The Deep Conspiracy
an excerpt

The colonel looked over his glasses, over the desk piercing the eyes of Jerry. Jeremy Irons? wan’t he that actor in Damage?

No relation. Sir.

That was a great movie, you are bit of a screw-up aren’t you.?

Sir? I understand I fell asleep on the job but you can see from my medical file that it was a condition I have.

Coke or Pepsi?

Huh

The colonel reiterated, “Coke or Pepsi?”

Um. Coke, I guess sir.

“McDonalds or Burger King”

What does this have anything to do with, um McDonalds sir.

“Pizza Hut or Dominoes?”

Sir really I, Just answer now Private this is very important!

“PIZZA HUT SR!!”

Colornel smiled and tapped his fingers together. You are perfect for the job. You have my core values. We need more people like you. I have friends in high places that can do something for a screw-up like you. Jerry now knew beyond a reasonable doubt that the colonel was certifiable.

“Um, thank you sir.”

I am assigning you two mail carrier first class see me directly 5 o hundred hours be ready and bright eyed. Dismissed.

Jerry saluted and left. He definitely needed a drink.

Utah, what can I do in Utah. He was at the bar drinking gin and tonic. The name of the bar was the salty shingle. He didn’t want any of this. He wanted to be Master Chief in Halo. And now all he wanted to do was pee.

His phone rang.

“Hello?”

“Hey Jerry its your sister, ya know Rebecca Irons?” She always answered with her full name and the family status. She was very professional on the phone.

“Um, yeah what’s up?”

“I’m getting engaged! His name is Stewart and we met at the Save the Wildcat symposium! He is absolutely dreamy! My disertation is doing well and should be ready in a couple of months. He’s got a condo so I can just move in and a dog and a cat and a new car. The Dogers just won a series, I got a new hair cut and watched a movie with alot of explostions part of a series or something. What’s up with you?”

Jerry hung up the phone. He thought about it a little, slammed his Gin and redialed.

“Hello? Whyd you...”

“Bad connection. Listen, I am happy for you, I love wildcats. I am glad you got a Phd. Good luck with that Condo thing. Dogs are great and cats make me sneeze. THe Yankees lost, I am still recovering from burns on my butt and I haven’t seen a decent movie in ages. So, no things aren’t up with me.”

There was dead silence on the other end.

“Listen, I’m sorry I’ve been trying to adjust...

A burst of static hit the line and Jerry’s ears popped.

“Hello hello Jerry can you here me? You are the one who must stop them. It is your time and you must also help me. and I don’t see why you have to use that tone with me, Jerry? Jerry? I’ll call you back when you are feeling better. THe phone clicked.

Russian? Jerry didn’t know a lick of Russian. Who was this figment. What did he want from JIm? Where was the nearest bathroom?

After a brief intermission, Jerry washed his hands. Scrawled on the mirror where a series of bright canary lines. Lined across like legal paper. Like Jerry’s dream.

---
THe Utah base was seperated with razor wire from the rest of the community. DUe to drought conditions, the land was a palin of brown grass. Jerry had been on the walk for a month. The mail was routinely sorted in his hands. One side for magazines the other side for letters. Heat radiated in waves across the asphalt. He could hear the purr of airconditions. No one outside in this weather. He felt like he was in one of those Spagetti Westerns. The lone marshal to make everything right.

Each block was assigned to a different rank. Commanders first row. Ensigns next row. etc. He was currently in Research and development. THe color scheme of the houses changed from uniform grey to a variety of colors. The scinetists here were shipped in for stress testing of ships’ hauls. There were geodestic domes and solar panels and a goat. The last gasp for any hippiness. Jerry found that eventhough it was easy to find all of the addresses the bag weighted him down. Through the screen door he saw the face a little boy.

“Hello”

“Can I deliver your mail?

“No.”

Pause. “Do you want a pencil holder I made?”

“Um thanks.” This was the first time Jerry ever recieved any recognition of his status as a member of the Federal Government of the United States of America.

The pencil holder was made from a frozen orange juice can. A piece of green construction paper was smeared with paste to the sides. It read in marker “ World’s greatest Dad.”

“Are you sure your want me to have this? Wouldn’t your father...”

“He’s overseas. I made it for him but he was held over. I can make him another one.”

“Then for him, I’ll hold it until he arrives.”

The boy handed the cup, looked both ways in the empty streets and ducked inside without another word.

Two miles underground two techs were looking at a security monitor.

“Well, he took the cup that is a good sign.”

“And he likes McDonalds”

“And he is a total joke. Lets push this up a little higher.” and a switch was pulled.

Jerry was trying to find a place for the pencil holder when he heard a gate open. He turned to see the most viscious Cairn terriers he had ever seen. Small Toto dogs leaped forward with blood red eyes and snapped at body parts within reach. Unfortunately, that was his very tender backside. He was armed with a can of pepper spray and dog biscuits, but he let instinct take control and ran. Even with ungainly lope, he had fast feet. It was like watching a piston engine manuver from the outside.

The terriers were holding on the seat of his pants by their teeth for the ride. THis was a blast for them.

“Well that’s different.” Said tech 2. “Release the cans.”

Jerry was heading up a hill. The truck at the top released a bungie cord holding back drums of cleaning fluid. A tepani drum boomed down towards Jerry. Orange barrels trundled down the road picking up speed.

Jerry jumped over the first drum and saw a train wreck heading his way. He attempted a screen pass and grabbed onto mail post. The orange barrels passed him like the running of the bulls. The terriers in the trama released his pants and went charging after the barrels.

Tech 1 zoomed onto his face. “A little stress, but he seems to handle it pretty well.”

Tech 2 “I’ll call the colonel I think he might be ready for recruitment.”

The mailbox exploded. Jerry had first degree burns on his hands. He fainted.

Tech 1: “Did you blow up the mail box?”

Tech 2: “No... huh. I guess we might want to tell the colonel about that too.”

The aftermath of the mail box explosion brought in all the investigation commitees in. Naval Crime scene investigation because it was on base. The Fire department to put out the fire. Department of energy because it was a scintist. FBI for homeland security. Police for domestic disturbance. The post office because it was mail box. And they were all asking Jerry questions.”

“Where you ever in involved in reasearch?”

“How long have you been working this Job?”

“You said two terriers?”

“Are related to Jeremy Irons? I loved Double Ringer.”

Jerry sweated. How many explosions can one person take? Apparently the charge was low because he still had his face. However, his hearing felt like everyone was talking to him underwater.

“I just need a drink, and I’ll be fine.” He looked across at the mirror. Great, who was looking at him from behind there. Who was after him?

They sent him to the infirmary to recover. How much can one have in Utah? He even used to like terriers? What was that all about? and he didn’t finish his route.

That night, the Ninjas appeared.
---
“Mom, it’s Florida a sink hole can appear any place.”

His mom wheeled into his shin.

“I don’t know, honest to God ma. I don’t know.” (but he knew.)

His cell phone toned out NIN downward spiral.

“Hold on ma, listen insurance will pay for everything. I promise I’ll move out. I’ll just bring you your meals.”

He looked at the messages.

SINKING +100, HOUSTON STARS ICE RINK, FLORIDA RESIDENT
BLOWITUP +50, UTAH NAVAL BASE
PUSH -25, TWO ARRESTED IN VERMONT

"Holy moley,” he had to get connected and quick.

"Mom, gotta run, I will room with Paul.” He looked at the clock. It was 3 o’clock he might be able to make the Public Library in time.

He pulled his Schwinn 20 speed out of the garage and wheeled his ungainly frame down the road.

Push 1 pushed through the automatic doors and made his way to the Public terminals.

PUSH 1 DIRECTIVE: PUSH VERMONT RELEASE. PUSH MICHIGAN LIGHT RAIL TRANSIT LINE. PUSH ARGENTINIAN WINE CASKETS. TIME FRAME 3 DAYS. POINT VALUES + 75. QUESTION: SINK RETALIATION?

Push 1 rubbed his glasses his glasses and waited. His phone rang.

VERMONT RELEASE: MOB 10 COUNT
MICHIGAN LIGHT RAIL: MOB 24 COUNT
ARGENTINIAN WINE CASKETS: 0 NO ONE IN POSITION
SINK RETALIATION: VOTE 67% YES 23% NO 10% UNDECIDED

Push 1 smiled, its good to be king.