Excerpt: Untitled paranormal romance parody mark 1

It was a dark and stormy night. Under her leather booted feet, the deck of the pirate ship Venus’ Vengeance pitched and bucked like a spastic mermaid in the midst of spawning. The seas were huge, massive waves capped by white foaming swells reminiscent of the jizz of a thousand lonely sailors. As the ship keeled over to port under the massive weight of yet another mighty wall of water, the captain’s hat was swept from her head of dark lustrous curls and claimed by the ocean. Her finely arched brows shot up in surprise and anger at this unhappy turn. “I stole that hat from my last conquest!” she cursed with words so foul even the filthiest seaman would find himself blushing. Setting her strong yet beguilingly feminine jaw in a grimly determined expression, she snarled to her disarmingly handsome first mate “You have the helm, mister!” as she turned on one high heel and stalked below, heading to the ship’s brig to find the only solace her restless soul could take in her recent captive’s bondage and suffering. She’d make that ninja suffer, oh yes. A taste of the ‘Captain’s Daughter’ and the plot against her and her ship would be all too soon uncovered, and her revenge against those who had sought to destroy her family by unleashing the dreaded zombie plague upon her quaintly charming and rustic home village which lay along a forgotten stretch of coast in ireland would be complete.