Excerpt: ?

I think the kids at middle school all still remember the time in second grade when I barfed in the hallway before snacktime. Stuff like that becomes legend. Once you barf in public you are marked for life, like Harry Potter and scar on his forehead. You become the kid who barfed. Harry Potter is the Boy Who Lived. I fear I will forevermore be the Girl Who Barfed.
I may as well tell you the whole story here and now because at this point you’re the only one who doesn’t know the story. You are the One in the Dark. Plus, I have to ride my bike home and this will make the trip more interesting for you, the reader. And not surprisingly, the story takes the exact same amount of time as the ride. Lucky you.

I’ll start by saying that I TOLD my mom I wasn’t feeling well that morning. My mom is from the old school of “Well, get up and get dressed anyway” because, “Sometimes when you feel crummy it’s best to put your best self forward”. Ironically, it ended up that while she was encouraging me to put my best self forward I inadvertently ended up putting my very grossest self all over the hallway of Santa Monica elementary school. Which in turn became a horrible step that most of the school tracked into their classrooms. I warned you. Legend.
I was feeling a little better as my mom drove me to school but almost immediately after she dropped me off things began to go down hill. I sat really still in class. I made my eyes into a slit because closing them completely made the room spin and opening them completely made my head spin. I was too naïve to actually understand that there was no reverse button on this ride. It was a one way street with no exits and I was stuck on it. I waited and waited still as a rock. The second s we were dismissed for snack I caromed toward the nurses office. Only instead of getting there and laying down and her covering me with a paper blanket and calling my mom and putting a cool washcloth on my forehead, I barfed pancakes and orange juice in the hallway in front of everybody and their brother and/or sister. I know this is going to sound supremely gross, but the amount I threw up mysteriously grew exponentially from the amount I had originally eaten. A terrible miracle of opposite proportion.
7 classrooms were evacuated and after marching their shoes clean thru the dewy grass for half an hour they had to hold class in the auditorium for the remainder of the day. The custodian team had to start at one end of the building and disinfect their way through each class.

So next time your mom tells you to put your “best foot forward” I’m warning you now, you’d better think twice about getting dressed that day.
I barfed in public. At this point in my life I’m pretty sure I got you beat in the morbidly embarrassing category of life. My parents reassured me that it would all be forgotten inside of a month, which is kinda funny as here I am, 6 years later still hearing murmurs about me, the “Girl Who Barfed”. Apparently, there are many social icky things that can go away from you when you are an adult. But during childhood I can assure you that bad things have a habit of sticking to you like a big wad gum on your shoe on a hot summer day. I won't be surprised if it is written on my nametag at our 20th reunion. Hello! My Name is: The Girl Who Barfed