Excerpt: Animals Vegetables and Minerals I Have Dated

NANOWRIMO 2009

DAY ONE

Daniel Shepherd's love life was not living up to his mother's needs. Insisting that she not call him more than 5 times daily was neglecting her deepest needs. He knew nothing struck her as more sacred and unconquerable than a mothering instinct, so cutting down on the phone calls required concessions.

The first concession was spending today's lunch hunkered down with her over overpriced entrees. Somehow tables for two never felt deep enough. They were no less deep than tables built for four or six but Daniel was always left with the feeling they were going to touch noses at any time. It was not enough to suffer the claustrophobia of having nowhere to put his arms while his soulder got jammed into the wall. Now he had to feel like the waittress was forcing him into more intimacy with his mother than even his family pressed him to.

Daniel looked across to his mother, pulling himself, his head, and the nose that thrust from it back at the same time. "How's your penne."

"I didn't come here for the penne, Daniel. We're all very worried about you."

"Worried?" Daniel didn't even look up at her from his club sandwich. He was used to her incessant impatience with the pace of his life and the general need to become hysterical with little cause.

"Yes, of course, worried. Who wouldn't worry the way you carry on? I am 60 years old and you haven't given me the grandchildren you owe me."

"Owe you? What do you mean 'owe?'"

"Daniel, I love your father dearly, but you do not stay married to a man for 40 years without being entitled to something. I gave up expecting any thanks from your father years ago. After washing his dirty socks for 40 years I am owed. Your father cannot pay thta debt. I am his wife and everything he has is mine already. You have to pay. God agrees with me. It has to be you and you have to repay with grandchildren."

This was bizarre talk even for his mother. How could she actually believe her decisions and his father's attitudes were in any way his responsibility? All he could do was swab the crmbs from his chin with his napkin. "What?"

"Daniel, you need help. I'm your mother. I will always be there for you. I'm not here to blame you. I got married when I was 20 years old. You are 31. I already had both you and your sister and sent you both to primary school by thta age." Daniel's mother took an earnest bite of her penne. "The family and I feel it is time for one of those interventions."

Daniel's mother was too fond of the human interest story talk shows and the new crop of TV pop psychiatrists. She couldnt send an email but the old fashioned woman that raised him was recently spewing 21st century pop culture fluff lingo. Daniel cast his sandwich down on his plate roughly. "I do not need an intervention. I am not a drug addict."

Daniel's mother had barely started eating her pasta but she was calmly taking bites when Daniel replied to her obviously oblivious to how strange he thought the whole conversation was. "You do not need drugs to be an addict. The doctor on the television says you are addicted to something when you keep chasing it and your need for it has a destructive influence on your life. Even something that is healthy for everyone else can be an addiction for some people who don't know better."

Daniel was starring at her slackjawed as she calmly ate and explained this nonsense as if it was the most mainstream idea in the world. He wondered if maybe few logical questions could get her to drop the topic for at least the rest of the day. She never dropped things entirely and this was a favourite conversation piece for her. She just used to be less outlandish. "What exactly am I supposed to be addicted to?"

"Why, son, doomed romances, of course. Even your father, who believe me is no Prince Charming, was married by the age of 23. If he can do it a handsome boy like you should have no trouble. I think you have a psychological block. The whole family agrees."

"That's another thing. Where do you get off gossiping to the whole family about me?"

"Daniel, you are the one who needs help. Do not fall into the avoidance trap by getting ancry at us just because we love you and want to help you."

This is what happened when you took a woman with no university schooling and no sense of what was normal for the younger generation and then introduced her to vapid TV shows with pretensions of deep insights. You got an old lady who threw around buzz words like "emotional quotient" and who thought deep personal transformations could be accomplished in 1 hour minus commercials. From low EQ to EQ mastery in 44 minutes with a free t-shirt for every member of the studio audience.

Daniel picked up his sandwich again. His mother wasn't going to change so he could at least make sure his lunch wasn't ruined. Before he started fighting her on anything it might be easier to see what she wanted. Maybe he could just give in if it was easier than fighting. "Alright mother, what do you want?"

"I want you happy."

"I am happy."

"No Daniel, not distracting yourself with empty pleasures so you don't feel like the suffering of your life is unbearable. Happy happy. Fulfilled. Deeply conteted in a meaningful and lasting way. That means stable, married, and with children."

Daniel stiffened in his chair. His mother could be like a bath with abrasive bathtub cleaner but no water. "This isn't about me at all. You just want grandchildren."

Daniel's mother was still eating nonchalantly. "Of course I want grandchildren but this is only about your happiness. You can't be happy unless you are stable and a bachellor isn't ever truly stable. Once you're married you have to have kids. A childless marriage is a hollow sham. Besides, if you love your wife you won't rob her of the children she spent her life dreaming of. I won't have you in a loveless marriage. You'll just end up another one of those divorced men pitifully acting like high school boys when they are 50."

Daniel chewed his sandwich more bey taking bites and waiting for it to suffer the effects of his grinding teeth. "Yes mother. I see you want me to be happy generally. What have you planned specifically?"

"When a woman cannot have a baby she gets a surrogate mother. When a young man cannot pick a good woman he gets a mother as a surrogate matchmaker."

Daniel ordered a double vodka. He would not give his neurotic mother total control of his sex life. If there was one thing he agreed with her about, it was that he was too old to waste his time with losers. "I can find women on my own."

"Daniel, you have never been in a relationship."

Daniel sucked the vodka down but after hearing that last insulting piece of nonsense he ordered another. "That is ridiculous. I had a lot of girlfriends."

"Yes, a lot of girlfriends but no real relationships. None of those girls lasted more than a year. If you are with her less than two Thanksgivings there is nothing to be thankful for. It is not much more than a one night stand. If you chase girls all you get is a girlfriend. It is doomed to fail. But if you pursue a woman you will learn more.Best of all, court a lady and you will marry a princess."

"That is what I am afraid of."

"Oh I knew it. Don't be afraid of marriage."

"I am not afraid of marriage. Just of getting stuck with some spoiled, nagging princess. I will get married someday. When I meet the right girl. Then when we both feel ready."

"Look, Daniel, it is not rocket science. You meet a girl and if you have taught yourself how to be a good judge of people, you can sense the best ones. Then you get to know the few at the top and by next year you are married. The year after I have my grandchildren. Civilization is based on having a structured society. A structured society is based on the nuclear family. And the nuclear family carries forward in an unbrken string across the generations or we lose everything. God has commanded we build families and failing that we are not fully human. So far you haved picked women with no future. If someone with better judgement picks foryou, you can get settled in no time."

Daniel was finished his sandwich and two double vodkas but his drinks were not making this easier for him to hear. A third drink was out of the question or he would have to endure a speech about the dangers of alcolism after this farce concluded. His mother was still of the opinion that drinking in the daytime counted triple as evidence of a drinking problem. Drinking even a moderate amount counted as having a serious drinking problem if it was the daytime or you were alone.

"I have gone online. It is a meat market. Why would you be any better at judging from a bad photo and a two sentence description than anyone else? You have a million girls and no way to tell them apart without meeting them but you cannot meet them all. You have to narrow it down somehow. But how?"

"You can do it the same way I narrowed down names when we were going to have you kids but didn't know anything about you yet. You look over all the names. For each name you just think about who you met with that name. If you never met anyone you think about characters on TV and in movies and books with that name. Were they nice, smart, good looking?"

Daniel was contemplating the third drink after all. He was so overwhelmed with how illogical this was he sprawled back in his chair flabbergasted and lost his rigid upright tension headache inducing pose he'd held up until now. "Mother, please, that is ridiculous. You cannot judge a total stranger just by asking her name. You still know nothing about her because there is absolutely no reason for her to have anything in common with sowe other lady you met once decades ago."

"Your name Daniel totally fits you, doesn't it? Do you think I knew anything about you before you were born? Do you think anyone could have guessed. We didn't have all the tests they do now when you were born. I could have had an ultrasound but your father didn't want to know your sex in case you were a girl. He wanted at least 9 months of imagining you were a boy. He got lucky. You were born a boy and stayed that way until now. It is time you were a man. Even without so much as a black and white picture of you wriggling when you were not much more than a blob, I knew what to call you. Trust your mother. Things don't have to seem logical to you to work."

"Mother... no. Just... no."

"I will make you a deal Daniel. Put your love life in my hands for 30 days and if I am not more successful at finding you the right girl than you have been then I will never nudge you about your romantic affairs ever again."

That sounded like a dream come true. There was no way this plan would work. The month would be hard, but better thirty days of pain than another 30 years of misery. Still, Daniel was wary of a catch. "What do you mean 'right girl.' Right for me or right for your idea of what you think I should want?"

"Right for you. The right woman for you to be happy with in a lasting way. You can decide if she is best for yourself. I guarantee success if you make a real effort. No sabotaging my picks. You have to make a real effort."

That was fair enough. "Deal. Just one thing. Making an effort can't mean obeying all your dating advice in every detail. Times have changed."

"Of course, Daniel. I know you don't want your mother knowing everything about your love life. I also know you don't want an old lady forcing all kinds of out of date details on how you approach your young ladies."

That relieved Daniel and he sat up normally again. He only had to survive a month. "Thanks. I am glad you know that my generation has its own way of dating only we understand."

"I quite concur. That is why your sister agreed to be your dating coach and confidant for the month."