Excerpt: neighborhood

So James did what any responsible neighbor would do to keep his adolescent dog safe. He fashioned a home made electric fence with components intended to keep 2000 lb steer in a pasture. He pounded steel posts into the ground with no particular distance in mind between them. The wires were stretched between the uprights every few inches starting at the ground and then farther and farther apart as he wound upward. This had less to do with planning and everything to do with the fact that he was running out of wire. “Patricia, let the dog out”, James proclaimed.

Tammy was no fool. After just one attempt to squeeze through the wires, she knew that the best days of her life were behind her. Her home would forever after be known as the most boring patch of dirt on earth. In order to manage her seemingly boundless energy, Tammy created fun games to occupy her time in the dirt patch. One of her favorites was Poop Patio. Even though there were dozens of perfectly great places for Tammy to do her duty, she determined that the best, indeed the only place to leave that gift was precisely eight inches to the left of dead center on the tread of the stairway that connected the Molder’s deck to their patio. Every one of the Molders had stepped in that pile of dog gift at least ten times. Patricia had now made it part of her morning routine. Open eyes, get out of bed, brush teeth, make coffee, get the flat shovel, scoop up Tammy’s poop, dump it in the corner of the yard where she wished Tammy would actually poop.

But, every time Patricia’s routine was interrupted, say, when she had the flu or went to visit her brother in Little Rock, someone would step in the poop. There wasn’t a thing that could be done to change the inevitability of this scenario. Patricia wondered if she would still go to heaven if she ‘disappeared’ the dog the way her mother had when an animal had outstayed its welcome. More than a handful of Patricia’s pets had ‘disappeared’ when she and her brother were growing up. Knowing that she could never actually bring the dog to the pound, Patricia decided to count her meager blessings with the knowledge that even if Tammy couldn’t be kept from driving their family crazy, at least the neighborhood would be spared. The fence had been a complete success…If by success you mean that every child in the neighborhood ran the risk of suffering electrocution, then yes, it was a resounding success.