Excerpt: Falling into Sanity

He knocked on the door, waiting for Dr. Pine’s “Come in,” before stepping into the office. “Hello, Alex,” he greeted.
“Hi,” Alex said shortly, taking a seat in front of him. He was anxious to get everything off of his mind and into Dr. Pine’s.
“Is there anything you have to tell me?” Dr. Pine asked, as he always did at the beginning of every individual session.
“Yes, actually.” The doctor looked surprised. On the three other sessions, Alex had let the doctor do all the talking. He nodded in encouragement, writing down notes on his clipboard.
“I was a smoker.” He finally blurted.
The doctor nodded. “You’re beginning to remember.”
Alex stared at him for a moment before shaking his head. “I don’t remember anything, I’ve already told you. But whenever I’m nervous I keep reaching to my lips like I expect something to be there. And look at these.” He leaned forward and put his fingers near the doctor’s face. “The skin’s discoloured. Nicotine stains.” Alex could start to feel frustration build up in him. He felt like he couldn’t express himself, like he couldn’t imprint on the doctor how big the discovery felt.
“This is good work. You’re improving.” Dr. Pine continued to nod and make notes on his clipboard, oblivious to Alex’s inability to make him realize.
“No,” Alex tried to clarify. “No. The smoking is all physical evidence. The basketball was muscle memory. I feel like I’m going backwards.” He looked closely at the doctor, trying to see if he understood.
“Often these clues lead to bigger discoveries. Keep trying, Alex. You’ll find it will get better with time.”
Alex shook his head, trying again. “You already knew these things. You always keep these things from me, like it isn’t my own past.”
Dr. Pine shook his head. “It’s important that you discover your own past. If I tell you, it could lead to too much too soon.”
“So you say.” Alex muttered, still feeling unsatisfied. He glanced away. “You don’t know what it’s like not knowing who you are, even your own name.”
“Alex is your name.” The doctor nodded almost unconsciously.
“I've been told. But who really knows?” He reached a hand to his lips. “These ‘discoveries’, as you call them? I feel like every time I try to follow one to my past, I end up in an empty…,” his hands waved, searching for the word. “void. Like I’m not just searching for memories, I’m searching for something that never existed at all.”
Dr. Pine nodded vigorously this time. “That is exactly the nature of psychogenic amnesia. The memories are there, but your brain has locked them away so tightly that not even you can access them.” Dr. Pine looked directly at him. “But the fact that you are aware of your past smoking habits and basketball ability is progress, Alex, never doubt that.” There was a long pause.
“How come I’m not on medication?” Alex asked slowly.
Dr. Pine leaned forward and laced his fingers together. “Alex, you need to understand that you have a very special case.”
“But why?” Alex was persistent. He felt like he was so close to a huge discovery.
Dr. Pine smiled. “I can’t tell you. Ironically, because of the fact that you are a special case, I can’t contaminate that with information.” He leaned back again. “Please try to understand, Alex. I know it is tough, but know that you are part of something bigger. Just try to discover your past at your own pace, and don’t rush anything.”
Alex nodded slowly, dissatisfied and more than a little angry with Dr. Pine. “This is my life you are playing with,” Alex said.
Dr. Pine sighed. “We are not playing, Alex. We are only trying to do what is best for you and those around you. Your memories are important to us – to me- and I can’t ruin that.” He nodded to himself. “You’ll understand in time.”
Alex didn’t think he’d ever understand. Dr. Pine had told him he was part of something “bigger.” But it was difficult to care when it was his life that had to suffer because of it. He glanced at the clock. Only twenty minutes into his session, but he was so tired.
“Can we end early today?” He asked wearily. “I’d like to rest.”
Dr. Pine nodded. “Of course, Alex. You’ve made huge steps, and I don’t want you to doubt that I’m proud of your progress. Thank you, Alex.”
Alex only nodded, leaving the office. As he walked back to his room, he thought of all Dr. Pine had told him. Part of something bigger. Can’t contaminate his memories with information. His memories were important to him. Alex shook his head, trying to get rid of the thoughts. A passing patient looked at him oddly, and Alex tried for a weak smile before he realized he was trying to seem sane to an insane person. Smiling wryly, he continued to his room.
“That’s what I like to see,” a sudden voice said behind him, “a smile on your face.”
Alex turned. It was Audrey. “Hello, Audrey.”
She nodded. “How was your individual session?”
He sighed. “It was…frustrating.”
She laughed. “I know. I’ve been doing these things for awhile. Trust me, it doesn’t get much better.”
“That’s encouraging.” He said, running a hand over his face.
She chuckled lowly. “You look tired. Get some rest, there’s still almost an hour left until lunch.” Alex nodded.
“I’ll see you around, Audrey.”
“Have a good sleep, Alex.”