves past their shallow games of pleasentries. Made him sick to the stomach how little the forest folk saw themselves. How they never looked deep into their souls and tapped into their authentic magic.

He would respect them at least if they stopped lulling around and made use of their magic. If they at least found their soul and let it shine. The more they refused to be who they truly are the more he wanted to kill them all. Better dead then a puppet for the ones that do know their magic. And that was the trouble with Ray. She was a very dangerous puppet.

He stormed through the forest like a turnado. Even after he lost her trail and after he had lost her scent and after he had lost her tracks. The entire forest was hiding her now. And he would tare it apart to find her. He would bring the forest down tree by tree, folk by folk. Nothing would stop him finding her.

~~

I walk to the spring and look into the waters. I am shocked by what I see. There is a girl with golden hair looking back at me. She beautiful smooth skin, so fair and gleaming. She has big green eyes that shine back a sadness. I wanted to know why she was so sad.

“are you ok?” I find my voice, it crackes a whisper. Where there is no response I continue.

“i am sorry to disturbe you miss, its been a long journey for me and I have not had a chance to familarize myself with these parts. I am really sorry everyone, that I didn't introduce myself. Equally sorry that I am not properly groomed for such a sacred space as this. The witch told me to come. Please forgive me for disturbing you.”

a tear falls out of my eye and traces a tickle down my long nose. The hairs are all scruffy and fluff. I am ashamed. It falls into the waters and the ripples spread out slowly and smoothly across the surface.

Then there is a disturbance and the spring bubbles alive. I hold my breath as the water forms a lady that sit herself at the edge. I am stone in her appearance. Unable to move. She smiles at me and I wonder if this will be another spell.

“no dear no, not a spell. Not I”

“oh” I am shocked she heard my thoughts.

“we can all hear thoughts dear, sometimes that is the problem. But you my dear are welcome always. I am surprised the witch braught you to us. Maybe she believes more then she lets on.”

“ma'am... m m m my lady? I don't understand.”

“we heard your manners dear, could only be the teaching of the old souls from the last forest.”

“that forest isn't lost, I just came from it.” I say matter of factly.

“i am sorry dear, it's lost to us. There is no way back.”

“the my father will not be able to find me?”

“i am afraid your father will not let a lost forest stop him from finding you.”

“oh no, I have braught trouble to you all.” I am ashamed again.and more tears falls.

“there is way dear. There is a way to mend the hurts and fears of forest law.”

“what do I have to do?”

the lady looks extra caring at me, and yet troubled by what she must say. I am reminded of sandy and out last conversation. Of the scent she shared with me. It was her magic, I realise, her old soul magic.

“dear dear child, you must let yourself own your magic.”

I am confused, what did she mean? I didn't have magic.

“yes child you do, you think it is something else. But really it isn't to be afraid of, it is your deep soul magic, wanting to be embraced as you are.”

I think of the rumble. And the cage inside me. It begins to rattle as I let my thoughts move to it.

“no” I say, shacked... that can't be? Its the anger of my dad, I don't want that anger.

“dear dear be calm. I am sorry I had to be the one to tell you. Your father wanted so much to train you. To show you so much.”

I am crying now, confused. I don't want to insult the lady. I do my best to stay calm.

“oh my dear, I am so sorry. I think you father was waiting for you to own your magic, before he let you know about the magic of others.”

I sniffle, my voice softly whimpers without my knowing. The rumble gets stronger now.

“i think he needed you understand your own magic before you could understand the forest law and the magic that is in every folk.”

“how do you know this? What are you saying to me?” I wonder out loud. Still not able to let the words sooth my emotions that cloud and mix inside me like a storm, the kind of storm that would let the rumble free. I kept fighting it down. I could hardly breath.

~~

“This is the pool of truth. I show what is. I only know there is to know. When you let your self own your magic you will be free of all bounds made on you.”

I try to think about what she means but it is hard for me to understand her words now. All I am hearing is her voice like music and it sooths me. I look into the spring again. This time I see my dad in pain. How do I make it better? When everything seems to only get worse?

“The spring will help ease your fears, help ease the process if you like.”

I hesitate going in now. After the trouble with the water sprites I am not too sure I want to trust what the spring lady tells me.

“I understand if you choose not to dear. Why not have a drink and let the waters of truth help you ease the process for yourself?”

She reminded me so much of Sandy, her magic felt like Sandy's hug. The kind of old soul magic that I new I would be able to trust. If anything I was tired of running from the rumble and I wanted to face my father and make it all right again. I jump up on the edge and ease myself into the warm spring water. It tingles as the fur on my body soaks in the wet. I fell buoyant and lighter. The weight of my rumble lifted from my body. My paws relax. Even my tail feels supported and weightless. I dive into the water and suddenly I realise I am in a new world.

I can breathe the water and I swim deeper to an underwater city. The lights are all so beautiful. Then I realise the spring lady is with me.

“I am so glad you decided to join me here dear. Come let me show you to your window of truth.”

I follow her through the amazing lights and arches of buildings. They are golden and silver and the water flows through them like music. There are bubbles that dance in wonderful patterns and the other folk here are all at peace and radiate joy.

“This is a scared place of learning dear. Many folk enter through their dreaming. You too can return in your dreams if you wish it.”

sea weed drapes the building like flags giving it all a feeling of dance as the sway of water currents move through. No one is mean or nasty here. There is a woman with deep golden eyes that smiles at me and I smile back. Then there is a large manfolk with a fish tail that almost looks like he will race towards me with a hug. But he stays where he is and gives e a friendly nod.

“I feel like I know these folk” I say outloud.

“Here it is dear,” the Spring Lady tells me and then she is gone.

I look into the window. The frame is ornate, with swirls and patterns. I see that there are symbols too. Some remind me of the darkwood and my family. I sigh, I hadn't thought of my family in so long. Other parts remind me of the old souls that would all be happy to talk to me and show me the forest. I miss Sandy the most and I sigh again.

~~

I wonder about the window. It is clear and solid, feeling like a smoothed out stone. It shows other buildings and gardens in the underwater city through the other side. I a gently paddling in the water and I see my reflection. I haven't seen myself before like this. My long four legs and over sized paws showing that I still have growing to do. My fur was a lighter shade then the pack. Even my brothers and sisters. I turn and move about to see all myself. My mother had a tuff of golden fur behind her ears, but the rest of her was dark like the bark of a tree.

I had golden fur everywhere with tuffs of dark streaked through. No wonder father called me Ray. And that was what everyone called me even though that wasn't my real name. My tail was lovely. I love looking at my tail, though it was undignified to do so, I used to turn around and around just to catch a sight of it. Long fur dropped from my tail and formed a fan or cascade of gold. Even in the water it shimmered and floated as if held lovingly with support.

My ears not as pointed as most of the pack. There was roundness to the lob that I didn't notice with my family. And I twitched them this way and that to see. Did it mean I heard more clearly then they? I wondered... my nose was long and teeth sharp though I didn't like to kill. When the pack went hunting I was always on the team that flushed and chased the quarry. I never was one to attack or kill.

My eyes where a dark green, I thought they looked sad and lost. They reminded me of the gold haired girl I had seen before and then my shape changed and formed that girl shape. I looked down at my paws just to check and they where still treading water like before.

~~

I like her, she looked so dainty and sweet. The rumble in me began to rise again, only this time it didn't feel like anger or rage. This time it felt like a burst of sun shine after the rain. The girl moved to the side of the window as if to show me something. I turn my head side to side to try to understand. Then I see in the window movement as if a dream played out before me.

I didn't understand what I saw. It looked like a terrible fight, a broken family. Where everyone drifted apart and left themselves scattered all over the forest. Then one of them ran all over the forest and gathered all the lost parts. Bringing them all together. When the parts where back in the heart of the forest, everyone remembered a greatness inside themselves.

I reached out to touch the window, tears in my throat.

How would anyone be able to bring it all together like that? Where would you look, what would you find? How could you not? There was an emptiness that wanted to be repaired. I felt it inside me too. Maybe that is what everyone feels?

When my paw touched the window the girl folk was there, smiling at me and reaching out to touch my paw too. When we touched the burst of sun spilled out of me without any effort or warning. It was like every hair on me stood straight and ever limb was rolled out flat. Together we jumped from the underwater city and spring and above the forest into the sky.

I looked down and saw the emptiness was real. The split between words... My father leaving a trail of destruction behind him. Frantic and out of his mind. But we where travelling faster and higher. We where reaching the stars themselves.

The sun and moon waved by and then other planets and cosmic bodies. We travelled on and it felt like we where travelling inwards. It was a strangeness. This travelling feeling, higher and higher, inner and inner.

Then we burst into the heart of it all. There was no more traveling. There was only a stillness.

~~

the heart of the forest was all around us and through us, like we were woven into a tapestry and we where the threads.

I suddenly realised that the forest was complete already, was whole. The emptiness was only a thought that seemed to separate the threads. The though was an illusion of being pulled apart. And it made the tapestry seem uneven and ugly in parts.

The thought would spread then use all our attention to keep the energy of emptiness. It would all come undone when the folk of the forest released the thought. And we would return to the harmony of the tapestry.

I wondered how would one release the thought? When they hold it as tightly as they are afraid of it.